Remembering the bad stuff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 34
Remembering the bad stuff
Why is it so hard to remember the bad stuff? Why is it that, with my AH out of the house and finally living in a peaceful environment, my memories of our relationship tend to focus on the good times: our honeymoon, nights by the fire, snuggled up on cold nights, and even raking leaves in the yard? What happened to the countless lies, endless deception and uncovered pain meds?? The fighting, the mood swings, going through his things, and the endless hours he spent on the couch because he "didn't feel well?" Am I just blocking all of this out? If so, why??
Remembering only the good stuff makes me long for what we once had... for the days prior to when I discovered his addiction. I still can't seem to let go of the hopes and aspirations I had for our future together, and that's the part that makes me sad. If I could just focus on the here and now - the addiction and all of its ugly components - I could let go so much easier.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Remembering only the good stuff makes me long for what we once had... for the days prior to when I discovered his addiction. I still can't seem to let go of the hopes and aspirations I had for our future together, and that's the part that makes me sad. If I could just focus on the here and now - the addiction and all of its ugly components - I could let go so much easier.
Has anyone else experienced this?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have.
Part of our self-healing is to let go of the pain. That helps rid ourselves of the anger, resentment and sadness that can eat away at our souls.
It is never wrong to treasure the precious moments in life, these are the times of light and laughter and all that is good in the world.
What it is difficult for a codie like me to do is to separate the two into healthy places without losing the pain in denial. It wasn't so bad...the good outweighed the bad...if only...I coulda, shoulda and woulda...maybe he would have changed.
My addict is my son, but it's much the same. The reality is that when we live with an active addict, we are drawn into hell with them. Some, like you and I, are lucky to be able to find our balance and walk out again, even alone. Some stay stuck there for eternity, and some just get sicker and sicker just like the addict and they have an emotional collapse.
When I allow the good memories to tempt me to walk into hell again, I make an effort to remember the bad times and the reality of how it was. This is often done best with the help of a sponsor or surrounded by support, because taking our minds back to the pain can be a dangerous thing to do alone.
Meetings helped me most, and a wonderful sponsor who understood even this. Working the 12-steps of recovery and using them every day in my life, helps me to keep my balance even on the very bad days.
When my mind begins to wander down that one-way street of depression, I remember what my good friend Hangin' In told me a long time ago...she said "Don't go there, it never leads to anyplace good. Make a U-turn and get back to the road of recovery." For a lady in a hoop skirt with a lovely southern drawl, that Hangin' sure does know a lot about how this works.
I'm sending hugs and prayers because I know this is a hard time for you, when perhaps you have let go, but still hang on to a few regrets. I think we all do.
Hugs
Part of our self-healing is to let go of the pain. That helps rid ourselves of the anger, resentment and sadness that can eat away at our souls.
It is never wrong to treasure the precious moments in life, these are the times of light and laughter and all that is good in the world.
What it is difficult for a codie like me to do is to separate the two into healthy places without losing the pain in denial. It wasn't so bad...the good outweighed the bad...if only...I coulda, shoulda and woulda...maybe he would have changed.
My addict is my son, but it's much the same. The reality is that when we live with an active addict, we are drawn into hell with them. Some, like you and I, are lucky to be able to find our balance and walk out again, even alone. Some stay stuck there for eternity, and some just get sicker and sicker just like the addict and they have an emotional collapse.
When I allow the good memories to tempt me to walk into hell again, I make an effort to remember the bad times and the reality of how it was. This is often done best with the help of a sponsor or surrounded by support, because taking our minds back to the pain can be a dangerous thing to do alone.
Meetings helped me most, and a wonderful sponsor who understood even this. Working the 12-steps of recovery and using them every day in my life, helps me to keep my balance even on the very bad days.
When my mind begins to wander down that one-way street of depression, I remember what my good friend Hangin' In told me a long time ago...she said "Don't go there, it never leads to anyplace good. Make a U-turn and get back to the road of recovery." For a lady in a hoop skirt with a lovely southern drawl, that Hangin' sure does know a lot about how this works.
I'm sending hugs and prayers because I know this is a hard time for you, when perhaps you have let go, but still hang on to a few regrets. I think we all do.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
I couldn't have said it any better than Ann. I think remembering all the good is a really healthy sign that you have let go of a lot of anger/resentment.
I divorced my AH after a couple of horrible years, however he never got into drugs until we were married about 14 or 15 years, so most of the good outweighed the bad in the long run, but I didn't really see that until I let go of the pain/anger.
We now have a great relationship and co-parent our kids, we make a great team and we are in a good place today, that wouldn't have been possible if I was only remembering the awful pain/devestation that occurred in that 4-5 years vs the 14 or 15 years we had prior!
Give yourself a thumbs up it's all good!
I divorced my AH after a couple of horrible years, however he never got into drugs until we were married about 14 or 15 years, so most of the good outweighed the bad in the long run, but I didn't really see that until I let go of the pain/anger.
We now have a great relationship and co-parent our kids, we make a great team and we are in a good place today, that wouldn't have been possible if I was only remembering the awful pain/devestation that occurred in that 4-5 years vs the 14 or 15 years we had prior!
Give yourself a thumbs up it's all good!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 34
You're so right - its the "it wasn't so bad" thought that creeps into my mind, mostly because my AH was functional. Went to work, paid the bills, etc. Could he have worked harder, played harder, etc? Of course. And for the most part, he treated me well... until the mood swings took over occasionally.
Regardless of his level of functioning, it still isn't good enough for me, and that's what I need to keep reminding myself.
Thank you for your kind and helpful thoughts.
Regardless of his level of functioning, it still isn't good enough for me, and that's what I need to keep reminding myself.
Thank you for your kind and helpful thoughts.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
I can't add much to what's already been said. Ann put it so beautifully.
For me, when I was able to start remembering the good times without any anger, resentment or sadness, I knew I was getting better. I like being able to remember the good times without feeling sad now.
It also reminds me that my exabf was a person.....a person with a bad disease. He wasn't always mean, selfish and irresponsible.
But like most here, I had to decide what I could and couldn't live with and what was affecting my life negatively. I was allowing his choices and his addiction to make me crazy. Just as he has choices, so did I.
For me, when I was able to start remembering the good times without any anger, resentment or sadness, I knew I was getting better. I like being able to remember the good times without feeling sad now.
It also reminds me that my exabf was a person.....a person with a bad disease. He wasn't always mean, selfish and irresponsible.
But like most here, I had to decide what I could and couldn't live with and what was affecting my life negatively. I was allowing his choices and his addiction to make me crazy. Just as he has choices, so did I.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Great stuff said - also wanted to add for me, my sponsor pointed out that maybe I was also "discounting" my feelings too.
Like, he had given me the money so maybe I shouldn't be mad because he took it back out of my purse,
or
You know, he never hit me, so it wasn't really abuse - (discounting the emotional & verbal abuse that I lived in for over 10 yrs) maybe it wasn't that bad
or
He was really nice to my family yesterday so if he's in a bad mood today & using - that's ok - at least it wasn't that way yesterday.
Discounting my feelings, my hurts & my pains - today, I know, like you & others have said - it was NOT all BAD. But I also know that I discounted my feelings and the pains because of low feelings of self-worth and not trusting my own emotions. There were bad things, hurtful things & today I need to focus not so much on what happened then but on what I want and where my HP is leading me.
Just what works for me -
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Like, he had given me the money so maybe I shouldn't be mad because he took it back out of my purse,
or
You know, he never hit me, so it wasn't really abuse - (discounting the emotional & verbal abuse that I lived in for over 10 yrs) maybe it wasn't that bad
or
He was really nice to my family yesterday so if he's in a bad mood today & using - that's ok - at least it wasn't that way yesterday.
Discounting my feelings, my hurts & my pains - today, I know, like you & others have said - it was NOT all BAD. But I also know that I discounted my feelings and the pains because of low feelings of self-worth and not trusting my own emotions. There were bad things, hurtful things & today I need to focus not so much on what happened then but on what I want and where my HP is leading me.
Just what works for me -
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I was in that same place.. occiasionally (rarely these days) I go there again..
I was there for the first few months after he left even tho I could not have him back due to the drugs.. I still yearned and missed and cried. Then I found out he had been cheating. That violation and the violated feeling it gave me (he was having us BOTH for awhile! YUK!!!) took me right off the sad wagon and onto the angry one.
I still get angry sometimes.. if it crosses my mind (usually due to a song on the radio or some other silly trigger). Most days I am fine.
It takes time. You will get there.
I was there for the first few months after he left even tho I could not have him back due to the drugs.. I still yearned and missed and cried. Then I found out he had been cheating. That violation and the violated feeling it gave me (he was having us BOTH for awhile! YUK!!!) took me right off the sad wagon and onto the angry one.
I still get angry sometimes.. if it crosses my mind (usually due to a song on the radio or some other silly trigger). Most days I am fine.
It takes time. You will get there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
