Bright_Side

This is my first post here, and i need some advice about my husband.

He quit drinking 4 months ago (been drinking heavily for years, and smoking pot for about 1) after I got sick to death of the emotional abuse, manipulation, etc, and walked out. I came back a week later on the understanding that he doesn't drink again.

4mths on, and he is still dry. The problem is he now thinks he's proved he can manage his drinking (how he knows this is beyond me) and keeps threatening to go and get some cans. His quote - "I never said I would quit forever"!

After the $hit he put me and our kids through, I really cannot handle him drinking again. I really don't know what to do...my life is in limbo waiting for "when" or "if" he starts drinking again.

Has anybody been in this position, and what did you do?

thanks for reading

ICU

Welcome to SR Bright Side!

What you can do is start attending some Alanon meetings in your area.

And no, you're life really isn't in limbo while waiting for 'if' and 'when' he starts drinking again. 'You' have choices.

Give Alanon a try to learn about how other people in similiar situations have handled it, what their choices were, boundaries, etc.

Also, do plenty of reading here and in the stickies which are located at the top of this forum.

Again, welcome to SR. Keep coming back.

WantsOut

Hi Brightside- I've been through that. Mine went five months and then started drinking worse than ever. I feel for you.

Then told him I wanted him out of here. So he swore he'd be sober to save the marriage. When I didn't immediately act the way he wanted me to cause I had a lot of hurt feelings to work through, he locked himself in his office and went on a 3 day binge. It was disgusting.

So I finally got him out. He begged to come home and he kept telling me he was sober. One day he picked me up for a "date". He was being chivilrous and opened the passenger door for me. There, between the seat and the door was a full can of beer, fallen from a 12-pack no doubt.

Shortly thereafter he was arrested for dwi #3 and forced into sobriety with the threat of jailtime. I suspect that he is being sober only to stay out of jail. His PO said he will be off of probation in 1.5 years if he doesn't give them any trouble. I pray that sobriety will be a way of life for him then.

Today we are friends. We go to dinner once in a while. We will never be together again because I will never trust him fully again, but we will always mean something to each other.

Hugs and love

MsGolightly

mine went a year and also started drinking worse than ever! still is... 9 months down the road.

a year sober and i started hearing things like, "i think i could drink socially," or "i only want to have one." there just ain't no such thing.

i never had boundaries in place, and i think they would have helped me tremendously. what are your boundaries, and are you ready to stick to them?

irelandx7

An A just can't have a few and be fine. Much like a coke addict who can't snort one time and be fine. He is fooling himself, don't let him fool you.

Go to Alanon and find support to help strengthen yourself. It will benefit all of you.

**HUGS**

Mr. Christian

Sounds like the manipulation is still going on.
I guess your question to yourself is, "How long do I want to live this way?"

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, bright side. most of the folks in recovery here agree - there is no such thing as "managing" the drinking for an alcoholic.

take care of YOU! and keep posting!

blessings, k

hmbld

Yes, and the only thing you can do is decide if you can stick around until he decides on his own that he's ready to quit for good. No amount of threats, tears, begging, etc.. will do a thing. Have been there, done that, tried every trick in the book to make my AH see the light and quit drinking. None of it works, so you just have to focus on you.

FormerDoormat

I stuck around for 25 years. In the end he drank himself to death. The last time I spoke to him before he died, he sounded drunk. I asked him if he was drinking; he said "no." He was found dead in his apartment with a half-gallon of rum at his side. He lied to me about his drinking until the bitter end.

Each of us has a different tolerance level and only we can decide when we've had enough. I asked him to move out two years ago, but we kept in touch by telephone and occassionally visited one another. But even that was a painful experience.

The bottom line is the pain stops when we choose to end it. Even when things appear to be the bleakest, we always have choices. These days I'd choose a life free from the effects of another's drinking over the pain of living with an addict in a heartbeat. And I pray that I'm strong enough, healthy enough, and wise enough not to repeat my past mistakes.

I pray for peace, strength, and wisdom for you, too.

Lucy06

well, we are exactely in the same situation. Late June, while we were spending time in France in my family, he went on a binge and started being verbally abusive to me (which he had done before) in front of my parents. Anyway, this all ended up with him threatening to commit suicide in front of our 6 year old boy. This was it for me. He returned to Australia where we live, 1 week before me and during that time, I decided that I would have to end this marriage. Meanwhile, he called me one night and announced that he had realised his drinking was out of control and that he would stop drinking. He then asked me to give the phone to our 6 year old and he promised his own son he would stop drinking.
Well, these resolutions only lasted few weeks. He started drinking again and hiding it. Then one night he opened a bottle of wine and offered me a glass which I refused and he drank his wine in front of me and our son who said:"but you promised you would never drink again". He reassured me that it was OK, because he was still going to his psychiatrist and councellor etc etc and would start intensive therapy soo. But then after another 4 weeks, he cancelled all his doctors appointments and we are back to where we were 6 months ago as far as his drinking is concerned. So for the first time ever, I decided that I would move out with the children (aged 2 and 6). he does not want to leave our family home and that means that I have to find a house for rent in our neighborhood as I don't want my son to have to change schools. it will be difficult but I will get there. I cannot wait to have my own house with my 2 boys and be free of this alcoholic lifestyle and abuse and isolation.
Lucy

Sheelah

My husband has been sober we for 5 years. We got into a pretty heated argument, he left the house very angry and all I could think about was he is gonna drink again!!! He came back home still angry didn't want to talk so I let it go. Next day I told him we needed to talk about this argument. ( His son had been very disrespectful to me yelling and swearing, he is addicted to video games and is bi-polar he self medicates with pot we live in same house). I told him I realize this is sensitive and very uncomfortable fir him. And I don't want this to turn into a him or me situation. He tells me when he left he had almost drank because he was so upset. Now he knows how much time I have spent over the last 20 years worrying stressing and unbelievable anxiety that he will drink. Why would he say that to me!! HELP!!!!

SoloMio

Welcome! Thanks for posting.

Yes, that happens a lot. My AH was sober for 4 years, until a counselor/guru told him that he should be able to have a glass of wine with his steak, and that I was a "controlling person" if I didn't let him do that. She was not educated in alcoholism one bit, which he used to his advantage to get permission to break 4 years of blessed sobriety.

I truly believe that they need to be motivated internally if they are going to be successful. They can't do it for you, or their boss, or their children or anyone else. It has to come from deep inside themselves.

I've also realized that there's a lot of freedom in accepting where they are in their disease, and making my decisions based on that reality.

AnvilheadII

sheelah, this is a 10 year old post.....it would be great if you would post a new thread, just about you! obviously the problems remain, but you deserve a place for your story!

Ileana

You can't control whether he drinks. What you can control is your reaction and response to his manipulation. Don't say it if you can't follow through but if you can; give him a bottom line. What will you do if he drinks. Say it and then leave it alone (don't keep reacting to his manipulation). Just please don't say it if you don't mean it. You loose all credibility.

LexieCat

Hi, Sheelah, and welcome!

I second (or third, or whatever) the idea that you should start your own thread. Otherwise what happens is people will come in, glance at the original (10-year-old) post and respond to that, not to your new post. It happens when folks are reading/replying quickly.

Anyway, I don't know whether he said that to make you feel bad, or whether his own reaction to it maybe scared him and he was just sharing that with you. I don't know him so I can't say. As the others have pointed out, an argument with you isn't going to "cause" him to drink. If that's his reaction, it's an indicator for him that there is something missing from his recovery.

Are you in Al-Anon? If not, I really, really recommend it.