holdingouthope

Hello. My husband abuses alcohol and cocaine, and has been doing so for the last 2 years. Cocaine is a much larger problem for him. He acknowledges that it is a destructive, addictive behavior and many times has attempted to abstain, including going to AA/NA and seeing a counselor. Despite his attempts he continues to struggle with addiction. On top of this, he lies to me about when and how much he is using. I am supportive of him, but am tired of being constantly lied to and hate watching my husband ruin his mental and physical health for a sickness that he assures me he is "working on." I have suggested rehab, but every time there is an excuse and I understand that I can not make him do something he does not want to do.

As a result of my husband's abuse we have had to borrow money from his parents to pay the bills. His family is aware of the alcohol addiction, but not of the cocaine. My husband is very afraid of disappointing his family, and in my opinion, being held responsible for his actions. His father has told me many times that my husband's drinking is just a "bad habit" that he needs to outgrow. I fear that they do not understand the magnitude of his addiction. If they did, I know they would do everything they could to support him in recovery. I have been told that if I tell his parents I am only enabling him in his addiction.

I am fearful of what may happen to my husband if I leave. I love him very much and it is so painful watching him do this to himself. I also feel betrayed and that by lying to me, my husband is telling me that he does not want or need my support.

I guess this is a cry for help.

Buffalo66

Just a quick Hi, and welcome, (dinnertime for my son). I have found this forum unbelievably helpful. Keep posting, and good luck

BlindManBluffed

Hi and welcome here. I am also pretty new here, but wanted to respond to your posting.

Your father in law thinks that a level of alcohol use (since he doesn't know about the cocaine) that is so heavy that he has to contribute to supporting his son financially is something that his son can "grow out of". This seems to be a man who is pretty severely in denial. I must also say that allowing your husband to not face the consequences of his addiction - by helping him to hide his cocaine addition from his family - could be a sign of codependency on your part. It is hard to understand how allowing his family to know the truth about his addiction would be enabling it - how would this make it easier for him to abuse?

You are in a very difficult situation. Are you going to Al-Anon meetings? I recommend it. Also, posting here can help a lot.

holdingouthope

I am absolutely codependent. My fear in telling his father is that I am afraid that by telling him I will be somehow taking responsibility for all the cocaine.

I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight!

Thank you.

embraced2000

welcome holding......you have made a huge step by reaching out to this forum. this forum, along with al-anon literally saved my life from living with the effects of addiction and alcoholism.

you will receive so much support here.....just keep reading and posting. believe it or not, many many people will learn from your experiences that you share.

the more we talk it out, the clearer things can become.

much love to you
jeri

denny57

Welcome, holdingout, glad you're here!

I'd suggest Al-Anon. Educating myself about addiction helped tremendously.

Keep posting!

BlindManBluffed

The only person who is responsible for what goes up your husband's nose is your husband. If someone tries to dump that on you, ignore them.

I'm going tonight too. I'll be thinking of you.

Astro

Hello holdingouthope and pjreid, just wanted to welcome you and congratulate you on going to your meetings tonight! I hope your experience with Al-Anon is positive and helpful, as an alcoholic I find the meetings very informative and comforting.

Glad you're both here!

steve11694

"but honey, they tied me down and forced cocaine up my nose at gunpoint"

Spiritual Seeker

Start thinking about what is best for you. You aren't responsible for the results of his addiction or how he feels When addicts start to feel the conseq. and the loss that it creates only then may they try a different way. You can't control the situation and as you know trying to do so is just too big of a job that has no success rate. If you don't want to live this way you have options. It sounds like you are just trying to guess what they are.You can't reason with addiction.
Best wishes as you figure out your best course.

Rella927

Welcome to SR! So glad that you found us! Keep posting and coming back there are a great bunch of inspiring people here! You are not alone so do not feel that you are! You have come to the right place!

hmbld

I've been in, well still am, in a similar situation with the husband's family. And I also know how painful it is watching them self destruct, but there really is nothing you can do to prevent it. You have to focus on yourself and figure out how to protect yourself. Telling his parents really won't solve his problems.

When mine was hitting his rock bottom, I was tempted daily to pick up the phone and tell his parents what was going on. They've always been very supportive of me, and know he has a problem. His mother has told me on more than one occassion to save myself and get out of the marriage, (she divorced his father when he was very young because of his drinking).

I never made that call, and I'm glad I didn't. That is his burden to bear, not mine. It's his job in recovery to tell or not to tell.

You've got a tough road ahead, we all do. This forum and these wonderful people on here makes that road a little less bumpy for me. I hope it does the same for you.

embraced2000

how are you doing today, holding?

i understand how hard it is to watch a loved one self destruct, as all of us here do, too. it is heartbreaking.

the recovery road is heartbreaking to begin, but once we begin, it is self-perpetuating......like a rock rolling down a hill, picking up momentum. once we begin our recovery, the whole world opens up to us and we begin to see things more clearly. that's not to say it is easy. but it is so worth it.

best to you
jeri

lostnfound1961

If you feel you need to tell his parents then do it. Maybe he should go live with them for a while so they can see just how messed up he is. If as you say, they will try to help. I think thats good. A good old fashioned intervention. If it doesn't....... Do you want to go down with him? He is killing him self. If he does not truly try to sop, then it wont matter if your there, he will still be killing him self.

NOW here is the next question..... Do you want to die? I know I don't. We can't controle people or their choices. We can put the road before them but they still might head strait for the bushes. Can you see that road? You need to look down that road into the future and try to see where you will be if you are with him. (someplace lost in the bushes I bet) or you could be back in controle of your life and all the way down past the bend in the road. A place where the sun is shining and worms your face. A place where it's ok to smile and laugh, and not have to worry about the other shoe dropping at any moment.

I guess I'm just trying to say is, even in the darkest moments there is still hope. It may not come in the way you thought is would. Things may change drasticly, but it just might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Hugs
D

holdingouthope

Hi: My first Al Anon meeting last night went ok. My husband has been promising to go to his old AA meetings but every day is a new excuse. I have been training my brain to be buried in his problem for so long and for the first time in awhile I see a light out for myself. Each day is a new opportunity to learn and grow.