He's reached another milestone!
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
He's reached another milestone!
Well, XAH hit another milestone yesterday. When he took the kids (He takes them for about 3 hours a week, even though we ahve joint custody and he lives 20 minutes away) he brought them to his "friend's" store. While the kids were there, XAH kissed the "friend" on the lips, romantically.
Bear in mind, he just left the family in mid April. He sees the kids for just the few hours, and often blows it off. The kids and I had to move in with my folks. Now the kids got hit with this. To top it off, the woman is best friend's with XAH's sister in law, who he left the family to live with, and who my daughter hates. A lot to pile on kids in four months.
As far as I'm concerned, I know he's been cheating since way before he actually left, and I feel bad for the new girlfriend because she has no idea of what she's getting into. But I truly don't care what he does and with whom. But my kids are upset, particularly my daughter. She is disgusted that he couldn't hide his relationship for a while instead of throwing it in their faces (In her words, "he could've given us more than four months!") and she has a lot of fear about the future, as in having dad and girlfriend behave inappropriately in front of them and having dad bring girlfriend along during visits. (Both are real possibilities.) Both kids are still struggling to have the courage to speak up to their dad when he behaves inappropriately for fear he'll abandon them further. My son just overlooks the behaviors to gain dad's approval, which he never had at home.
I'm geting my daughter into counselling at school, because I just can't help her any more. I understand how she feels about her dad, and do my best to help her cope, but it's tough for me to keep my anger at the way he treats the kids in check. So I have to let it go and find help she can really use.
Just wanted to vent. Amazing how he manages to find a new inappropriate thing to do just when the waters get calm. Gotta give tha addiction credit for doing a thorough job of removing all his boudaries!
Bear in mind, he just left the family in mid April. He sees the kids for just the few hours, and often blows it off. The kids and I had to move in with my folks. Now the kids got hit with this. To top it off, the woman is best friend's with XAH's sister in law, who he left the family to live with, and who my daughter hates. A lot to pile on kids in four months.
As far as I'm concerned, I know he's been cheating since way before he actually left, and I feel bad for the new girlfriend because she has no idea of what she's getting into. But I truly don't care what he does and with whom. But my kids are upset, particularly my daughter. She is disgusted that he couldn't hide his relationship for a while instead of throwing it in their faces (In her words, "he could've given us more than four months!") and she has a lot of fear about the future, as in having dad and girlfriend behave inappropriately in front of them and having dad bring girlfriend along during visits. (Both are real possibilities.) Both kids are still struggling to have the courage to speak up to their dad when he behaves inappropriately for fear he'll abandon them further. My son just overlooks the behaviors to gain dad's approval, which he never had at home.
I'm geting my daughter into counselling at school, because I just can't help her any more. I understand how she feels about her dad, and do my best to help her cope, but it's tough for me to keep my anger at the way he treats the kids in check. So I have to let it go and find help she can really use.
Just wanted to vent. Amazing how he manages to find a new inappropriate thing to do just when the waters get calm. Gotta give tha addiction credit for doing a thorough job of removing all his boudaries!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
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I do believe that a person’s character has more to do with their actions than anything else does. Behaviors and everything that goes with it including the choices they make.
Have you thought about Alanon for your daughter?
Have you thought about Alanon for your daughter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
I agree with you there, Mr Christian. My x has issues far beyond his addiction and has difficulty with social skills and boundaries sober or not. (He was raised by wolves. His family makes the Jerry Springer panel look like the Cleavers.) He is also very skilled at imitating appropriate behavior when he needs to, or when it will benefit him. It's all about him. Yup. He has the capability of making appropriate choices and generally opts not to.
I have been to alot of alanon meetings and discussed Julie's problems there. The general opinion is that, because she is very shy and just starting to be able to discuss her dad honestly, the group format would probably overwhelm her. I'm hoping that if she works with our school psychologist (I work at the same school and know the psych., who is awesome) she might get to a point where she'd benefit from a meeting.
I have been to alot of alanon meetings and discussed Julie's problems there. The general opinion is that, because she is very shy and just starting to be able to discuss her dad honestly, the group format would probably overwhelm her. I'm hoping that if she works with our school psychologist (I work at the same school and know the psych., who is awesome) she might get to a point where she'd benefit from a meeting.
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My ex was sleeping with the neighbor about 20 minutes after I left. ASfter buying and losing 2 houses and a truck rental business (not to mention lot's of Meth) he and her ran off Oregon. She talks to my youngest duaghter maybe once a week. She hasn't seen the youngest for 9 months, and the oldest for almost 2 years.
She's not an alcoholic, but has some sort of -ism.
My point is 1- I can relate. I know what you're going through and empathize with you. And 2 - They do crazy stuff when they're in their disease. Don't be surprised by anything.
Are you in recovery yourself ? My 12 step program changed my life by changing ME.
She's not an alcoholic, but has some sort of -ism.
My point is 1- I can relate. I know what you're going through and empathize with you. And 2 - They do crazy stuff when they're in their disease. Don't be surprised by anything.
Are you in recovery yourself ? My 12 step program changed my life by changing ME.
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Thanks, Glass! It's nice to hear from people who have had similar experience. How are your kids dealing?
Yes, I'm a work in progress in recovery. I've come a long way, but have miles to go before I sleep.
Yes, I'm a work in progress in recovery. I've come a long way, but have miles to go before I sleep.
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Location: Arlington, VA
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I'm sorry your kids are having to go thru this, especially him acting so inappropriately in front of them. But kids are amazingly resilient. They can indeed come out whole. Getting into therapy is a good step.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
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but it's tough for me to keep my anger at the way he treats the kids in check.
OMG. I can totally understand how you get feeling angry. I started feeling angry when I read your post. The man can't even give three hours of healthy quality time with his kids in a week!
It's sad though. It's telling of how sick he really is and what low self-esteem he must have if he can't function on his own without an enabler long enough to see his kids for a few hours. What he does on his time is his business, but personally, and this is just me, but I find the message he's sending to the kids morally objectionable.
I don't know how the legalities work but do you have legal recourse if the visitations get worse for the kids? Can he be asked by the courts to submit to a psychic evaluation? Maybe he needs supervised visitations.
OMG. I can totally understand how you get feeling angry. I started feeling angry when I read your post. The man can't even give three hours of healthy quality time with his kids in a week!
It's sad though. It's telling of how sick he really is and what low self-esteem he must have if he can't function on his own without an enabler long enough to see his kids for a few hours. What he does on his time is his business, but personally, and this is just me, but I find the message he's sending to the kids morally objectionable.
I don't know how the legalities work but do you have legal recourse if the visitations get worse for the kids? Can he be asked by the courts to submit to a psychic evaluation? Maybe he needs supervised visitations.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Jude,
You're a good mom to worry about your kids' mental health. (Mine sure didn't)
If it seems as though your daughter might be getting worse, you might consider finding a good family therapist that she -- or all of you -- can go to and talk things through. It sounds like she is too young to realize that most important of life-lessons: people can be idiots, even your own father.
How do you address this when you talk it through with her? Do you think she's too young to hear what you just told us -- that her dad just isn't always bright enough to act properly? Is she so disgusted that she doesn't want to see him? Does she get to NOT see him if she is? These were the things I wondered....as one who would've LOVED to have a mom as caring as you...
GL
You're a good mom to worry about your kids' mental health. (Mine sure didn't)
If it seems as though your daughter might be getting worse, you might consider finding a good family therapist that she -- or all of you -- can go to and talk things through. It sounds like she is too young to realize that most important of life-lessons: people can be idiots, even your own father.
How do you address this when you talk it through with her? Do you think she's too young to hear what you just told us -- that her dad just isn't always bright enough to act properly? Is she so disgusted that she doesn't want to see him? Does she get to NOT see him if she is? These were the things I wondered....as one who would've LOVED to have a mom as caring as you...
GL
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Thanks, guys, for the kind words which always feel good!
When I talk to Julie (13) about her dad, I try to remind her that he has a disease and isn't able to make good choices. I also am very honest about Dad being self centered ~ that he makes his choices based on his wants and needs, he isn't capable of basing choices on the wants and needs of others, and that usually the "appropriate" choice doesn't occur to him. And I tell her that is the reason we split up in a nutshell. She knows she has the right not to see him if she chooses (I had the custody arrangement written as such), but she still loves him, of course, and doesn't want to push him away for risk of losing him completely. (Again, I try to explain to her that dad's behavior has nothing to do with her).
She is also "getting" it about her dad, in that she is already concerned about things he might do in the future. (Such as sending the kids off to the store with money while he has sex with his new girlfriend during visitation.) Unfortunately, she is right on track, as he is liable to do anything.
It will be tough (but not impossible) for me to get him to have supervised visitations until/unless something substantial happens My lawyer is building a file for us to use if it comes to that. She feels he will quickly lose interest in the kids and walk away without having to take that step (and he's on that track ~ planning to move out of state "for the winter") but we are gathering evidence and a paper trail to bring to court. He never even insisted on a visitation schedule, which doesn't win him any dad awards with the court to begin with.
Yes, I think we might all end up at a family therapist (me and the kids, that is.) I'll have a better feel after Julie talks to the psychologist.
At this point he isn't living in a place where the kids are allowed to visit (long story), so his opportunities for the above scenario are limited. But obviously she finds his behavior disturbing enough to make her think it could happen.
You know, I still have the "I made my bed " mentality about my relationship with XAH. I don't give a hoot what he does with who, because I know the script before the previews are over. But I can't accept/detach/let go when it comes to idiotic behavior in front of the kids. Logically I know his disease knows no boundaries, but when it comes to kids it just plain gets me mad enough to spit.
When I talk to Julie (13) about her dad, I try to remind her that he has a disease and isn't able to make good choices. I also am very honest about Dad being self centered ~ that he makes his choices based on his wants and needs, he isn't capable of basing choices on the wants and needs of others, and that usually the "appropriate" choice doesn't occur to him. And I tell her that is the reason we split up in a nutshell. She knows she has the right not to see him if she chooses (I had the custody arrangement written as such), but she still loves him, of course, and doesn't want to push him away for risk of losing him completely. (Again, I try to explain to her that dad's behavior has nothing to do with her).
She is also "getting" it about her dad, in that she is already concerned about things he might do in the future. (Such as sending the kids off to the store with money while he has sex with his new girlfriend during visitation.) Unfortunately, she is right on track, as he is liable to do anything.
It will be tough (but not impossible) for me to get him to have supervised visitations until/unless something substantial happens My lawyer is building a file for us to use if it comes to that. She feels he will quickly lose interest in the kids and walk away without having to take that step (and he's on that track ~ planning to move out of state "for the winter") but we are gathering evidence and a paper trail to bring to court. He never even insisted on a visitation schedule, which doesn't win him any dad awards with the court to begin with.
Yes, I think we might all end up at a family therapist (me and the kids, that is.) I'll have a better feel after Julie talks to the psychologist.
At this point he isn't living in a place where the kids are allowed to visit (long story), so his opportunities for the above scenario are limited. But obviously she finds his behavior disturbing enough to make her think it could happen.
You know, I still have the "I made my bed " mentality about my relationship with XAH. I don't give a hoot what he does with who, because I know the script before the previews are over. But I can't accept/detach/let go when it comes to idiotic behavior in front of the kids. Logically I know his disease knows no boundaries, but when it comes to kids it just plain gets me mad enough to spit.
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