breaking point

When I posted a thing yesterday the biggest reply I got from eveyone was to go to alanon. There is no way he would ever go to one. He doesn't recognise the problem he has as he can go 4 ages without drinking but when he starts he cant stop. Wont I look like a turd turning up to one even though I'm not the one with the drinking problem?

breaking point

Sorry again but whilst waiting for a reply I went on the sticky thing you told me to go on and took the self test tihing. I ticked 19 boxes. Thinking back to times in our relationship and I even decided not to tick them if they've only happened once. The only one I didn't tick was the one about being in a car with him. But I've only just bought my first car and have the keys on me at all times. He doesn't even know where it's parked yet. He doesn't drive either. He's 26 and he doesn't drive. I'm only 21 and I've struggled but I'm there!! But when he gets paid he divides up the money. He gives me £20 to cover food and the credit card and keeps back bills and rent and any other expenses he forsees for the week then whats left over is drinking money. He's in controll of his finances to such an extent that it's hard to talk to anyone who knows him about the problem.
Ticking this box really tore me to pieces:

16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?

Because he's always told me that I WON'T controll him and that by trying to "tell him what to do or what not to do" will drive him to do or not do what I want or don't want if that makes any sence? But I cant just sit back and watch him do this to us. What the hell am I supposed to do!!

ICU

breaking point: Alanon is for people affected by 'other peoples' drinking. For example, are you having issues with 'his' drinking? If yes, and it sounds like you do, then Alanon is a place for you to go to get assistance and be among others who have issues with people in their lives that are drinking.

AA is for the alcoholic to go to, hopefully to begin their journey of sobriety....here's the key though...when 'they' are ready....not when 'you' are!

breaking point: Two things: try some Alanon meetings and I'd like to suggest reading some books by Melody Beattie...'Codependency No More', then 'Beyond Codependency' and one of my favorites 'The Language of Letting Go'. In conjuction with Alanon, these books will hopefully shed some light on how to learn to let go of your need to control (speaking from one controlling person to another). These books helped me to see that 'his drinking' was certainly NOT my only problem. Although I have come a very long way, I still have my moments and my issues that I need to continuously focus on to get to a better place in my life.

breaking point: Before I began my own journey in recovery, I most definitely would have answered 'yes' to that one. Now I don't because I realize that 'his actions', 'his choices' are just that....'his'....not mine! I am only responsible for me.

Hope that clears a few things up for you. Just know that I do understand your frusration and your concerns. I could have written your post a few years ago! Keep coming back.

P.S. No, you don't sound stupid at all....just very frustrated, and understandably so!

denny57

No, you're not a stupid turd - though I know I felt like one many a time. ((()))

I remember the control manipulation. I cannot say how many times I heard it: you will not control me. Of course, to prove what a wonderful wife I was I ended up letting him do whatever he pleased, including one night stands, to show how non-controlling I was. Talk about manipulation. My turdness was remarkable.