dazednconfuse

Well, my AH finally moved out this weekend. Its been over a month since we made the decision that he needed to move out, but travel schedules didn't permit him to leave until now. Never did I think it was going to be so hard to watch him pack his things and leave. And neither did he - we found ourselves in tears multiple times over the three days he moved. It broke my heart to see him cry. I know I did the right thing by asking him to leave - he even told me so - said "its now or never" for him to get clean. Honestly, I'm still not convinced its "now," but hope to God I'm wrong.

He left under the impression that I'll be filing for divorce, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I still have this nagging, probably unreasonable hope that he'll hit bottom soon and get clean. Today I saw glimmers of his old, clean self in his eyes, and I can't get that wonderful person out of my head. HE'S IN THERE AND I CAN'T GET TO HIM. I've never been through something as painful as addiction - as the loved ones, we're helpless. We have no control and minimal influence. Its a horrible feeling.

How will I know when its time to file for divorce and move on? Will I just know when I'm ready? I don't want to give up on him because I believe he can get clean if he truly wants to, but I also don't want to invest any more time in a relationship plagued by deceit, mistrust and heartache. If a friend came to me in this exact situation, I'd tell her to run for the hills and not look back. So why can't I just make a clean break and start over? Why is this so hard?

Wascally Wabbit

Yes, if indeed a divorce is what you truly want, you will wake up one day and know it in your soul.

No one can tell you when that moment comes.
And, who knows, maybe he will come clean. But even if he does, you still need to work on your own program so you won't feel out of control of yourself.
I hope things work out for you.

CatsPajamas

You'll know when you know. You'll know if/when you realize you have done everything humanly possible to save your marriage. You'll know if/when the realization hits you that your life is totally complete without him. And IF that happens, it will be an AHA moment for you, after you've worked on yourself and your own program of recovery. If there's no rush to make a decision, then take the time you need to settle into this new and different living arrangement. It's a great time to learn more about setting and maintaining boundaries. It's a good time to disentangle - and to learn what YOU like and don't like, etc.

Have you attended any Al Anon meetings ? They sure helped me to figure things out. Honestly, Al Anon saved my life.

Big hugs... you're among friends here.

Cats

lil516

"why is it so hard"

It's hard because you love him...
the right thing to do is not always the easy thing to do...

my heart goes out to you
our situations are different (my addict is my son) so I know I'll never have to make the decision you are facing...

I understand that feeling when you "see" the person briefly in their eyes....

please take care of yourself...
you will know what to do as life unfolds...

just know you will often do things that feel right but don't feel easy...

you are in my prayers....

rozied

As everyone has said its hard because you are emotionally involved you still have feelings for him.
As far as knowing if & when you should file for divorce. Theres no hurry. Being physically separated is a big step & if thats all you want to do now then wait for awhile. As Ann said when its time you'll know it.

Be very good to yourself now & treat yourself gently.
Love,
Diane

hope213

((((( dazed)))) prayers for u both.

dazednconfuse

Thank you so much for all of your posts. My mom always says "when in doubt, don't", so I'll likely take your advice: adjust to the separation first and see where that takes me. Many thanks and prayers to you all!