Friend keeps relapsing
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Friend keeps relapsing
I have a friend who I met in the Fellowship of AA who has relapsed 3 times in the last 30 days. She managed to get 87 days, drank for 5 days...got 18 days....drank for 4 days....got 11 days and has been drinking since Tuesday. Each time she didn't admit to drinking until she got caught, no surprise there! No matter what anyone says or does she can't stop with the "love affair".
I no longer know what to say to help her. She goes to meetings, most days twice a day...she makes far more meetings than I.
I don't want to shut her out as some others have after her first relapse, and I am getting very concerned for her mental health. Each time she relapses she says "see I am powerless!" I am afraid that she is using that concept of powerlessness as an excuse to drink. I am starting to believe that she is just not done yet. For me I was done, without a single reservation. None.
I want to help her, be her friend, be part of her support group, but I am getting frustrated. Any suggestions?
I no longer know what to say to help her. She goes to meetings, most days twice a day...she makes far more meetings than I.
I don't want to shut her out as some others have after her first relapse, and I am getting very concerned for her mental health. Each time she relapses she says "see I am powerless!" I am afraid that she is using that concept of powerlessness as an excuse to drink. I am starting to believe that she is just not done yet. For me I was done, without a single reservation. None.
I want to help her, be her friend, be part of her support group, but I am getting frustrated. Any suggestions?
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She has a desire to stop and she keeps coming back no matter what.
I went to meetings drunk all the time when I first came to AA.
I think it's ....I go to AA then I might sober up, not I sober up then
go to AA.
Yeah...she's trying to figure if she's done or not, herself.
It's not pretty..but you gotta do what you gatta do to get
to that piont of enough is enough.
All you can do it be there for yourself..you can't save her.
You can be there for her without judging her or endabling her.
So , don't get too emotionally attach to her. Becuase if you're
not stronge enough, she'll drag you out with her.
obviouley she's not going to listen to you if you tell her to do certain things
or work the steps or give her advice.
You know, we pray for those who still suffers in meetings.
you bascially will go through the same of situations when you start being a
sponsor. becuase some sponsee will relapsed no matter how much you helped them.
So it's like a lesson of learning how to let go.
I went to meetings drunk all the time when I first came to AA.
I think it's ....I go to AA then I might sober up, not I sober up then
go to AA.
Yeah...she's trying to figure if she's done or not, herself.
It's not pretty..but you gotta do what you gatta do to get
to that piont of enough is enough.
All you can do it be there for yourself..you can't save her.
You can be there for her without judging her or endabling her.
So , don't get too emotionally attach to her. Becuase if you're
not stronge enough, she'll drag you out with her.
obviouley she's not going to listen to you if you tell her to do certain things
or work the steps or give her advice.
You know, we pray for those who still suffers in meetings.
you bascially will go through the same of situations when you start being a
sponsor. becuase some sponsee will relapsed no matter how much you helped them.
So it's like a lesson of learning how to let go.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
when she whines after a relapsed,don't baby so much.
Let her feel the pain for a while.
How else is she going figure out not to put her hands on a buring
stove again and again ? you know, don't fix her.
I think a lot of people was praying for me in early reovery becuase i felt
a lot of pain
Let her feel the pain for a while.
How else is she going figure out not to put her hands on a buring
stove again and again ? you know, don't fix her.
I think a lot of people was praying for me in early reovery becuase i felt
a lot of pain
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I have a friend who has followed this pattern, and who continues to sink lower and lower. It's very painful to watch - but I just remember that I need to carry the message, not the alcoholic, and to pray for her.
And - it reminds me to be grateful. That could easily be me.
And - it reminds me to be grateful. That could easily be me.
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Thank You Satit and Rowan...
Satit, the ironic thing is I am the only one in her support group who does not baby her. I tell it like it is...
She says to me..."I am doing everything they tell me, I go to two meetings a day!" " I read my big book"..."I talk to my sponser".... "I talk to you!" "What else can I do?"
I respond...."It seems to me you forgot the part about not picking up a drink no matter what...even if your ass is falling off!"
Rowan, I certainly identify....
Satit, the ironic thing is I am the only one in her support group who does not baby her. I tell it like it is...
She says to me..."I am doing everything they tell me, I go to two meetings a day!" " I read my big book"..."I talk to my sponser".... "I talk to you!" "What else can I do?"
I respond...."It seems to me you forgot the part about not picking up a drink no matter what...even if your ass is falling off!"
Rowan, I certainly identify....
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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bugsworth you sound like you are doing all that you can do which is set an example, pray & support her when she is working towards recovery.
If she keeps coming back to meetings some where deep inside of her she wants out but has not had enough to drink yet, this is damn hard to watch, we have a guy who has been in and out of the rooms since before I came into the rooms a little over a year ago, the best he has done is 90 days.
It sounds like your friend and him are stuck on step one....... they keep trying to get step 2 & 3 out of the way, but they are not ready to really turn it over yet, thier story is not complete. My friend is back in the rooms again and seems to be doing pretty good right now, but he is in one hell of a living situation he just can not seem to get away from.
I get in his case every time I see him, I ask him "When are you going to call me?" He is such a good guy, he calls me sometimes to get a ride, but never has been able to figure out how to call someone in AA when he gets the urge to drink.
If she keeps coming back to meetings some where deep inside of her she wants out but has not had enough to drink yet, this is damn hard to watch, we have a guy who has been in and out of the rooms since before I came into the rooms a little over a year ago, the best he has done is 90 days.
It sounds like your friend and him are stuck on step one....... they keep trying to get step 2 & 3 out of the way, but they are not ready to really turn it over yet, thier story is not complete. My friend is back in the rooms again and seems to be doing pretty good right now, but he is in one hell of a living situation he just can not seem to get away from.
I get in his case every time I see him, I ask him "When are you going to call me?" He is such a good guy, he calls me sometimes to get a ride, but never has been able to figure out how to call someone in AA when he gets the urge to drink.
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Thanks Tazman, I am not so sure if she is stuck on step one or if in reality she uses it as an excuse. Certainly I can only make observations based on her behavior and things that she has said. I know from many long conversations with her that she still can't deal with the thought of alcohol not being a part of her life. She still talks about drinking as if it was fun....I on the other hand enjoyed nothing about drinking at the end. I reap no benefits from romancing alcohol.
Ironic that she never calls me before going to the liquor store, but will call me when she is drunk. How can I help after the fact? GRRRRRRRR
Ironic that she never calls me before going to the liquor store, but will call me when she is drunk. How can I help after the fact? GRRRRRRRR
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Maybe it's time for the "though love". I've told people in the past that they're draging me down. I can't have that. That they weren't to call me when they've been drinking. If they want to talk to me, I would tell them to meet me at a meeting. Some I've never talked to again. But others got it when they stopped using me as a crutch. I have to be first! I can't 12-step anyone now. I'm not ready.
I think you will know what you need to do with this friend. Talk about your feelings in a meeting or with your sponser. Best of luck.
I think you will know what you need to do with this friend. Talk about your feelings in a meeting or with your sponser. Best of luck.
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Thanks Snopup and I hear you. I told her this morning if she wanted to go to a meeting she could come with me and kinda left it alone. I did speak with my sponser and she feels that my friend is simply not ready yet. My sponser too relapsed many times before she finally quit drinking.
I can't even conceive of a time when I would be ready to sponser another...lol
Thanks again!
I can't even conceive of a time when I would be ready to sponser another...lol
Thanks again!
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Ironic that she never calls me before going to the liquor store, but will call me when she is drunk. How can I help after the fact? GRRRRRRRR
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Tazman, In theroy that works great, but she never admits to being drunk, she says she is either tired or has a cold, you know the drill...been there done that.
I know now to not indulge her in conversation when it is obvious that she has been drinking.
I know now to not indulge her in conversation when it is obvious that she has been drinking.
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I am sure that anyone who has spent time in AA remembers that old part in the book about "Seldom have we seen a person fail........" Then comes that pesky little statement about "except those who are INCAPABLE of being HONEST WITH THEMSELVES" (sorry BB scholars I may have not be word for word), but you get the idea. If the drunk can't admit his/her shortcomings and HONESTLY set out to seek their own sobriety, no one else can do it for them.
I echo others on this thread, take care of your own sobriety and the example that you set will be you best efforts. It is all the authors of the Big Book did for any of us. They set an example by telling us what THEY DID, I believe that is why there are NO RULES, they wouldn't do any good anyway, just SUGGESTIONS and those are suggested by the EXAMPLE.
Keep up your program and those that want what you have will have to do what you did.
Jon
I echo others on this thread, take care of your own sobriety and the example that you set will be you best efforts. It is all the authors of the Big Book did for any of us. They set an example by telling us what THEY DID, I believe that is why there are NO RULES, they wouldn't do any good anyway, just SUGGESTIONS and those are suggested by the EXAMPLE.
Keep up your program and those that want what you have will have to do what you did.
Jon
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it was like this for me. Some say I still had reservations.
Another part of it is...I like getting drunk.
I was in that stage. AA was going to teach me how to drink like a gentalman.
so I was going to try to work the steps and still get drunk.
I know people say it's abstance..but you know, i was going to out smart it
or find a way to get around it.lol
it took me over a year to get my six months, but i kept going
back no matter what. becuase i want the miracle to happened
not so much the not drinking..lol For my life situations to get
better
a lot of it also was I had a lot of mental emotional and problems that i didn't
want to deal with and I was on the verge of a break down. I've been
living like that for years and years..So in my fears i was thinking if
I breakdown it would be the end of me or i would totally go bonkers, bonkers.
Still standing on the fence some would say. So the pain of the current life
situations had to become just as bad or greater than my deep rooted pain
for me to allow myself to break and face those original pain.
Eventally, alcohol or drugs stopped working for me, becuase no matter how
numb i tried to run from my origainal pain, by using..it stopped working.
once i reach that piont. it got pretty simple.
in other words , i was never ready to stopped or wanted to stayed stopped.
it stopped working , so no drinking and using became the easier and softer way.
I don't think i was dishonset becuase that's how I truley felt and that's what i was going
through. It's part of the process becuase alocohlism is but a symtom of my deeper problems.
Some old timers knew and understood it..they didn't babied me or was mean to me.
they just told me to "KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT"
that's why I don't have a problem with working the steps after that piont
or a conception of a HP and a lot of stuff that other people do, just becuase
they had more time then me.
Another part of it is...I like getting drunk.
I was in that stage. AA was going to teach me how to drink like a gentalman.
so I was going to try to work the steps and still get drunk.
I know people say it's abstance..but you know, i was going to out smart it
or find a way to get around it.lol
it took me over a year to get my six months, but i kept going
back no matter what. becuase i want the miracle to happened
not so much the not drinking..lol For my life situations to get
better
a lot of it also was I had a lot of mental emotional and problems that i didn't
want to deal with and I was on the verge of a break down. I've been
living like that for years and years..So in my fears i was thinking if
I breakdown it would be the end of me or i would totally go bonkers, bonkers.
Still standing on the fence some would say. So the pain of the current life
situations had to become just as bad or greater than my deep rooted pain
for me to allow myself to break and face those original pain.
Eventally, alcohol or drugs stopped working for me, becuase no matter how
numb i tried to run from my origainal pain, by using..it stopped working.
once i reach that piont. it got pretty simple.
in other words , i was never ready to stopped or wanted to stayed stopped.
it stopped working , so no drinking and using became the easier and softer way.
I don't think i was dishonset becuase that's how I truley felt and that's what i was going
through. It's part of the process becuase alocohlism is but a symtom of my deeper problems.
Some old timers knew and understood it..they didn't babied me or was mean to me.
they just told me to "KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT"
that's why I don't have a problem with working the steps after that piont
or a conception of a HP and a lot of stuff that other people do, just becuase
they had more time then me.
Last edited by SaTiT; 10-04-2007 at 09:15 AM.
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Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
hey Bugsworth, sorry to hear about your friend, but I'm glad you are so concerned; shows a lot of heart.
it sounds like your friend is missing honesty and personal conviction. desire just doesn't cut it with alcoholism. i wish AA was the panacea but there are some that will misuse the tenets of the program. she needs to be accountable instead of 'powerless' everytime she gets drunk. she could do that by being honest, and by reaching out.
i think your other friends were right, she's not ready. what do you think it will take for her to realize her ways?
it sounds like your friend is missing honesty and personal conviction. desire just doesn't cut it with alcoholism. i wish AA was the panacea but there are some that will misuse the tenets of the program. she needs to be accountable instead of 'powerless' everytime she gets drunk. she could do that by being honest, and by reaching out.
i think your other friends were right, she's not ready. what do you think it will take for her to realize her ways?
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Honestly Afraid2succeed I am not sure.
I don't think that alcohol has caused her enough pain yet. As harsh as that sounds I believe it to be true. Her losses do not out weigh her benefits...
I absolutely agree with you that she is misusing the word powerlessness to her advantage. "See, the devil made me do it."
After physical addiction has been arrested, powerlessness is up to individual interpertation.
I don't think that alcohol has caused her enough pain yet. As harsh as that sounds I believe it to be true. Her losses do not out weigh her benefits...
I absolutely agree with you that she is misusing the word powerlessness to her advantage. "See, the devil made me do it."
After physical addiction has been arrested, powerlessness is up to individual interpertation.
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