gvargas

You would think that after 20 years of the same old crap- that I would be able to deal. I am lashing out at everyone. I feel so sad and depressed. I am just as sick as he is if not more so. I sometimes think i have it all figured out and I am ready to hit the door. Then something inside me stops me dead in my tracks and and zones in on him and his feelings - or lack there of. Then there's the guilt and the taking responsibility part. Man - same old cycle over and over. I need to make a change. I know that much. I cannot continue on this way - I feel physically and mentally empty - but oh the anger- the anger never ever ever leaves me, even if i hold it in. My life is so consumed with this disease. I am mainly angry at myself - because I allow this to happen. I am settling for how i am treated and disregarded like yesterdays trash. I know logically speaking that this is wrong and it makes me feel horrible. I feel like an empty shell. I have no family here, I have no friends - Im sure most of you know why (the embarassment). I have shut myself off to everyone because I live with this aweful secret. Why cant i just leave? Do I really even want to? I just dont feel i have the energy to care anymore!

Mr. Christian

It does take a certain effort to make the move.
As I’ve said so many times before, guilt is for someone that has done something wrong.
Taking care of you and getting out of a sick relationship is not wrong.


No you can find friends and people like you that have walked in the direction you will be walking.
I found friends and support in Alanon.

This all consuming of your life and soul will continue until the rhythm is broken and only YOU can do that.
Only you can get the changes to start.
He needs to find his own path or he will the stay the same.
This is not something you want to ride along on.
Take that off ramp and drive in a new direction.

sam79

Im in exactly the same postion as you right now and it does feel terrible. I dont know what to do either and its killing me. I think in my head the best thing is to just leave and let him make his mistakes but then i get the guilt cos i feel i should be supportive.
Its probably the hardest part to deal with and right now i dont have the answers. All i can do is offer my support and let you know that your not alone, we are all going through this or have been in the past and can share our experiences together and maybe it will help you get your head around things a little easier.
I hope im making sense,going through a rough patch tonight and im a bit of a mess.
sam.xx

MTBChick

Mr. Christian how right you are!! I only half grasped what everyone was saying to me until recently (i.e. within the last month). Point is now that I have broken the rhythm my life and soul is no longer being all consumed. I'm feeling very blessed in life.

SaTiT

Sorry about were you are at Gvargas. I've been there.

If there was anything inside of me that could have gotten me to leave
I'm pretty sure i would have done it many, many years ago.
Yes I can make logic of everything that was happening around me, but
logically it didn't matter. Becuase life wasn't normal at that stage for
me to make logic of it. All it dose is re inforce the cycle of dystructions
and me going into a depression becuase i can make logic of everything,
but why don't i take to proper actions and fine myself in the same mess
over and over again..then I'll beat up myself even more.

I just keep reaching out no matter what. no matter how many times
I've failed.

don't be so hard on yourself. Before I met my GF i had plenty of
freinds. graudually as years went by, my freinds came around less
and less, until oneday i notice i havn't had any friends for years.
I bascially lived in isolations . i went to work and stuff like that
,but as far as having friends for me to enteract with or talk to,
that's something that i lost. It's part of the disease.

make small changes in your life, like taking a walk alone in
a place or park you've never been. A different route to work.
move furnitures around, a new set of shoes. Read a book that
you've never read before.

I read a book call "love is a chioce" it's about co-dependency.
it gose into great details of why I'm the way I am.
I gose into great details of how and why the cycle of codi/alki
works. it helps me to understand it better.


I think for the most part, people where just praying for me.
when i was in the grips of that chaos and madess. becuase
i did everything backwards and i felt powerless over everything.

my thoughts and prayers are with you.

embraced2000

((((((gvargas))))))

there is hope. so much hope out there. al-anon, counseling, and this forum absolutely saved my sanity.

it took me 4 years to go through the process of healing and building a new life, but i wouldn't trade it for anything.

do you attend al-anon? if not, please consider going....you will find so much love and support there.

Barbara52

I realized that the most supportive thing I could do was to leave my AH and let him take responsibility for his own life and choices. As long as I was there, he was able to use me as a crutch and a buffer from the consequences of his drinking and failure to find himself a job. I still care and want him to get into recovery but I cannot do it for him.

2Growstrong

Dear gvargas, I was in the same place you are a little under a year ago. Now I am moved out and on...my divorce should be final before the holidays. Take baby steps to begin with. Can you move into your own room where you live now? Get a job if you don't have one...your own bank account and credit card. Begin to prepare yourself for a different life. It IS hard, but so worth it to get away from the madness. Use the anger as a tool to motivate yourself. It is your spirit for life. Feeling sad and depressed isn't always a clinical brain disorder...sometimes it's our souls way of saying we need to CHANGE something in our life. You are not alone...go to alanon, get some books to read...and come here to read and post. My thoughts are with you. Maryanne

Wascally Wabbit

This is where alanon groups help. You will find friendships, and a program to help you gain control over these feelings.
This stuff makes us insane. Fortunately there's hope.
Try them out and see how much help you can get.