rosie323

Hi Everyone - it has been a long time since I posted. I really need your advice. Basically about 3 months back I was on a break with my significant other - he reached out to me asking for help after drinking for 5 days straight. He said that me being so detached really was the turning point that he really wanted to fix his problem. For the next few months, we put a plan together that consisted of AA, therapy, retreats, etc - they did make a difference - he was committed, had slips, but were small - and was also a very different person to me, a very loving caring man. Wanted to make things work with us, so worked on the things that would bother me. The weekend of July 4th, I sent him for 3 days to this man who does private retreats to help with addictions, understanding core issues, etc...that weekend totally changed him! He came back saying all these things about needing to put boundaries in his relationships including me - he had this hardness about him. He no longer wanted to talk about his problem. He just shut me out of it and said that he doesn't need to share anything about that with me!

I was not going to ride this roller-coaster of volatility with him again, so I told him that I just want us to be casual friends and this isn't for me. Since then, that is what we have been. We talk on the phone (is very surface conversation) but if I see him which is rare, I feel the same level of comfort with him and he acts the same with me, as though things have never changed.

My confusion is this - I was at a wedding last weekend and saw him drinking a few beers. That is all he had that night since we left at the same time and I saw him at the brunch the next morning. Does this mean, he can now be a normal social drinker? He seems happy and no longer this weak insecure man (he no longer goes to AA, therapy or anything) - he still has this hardness that he developed after this retreat, where if he doesn't want to do something or talk about something he won't. What is going on though? I still care for him, I know I did the best thing for me to distance myself - but I want to know what all this is -is he drinking? He doesn't think he has a problem anymore. I feel like he doesn't have the same fall offs anymore - he maybe drinking but in small amounts, does this mean he will go back to drinking heavily. He no longer reaches out to me in those times - can he be cured suddenly and be a social drinker? What is with this hardness? How could he spend the last 3 months trying to have a relationship with me and then after the retreat all those feelings don't matter anymore!!! Any thoughts?? All the emotional disconnection issues of drinking, being selfish, etc all still seem to be there - just don't get what all this means

guineapigjude

Um, I'm no expert but I suspect he's drinking again, and it's easier for him to detach from you and your expectations so he can continue to drink.
If you can, try focusing on yourself. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to analyze what can't be explained logically. Nothing about alcoholism is logical. You can turn your attention to yourself ~ what you want, who you want to be, and who you want to be with. Also, decide whether he is the person you think he is, or whether you created him in your own mind. Tough enough to live up to someone else's expectations when you're sober, darn near impossible when you aren't.

MsGolightly

my ex now drinks sporadically... it's not every day, sometimes not even every week, but she still drinks. i don't think alcoholics can become social drinkers and drink moderately. since my ex still drinks, even if it's less than she used to, i would still consider her to be "drinking." in my opinion, i'd say yes, heavier drinking may be in store.

good_luck

I would guess that now that your relationship is more casual, you just aren't going to see the sadder/uglier side of things. I know that a lot of people didn't with my XABF, even though I had the honor.

ICU

My sister is an alcoholic and she didn't go to AA or anything like that. Instead she went to a psychiatrist who suggested that in time, there was a possibility she could learn how to drink socially again. Of course, this came from my sister's mouth, so one has to truly consider the source. But if he indeed did say that, it certainly made me question his ability to help her.

I've learned, in hindsight of course, not try and figure out what an active alcoholic is thinking or what his reasoning is. I had to learn how to let it go and concentrate and fix what I could...me.

I know that doesn't answer your questions, and I'm sorry about that. You just might want to ask yourself how much more of your life are you willing to give up trying to figure him out. And, could your time be put to better use?

denny57

Detachment is not ignoring someone or something until they "see the light" at which point I jump right back in to solve their problem. It is, amongst other things, letting others do for themselves. The only real change in me came when I took on full responsibility for my own life. I have to believe it's the same for an addict.

Barbara52

The hardness could be him trying to push you away because you are interfering with his enjoying drinking.

Whatever his reasons are, your question should be what do you want for yourself?