It time to make a change.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
It time to make a change.
Well, my last night was not so good for me, my AH was hardly talking to me and drinking like a fish. He ended up in the basement (his new sports bar) and got tanked. He came up to talk about some settlement money he will be getting and then without a word, just walked out the front door. After about 20 minutes I went to the computer and checked our bank account and sure enough he had taken $60.00 out at the local bar. He was gone for about two hours and then came home eat and went to bed. Staying away from me the entire time. He was still not talking to me this morning.
In the past I would have ran to the bar and try to get him home, I would cry and wring my hands. I would get so angry. Today...... I am just sad. I am tired of what he puts me through and I think I have put enough effort into this relationship. I plan to either talk to him or at leave him a note expressing my need for him to stop drinking and that he has a choice to make. Either he stopps drinking all together and I stay.... or he contiuse to drink and I leave and start a new life for my self. (NO TURNING BACK)
This is where I have to build some back bone because I know he wont choose me. He will tell me all about how he loves me and always has. He will try to guilt me into staying and he will try to manipulate me into staying, but when I do this it has to be for real. Just like when I stopped drinking.
My smoking was killing my lungs and so I gave it up.
My drinking was killing my liver and I gave it up too.
His drinking is killing my soul......
D
PS
Don't feel bad for me. I'm not feeling sad at the moment, just feeling my own feelings for a change.
In the past I would have ran to the bar and try to get him home, I would cry and wring my hands. I would get so angry. Today...... I am just sad. I am tired of what he puts me through and I think I have put enough effort into this relationship. I plan to either talk to him or at leave him a note expressing my need for him to stop drinking and that he has a choice to make. Either he stopps drinking all together and I stay.... or he contiuse to drink and I leave and start a new life for my self. (NO TURNING BACK)
This is where I have to build some back bone because I know he wont choose me. He will tell me all about how he loves me and always has. He will try to guilt me into staying and he will try to manipulate me into staying, but when I do this it has to be for real. Just like when I stopped drinking.
My smoking was killing my lungs and so I gave it up.
My drinking was killing my liver and I gave it up too.
His drinking is killing my soul......
D
PS
Don't feel bad for me. I'm not feeling sad at the moment, just feeling my own feelings for a change.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I remember the first time I changed expected behaviour. Sorta felt like I had a hole in my soul. No feeling at all, I had finally gotten "numb".
So, I figured, as long as I wasn't "feeling" anymore, I might as well make the change.
When I did, BOY was I in for a WORLD of hurt!!! he,he,he
But it was different "pain". One solely directed at my healing and necessary to get to where I am today. Srtonger, healthier and full of hope for the future. WITHOUT the "twisting" that had become all too familiar,,,
What are you doing for you Lost? Now is the time to reach for that support you've been slowly building. It's ALL about YOU now,,
Peace
So, I figured, as long as I wasn't "feeling" anymore, I might as well make the change.
When I did, BOY was I in for a WORLD of hurt!!! he,he,he
But it was different "pain". One solely directed at my healing and necessary to get to where I am today. Srtonger, healthier and full of hope for the future. WITHOUT the "twisting" that had become all too familiar,,,
What are you doing for you Lost? Now is the time to reach for that support you've been slowly building. It's ALL about YOU now,,
Peace
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
CE said it that "Numb" feeling! We can take that and turn it into a positive that we are aware of what is going on around us and keep doing what you are doing and that is do for YOU! CHANGE! No one likes change but when we get through it can be so rewarding!
It is ok to feel sad-it is part of the grieving that we do-
hang in there sweets and start doing more for you!
It is ok to feel sad-it is part of the grieving that we do-
hang in there sweets and start doing more for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
wow..good for you. I can relate so much to how you are feeling...I am currently "leaving." The only difference is that my abf is in rehab, sometimes that's easier, I only have to deal w/ his " i'm changing" and excuses via letters.
but i have the freedom to move on. last week was miserable, nothing but tears, movies & my bed
But this week...wow...even a bad day at work doesn't weigh up against a tough day taking on someone elses addiction. I ordered a couple books today to keep my focus: Codependent no more & women who love too much.
Good Luck! You'll be ok....Better days are comin.
but i have the freedom to move on. last week was miserable, nothing but tears, movies & my bed
But this week...wow...even a bad day at work doesn't weigh up against a tough day taking on someone elses addiction. I ordered a couple books today to keep my focus: Codependent no more & women who love too much.
Good Luck! You'll be ok....Better days are comin.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 68
I am getting to the same point. I know giving him ultimatums won't work, so now it's FINALLY time to concentrate on ME. Took me 10 years to realize this, 4 kids later, but at least for me it HAPPENED, and that's the hardest step of all. Just admitting that I am powerless gets a HUGE monkey off my back.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
I guess this is how I am seeing it. I can't fix it and he doesn't want to, so why am I hear? (in the relationship)
I have the codependent no more and it has helped soooooooo much. Detach, detach, detach. (I'm getting the hang of it)
I have the codependent no more and it has helped soooooooo much. Detach, detach, detach. (I'm getting the hang of it)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Hi lostnfound
sounds like thinks are only getting worse for you. i think you need to make a choice. when i read posts like yours, and the fact that you don't have kids (i think) and the craziness you deal with, how can you stay? bars, gambling, guns, not communicating, i think you deserve better. life is too short. i have found that detatchment is only masking the problem, it doesn't make it go away. if it weren't for my kids, i would have left long ago. just my 2 cents....best of luck to you
sounds like thinks are only getting worse for you. i think you need to make a choice. when i read posts like yours, and the fact that you don't have kids (i think) and the craziness you deal with, how can you stay? bars, gambling, guns, not communicating, i think you deserve better. life is too short. i have found that detatchment is only masking the problem, it doesn't make it go away. if it weren't for my kids, i would have left long ago. just my 2 cents....best of luck to you
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
I come from a real codependent/alcoholic family and so this has been all I know. As a kid I used to cry most every night begging God for just one person that would love me. I grew up thinking that I was such damaged goods that no one could love me and when I met my AH I was willing to walk through fire to keep what love I was getting, didn't matter that it was bad love or hardly any love or not realy love at all but I wanted and needed that love so bad.......
Here is a copy of the letter I have written to him. I have tried to be as honest as I can and even thought I know he wil go nuts on me and blame for everything. At least I know I was honest about it.
Dear *ah*,
This is the hardest choice I have ever had to make, but I need to do this for my own sanity. I need you to make a choice. You either need to stop drinking all together and forever, or I must leave. I’m not saying this to make you mad, though I am sure you are at the moment. The fact is I am an alcoholic and I can’t drink and don’t want to be around it. You are also an alcoholic too but in denial.
When you drink you don’t treat me with respect and that hurts me to the core. You rage at the littlest thing, like the other day when you were throwing tools around and acting like I wasn’t there when I talked to or asked you a question. Later that night you couldn’t understand why I was not happy. You asked if I was mad at you and I said I wasn’t. Well guess what….. I was, but I chose to detach my self from your anger because it was yours and not mine. I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t make it go away and I didn’t feel I should have to deal with it. But if I had confessed to being mad…. It would only start a fight and then I would be pulled right back into it.
You think your drinking doesn’t hurt anyone but it does. When you drink you stop caring about anyone or anything. When I am upset about something and need to talk about it, you always defend what ever or who ever I am upset with, never me. You don’t even try to see things through my eyes. That is one of the reasons I have kept my feeling to my self for so long. It makes me feel like you hate me and think I am dumbest person on earth. As if my feelings are not CORRECT.
When you drink you stop taking care of your self. You wear dirty cloths and don’t bother to brush your teeth and shower before bed, then expect me to want to French kiss you or go down on you. I have told you many times how important it is to me but because it isn’t to you, you think it shouldn’t be for me.
When we renewed our vows, we made some promises to each other and I feel like you have broken all of yours. Maybe you feel justified but what you are doing is the same things that hurt me before. You say you love me and always have, but I don’t feel it. I feel your contempt, I feel your anger, I feel you constantly trying to control my thoughts feelings and actions, but I don’t feel your love.
I spend so much time wrapped up in your alcoholism that I have given up my since of self. It was easy when I was drinking because I didn’t care about anything back then. I didn’t care about you, me, my brother or the businesses. I just cared about getting my buzz and going to that place where the drunk mined goes. That alternate reality that says do what ever you want because you’re only hurting your self, but I don’t drink anymore. My head is clear and I can feel again. You said you didn’t like me taking the antidepressants because they made me not feel….. Well the alcohol does the same thing to you except you get to keep the rage.
I don’t want to hurt you Dave, It kills me that I have, but it also kills me deep inside that you don’t think I have felt any real pain, you are in such denial that you think we were doing great, even though I was drunk and crying all the time, and we were angry and raging at each other. You can’t see what’s real because your head is clouded and can only see flashes of your life as it goes by.
I’m drawing a line in the sand and making a stand. You have a choice to make and what you choose has permanent consequences so think real hard before you answer.
D
Here is a copy of the letter I have written to him. I have tried to be as honest as I can and even thought I know he wil go nuts on me and blame for everything. At least I know I was honest about it.
Dear *ah*,
This is the hardest choice I have ever had to make, but I need to do this for my own sanity. I need you to make a choice. You either need to stop drinking all together and forever, or I must leave. I’m not saying this to make you mad, though I am sure you are at the moment. The fact is I am an alcoholic and I can’t drink and don’t want to be around it. You are also an alcoholic too but in denial.
When you drink you don’t treat me with respect and that hurts me to the core. You rage at the littlest thing, like the other day when you were throwing tools around and acting like I wasn’t there when I talked to or asked you a question. Later that night you couldn’t understand why I was not happy. You asked if I was mad at you and I said I wasn’t. Well guess what….. I was, but I chose to detach my self from your anger because it was yours and not mine. I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t make it go away and I didn’t feel I should have to deal with it. But if I had confessed to being mad…. It would only start a fight and then I would be pulled right back into it.
You think your drinking doesn’t hurt anyone but it does. When you drink you stop caring about anyone or anything. When I am upset about something and need to talk about it, you always defend what ever or who ever I am upset with, never me. You don’t even try to see things through my eyes. That is one of the reasons I have kept my feeling to my self for so long. It makes me feel like you hate me and think I am dumbest person on earth. As if my feelings are not CORRECT.
When you drink you stop taking care of your self. You wear dirty cloths and don’t bother to brush your teeth and shower before bed, then expect me to want to French kiss you or go down on you. I have told you many times how important it is to me but because it isn’t to you, you think it shouldn’t be for me.
When we renewed our vows, we made some promises to each other and I feel like you have broken all of yours. Maybe you feel justified but what you are doing is the same things that hurt me before. You say you love me and always have, but I don’t feel it. I feel your contempt, I feel your anger, I feel you constantly trying to control my thoughts feelings and actions, but I don’t feel your love.
I spend so much time wrapped up in your alcoholism that I have given up my since of self. It was easy when I was drinking because I didn’t care about anything back then. I didn’t care about you, me, my brother or the businesses. I just cared about getting my buzz and going to that place where the drunk mined goes. That alternate reality that says do what ever you want because you’re only hurting your self, but I don’t drink anymore. My head is clear and I can feel again. You said you didn’t like me taking the antidepressants because they made me not feel….. Well the alcohol does the same thing to you except you get to keep the rage.
I don’t want to hurt you Dave, It kills me that I have, but it also kills me deep inside that you don’t think I have felt any real pain, you are in such denial that you think we were doing great, even though I was drunk and crying all the time, and we were angry and raging at each other. You can’t see what’s real because your head is clouded and can only see flashes of your life as it goes by.
I’m drawing a line in the sand and making a stand. You have a choice to make and what you choose has permanent consequences so think real hard before you answer.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
I don't post much on here but I lurk alot. I actually told my AH last night that I just can't live like this any more. His response "well, I'll cut back". For the first time in 12 years I said "no, that's still not going to work because in 6 months we'll be sitting here having the same conversation". As of right now, he's not speaking to me. I've been trying to make plans for being alone. My hardship is I can't leave because my mother (who is 76) lives in an apartment attached to our garage AND I have 7 cats and 2 dogs. Where would I go? I feel so stuck so I can relate to how you feel. Thank goodness for Prozac. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
lostandfound,
Hugs to you, and hopes that whatever happens, it will lead you to a life where you feel loved, respected, listened-to, and protected.
It doesn't sound like you have that now, and you deserve it. We only get one time around...it makes no sense to "settle". It took a long time for me to believe (also an adult child of alcoholic/addicts) that finding someone who loved me for me WASN'T as rare as being struck by lightning, as I'd always thought it would be.
There are others out there who will love you well and honorably, if your husband chooses not to be that man. I swear there are.
Love and hugs to you in this tough time
GL
Hugs to you, and hopes that whatever happens, it will lead you to a life where you feel loved, respected, listened-to, and protected.
It doesn't sound like you have that now, and you deserve it. We only get one time around...it makes no sense to "settle". It took a long time for me to believe (also an adult child of alcoholic/addicts) that finding someone who loved me for me WASN'T as rare as being struck by lightning, as I'd always thought it would be.
There are others out there who will love you well and honorably, if your husband chooses not to be that man. I swear there are.
Love and hugs to you in this tough time
GL
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
