CraigLee

Hi. I posted a while back about my fiancée and my suspicions that she has a drinking problem. Although she does not drink every day I became concerned over the way she drinks Friday to Sunday night. When she drinks she drinks - typical would be four/five beers and six/eight whiskey shots (normally appears ok on this amount of alcohol, though often cannot remember the night before).

Anyway there were a few things that got my alarm bells ringing and got me to this site. I have been reading the posts for a month or so and have been educated enough to have the conversation with her. She ahs denied there is a problem but agreed to stick to two beers to see how it goes. That went well for 3 weeks (I was beginning to think all is ok) then you guessed it, major binge, words exchanged. I got a whole load of bile on how I was controlling her drinking and it was wasting her nights out etc.

Next morning can't remember (nothing new in this) leaving the restaurant, getting home or what was said. All apologies etc. Apparently it was the wine (a whole litre of it on top of 4 beers and 2 pints of cider), does not agree with her. Said she would have been fine if she had stuck to beer. She has said that she will stick to 3 beers in future (two wasn't enough that's why she had a binge).

To cut a long story short I've had enough, I can't go on wondering when/how much/what state she is going to be in. This would be so much easier if I could be sure that there was a problem and that she was going to recognise it and do something about it. Not that clean cut - doesn't drink every day, not in any trouble etc. Only issue is when she drinks the way she does it. How can you split with someone just because you see a possible problem in the future (its a bit of a problem now but all in all the relationship is good).

I shouldn't have to tell her how much or not to drink - don't want that kind of relationship.

This is so hard. What if I'm wrong and give up someone that I love!

So far I haven't had to experience anything like most people on this forum. Maybe I'm just reading everyone's stories and imagining the future in the worst possible light.

All I know at this point is that I am worried and getting drained. Sorry for the rant.

luvmyfam

I had a long post written and I lost it.
I just wanted to tell you that I could have written your post word for word. My dh does the same thing. we have the same where it gets better and then gets worse. I hate weekends, holidays, and pretty much any social gathering because of my dh's binge drinking.
I don't know what to tell you but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

spinner

She sounds like a typical alcoholic to me. If you value your sanity you will run away from this relationship. And maybe that will make her realize there is a problem. Yes, you love her but you don't love her drinking and if she doesn't stop it will only get worse.

If you are stupid like me, however, you will stick with her until she drives you totally crazy!

I chose to educate myself about alcoholism and it scared me silly. My bf didn't go to treatment until he scared himself silly. After treatment he kept saying how little he had known about alcoholism and how much danger he had been in while he was drinking. People die from alcohol poisoning, from falls, accidents, fires, let alone drinking and driving. Trying to tell an alcoholic this does very little good though because of the effect the alcohol has on their brains - they cannot admit there is danger, let alone a problem. It's not a moral failing or stupidity - it's the physical effects of the alcohol.

I wish you luck. Al-Anon helped me a lot.

Spinner

parentrecovers

i don't think it's about giving up. it's about taking care of YOU.

keep posting, and welcome - k

Buffalo66

I know...We hear alot about it being a progressive disease, and it is hard to apply until hindsight.

My A was a your-GF-style-drinker. That was 4-5 years ago. He is now homeless, jobless, and unable to keep himself afloat without a drink, mentally. It is not a good thing to gamble with. It is your life, your sanity.

I will tell you something; I tried everything; I began to try to drink with him, to keep up...I tried to get him help, I tried to fake out leave. Nothing stopped the train that is his disease, and I wish I could say,"get her help NOW"...but she wont get it unless she feels some kind of impact. I think you should start detangling, now, and prepare to leave. And be VERY clear about why you are doing so. Make no other reasons a part of it. If everything else is good, and she has this disease and wont treat it, then you ought to tell her you are leaving and THAT is why. I wish that I had. Now I have a son, who I love so much...but I am tethered to this wreck of a man.

If you leave, try not to tell yourself that you are doing it so she will come around and see the truth and get better. really try to leave, b/c she may NEVER come around. Miracles happen, but you are not God.

hadenoughnow

My AH started out as a binge drinker during his late teens, it progressed to daily drinking. You are not imagining things or over reacting. If you stay with her and she does not find recovery your story will be the same as ours.

WantsOut

hi Craig-

Believe it or not, she is on her best behavior now. After the wedding you will be stuck together and unable to part without major legal and emotional consequences. Breaking up is far easier than divorcing. After the wedding, in my experience, both parties "let it all hang out". Whatever is a small issue now will become a major one later. Be sure of what you are doing. That nagging voice in your head is trying to tell you something very important ... listen to yourself. If you don't you may be kicking yourself later.

As for "giving up" on someone - well, forget those love song platitudes about love being all you need. You need a lot more than love to make a marriage work. Addiction is one of the big As - Addiction, Adultry, Abuse - for which divorce is not just permitted, it's encouraged.

Maybe if she were willing to admit she had a problem, you could work with her. But she's not - she's blaming you for trying to control her. Think about that long and hard. Who is giving up on whom?

Love and hugs

kermit

I guess my answer would be never.. I will not give up on the father of my children, but I have given up my marriage. I have been diviorced for only a short time. I have be working on me and helping my kids. You see i hope and I love from afar. He will always be a great man to me. But i knew I had to let go. When he is better, when his choice is to be better, I will let him back in and be a friend to him. right now it is all about ME and MY KIDS.

hope-faith

CraigLee

For me and my ABF, I needed to look in the mirror and ask myself one question -- is alcohol causing a problem in our relationship? Whether or not she admits she is an alcoholic isn't really a factor. If her drinking alcohol is causing a problem in your relationship -- which it sounds like it is -- then she has a drinking problem.

When I realized that my answer was "yes," I was faced with only two choices that I could accept: (1) either he recovers or (2) I leave the relationship. We discussed this only once. Within two days, he made the decision to go into rehab and has been sober since June.

But, I'm now faced with an even harder question -- what now? How long do I wait? At what point will I feel that he has "recovered" to the degree that I would commit to marrying him? I just posted this very question this week to the group and the answers were very very similar and not very optimistic. And it's a question I need to really think long and hard about.

If I marry someone with an alcohol problem, whether in recovery or not, what kind of life have I just signed on for? At this point, I am just grateful that I am not yet married to him and I can give myself as much time as I need to figure this one out for myself and by myself. This board is GREAT and so is Al-anon.

Best to you!!!

CarolD

Please read this link....especially #35

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...fluence-2.html

Blessings to the two of you

steve11694

You have described what is known in alcoholism as "binge drinking" Typically the spaces between binges gets smaller and smaller till drinking is much more frequent.

Alcoholism is not defined by "drinking every day all the time etc" It is what the drinking does the persons life. Blackouts, or amnesia, not remembering the night before is a serious hallmark of alcoholism, especially if it repeats itself

steve11694

Pre-nuptial agreement is a MUST and make sure your lawyer knows about his alcohol problem.

steve11694

CraigLee

Don't even think about marrying without a prenuptial agreement, if you so decide to marry. Make sure your lawyer involved in the prenup is aware of her drinking issue.

My now AW developed alcoholism a few years after being married. She is the loveliest person I have ever known in my life, PERIOD. I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that this nightmare would tear our family apart. A prenuptial agreement saved us big time.

LaTeeDa

It's not a question of giving up on "someone." It's more a question of giving up on a dream you have where "someone" else plays a major role. Looking back, I think one of the mistakes I made was tying my dreams to my husband. I crafted my dreams so that I was dependent on him doing his part to make my dreams come true.

I look at things differently these days. I have my own dreams. They have room in them for people and relationships, but they do not depend on someone else. In other words, I know I can have a good, happy life whether someone joins me in it or not. And, I carefully observe the actions of others to determine if my dreams are compatible with having a relationship with them.

L

Jazzman

And I hope you don't. I would caution you against minimizing this problem, it's easy to do.

Marriages are hard to undo and impossible when you have children.

minnie

Just popping in to make a quick point that others may not be aware of - pre-nups are not the same in Scotland as in the US, so please take legal advice if you are intent on marrying her. I know it is not very romantic to think about the worse case scenario, however I do wish more people would do that instead of leaving on the rose tinted glasses.

I gained a lot of clarity when I realised that carrying on the path to marriage with a problem drinker meant that I was essentially giving up on me - my dreams, my soul, my integrity, my potential for happiness, not to mention more practical concerns in terms of my mental health and financial wellbeing. And it was never actually about the physical act of drinking, in a sense, but the behaviours that went alongside it. There are some on here whose partners do nothing else to concern them but drink (which of course brings its own serious issues). I remember my counsellor asking me if I would accept those behaviours in a pertner who didn't drink, and I was stunned. Because of course I wouldn't. Also, a big shift in my thinking came when I was able to understand that he could do whatever the hell he liked with his life.......and I could with mine. The fact that the two paths were fundamentally incompatible to me therefore left the decision in my hands. (Interestingly, it didn't bother him that the paths were not aligned, because in a subtle sense, they were to him. He needed me to be angry, upset, worried, etc, to supply him with the excuse to drink. Also, as long as I was providing for his needs - company, money, attention, a veneer of respectability - then all was OK as far as he was concerned.)

Hon, you aren't talking about a possible problem in the future. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't a problem right now.

hbb

I agree totally with this, I actually said last night to a friend that i wanted the dream life i thought i would be able to have with my exabf. Not the case, i would never have that white picket fence, no money, no family, nothing. I wish i saw the many red flags that i ignored for so long. I wish you and your gf the best but if i can give you anything to take with you, it would be to take care of yourself, i didn't do that and paying for it now emotionally and he's off doing god knows what.

Afraid2Succeed

From my experience, people rarely change when they don't have to. And its harder to change when there's no admittance of a problem.

Craig, I wish you happiness in your relationship. I think you have to use your best judgment about your GF's drinking 'habits'.

Keep us posted with updates.

minnie

Apols, I need to clarify this.

When I speak of giving up my happiness, mental health, etc, I didn't mean to insinuate that I relied on him to provide that for me. Rather, that my pursuit of contentment with him in my life was a little like wading through treacle. Or perhaps a better analogy would be having a field of recovery that was laid with mines set by him. Many would say "al-anon teaches you how to avoid those mines and still find contentment". Me, I'd rather ensure that he wasn't in my life to lay those mines in the first place. Because that was what he wanted to do - he had a vested interest in me not beng healthy, because that would mean that either I would leave, or that I would hold a mirror up to him.

SaTiT

There's never a right time to let go.
Letting go dosn't neccesary mean giving up.

For me, it took a lot of pain to let go, emotionally detached.
Yes, it seems totally half ass backwards to how I perceived
what a normal relationship should be.

Having a conversation with a drunk drove me out of my freaken mind
becuase it dosen't make any sense and that's probably where a lot
of my insanity stems from. Even if it did make sense...my gf didn't
remember a damn thing the next day...so it was relatively a wasted
of my time...but the damn Dr. Jackyl and Mrs. Hyde routine had me
going for a while and kept me in that cycle...well once i get into a
cycle..I'm totally screwed, becuase when I'm in it...I don't even know
that I'm in it...That's why i read, and read and read...hopefully something
I read will pop into my mind and hopefully I make my way out of it.
but not really..it takes me hitting an emotional bottom (pain)...
the term give up.

yes, it seems like my heart was going to explode,but being seperated
from my gf was the best for both of us...at the very least, i got some
needed rest and sleep. My thinking got clearer.