Step in the right direction............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Step in the right direction............
I received a call from my daughter last night. She stated that DETOX is hard but she is doing it! She also asked me what program I wanted her to go to when she gets out because the DETOX center that we put her in was so far away from us, she didn't want me to have to go out of my way again. I believe that she was leaning towards getting into something that was closer to home, but the people at the DETOX center told her that wouldn't be a good idea.
I explained to her, it doesn't matter where they put you as long as they recommend it then that is where you will go. I was under the understanding that she was only to be in this place for 10 days and that I would have to pick her up after that ...which would be this Sunday. She told me, that as long as she is trying and sticking to their rules that they will move her to the next step in her recovery.
She seems to be trying very hard and I beleive this was the first time in several years that I have talked to my daugher without drugs in her system. She actually spoke intellegently and without the slow responses that I was use to. She seems happy, although I am not blinding by this because she has always been good at putting up a front for anyone.
I know recovery is just the first step...but...it is one in the right direction. I also realize that relasp is always a step away ..but..for now I can't think about that.
My question is, is it right to feel nothing when I talk to her? I am just soooo mad at everything that she has put her kids through. I am not so much mad at what she put me through because I am an adult and can handle things--i think in my case I am just very disappointed in her. Is it right for me to be scared about losing my grandchildren to someone that I don't even know anymore?? I am so afraid that after she goes through all this treatment and she is going to want these babies back. Of course, I do not want to raise anymore children, but I cannot let go of these two in fear of her taking off and running only to become involved in drugs all over again. I, in my heart, think that the only reason she has asked for help is so that she can get them back and then continue on her merry little way. Isn't it my job is keep these children safe? How will I know that she is ready to have her children back? How can I be sure that she won't slip up and something happens to them?
I talked to her father last night, who hasn't been in the picture and only hears about her when something happens. This guy is no help, he mentioned the fact that since he has had two children from his new wife, that he realizes that he should have played a bigger part in our two kids lives but he has done nothing to change that. I have raised our two children to the best of my ability...and..after talking to him lastnight..he made it sound like I had a part in my daughters choices. I decided after that conversation, that I will no longer associate with him and if my two children (ages 22 and 25) want to contact him, that is there option.
Sorry to be so long, I am just so confused, disappoint, and have a million other things running through my mind.
I explained to her, it doesn't matter where they put you as long as they recommend it then that is where you will go. I was under the understanding that she was only to be in this place for 10 days and that I would have to pick her up after that ...which would be this Sunday. She told me, that as long as she is trying and sticking to their rules that they will move her to the next step in her recovery.
She seems to be trying very hard and I beleive this was the first time in several years that I have talked to my daugher without drugs in her system. She actually spoke intellegently and without the slow responses that I was use to. She seems happy, although I am not blinding by this because she has always been good at putting up a front for anyone.
I know recovery is just the first step...but...it is one in the right direction. I also realize that relasp is always a step away ..but..for now I can't think about that.
My question is, is it right to feel nothing when I talk to her? I am just soooo mad at everything that she has put her kids through. I am not so much mad at what she put me through because I am an adult and can handle things--i think in my case I am just very disappointed in her. Is it right for me to be scared about losing my grandchildren to someone that I don't even know anymore?? I am so afraid that after she goes through all this treatment and she is going to want these babies back. Of course, I do not want to raise anymore children, but I cannot let go of these two in fear of her taking off and running only to become involved in drugs all over again. I, in my heart, think that the only reason she has asked for help is so that she can get them back and then continue on her merry little way. Isn't it my job is keep these children safe? How will I know that she is ready to have her children back? How can I be sure that she won't slip up and something happens to them?
I talked to her father last night, who hasn't been in the picture and only hears about her when something happens. This guy is no help, he mentioned the fact that since he has had two children from his new wife, that he realizes that he should have played a bigger part in our two kids lives but he has done nothing to change that. I have raised our two children to the best of my ability...and..after talking to him lastnight..he made it sound like I had a part in my daughters choices. I decided after that conversation, that I will no longer associate with him and if my two children (ages 22 and 25) want to contact him, that is there option.
Sorry to be so long, I am just so confused, disappoint, and have a million other things running through my mind.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Are the courts involved with the children. If not maybe that would be a place to start. Your daughter needs a lot of time before you can trust her again with the children and getting the courts involved will at least afford the children some protection should she get them back and then relapse. They are your main concern and I know you want what is best for them. If your daughter is still working a strong recovery program in a year, then the question of her getting her children could be considered, but I don't see any way that she should have them anytime soon. Hugs, Marle
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Marle makes good sense - legal custody is the only way to ensure you have any rights. There are plenty of grandmom's on this board that can attest to that...sadly.
Detox is not even the start of recovery. But it is a spark. For that you can be grateful.
My daughter went through 4 rehabs, a recovery house following one of them, an Oxford House following another and still... went back out.
When she found HER reasons for quitting... she quit. She has been clean from methamphetamines for over 2 years today.
Detox is a beginning. Rehab is a start. Recovery and working a program and committing are hard, hard work. My prayers are with your daughter. I pray this can be her time.
In the interim - why not try some Alanon or Naranon meetings to help you with YOUR recovery. We do contribute to the addiction... but not like your daughter's daddy implied. Alanon can help you learn what to do ... and not do... while your daughter is working her program.
And give a lawyer a call. He can best advise you on those grandbabies. ((Hugs))
Detox is not even the start of recovery. But it is a spark. For that you can be grateful.
My daughter went through 4 rehabs, a recovery house following one of them, an Oxford House following another and still... went back out.
When she found HER reasons for quitting... she quit. She has been clean from methamphetamines for over 2 years today.
Detox is a beginning. Rehab is a start. Recovery and working a program and committing are hard, hard work. My prayers are with your daughter. I pray this can be her time.
In the interim - why not try some Alanon or Naranon meetings to help you with YOUR recovery. We do contribute to the addiction... but not like your daughter's daddy implied. Alanon can help you learn what to do ... and not do... while your daughter is working her program.
And give a lawyer a call. He can best advise you on those grandbabies. ((Hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Courts no help in WV
It had been suggested that I go the legal route to ensure my grandbabies safety and beleive me..i have tried to go that route and in WV the courts don't beleive that the children belong with anyone but their parents. I had contacted several attorneys over the year and a half, and unless I pay them 5,000 or more, they don't want anything to do with me or the children. I have been through Department of Health and Human Resourses (and there is nothing "Human" about them) and they stated that unless I turn the children over to the state, leave them in the system for 3 to 6 months, that there is nothing they can do to help me. Even though, they allowed my daughter to take her baby girl home from the hospital after birth when test revealed that she was on drugs during pregnancy!!
The only recourse that I had, was to have my daugther sign a temporary custody paper when she got put in jail. Although, in order to get this temp custody released she was suppose to write the judge requesting the order be dropped and has yet to do so. This is not legal, she can walk in and take these children at any given point in time--but...to be honest..legal or not legal...she will not get them with a physical altercation. I will not let these two defenseless children get hurt. I know legally I don't have a leg to stand on, but I don't care. When the state fails at protecting children, especially my grandchildren...then it is my job!!
The only recourse that I had, was to have my daugther sign a temporary custody paper when she got put in jail. Although, in order to get this temp custody released she was suppose to write the judge requesting the order be dropped and has yet to do so. This is not legal, she can walk in and take these children at any given point in time--but...to be honest..legal or not legal...she will not get them with a physical altercation. I will not let these two defenseless children get hurt. I know legally I don't have a leg to stand on, but I don't care. When the state fails at protecting children, especially my grandchildren...then it is my job!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((trisha))))
Your grandbabies are so lucky to have you in their lives.
I have a two year old granddaughter...my first...and I never dreamed that I was capable of the love I feel for that little one.
I really hope your daughter stickes to her recovery plan. Miracles happen everyday.
But in the meantime your feelings are valid, and hopefully over time, will fade a bit.
Try to stay in today, let go of yesterday and keep hope for tomorrow.
I know that can be easier said than done
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Your grandbabies are so lucky to have you in their lives.
I have a two year old granddaughter...my first...and I never dreamed that I was capable of the love I feel for that little one.
I really hope your daughter stickes to her recovery plan. Miracles happen everyday.
But in the meantime your feelings are valid, and hopefully over time, will fade a bit.
Try to stay in today, let go of yesterday and keep hope for tomorrow.
I know that can be easier said than done
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
trisha,
my advice to you from a lega standpoint is to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT everything. keep a journal and write down everytime your daughter calls, write down what you do and do not do for the children (you basically do everything) because if she were to force the issue you'd have proof of what you have done for the children and that you have been there for them and you also have proof of your daughter's struggles. Even in your state a court must look and review presented evidence.
I am sure you have probably gone through legal aid at sometime but I would offer one other suggestion.......if you have a minister you rely on sometimes they know members of their church or community people that are lawyers that are sincerely interested in childrens rights. Often if contacted they will sometimes takes on cases to help those that need assistance. In our church we have the nurses congregation that visit and check on people from our community. Usually each church has at least one nurse that will volunteer. Adding all our churches together they have about nurses now serving those less fortunate. I am saying just because it hasn't been tried don't be afraid to ask and look for sources "outside the box" so to speak.
I applaud you for the love you give your grandchildren and I wish you well. dixie
my advice to you from a lega standpoint is to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT everything. keep a journal and write down everytime your daughter calls, write down what you do and do not do for the children (you basically do everything) because if she were to force the issue you'd have proof of what you have done for the children and that you have been there for them and you also have proof of your daughter's struggles. Even in your state a court must look and review presented evidence.
I am sure you have probably gone through legal aid at sometime but I would offer one other suggestion.......if you have a minister you rely on sometimes they know members of their church or community people that are lawyers that are sincerely interested in childrens rights. Often if contacted they will sometimes takes on cases to help those that need assistance. In our church we have the nurses congregation that visit and check on people from our community. Usually each church has at least one nurse that will volunteer. Adding all our churches together they have about nurses now serving those less fortunate. I am saying just because it hasn't been tried don't be afraid to ask and look for sources "outside the box" so to speak.
I applaud you for the love you give your grandchildren and I wish you well. dixie
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Trisha
Thank the Lord those babies have you in their lives. Is there a legal aid society you could turn to?
Isn't it sad that the courts are so blind? As far as the Department of Health and HUMAN resources is concerned, you're right they're useless! No hearts at all! In fact, I think being hateful is a prerequiste in getting a job there.
In any event, hopefully your daughter will continue with her recovery and will have the good sense to leave the children where they are until then.
It would be so great if you could get legal custody though.
Hugs, Devastated
Isn't it sad that the courts are so blind? As far as the Department of Health and HUMAN resources is concerned, you're right they're useless! No hearts at all! In fact, I think being hateful is a prerequiste in getting a job there.
In any event, hopefully your daughter will continue with her recovery and will have the good sense to leave the children where they are until then.
It would be so great if you could get legal custody though.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
what you are feeling with your daughter is a trust issue. it will take time, lots of it to be able to "feel" again. you sound strong in your recovery.do not let your ex make you feel guilty about anything. i wonder how much "recovery" he has. he should be the one feeling guilty. i hope your daughter will work the program & she will get the program.prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Trisha,
Only time will tell if your daughter is serious about her recovery or not. In the meantime I would screw the legal system to keep those babies safe and deal with them later.
For now take care of you and the babies.
Blessings on your family............Lo
Only time will tell if your daughter is serious about her recovery or not. In the meantime I would screw the legal system to keep those babies safe and deal with them later.
For now take care of you and the babies.
Blessings on your family............Lo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Trish,
It's true that detox is only a beginning, but the thing is that there has to be a beginning somewhere, so why not rejoice in this one, right?
I just keep hoping that maybe when she has finished her rehab she will have a better understanding of what she has put the kids through, as well as what needs to happen to ensure that the kids are safe and cared for. Maybe by then her brain will be functioning well enough to know that it is best for everyone if they stay with you or another family member until she has made it to some far out marker, maybe a year or so... just to protect everyone, including her. If she's at a good enough facility, maybe the counselors can help with this a little... you will probably be able to talk to them about certain things, assuming she puts you down as a contact of some kind when she gets there.
Either way, for now they are safe, you are safe, and she is safe. Time to take things one day at a time
*hugs*
It's true that detox is only a beginning, but the thing is that there has to be a beginning somewhere, so why not rejoice in this one, right?
I just keep hoping that maybe when she has finished her rehab she will have a better understanding of what she has put the kids through, as well as what needs to happen to ensure that the kids are safe and cared for. Maybe by then her brain will be functioning well enough to know that it is best for everyone if they stay with you or another family member until she has made it to some far out marker, maybe a year or so... just to protect everyone, including her. If she's at a good enough facility, maybe the counselors can help with this a little... you will probably be able to talk to them about certain things, assuming she puts you down as a contact of some kind when she gets there.
Either way, for now they are safe, you are safe, and she is safe. Time to take things one day at a time
*hugs*
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