seekNheal

I cant' afford one fo the many books mentioned here about "codies" at this time, so I'd like to ask y'all a question, please...

My RAH just told me he's gonna need a new debit card (old one not working cuz of the strip on the back). The way he said it, followed by a pause, led me to think he's expecting me to take care of it for him. Would this be a codie behavior for me to take care of it for him? Thanks for any input. (I've got to get that book!)

seekNheal

Oh, and how do I distinguish between a gesture being a codie behavior or being simply a gesture to be helpful or kind to my RAH? Thanx.

Spiritual Seeker

Many of the books about recovery including Melody Beattie's Co-depend. No More are available for free to borrow from my library system.My library has their catalog on line to see what books they have and I am able to reserve them. See if your library has some of the books you can't afford. I am ABLE to read all the current books at no cost. Does your cornfield have library? You might be surprised at their inventory.

Barbara52

Is you RAH incapable of calling the bank? Then let him do it for himself.

My answer actually has little to with being a codie. I just think folks should do things for themselves and not expect their spouse to take care of them all the time, especially since it involves a phone call.

fluffyflea

Why can't he take care of his own debit card? Does he not know how to use a phone?

Look on half.com you may be able to find the books there half price.

Ngaire

MadTuba

unless his fingers fell off in a tractor accident.....let him do it himself.

If you want some books on codependency, PM me your address and I will send them to you as my gift to you.

seekNheal

first-
Thank you Spiritual Seeker for the library lead--yes, "cornfield" has a small library-but for privacy concerns and avoiding gossip, I'd prefer another resource.

MadTuba, your offer is heart-warming, thank you. But, I should be able to get the book(s) on my own in a few weeks. I'll pass on your generosity so someone else who might be in more need than me can benefit.

I'm happy to say that my h took care of the matter on his own after I told him he'd have to talk to someone at the bank. Maybe I was reading too much in his words. I just wanted to be prepared if he came home and expected me to do it. I don't want to continue any co-depend. behaviors. thanx to all.

Mr. Christian

What is he 2 years old?

Let him do it himself.


You know Alanon meetings have some free literature that might help you.

DII

Ditto........he can do this.

liesagain

another option for books..............
1. pm your address and I'll send them.....not to much privacy there but Hey I'm in Florida and not a stalker
2. go to amazon and look at the really used books....sometimes you can get them for change..........
3. look in your community for a used book store here we have used book stroes that take books for credit and you trade for ones you want......

but to answer your question........I think if its something they can or should do for themself then we dont step in to help......and help only when asked............kind jestures are things you do ......like making him a cup of coffee and bringing it to him......to be nice
not necessarily taking care of his business

liesagain

oh yeah...........since you have a computer........there are lots of codependence web sites where you can read and learn for free

CBrown

Same as Seek & Mr. Christian. Before I knew it, I was doing it all because I was trying to be nice. Pretty good deal for the XABF. He moved on to greener pastures anyway. After three weeks of silence the checking account bounced. I said to a friend "oh oh, here comes a call" and SURE ENOUGH that day he called. "You really aren't going to help me with this, are you?" he said incredulously after a couple phone calls. I said "no, I've been doing everything for you and it hasn't taught you a damn thing. Call me in the morning and I'll tell you all the steps necessary to get yourself out of your jam." Never heard from him again. He conned the XGF into doing it. Well, maybe she's happy wh*ring herself in exchange for being nursemaid. I don't. I want a REAL partner.

I'm glad you let him figure out his own mess. But I am confused too. When DO you do nice gestures for your husband again? Suppose he recovers and stays long-term sober. Surely that doesn't mean you never do anything nice or helpful again! Who would want to be like THAT?

denny57

There are many ways to be supportive without "doing" for others.

wpgwoman

Here's an option for you. I have recently purchased Codependency no more and Beyond codependency by Melody Beattie from EBay. Both books were in great condition and unbelievably cheap. Give it a try. I too know how every penny counts

Good Luck to you!!!

seekNheal

Yea, CBrown, that's what I've been wondering, too. My RAH's been white-knuckle sober for 7-8 years and AA sober for about 2-3 months. I'm going to my 3rd alanon meeting tonite--I've learned a lot so far. But, I don't know much at all about co-depend.

Thank you to EVERYONE here. I appreciate the support. The past week or two has not been very good for me, I've been so sad and bummed out. But knowing y'all are here really helps-I know I've got some great support and wisdom to lean on. I think I'll do another post about the other thing that's been troubling me.

minnie

I see you made a great decision about the debit card, but this thread might be useful for the future. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html

As for recovery reading - check out the Nar-anon forum - Ann posts the daily reading from Language of Letting Go which was one of my key texts in my recovery. Also coping.org is a wonder site that is worth exploring in depth. In fact, there is loads of info on the net - just google any of the concepts you read about on here, like detachment or enabling, and you are sure to come up with some gems. Of course, there are the sticky posts at the top of the forum and trawling back through the archives on SR (use the [age numbers at the top and bottom of the page), which is something I did for weeks when I first found this site. Also, post whatever questions you have on here and there are plenty of people around to share their experiences with you. As has been mentioned, there is free literature available at Al-anon meetings and I know the groups I was involved with also had their own library of al-anon texts.

seekNheal

Minnie, thanx for the link to your previous post. Time to read it again! And the adults' toolbox on coping.org looks interesting-bookmarked it and I'll look into that further. All your leads are much appreciated.