lots of issues
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
lots of issues
okay, been a while...I left you where I had broken up with abf and was having ...PEACE.
okay, my kids came and went. My daughter was clean and sober the whole time--3 weeks-- she was here, which was the longest stretch for her in ages. I still can't say whether she is an addict or not, or where she is at. I do know that her drug use disturbs me and worries me, but you know, she lives thousands of miles away and that means she really is out of my sphere of influence.
abf came back into my life...I told him that I didn't want to have anything to do with his drinking or drugs, that if he was doing that **** I wasn't going to have anything to do with him. I stupidly slept with him when he was in a sweet sober moment, all those dreams and hopes came crashing back into my head. He had 20 hours worth of substance abuse counseling while in jail and was convinced he had, at any rate, managed to stop using drugs. Believe me, I was not that much of a chump that I believed it, but I thought that it meant he was on the right track...
you can all easily guess -- things went to sh*t within 48 hours, and I was angry, heartbroken and all that. I knew that sex was going to make me attached and emotional and there I was, proving to myself that exactly that was happening...
So then...I just waited and he of course did the usual, promised to come by and visit, stopped at a bar on the way over and the next thing I know it is 3AM and he is calling to beg me to come and get him at the crack house and let him sleep it all off at my place.
and I said "NO" and I did not do it, I didn't get him, I didn't give him shelter, I didn't feel guilty about it. And I knew he would call me and give me the "you abandoned me in my hour of need" lecture and tell me not to contact him again. and when he did I just said "okay" and hung up the phone.
Cripes, at this point I only want him if he is clean and sober and as far as I am concerned if he isn't then there is no point, so I really do not care about his psychological black mail crap.
NOW, in the meantime I figure I better get my rear to some meetings. I went to a good one tonight and saw that new book that talks about grief and loss, of all kinds, not just death. and I thought: loss of my dreams -- meet a man, fall in love, and I get all these expectations and dreams and hopes and fantasies going and then I am just freeking angry and broken hearted because I have lost those things and I can't accept it, I can't let it go, can't just let myself grieve for those losses and move on, can't believe that the whole myth of love conquers all and finding the right person makes things work and if you have love you can make the whole thing run around, and it just seems like love is the thing that got me into this and love is the thing that betrayed me all because my fantasy version of what is supposed to happen when two people meet and love each other is very, very different from what actually happened. (in this case, of course it works for some).
On top of that I went to an open AA meeting with the hope that I would gain some tiny bit of understanding and compassion for the people struggling with the disease. But instead I just looked at them and felt ANGRY. All i could think of was all the people around them they have hurt, that they are still self-centered, and still glorifying their drinking and drug use, and that listening to their stories was just basically boring, I mean drunkalogues are soooooo not interesting, and I just sit there wondering why the heck does it take them so long to realize that the problem is that they are drinking and using drugs.
YOU KNOW, why can't everyone just operate with my form of logic....
I actually said the other day, "I just wish I could find someone who thinks just like me, but is a guy, and then get together with him." I mean, if I could find the male version of myself then wouldn't I end up with a great relationship??? HA HA HA HA
My oh my, live and learn. Can't wait for the day when this is all in the past and I sit around feeling like whatever I went through was worth it . . . although, really I still think I could have lived just fine without ever getting involved with an addict/alcoholic.
Thanks guys
okay, my kids came and went. My daughter was clean and sober the whole time--3 weeks-- she was here, which was the longest stretch for her in ages. I still can't say whether she is an addict or not, or where she is at. I do know that her drug use disturbs me and worries me, but you know, she lives thousands of miles away and that means she really is out of my sphere of influence.
abf came back into my life...I told him that I didn't want to have anything to do with his drinking or drugs, that if he was doing that **** I wasn't going to have anything to do with him. I stupidly slept with him when he was in a sweet sober moment, all those dreams and hopes came crashing back into my head. He had 20 hours worth of substance abuse counseling while in jail and was convinced he had, at any rate, managed to stop using drugs. Believe me, I was not that much of a chump that I believed it, but I thought that it meant he was on the right track...
you can all easily guess -- things went to sh*t within 48 hours, and I was angry, heartbroken and all that. I knew that sex was going to make me attached and emotional and there I was, proving to myself that exactly that was happening...
So then...I just waited and he of course did the usual, promised to come by and visit, stopped at a bar on the way over and the next thing I know it is 3AM and he is calling to beg me to come and get him at the crack house and let him sleep it all off at my place.
and I said "NO" and I did not do it, I didn't get him, I didn't give him shelter, I didn't feel guilty about it. And I knew he would call me and give me the "you abandoned me in my hour of need" lecture and tell me not to contact him again. and when he did I just said "okay" and hung up the phone.
Cripes, at this point I only want him if he is clean and sober and as far as I am concerned if he isn't then there is no point, so I really do not care about his psychological black mail crap.
NOW, in the meantime I figure I better get my rear to some meetings. I went to a good one tonight and saw that new book that talks about grief and loss, of all kinds, not just death. and I thought: loss of my dreams -- meet a man, fall in love, and I get all these expectations and dreams and hopes and fantasies going and then I am just freeking angry and broken hearted because I have lost those things and I can't accept it, I can't let it go, can't just let myself grieve for those losses and move on, can't believe that the whole myth of love conquers all and finding the right person makes things work and if you have love you can make the whole thing run around, and it just seems like love is the thing that got me into this and love is the thing that betrayed me all because my fantasy version of what is supposed to happen when two people meet and love each other is very, very different from what actually happened. (in this case, of course it works for some).
On top of that I went to an open AA meeting with the hope that I would gain some tiny bit of understanding and compassion for the people struggling with the disease. But instead I just looked at them and felt ANGRY. All i could think of was all the people around them they have hurt, that they are still self-centered, and still glorifying their drinking and drug use, and that listening to their stories was just basically boring, I mean drunkalogues are soooooo not interesting, and I just sit there wondering why the heck does it take them so long to realize that the problem is that they are drinking and using drugs.
YOU KNOW, why can't everyone just operate with my form of logic....
I actually said the other day, "I just wish I could find someone who thinks just like me, but is a guy, and then get together with him." I mean, if I could find the male version of myself then wouldn't I end up with a great relationship??? HA HA HA HA
My oh my, live and learn. Can't wait for the day when this is all in the past and I sit around feeling like whatever I went through was worth it . . . although, really I still think I could have lived just fine without ever getting involved with an addict/alcoholic.
Thanks guys
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Wow...I was pretty engrossed in your update...thinking, no please, don't take him back....make him give you at least a year clean before you give him the time of day...and then i got to this part and cheered for your recovery
And then I got to this part....
And I gave your recovery a standing ovation!
Recovery doesn't mean our life becomes the dream we want, but it does help us to live it as it really is and to get back up and shine when life slaps us a bit.
I think the anger is part of the grief. Sometimes I think in some ways grieving for a loved one who died is easier than grieving for a lost love still alive. We can no longer control it or try to control it when the person dies...but in life, that dream of what might have been or what we wanted that love to be can so easily pop back up again and reopen the helaing wounds. Unfortunately love can not conquer all, but loving ourselves enough to work hard to heal can open the door to new and better things. Hugs.
and I said "NO" and I did not do it, I didn't get him, I didn't give him shelter, I didn't feel guilty about it. And I knew he would call me and give me the "you abandoned me in my hour of need" lecture and tell me not to contact him again. and when he did I just said "okay" and hung up the phone.
NOW, in the meantime I figure I better get my rear to some meetings. I went to a good one tonight
Recovery doesn't mean our life becomes the dream we want, but it does help us to live it as it really is and to get back up and shine when life slaps us a bit.
I think the anger is part of the grief. Sometimes I think in some ways grieving for a loved one who died is easier than grieving for a lost love still alive. We can no longer control it or try to control it when the person dies...but in life, that dream of what might have been or what we wanted that love to be can so easily pop back up again and reopen the helaing wounds. Unfortunately love can not conquer all, but loving ourselves enough to work hard to heal can open the door to new and better things. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I know exactly what you mean about grieving those who are not necessarily dead... I went through a period with my sister where I was doing just that. I was so convinced that she was a gonner, and if she didn't die that day it would be very soon (understand her doc was heroin, and she was driving an average of over 130 erratic miles a day while high, on little sleep, and lord knows what else to get her fixes), so I did go through a sort of grieving. I even wrote her a long letter, telling her goodbye, because it was all I could do at that moment to try to feel closure and have some sense of sanity in my life (I was not going to meetings at the time). The good news is that I was pleasantly surprised. She made it through rehab and has done very well lately, something along 80 days sober, I think. Of course, mom and dad think she has used during that time, but I'm not sure and I'm not going to waste one minute of my energy trying to figure it out. If she comes to me for help, I'll help her, but until then, what good would it do anyone for me to know for sure?
Anyways, my point in posting this was to let you know that I can relate to some points in your journey, and I am so proud of you for coming as far as you have in your own recovery. It takes a lot to be able to stand up to someone you care about and tell them that you are not helping them, even if they want help harming themselves, because often they are so good at lying about what they want help with...
Keep up the great work, and if this doesn't pan out, Mr. Right is out there somewhere, probably looking for you.
Anyways, my point in posting this was to let you know that I can relate to some points in your journey, and I am so proud of you for coming as far as you have in your own recovery. It takes a lot to be able to stand up to someone you care about and tell them that you are not helping them, even if they want help harming themselves, because often they are so good at lying about what they want help with...
Keep up the great work, and if this doesn't pan out, Mr. Right is out there somewhere, probably looking for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
one other thing -- around the corner from that AA meeting I went to I discovered a cafe that is open until 10 PM and has a scrabble night!!!! Here I have been wanting to find a place to socialize that I would feel comfortable about, what a combo--I love playing scrabble and I love cafes.
so if I meet the love of my life -- a sober scrabble player -- I guess I get to say that AA changed my life!
so if I meet the love of my life -- a sober scrabble player -- I guess I get to say that AA changed my life!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Oneeye,
Good to hear your voice, even though it was saying things that wigged me out (I felt like greeteachday....ahhhh! noooo! oh...thank goodness...)
I'm sorry you had to go through this but I am amazed and proud that you are now standing on the other side of this relapse and sounding so strong. Sometimes that's the only way to drive the lesson home...even though it hurts like heck.
You are walking in the right directions now, and you know what you want, and you obviously know what you like to do and have found another way to "get out there"....keep on that track, adding things that you love, that please you, that make you feel like you. I also added lectures at the natural history museum (I met some really super people sipping coffee in the lobby...) and going to interesting classes at the local continuing ed college (sober SMART people, holy cow!)
Gosh, I wish WE had a scrabble cafe nearby...the nearest one is like an hour away
Hugs, and welcome back from he||. We love you.
GL
Good to hear your voice, even though it was saying things that wigged me out (I felt like greeteachday....ahhhh! noooo! oh...thank goodness...)
I'm sorry you had to go through this but I am amazed and proud that you are now standing on the other side of this relapse and sounding so strong. Sometimes that's the only way to drive the lesson home...even though it hurts like heck.
You are walking in the right directions now, and you know what you want, and you obviously know what you like to do and have found another way to "get out there"....keep on that track, adding things that you love, that please you, that make you feel like you. I also added lectures at the natural history museum (I met some really super people sipping coffee in the lobby...) and going to interesting classes at the local continuing ed college (sober SMART people, holy cow!)
Gosh, I wish WE had a scrabble cafe nearby...the nearest one is like an hour away
Hugs, and welcome back from he||. We love you.
GL
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
A Scrabble cafe? Cool! (I am so behind the times... smile).
One thing I heard in a meeting once (regarding wanting to meet someone who truly compliments us)...
Make a list
Add everything you've ever desired in a man. You know - He must be kind, intelligent, thoughtful, gentle, compassionate, strong, .... those things.
Then... become the list.
The idea is that we attract what we are. If WE are compassionate, kind, and thoughtful - we draw those sorts of people into our influence.
My personal experience is that I thought I WAS all of those things (and still ended up with... well, that was then...smile). What I've discovered in Alanon are some character traits that I didn't know I had... and that I need to improve, if I think I want to really "be the list".
Some of MY character traits that get in my way are - perfectionism... controlling behavior.... manipulation... vicitimization... having judgments... insecurity... fear.
I do wish you well. And hope you can find another AA meeting some day that works better for you. Perhaps ask around to see if there might be one known to have lots of "long-term" recovery, or a speaker meeting. I've noticed that lots of the long-term folks stay away from the drunk-a-logues and focus more on the recovery.
Wishing you the best!
(((Hugs)))
One thing I heard in a meeting once (regarding wanting to meet someone who truly compliments us)...
Make a list
Add everything you've ever desired in a man. You know - He must be kind, intelligent, thoughtful, gentle, compassionate, strong, .... those things.
Then... become the list.
The idea is that we attract what we are. If WE are compassionate, kind, and thoughtful - we draw those sorts of people into our influence.
My personal experience is that I thought I WAS all of those things (and still ended up with... well, that was then...smile). What I've discovered in Alanon are some character traits that I didn't know I had... and that I need to improve, if I think I want to really "be the list".
Some of MY character traits that get in my way are - perfectionism... controlling behavior.... manipulation... vicitimization... having judgments... insecurity... fear.
I do wish you well. And hope you can find another AA meeting some day that works better for you. Perhaps ask around to see if there might be one known to have lots of "long-term" recovery, or a speaker meeting. I've noticed that lots of the long-term folks stay away from the drunk-a-logues and focus more on the recovery.
Wishing you the best!
(((Hugs)))
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