Problems breaking away…. (plus one good thing too….)
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Problems breaking away…. (plus one good thing too….)
Venting a little….thanks for listening!
Since I just told my XABF I couldn’t be with him…he is making it so hard! It took everything I had to tell him I had to leave—I know I am weak & this is not helping!---- he keeps calling, crying & apologizing—and its so tempting to believe him. I have stood by my word…but every time I talk to him, and he tells me he wants to get help, and he loves me, and blah, blah, blah…and it gives me that little “glimmer of hope”. The rationale side of me says, “He’s lying” and I am trying to keep going about my life as if we are broken up… BUT just knowing that he still wants to be with me & that he has said those things—stops the crying--keeps me from grieving I guess... I feel stuck.... but maybe I just dont want to let go....
Well, not helping-- is the fact that I KNOW he feels like he has nothing left & I am afraid that if I 100% leave his life, he will try to hurt himself, and that scares me to death. I know this is not my responsibility, and I can’t control what he does… but no matter if he is my BF or not, I still care about him very much and I do not want anything to happen to him...
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Also, his parents call me daily...asking me for help mainly. He doesn't keep in contact with his parents for days, and they call me asking if I have heard from him, has he been drinking, if he is okay, etc....They also want me to help with a sort of intervention...knowing I am the only one who MIGHT be able to convince him to do anything....I DO want him to go get help & I worry about him too….the problem is just that the more I am involved--the more I get sucked back in to worrying and thinking about him all the time… I know his mom just loves her son, and wants the best for both of us…she even said, “you don’t have to do this & you dont have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” But still, how do I say “no” to her…truly, I am still worried just as much as she is… I don’t know what to say when she talks about being worried that he will attempt suicide again, and she says, “Stephanie, we have to do something! We have to do this…”
Lastly, not helping the situation....there is this commercial I keep seeing on TV, and it is just making me mad. They show a bunch of different people saying, “I waited until it was too late for my brother…” and, “I waited until it was too late for my friend” and “I waited until it was too late for my son and now he is dead”…etc…..
And the end of the commercial it says, “Don’t wait until it’s too late—If you know someone with a drug or alcohol problem, get them help now.”
It’s like, what the heck am I suppose to do??? I don’t want it to be “too late” for him! That is my WORST fear! That is all I think about!
I see this commercial & it makes me feel like I haven't done enough....and gets me worrying all over again....
But---on top of already trying everything I could think of to get him help--all that I have learned over the last week or so has told me I cannot do anything to help him......he needs to want to help himself, right? “I cant cure it,” as they say. Has anyone seen this commercial?? Maybe I'm misinterpreting it....(?)
************************************************** *************
Well, one good thing…this is kind of crazy and a bit out of character for me…but I needed something out of character right now....
So I have been sitting alone in my & my XABF’s apartment, starting to pack everything up, and feeling really sad, and also angry for all the work I put in here…and all the work I will have to “undo” to move out. I am looking at this accent wall that I had painted a dark red just about a month ago, thinking, what a waste of time that was (I will have to paint it back white again before I move). All of the sudden I thought… I am going to paint a giant mural on this wall! And I did! I love love love to be artistic…..and painting this helped to get my mind off all the "bad stuff" for a while.
I know this isn’t that “crazy” of a thing to do, considering it has no consequences (I’ll have to paint over it anyways), but for me—always being the “good one” and never doing anything AT ALL risky—it was kind of crazy ha.... I was even still a little scared..."What if I get in trouble!?..." (I know that may sound really silly....but I am used to always worrying....) but I did it anyways...
How often do you get a chance to take a big wall and just paint whatever you want on it!? So I thought I would share a pic of my “art” before I have to paint over it...
(I only had white paint to work with...)
Thanks for listening,
Love Stephanie
Since I just told my XABF I couldn’t be with him…he is making it so hard! It took everything I had to tell him I had to leave—I know I am weak & this is not helping!---- he keeps calling, crying & apologizing—and its so tempting to believe him. I have stood by my word…but every time I talk to him, and he tells me he wants to get help, and he loves me, and blah, blah, blah…and it gives me that little “glimmer of hope”. The rationale side of me says, “He’s lying” and I am trying to keep going about my life as if we are broken up… BUT just knowing that he still wants to be with me & that he has said those things—stops the crying--keeps me from grieving I guess... I feel stuck.... but maybe I just dont want to let go....
Well, not helping-- is the fact that I KNOW he feels like he has nothing left & I am afraid that if I 100% leave his life, he will try to hurt himself, and that scares me to death. I know this is not my responsibility, and I can’t control what he does… but no matter if he is my BF or not, I still care about him very much and I do not want anything to happen to him...
************************************************** *************
Also, his parents call me daily...asking me for help mainly. He doesn't keep in contact with his parents for days, and they call me asking if I have heard from him, has he been drinking, if he is okay, etc....They also want me to help with a sort of intervention...knowing I am the only one who MIGHT be able to convince him to do anything....I DO want him to go get help & I worry about him too….the problem is just that the more I am involved--the more I get sucked back in to worrying and thinking about him all the time… I know his mom just loves her son, and wants the best for both of us…she even said, “you don’t have to do this & you dont have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” But still, how do I say “no” to her…truly, I am still worried just as much as she is… I don’t know what to say when she talks about being worried that he will attempt suicide again, and she says, “Stephanie, we have to do something! We have to do this…”
Lastly, not helping the situation....there is this commercial I keep seeing on TV, and it is just making me mad. They show a bunch of different people saying, “I waited until it was too late for my brother…” and, “I waited until it was too late for my friend” and “I waited until it was too late for my son and now he is dead”…etc…..
And the end of the commercial it says, “Don’t wait until it’s too late—If you know someone with a drug or alcohol problem, get them help now.”
It’s like, what the heck am I suppose to do??? I don’t want it to be “too late” for him! That is my WORST fear! That is all I think about!
I see this commercial & it makes me feel like I haven't done enough....and gets me worrying all over again....
But---on top of already trying everything I could think of to get him help--all that I have learned over the last week or so has told me I cannot do anything to help him......he needs to want to help himself, right? “I cant cure it,” as they say. Has anyone seen this commercial?? Maybe I'm misinterpreting it....(?)
************************************************** *************
Well, one good thing…this is kind of crazy and a bit out of character for me…but I needed something out of character right now....
So I have been sitting alone in my & my XABF’s apartment, starting to pack everything up, and feeling really sad, and also angry for all the work I put in here…and all the work I will have to “undo” to move out. I am looking at this accent wall that I had painted a dark red just about a month ago, thinking, what a waste of time that was (I will have to paint it back white again before I move). All of the sudden I thought… I am going to paint a giant mural on this wall! And I did! I love love love to be artistic…..and painting this helped to get my mind off all the "bad stuff" for a while.
I know this isn’t that “crazy” of a thing to do, considering it has no consequences (I’ll have to paint over it anyways), but for me—always being the “good one” and never doing anything AT ALL risky—it was kind of crazy ha.... I was even still a little scared..."What if I get in trouble!?..." (I know that may sound really silly....but I am used to always worrying....) but I did it anyways...
How often do you get a chance to take a big wall and just paint whatever you want on it!? So I thought I would share a pic of my “art” before I have to paint over it...
(I only had white paint to work with...)
Thanks for listening,
Love Stephanie
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
Ughhh,,,
I hate those commercials. They should be taken off the air for the very reason you're stating! As we all know, we can't "get someone help!"
Next time I see one, I'm going to call the agency that put the commercial out!
I hate those commercials. They should be taken off the air for the very reason you're stating! As we all know, we can't "get someone help!"
Next time I see one, I'm going to call the agency that put the commercial out!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
You know the one that is left is always hit hard, alcoholic or not.
He will get over it.
This is his journey to either get help of sink lower; he is a big boy.
The simple fact that his mommy and daddy still need to call his EX is mind boggling.
Done enough for him?
Please this is not a “Lifetime” movie; he must do for himself.
It’s a good thing he has nothing left, sooner he hits his Bottom the better.
Keep moving forward.
He will get over it.
This is his journey to either get help of sink lower; he is a big boy.
The simple fact that his mommy and daddy still need to call his EX is mind boggling.
Done enough for him?
Please this is not a “Lifetime” movie; he must do for himself.
It’s a good thing he has nothing left, sooner he hits his Bottom the better.
Keep moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you are having it so hard right now. Remember that you are doing what is best for you and for him, whether anyone else can understand that or not.
Have you considered not answering the phone? You don't have to ya know.
The painting is lovely! Use your art to work through this difficult time.
Have you considered not answering the phone? You don't have to ya know.
The painting is lovely! Use your art to work through this difficult time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Thank you for all the support & compliments on my crazy wall mural haha...
keepingmyjoy~ yes! i love angels.... I actually have been drawing them a lot lately...I did one for my xabf while he was in rehab....and his roommate in rehab had seen it, and asked if I would draw him one as well
Also I just did another for my mom, as a bday gift--she is very spiritual--and loves angels....I did it very similar to the one in the mural...I really like that one......May I share? lol
(last one I promise)
keepingmyjoy~ yes! i love angels.... I actually have been drawing them a lot lately...I did one for my xabf while he was in rehab....and his roommate in rehab had seen it, and asked if I would draw him one as well
Also I just did another for my mom, as a bday gift--she is very spiritual--and loves angels....I did it very similar to the one in the mural...I really like that one......May I share? lol
(last one I promise)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
layla, that's gorgeous.
And I too would stop answering the phone, both your BF AND his family, until you're stronger. You're very fragile right now, and the manipulation will drive you out of your mind. Get yourself stable, and on your own two feet emotionally. You can decide the rest of your future later...but for now, if you keep talking to him, he'll keep making you feel horrible.
If your BF wanted to get help, he'd be GETTING help. He's a responsible adult, not a child, and doesn't need you to hold his little hand. Those commercials suck. If you want to write down their number and give it to him, fine. The choice is his, not yours, not his mom's.
if you cave in now, you will have only taught him what we all seem to teach addicts: we can be manipulated into taking them back, no matter what they do to us.
Deep breath.
Take care of YOU, Layla. Let him take care of him.
Hugs,
GL
And I too would stop answering the phone, both your BF AND his family, until you're stronger. You're very fragile right now, and the manipulation will drive you out of your mind. Get yourself stable, and on your own two feet emotionally. You can decide the rest of your future later...but for now, if you keep talking to him, he'll keep making you feel horrible.
If your BF wanted to get help, he'd be GETTING help. He's a responsible adult, not a child, and doesn't need you to hold his little hand. Those commercials suck. If you want to write down their number and give it to him, fine. The choice is his, not yours, not his mom's.
if you cave in now, you will have only taught him what we all seem to teach addicts: we can be manipulated into taking them back, no matter what they do to us.
Deep breath.
Take care of YOU, Layla. Let him take care of him.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
If you decide to join with the parents to do an intervention, you may want to read this book www.nomorelettinggo.com. It describes each step for an intervention, and how to find an interventionist. There is also a book by Bruce Cotter called "When They Won't Quit." Both are excellent reads. You can also contact the Intervention show and I cannot remember which network it is on.
My friends and I were contacted by the Intervention show and they were extremely interested in using R on an episode, but because he was known widely in the political world (and one of the would-be people in the intervention) we nixed that idea.
I mention all this as FYI only. I know first-hand that several of us did one-on-one interventions with R and he flat out refused to go to rehab. We still are trying to have him committed because he is so far gone he could probably be committed mentally as well. We know fully that recovery has to come from the addict, but in his case we don't believe he is mentally capable of ever being able to make that decision. It's past that. This is more of a "his body is quitting and his mind is gone" situation.
Well anyway, there's information for you, should you and the family decide to go the intervention course. I'm not trying to sway you either way.
My friends and I were contacted by the Intervention show and they were extremely interested in using R on an episode, but because he was known widely in the political world (and one of the would-be people in the intervention) we nixed that idea.
I mention all this as FYI only. I know first-hand that several of us did one-on-one interventions with R and he flat out refused to go to rehab. We still are trying to have him committed because he is so far gone he could probably be committed mentally as well. We know fully that recovery has to come from the addict, but in his case we don't believe he is mentally capable of ever being able to make that decision. It's past that. This is more of a "his body is quitting and his mind is gone" situation.
Well anyway, there's information for you, should you and the family decide to go the intervention course. I'm not trying to sway you either way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I wanted to add, that is some beautiful art. You have a wonderful gift.
And also ... I have found that attempting to work with the family on legal maneuvers is much easier when you do NOT have the A in your life actively. Their manipulations will take you down, not help the matter.
And also ... I have found that attempting to work with the family on legal maneuvers is much easier when you do NOT have the A in your life actively. Their manipulations will take you down, not help the matter.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I just want to say, yeah, what they said above.
Also it's a shame you have to paint over the beautiful mural you painted. I would love to move into an apartment and have an artist's work on my wall.
Keep taking care of you. Work it, you're worth it.
Jenny
Also it's a shame you have to paint over the beautiful mural you painted. I would love to move into an apartment and have an artist's work on my wall.
Keep taking care of you. Work it, you're worth it.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Layla, your art is beautiful!!!! thanks for sharing it! Your post really helped me today. I am trying really hard to pull away from my a. I told him it was over, and he keeps trying to talk to me, so sorry, nothing left, nowhere to go. It is so hard to leave them when we think they need us! I wish you strength!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Thanks again everyone!! 
I am having a hard time once again today....he keeps calling, and insisting we "hang out" at our apartment (he has barely been here 2 nights since we moved in a month ago....and all of the sudden he wants to "claim" it as his again)....but I am proud, because I keep saying "no!" (He has still been drinking every day! Is he crazy asking me that?!) And when he begins to attack me with his words, I calmly said, "I wont argue with you, I have already told you how I feel and you have already told me how you feel, and we obviously just disagree".....and leave it at that. And when he tried to manipulate me, I stayed calm, and replied, "Well, thats your decision".
I wish I would have said these things before!--I was always to scared he would leave, and I always fell victim to his manipulations...cried, and compromised...
Its almost funny because now I see when I just say to him, "Okay, if thats how you feel....then thats how you feel, and if you want to leave, then leave...." --he never had any intention of leaving, and all of the sudden "drops" the manipulative act, and starts becoming more reasonable! funny.
Well, thank you all again :o)
~Steph
Oh!....and that commercial!!
.......just saw it again lol
I am having a hard time once again today....he keeps calling, and insisting we "hang out" at our apartment (he has barely been here 2 nights since we moved in a month ago....and all of the sudden he wants to "claim" it as his again)....but I am proud, because I keep saying "no!" (He has still been drinking every day! Is he crazy asking me that?!) And when he begins to attack me with his words, I calmly said, "I wont argue with you, I have already told you how I feel and you have already told me how you feel, and we obviously just disagree".....and leave it at that. And when he tried to manipulate me, I stayed calm, and replied, "Well, thats your decision".
I wish I would have said these things before!--I was always to scared he would leave, and I always fell victim to his manipulations...cried, and compromised...
Its almost funny because now I see when I just say to him, "Okay, if thats how you feel....then thats how you feel, and if you want to leave, then leave...." --he never had any intention of leaving, and all of the sudden "drops" the manipulative act, and starts becoming more reasonable! funny.
Well, thank you all again :o)
~Steph
Oh!....and that commercial!!
.......just saw it again lol
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