I'm back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
I'm back.
It's been almost a year since my last post. SR helped me so much in the past, I hope it can help again now. AH got sober a year ago last July. I'd taken the children and left a few months before that because his abuse of me was starting to get physical. I only stayed away for a few weeks but it was with no communication and I had enough time to visit a really good abused women's center, do a lot of reading and finally come to the conclusion that I wouldn't come home until he promised my children would grow up in an alcohol free home. I was done. I really had no choice. He was dangerous, threatening to kill me dangerous. I was ready to talk to a lawyer. A big deal for a wimp like me who isn't a strong independent woman and has two disabled children to take care of (one autistic, one learning disabled, both brilliant).
He promised to quit drinking. I came home. He went to a few AA meetings that didn't go well. He went to some cognitive psych group meetings for alcoholics. Someone there suggested he try antabuse. After trying to get sober on his own for three months but still ending up passed out drunk every night, he finally went on antabuse. It worked. He still wanted to drink and he was still a moody jerk but he was sober. I wasn't looking forward to hanging out with him during his first year of sobriety even though I felt like I had to give him a chance since he was getting sober.
I was able to arrange for the children and myself to be away for most of that Winter because they were on a ski team (with my assisting on the team to facilitate my autistic son). AH would come up to stay with us on the weekends. We'd done something similar the year before and I'd learned he was more pleasant to be around if we only spent weekends together. Anyway, this past Winter, he managed to stay mostly sober. He's confessed to not having been 100% sober the whole year. He also confessed his father didn't just die of a heart attack when AH was a child but of a heroin overdose, a secret he'd felt the need to keep for the nearly 15 years we'd been together. He went from being a dangerous, psycho jerk to just being a moody jerk.
As his alcoholism had progressed, the children and myself had spent more and more time away from him. We'd made the best of it. When he'd become intolerable, we'd go on trips to Legoland, Seaworld etc.. We homeschool so staying in hotels and visiting museums worked for us. I had always tried to keep us on the go as part of my autistic son's intervention. Doing it while traveling wasn't a big adjustment. It became an enjoyable way of life for us. As enjoyable as a family with an abusive AH and no family to turn to could ever hope for.
My AH is the kind of oppositional sociopath that will pick a fight over what color the sky is, what order his meal is prepared in, the fact that I don't have his computer code access # memorized when he can't remember it and he's only got 20 minutes to get his fantasy football picks in because he slept in late. Any excuse for being angry will do, especially if he can upset me in the process. Well, I've toughened up enough over the years so most of it just goes in one ear and out the other but his latest plan of attack is getting to me.
He's angry with me for spending so much time away with the boys. He rants about it all the time, even when he's been involved in the planning, even when it involves trips he was planning to go on. My adjusting our schedule to be home more hasn't done anything to lessen his rants. And it's not like he acts as though he wants us here. He rarely does anything more with the boys than watch television with them once in awhile. Mostly, he hangs out, in his office, on his computer, obsessing over one of his collections or hobbies and ignoring us. That's a good day, at least then he's not taking out his bad moods on us. When I say on us, I mean mostly me. He's usually civil towards the children but they're not stupid. They know what's going on. Probably better than their father. Does the man actually think there's any good reason for us to hang out with him? More likely, he's miserable and is convinced he has the right to make me miserable too. From his perspective, he probably thinks it's only fair. After all, why should he have to be miserable all by himself? I'm just trying to see things from his perspective.
As I write this, I'm aware of a couple of things. One, I'm probably boring anyone still reading this nearly to death. Two, I really need to stop giving a rats a$$ about his perspective and move on with my life. My focus, as always, needs to be on doing what makes life good for my children and myself. He keeps bringing up his rights that he knows about because he "talked to a divorce attorney." There's a time that would have gotten a panic reaction out of me. Now, whatever. He's gonna do what he's gonna do and I need to do what I need to do.
My sister in-law had been a source of support to me because she knew how crazy her brother could be. I could sit in the closet, between the gun safe and my drunken AH, talking to her on the phone, knowing that she wouldn't make things worse by calling the police unless it became absolutely necessary... how sick is that? Not long ago she said something about a lot of women putting up with a lot worse than me. I had to agree with that but only because I'd managed to put a lot of his past behavior out of mind. I recently found out about something he did back when he was being psycho and it reminded me of how bad things were.
I'll put it down here because I want someone out there to understand what kind of man I've been living with. And the kind of person I am.
I recently spoke with an aquaintance, the father of a homeschooled boy about the same age as my boys. We'd started to get to know each other back around when my AH started getting really bad. Our boys had a couple of play dates. Then we didn't talk or see each other again for a long time. Now I know why. He had purposely avoided me because he thought I'd sent him an innappropriate e-mail. He only just had the courage to confront me about it. Sometime last year, my husband went into my e-mal (nothing unusual then) and sent this guy I hardly knew an innapprpriate picture of me. It's a picture my husband took of me with his digital camera. I won't go into detail but I'll just say most women would probably find the picture embarassing. I am more embarassed that I'm married to someone who'd do something like that. What if that poor guy's wife had seen it?
Meanwhile, I haven't said a thing about it to my AH because... what good would it do to bring up the past? Best just to file it under R for reality check.
Okay, if anyone's still reading this, I could obviously use some support. If not, well I'm grateful to SR for giving me a safe place to process all this.
He promised to quit drinking. I came home. He went to a few AA meetings that didn't go well. He went to some cognitive psych group meetings for alcoholics. Someone there suggested he try antabuse. After trying to get sober on his own for three months but still ending up passed out drunk every night, he finally went on antabuse. It worked. He still wanted to drink and he was still a moody jerk but he was sober. I wasn't looking forward to hanging out with him during his first year of sobriety even though I felt like I had to give him a chance since he was getting sober.
I was able to arrange for the children and myself to be away for most of that Winter because they were on a ski team (with my assisting on the team to facilitate my autistic son). AH would come up to stay with us on the weekends. We'd done something similar the year before and I'd learned he was more pleasant to be around if we only spent weekends together. Anyway, this past Winter, he managed to stay mostly sober. He's confessed to not having been 100% sober the whole year. He also confessed his father didn't just die of a heart attack when AH was a child but of a heroin overdose, a secret he'd felt the need to keep for the nearly 15 years we'd been together. He went from being a dangerous, psycho jerk to just being a moody jerk.
As his alcoholism had progressed, the children and myself had spent more and more time away from him. We'd made the best of it. When he'd become intolerable, we'd go on trips to Legoland, Seaworld etc.. We homeschool so staying in hotels and visiting museums worked for us. I had always tried to keep us on the go as part of my autistic son's intervention. Doing it while traveling wasn't a big adjustment. It became an enjoyable way of life for us. As enjoyable as a family with an abusive AH and no family to turn to could ever hope for.
My AH is the kind of oppositional sociopath that will pick a fight over what color the sky is, what order his meal is prepared in, the fact that I don't have his computer code access # memorized when he can't remember it and he's only got 20 minutes to get his fantasy football picks in because he slept in late. Any excuse for being angry will do, especially if he can upset me in the process. Well, I've toughened up enough over the years so most of it just goes in one ear and out the other but his latest plan of attack is getting to me.
He's angry with me for spending so much time away with the boys. He rants about it all the time, even when he's been involved in the planning, even when it involves trips he was planning to go on. My adjusting our schedule to be home more hasn't done anything to lessen his rants. And it's not like he acts as though he wants us here. He rarely does anything more with the boys than watch television with them once in awhile. Mostly, he hangs out, in his office, on his computer, obsessing over one of his collections or hobbies and ignoring us. That's a good day, at least then he's not taking out his bad moods on us. When I say on us, I mean mostly me. He's usually civil towards the children but they're not stupid. They know what's going on. Probably better than their father. Does the man actually think there's any good reason for us to hang out with him? More likely, he's miserable and is convinced he has the right to make me miserable too. From his perspective, he probably thinks it's only fair. After all, why should he have to be miserable all by himself? I'm just trying to see things from his perspective.
As I write this, I'm aware of a couple of things. One, I'm probably boring anyone still reading this nearly to death. Two, I really need to stop giving a rats a$$ about his perspective and move on with my life. My focus, as always, needs to be on doing what makes life good for my children and myself. He keeps bringing up his rights that he knows about because he "talked to a divorce attorney." There's a time that would have gotten a panic reaction out of me. Now, whatever. He's gonna do what he's gonna do and I need to do what I need to do.
My sister in-law had been a source of support to me because she knew how crazy her brother could be. I could sit in the closet, between the gun safe and my drunken AH, talking to her on the phone, knowing that she wouldn't make things worse by calling the police unless it became absolutely necessary... how sick is that? Not long ago she said something about a lot of women putting up with a lot worse than me. I had to agree with that but only because I'd managed to put a lot of his past behavior out of mind. I recently found out about something he did back when he was being psycho and it reminded me of how bad things were.
I'll put it down here because I want someone out there to understand what kind of man I've been living with. And the kind of person I am.
I recently spoke with an aquaintance, the father of a homeschooled boy about the same age as my boys. We'd started to get to know each other back around when my AH started getting really bad. Our boys had a couple of play dates. Then we didn't talk or see each other again for a long time. Now I know why. He had purposely avoided me because he thought I'd sent him an innappropriate e-mail. He only just had the courage to confront me about it. Sometime last year, my husband went into my e-mal (nothing unusual then) and sent this guy I hardly knew an innapprpriate picture of me. It's a picture my husband took of me with his digital camera. I won't go into detail but I'll just say most women would probably find the picture embarassing. I am more embarassed that I'm married to someone who'd do something like that. What if that poor guy's wife had seen it?
Meanwhile, I haven't said a thing about it to my AH because... what good would it do to bring up the past? Best just to file it under R for reality check.
Okay, if anyone's still reading this, I could obviously use some support. If not, well I'm grateful to SR for giving me a safe place to process all this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by gypsyrose 
He's confessed to not having been 100% sober the whole year.
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
He went from being a dangerous, psycho jerk to just being a moody jerk.
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
It became an enjoyable way of life for us. As enjoyable as a family with an abusive AH and no family to turn to could ever hope for.
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
My AH is the kind of oppositional sociopath that will pick a fight over what color the sky is, what order his meal is prepared in, the fact that I don't have his computer code access # memorized when he can't remember it and he's only got 20 minutes to get his fantasy football picks in because he slept in late. Any excuse for being angry will do, especially if he can upset me in the process.
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
I really need to stop giving a rats a$$ about his perspective and move on with my life. My focus, as always, needs to be on doing what makes life good for my children and myself.
Originally Posted by gypsyrose
Okay, if anyone's still reading this, I could obviously use some support. If not, well I'm grateful to SR for giving me a safe place to process all this.
L
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Hi Gypsy, welcome back home here. That is quite a road you have been traveling down with your AH. This is a good place to come in a process stuff. We have all done that here. I here you talk about your husband needing to get help and how he's tried AA and other programs, but what about you hon. Have you given al-anon a thought. You need recovery just as much if not more than he. You need to be there fully for your boys. I not saying you aren't now, but when you are stressed over "his" behavior and making plans around his drinking..... it, too, affects the boy's lives. You already sound like you have some sense about this stuff so why not go all the way and get the support from others that have been there also.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
First, I think posting here is the best thing you can do right now. Awesome job! When I started posting, I started focusing on me. Posting will help you focus on you and your kids. And, those are the only people you need to focus on. Again, posting here is a HUGE milestone.
In regards to you "what do I do questions", I can give you a few suggesitons that helped me:
1. Keep posting. For the love of God keep posting.
2. Get really busy doing something YOU want to do that never involves your AH. I went back to school, started playing soccer on a woman's rec team, and started setting goals for the next year.
3. Join some sort of team or group that has nothing to do with Alcohol or Alcoholics. This gives you the opportunity to reset your compass...see what is normal (there is a whole lot of normal out there).
4. Join a team or group that has everything to do with support for loved ones of alcoholics.
3. Get away from him for at least a while (deliberately avoid him, stop talking to him, change your number and don't give it to him)
My history: I was in a relationship with an A for almost 2 years. I was frustrated, upset, feeling helpless, desperately trying to see the "potential" in him and the situation. Then, I sort of woke up. I looked at the situation for what it actually was...really really ******. It was a process, but eventually I left him. Best decision I ever made in my entire life.
I think when we get into these relationships we put on the "love" blinders. We don't see the 99 things he does that are ridiculous, embarassing, violent, mean, disgusting, etc. We focus on that 1 time that he did something good (or didn't even do something good, rather proclaimed he "would" do something good). For this reason, it is easy to understand why you can write a post that is riddled with truly horrific experiences and still interact with your AH.
It is good that you got a away for a few weeks. My suggestion is to try it for a few months. I moved out temporarily for a few weeks too, and went back. The comparison of the two weeks without him to the move back was a real wake up call. I wanted out permanently after a few weeks back.
You are so close to having a better life. You're posting here, and that means you acknowledge that the situation is not good. Now that you acknowledge it, you can change it.
In regards to you "what do I do questions", I can give you a few suggesitons that helped me:
1. Keep posting. For the love of God keep posting.
2. Get really busy doing something YOU want to do that never involves your AH. I went back to school, started playing soccer on a woman's rec team, and started setting goals for the next year.
3. Join some sort of team or group that has nothing to do with Alcohol or Alcoholics. This gives you the opportunity to reset your compass...see what is normal (there is a whole lot of normal out there).
4. Join a team or group that has everything to do with support for loved ones of alcoholics.
3. Get away from him for at least a while (deliberately avoid him, stop talking to him, change your number and don't give it to him)
My history: I was in a relationship with an A for almost 2 years. I was frustrated, upset, feeling helpless, desperately trying to see the "potential" in him and the situation. Then, I sort of woke up. I looked at the situation for what it actually was...really really ******. It was a process, but eventually I left him. Best decision I ever made in my entire life.
I think when we get into these relationships we put on the "love" blinders. We don't see the 99 things he does that are ridiculous, embarassing, violent, mean, disgusting, etc. We focus on that 1 time that he did something good (or didn't even do something good, rather proclaimed he "would" do something good). For this reason, it is easy to understand why you can write a post that is riddled with truly horrific experiences and still interact with your AH.
It is good that you got a away for a few weeks. My suggestion is to try it for a few months. I moved out temporarily for a few weeks too, and went back. The comparison of the two weeks without him to the move back was a real wake up call. I wanted out permanently after a few weeks back.
You are so close to having a better life. You're posting here, and that means you acknowledge that the situation is not good. Now that you acknowledge it, you can change it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
my advice for what its worth
First, I think posting here is the best thing you can do right now. Awesome job! When I started posting, I started focusing on me. Posting will help you focus on you and your kids. And, those are the only people you need to focus on. Again, posting here is a HUGE milestone.
In regards to you "what do I do questions", I can give you a few suggesitons that helped me:
1. Keep posting. For the love of God keep posting.
2. Get really busy doing something YOU want to do that never involves your AH. I went back to school, started playing soccer on a woman's rec team, and started setting goals for the next year.
3. Join some sort of team or group that has nothing to do with Alcohol or Alcoholics. This gives you the opportunity to reset your compass...see what is normal (there is a whole lot of normal out there).
4. Join a team or group that has everything to do with support for loved ones of alcoholics.
3. Get away from him for at least a while (deliberately avoid him, stop talking to him, change your number and don't give it to him)
My history: I was in a relationship with an A for almost 2 years. I was frustrated, upset, feeling helpless, desperately trying to see the "potential" in him and the situation. Then, I sort of woke up. I looked at the situation for what it actually was...really really ******. It was a process, but eventually I left him. Best decision I ever made in my entire life.
I think when we get into these relationships we put on the "love" blinders. We don't see the 99 things he does that are ridiculous, embarassing, violent, mean, disgusting, etc. We focus on that 1 time that he did something good (or didn't even do something good, rather proclaimed he "would" do something good). For this reason, it is easy to understand why you can write a post that is riddled with truly horrific experiences and still interact with your AH.
It is good that you got a away for a few weeks. My suggestion is to try it for a few months. I moved out temporarily for a few weeks too, and went back. The comparison of the two weeks without him to the move back was a real wake up call. I wanted out permanently after a few weeks back.
You are so close to having a better life. You're posting here, and that means you acknowledge that the situation is not good. Now that you acknowledge it, you can change it.
In regards to you "what do I do questions", I can give you a few suggesitons that helped me:
1. Keep posting. For the love of God keep posting.
2. Get really busy doing something YOU want to do that never involves your AH. I went back to school, started playing soccer on a woman's rec team, and started setting goals for the next year.
3. Join some sort of team or group that has nothing to do with Alcohol or Alcoholics. This gives you the opportunity to reset your compass...see what is normal (there is a whole lot of normal out there).
4. Join a team or group that has everything to do with support for loved ones of alcoholics.
3. Get away from him for at least a while (deliberately avoid him, stop talking to him, change your number and don't give it to him)
My history: I was in a relationship with an A for almost 2 years. I was frustrated, upset, feeling helpless, desperately trying to see the "potential" in him and the situation. Then, I sort of woke up. I looked at the situation for what it actually was...really really ******. It was a process, but eventually I left him. Best decision I ever made in my entire life.
I think when we get into these relationships we put on the "love" blinders. We don't see the 99 things he does that are ridiculous, embarassing, violent, mean, disgusting, etc. We focus on that 1 time that he did something good (or didn't even do something good, rather proclaimed he "would" do something good). For this reason, it is easy to understand why you can write a post that is riddled with truly horrific experiences and still interact with your AH.
It is good that you got a away for a few weeks. My suggestion is to try it for a few months. I moved out temporarily for a few weeks too, and went back. The comparison of the two weeks without him to the move back was a real wake up call. I wanted out permanently after a few weeks back.
You are so close to having a better life. You're posting here, and that means you acknowledge that the situation is not good. Now that you acknowledge it, you can change it.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
(((((( ))))))))))) I read your whole post and it wasn't boring or too much. It was what you needed to write down in black and white. It's one of the best therapies, IMO. I hope you can figure out what you want for you and your children. It seems to me you have a full plate with homeschooling your children and running their activities. I know you don't have time to worry about what your AH wants and doesn't want. Besides you know as well as I do that nothing pleases active alcoholics. If you gave them the world, they would still find something missing or not right because it's not about what you are or aren't giving, it's about the big gapping hole they want others to fill. And it's and impossible task. The only one who can fill their enormous hole in their sole is them. So I say stop listening when he complains about not seeing or spending time with those boys. Who cares what he thinks because his thinking is screwed up anyway. Just go about your life doing what's best for you and them and when you are strong enough, you will pack up and leave if nothing has changed by then. I think the trick is to be strong enough to be able to do that. There is no time limit on readiness.
Regarding the personal picture he sent to that friend of yours? That is unbelieveable. And unforgiveable. It's awful the measures As will stoop to in order to alienate us from people around us. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm happy you found out it happened. I hope you can clear that up with your friend somehow. And think you are smart not revealing what you know. You're right when you say what would be the point. Indeed. If you have to explain the wrongness to a person who does something like that, than I don't believe they'll ever get it. It's self-explanatory. And one of the lowest things I've ever heard in real life.
Most of all, keep coming back here and try to fit the Al-Anon program into your life. I'm sure it's not easy with your schedule. It's hard for me and I don't have to help with learning disabilites with my kids which is even more time consuming. But you do need to take care of yourself so you can best help your children. In one of my Al-Anon groups, a woman reminded me of the story about the airplane. When you travel on an airplane and they are giving you the instructions for emergency landings, stewards will always tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before your kids because if you pass out, you can't help anyone including your children. It makes perfect sense. I try to apply that to myself regarding self-care. It's too important to ignore. HTH
Jenny
Regarding the personal picture he sent to that friend of yours? That is unbelieveable. And unforgiveable. It's awful the measures As will stoop to in order to alienate us from people around us. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm happy you found out it happened. I hope you can clear that up with your friend somehow. And think you are smart not revealing what you know. You're right when you say what would be the point. Indeed. If you have to explain the wrongness to a person who does something like that, than I don't believe they'll ever get it. It's self-explanatory. And one of the lowest things I've ever heard in real life.
Most of all, keep coming back here and try to fit the Al-Anon program into your life. I'm sure it's not easy with your schedule. It's hard for me and I don't have to help with learning disabilites with my kids which is even more time consuming. But you do need to take care of yourself so you can best help your children. In one of my Al-Anon groups, a woman reminded me of the story about the airplane. When you travel on an airplane and they are giving you the instructions for emergency landings, stewards will always tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before your kids because if you pass out, you can't help anyone including your children. It makes perfect sense. I try to apply that to myself regarding self-care. It's too important to ignore. HTH
Jenny
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
Things I Do for Myself
My second attempt at this post. My laptop ate the first.
I did enjoy going to Al-anon meetings when we were on vacation in Maui. My AH was able to watch the children for me so I could go. Over the years, I've tried several groups in my area, when my AH has been around to watch the children, and I haven't liked any of the groups enough to spend my limited alone time at them. My AH works long hours and I homeschool my boys so my alone time is very limited. One of the challenges that comes with having disabled children is finding childcare. At least I'm able to get my grocery shopping done while they're in karate class.
Please don't misunderstand, there is nothing I'd rather do than spend nearly every waking moment with my children. I am extremely grateful to be able to homeshool my boys. Before having children of my own, my joy came from working with other people's children. When I wasn't getting paid to teach, I was volunteering with recreation programs for youth with disabilities, children in homeless shelters, Big Brothers/Sisters, and programs for Deaf youth. Being able to do these things with my own children is my wildest dream come true.
Friday we're going to a Celtic Music Festival with friends. We love history and going to Renaissance Faires, Pirate Festivals and anything involving dressing up in period costume. In October, we're going to Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania to visit all the Revolutionary and Civil War historic sites. I found clothes at Goodwill and sewed on gold buttons to make Civil War costumes for the trip. Also in October is "Character Counts Week." I'm getting a few homeschool families together to do a program about things like respect and responsibility for our children.
As of January, the boys and I will be spending three months in the mountains for ski team and we'll only have to deal with AH when he comes up on weekends. So, you see, I do take care of my boys and myself... mostly by doing a lot of things without AH. My problem right now is that he's fighting me about doing those things. He even tried to say we couldn't afford to do ski team this year... I told him that as long as he could afford his precious Porche, we could afford to do ski team.
I quit speaking to AH yesterday (again). It's the best way to avoid getting baited into a fight. I respond to direct questions that it would be rude for me to ignore but that's it. I have to be careful to cut off the questions before they turn into interogations (one of his tricks). It's like that a lot around here. Stressful? Yes, But so is dropping off children for visitation with an AH. And so is living without the means to provide for my two special little boys. So, no, I'm not asking for a divorce. Because I don't think we'd be better off. Something could change to tip the balance of the scales like they did last year. When I told him I wasn't coming back unless he promised to quit drinking, I really didn't expect him to choose his family over Vodka. He has quit, as far as I can tell. He's physically a lot healthier. Better coloring, not bloated, doesn't stink and his behaviour, while not pleasant, isn't crossing the line into dangerously psychotic either. I know he's had slips because he's said so but I've never caught him and I don't try. I admit I am quick to forgive when he decides to be the least bit pleasant for awhile and I continue to hold out some hope that he will continue to get better as time passes. After all, things were once so much worse.
Meanwhile, I just keep trying to make the best of things...
I did enjoy going to Al-anon meetings when we were on vacation in Maui. My AH was able to watch the children for me so I could go. Over the years, I've tried several groups in my area, when my AH has been around to watch the children, and I haven't liked any of the groups enough to spend my limited alone time at them. My AH works long hours and I homeschool my boys so my alone time is very limited. One of the challenges that comes with having disabled children is finding childcare. At least I'm able to get my grocery shopping done while they're in karate class.
Please don't misunderstand, there is nothing I'd rather do than spend nearly every waking moment with my children. I am extremely grateful to be able to homeshool my boys. Before having children of my own, my joy came from working with other people's children. When I wasn't getting paid to teach, I was volunteering with recreation programs for youth with disabilities, children in homeless shelters, Big Brothers/Sisters, and programs for Deaf youth. Being able to do these things with my own children is my wildest dream come true.
Friday we're going to a Celtic Music Festival with friends. We love history and going to Renaissance Faires, Pirate Festivals and anything involving dressing up in period costume. In October, we're going to Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania to visit all the Revolutionary and Civil War historic sites. I found clothes at Goodwill and sewed on gold buttons to make Civil War costumes for the trip. Also in October is "Character Counts Week." I'm getting a few homeschool families together to do a program about things like respect and responsibility for our children.
As of January, the boys and I will be spending three months in the mountains for ski team and we'll only have to deal with AH when he comes up on weekends. So, you see, I do take care of my boys and myself... mostly by doing a lot of things without AH. My problem right now is that he's fighting me about doing those things. He even tried to say we couldn't afford to do ski team this year... I told him that as long as he could afford his precious Porche, we could afford to do ski team.
I quit speaking to AH yesterday (again). It's the best way to avoid getting baited into a fight. I respond to direct questions that it would be rude for me to ignore but that's it. I have to be careful to cut off the questions before they turn into interogations (one of his tricks). It's like that a lot around here. Stressful? Yes, But so is dropping off children for visitation with an AH. And so is living without the means to provide for my two special little boys. So, no, I'm not asking for a divorce. Because I don't think we'd be better off. Something could change to tip the balance of the scales like they did last year. When I told him I wasn't coming back unless he promised to quit drinking, I really didn't expect him to choose his family over Vodka. He has quit, as far as I can tell. He's physically a lot healthier. Better coloring, not bloated, doesn't stink and his behaviour, while not pleasant, isn't crossing the line into dangerously psychotic either. I know he's had slips because he's said so but I've never caught him and I don't try. I admit I am quick to forgive when he decides to be the least bit pleasant for awhile and I continue to hold out some hope that he will continue to get better as time passes. After all, things were once so much worse.
Meanwhile, I just keep trying to make the best of things...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Nothing to add ... just SUPPORT!!! You need to take care of YOU!!! After reading your post (and others) I am becoming more and more happy that I never lived full-time with my XABF and drew the line on verbal abuse very quickly after it started.
No one deserves to live like you and your boys are living. There's a much better life out there waiting for you!
No one deserves to live like you and your boys are living. There's a much better life out there waiting for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I also could not find an Alanon group that worked for me. (I live in a very small town, so there are only two to chose from) I did find a great counselor who helped me more than I can ever express.
L
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
