asking parents of adult substance abuse children
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
asking parents of adult substance abuse children
Friends,
i have done much reflection today and wanted to know if any of you have felt at all like this........I feel great sadness that even if my AS recovers that our family will never be the same. In other words my college age daughters feel no longer connected to their brother and he has not been there for them in a long time. Therefore they are not interested in pursuing a relationship with him as they feel they have nothing in common with him anymore. My husband (son's stepfather) feels my son has not been decent to me not only as a mother but as a human being. So he feels no inclination to get any kind of closeness going. My elderly parents are just devastated and are afraid he will relapse and put us all through this upheaval again.....although there can be no predicition.
Since I work in the legal field I have done things to protect my family such as revising our wills explaining full well that rehab has come out of his share when the time comes. I have put property in such as way that he can never force our daughters to sell anything down the road and he gets no money unless he passes a submitted hair follicle sample each and every month. I felt the need to protect my daughters in every way possible.
Right now my son 10 weeks clean to my knowledge. He is working a second job on week-ends and sometimes is called in during the week. His only mode of transportation is a bike and he told my brother he couldn't get to AA because of the job and plus his first job only afforded him 45 min to get home and then bike another two miles in the heat, plus he has to do laundry.......I see a pattern here. I told my brother my son's sponsor could be asked to pick him up (let son do the asking) with son offering to pay gas. It sounds to me when you begin to miss meetings its not a good sign. My brother says son says he and his wife are going to a weekly Bible Study and that's about all he can manage. So I guess we'll see.
The main thing that I feel very sad about is our mother/son relationship. Since his big relapse in June he nor I have contacted each other. He, probably because he knows how fed up I'd be, and me well........I guess I am just tired of the drama. I feel like he set sail in this boat and he'll have to get to shore. I am helping him in no way whatsoever. His wife doesn't seem too interested in affording me time with my grandson and that hurts. I asked her on three seperate occasions if I could babysit and she had a reason for each time. It has been done to me before. He is 14 months old and she has let me babysit for only 2 hours since his birth. She is not that way with her mom but I just have figured I cannot control that either. I am keeping a journal for him and I hope that one day he will know how very much he was loved by all of us. I continue to buy diapers and clothes for him. It is just that my son's behaviour has caused such a rift in everyone. I asked my daughter-in-law how my son was and she said if I wanted to know I could ask myself. I responded that he was appearing to be okay and i didn't want to "upset the apple cart" and that when he was ready I was sure he'd call me. Do you think things ever get really "back to normal" when adult addicted children that have stolen from you and done all sorts of things.....are those things ever really forgotten? Can you move on to forgive and forget? My mama says you can always forgive but it is very HARD to forget. Your thoughts please...........dixie
i have done much reflection today and wanted to know if any of you have felt at all like this........I feel great sadness that even if my AS recovers that our family will never be the same. In other words my college age daughters feel no longer connected to their brother and he has not been there for them in a long time. Therefore they are not interested in pursuing a relationship with him as they feel they have nothing in common with him anymore. My husband (son's stepfather) feels my son has not been decent to me not only as a mother but as a human being. So he feels no inclination to get any kind of closeness going. My elderly parents are just devastated and are afraid he will relapse and put us all through this upheaval again.....although there can be no predicition.
Since I work in the legal field I have done things to protect my family such as revising our wills explaining full well that rehab has come out of his share when the time comes. I have put property in such as way that he can never force our daughters to sell anything down the road and he gets no money unless he passes a submitted hair follicle sample each and every month. I felt the need to protect my daughters in every way possible.
Right now my son 10 weeks clean to my knowledge. He is working a second job on week-ends and sometimes is called in during the week. His only mode of transportation is a bike and he told my brother he couldn't get to AA because of the job and plus his first job only afforded him 45 min to get home and then bike another two miles in the heat, plus he has to do laundry.......I see a pattern here. I told my brother my son's sponsor could be asked to pick him up (let son do the asking) with son offering to pay gas. It sounds to me when you begin to miss meetings its not a good sign. My brother says son says he and his wife are going to a weekly Bible Study and that's about all he can manage. So I guess we'll see.
The main thing that I feel very sad about is our mother/son relationship. Since his big relapse in June he nor I have contacted each other. He, probably because he knows how fed up I'd be, and me well........I guess I am just tired of the drama. I feel like he set sail in this boat and he'll have to get to shore. I am helping him in no way whatsoever. His wife doesn't seem too interested in affording me time with my grandson and that hurts. I asked her on three seperate occasions if I could babysit and she had a reason for each time. It has been done to me before. He is 14 months old and she has let me babysit for only 2 hours since his birth. She is not that way with her mom but I just have figured I cannot control that either. I am keeping a journal for him and I hope that one day he will know how very much he was loved by all of us. I continue to buy diapers and clothes for him. It is just that my son's behaviour has caused such a rift in everyone. I asked my daughter-in-law how my son was and she said if I wanted to know I could ask myself. I responded that he was appearing to be okay and i didn't want to "upset the apple cart" and that when he was ready I was sure he'd call me. Do you think things ever get really "back to normal" when adult addicted children that have stolen from you and done all sorts of things.....are those things ever really forgotten? Can you move on to forgive and forget? My mama says you can always forgive but it is very HARD to forget. Your thoughts please...........dixie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I don't think that you can ever forget and I don't think you should. God gives us our lessons for a reason. I have forgiven my daughter, but it took a long time. I know what she did was because she is an addict. I had to come to the point of accepting that what she did was not personal, what she did not was not meant to hurt me even though it did very deeply hurt me. It is not your place to make amends to your son. It is his and hopefully he gets to that point of wanting to make a living amends to you no matter what or how long it takes. You are right that it will probably never be the same. But maybe it can be better. Because one thing that I have learned and you have too is that we can't control another person's actions and I think that that is the gift of addiction. It frees us to take care of ourselves and to let other people take care of themselves. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
I know exactly what you are saying, Dixied. I don't think I will ever get over all the things my as and ad have put my family through. My other son and daughters are not close with either one. They are not interested in persuing a relationship with them either. They have an uneasy truce when in the same room. It's sad and I feel sometimes that my heart can't break anymore, but as you all know, it can and does. They were sweet little children that I loved with all my heart and now they're strangers. Hugs to you dixied.
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Trish
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Trish
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by dixied 
It sounds to me when you begin to miss meetings its not a good sign. My brother says son says he and his wife are going to a weekly Bible Study and that's about all he can manage. So I guess we'll see.
I later realized how much the things I was learning in bible studies matched up with the same things we all can learn by working the 12 steps used in Anonymous meetings of all kinds.
What he puts into what ever recovery program he is working is what he will get out of it. A solid commitment to a sound bible study... He will grow much.
Over time... his actions will heal relationships. Changes in him and acceptances of his position he had put himself in... he will make amends where needed and time will heal hearts.
Truly a matter of letting go and Letting God finish what He has started.
The good works God has started in him, He will see to completion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
I appreciate your post marle. it meant so much. right now I feel my son has a problem addressing what he has done. sort of like if he doesn't address it then it really didn't happen or wasn't all that bad..........JMHO........thanks again.......dixie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Keep in mind that his wife is healing from her own issues with him right now, and truthfully, the answer "to ask him yourself" reflects some pretty good recovery, to me.
Be patient, he will make amends and start communicating when his recovery puts him in a good place to do so...and that's a good thing for you too.
I'm sorry about your grandchild, I too lost mine when my son was thrown out by the childs mother, and all I can do is pray for that little girl every day.
Addiction is a family disease, and so is recovery a family issue. Each person has healing, coping, forgiving and amends to do before they will ever have any kind of healthy relationship. It just takes time.
Hugs
Be patient, he will make amends and start communicating when his recovery puts him in a good place to do so...and that's a good thing for you too.
I'm sorry about your grandchild, I too lost mine when my son was thrown out by the childs mother, and all I can do is pray for that little girl every day.
Addiction is a family disease, and so is recovery a family issue. Each person has healing, coping, forgiving and amends to do before they will ever have any kind of healthy relationship. It just takes time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it is really hard on ALL the family when it has an addict in it.everyone is scared to get close to them.nobody wants to be used lied to or stolen from.i believe a family can get close only when they have a lot of clean time. i feel your pain & hope he will stay clean. i am a firm believer in meetings. saying a prayer, hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: west newton,pa
Posts: 10
I agree with Marle in that you can't take some of the things the addict does to you personally. My AS has stolen from me, his Dad, his sisters and his grandma for drug money. We even had him arrested twice and put in jail twice. I have forgiven him but cannot forget, and am always on the "watch" when he is around. I guess a mothers love is not always the smartest but it is a mothers love. I love my son deeply but would arrest him again if he stole again. His sisters and Grandma have forgiven him too but......time will tell. Good luck and God be with you and your family...Tug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I can relate to everything you are saying. Finally my daughter has her oldest brother and his wife in her corner. They are totally supportive as long as she is doing waht she is supposed to be doing. There was a long time that they didn't have anything to do with her. Her brother DID try but her addiction took over.
He thought it was best to let her go. Her younger brother and his wife do not bother with her at all. They had a baby last Feb. and they will not let her be a part of the baby's life. My dil is very distant and doesn't want the baby near my daughter. I have suffered because of this also. My dil's mother sees the baby everyday and also babysits. I have never been asked to babysit and I don't see it happening anytime soon. I feel like my dil and her family look down upon us because of my daughter. I make a point to visit my grandaughter once a week. I feel like they are supervised visits because my dil's mother is there eveytime I visit.
I don't want to say anything to my son because I don't want to create more problems. I am very good to my son and the baby and my dil. I have bought the baby a lot of nice things. Sometimes I cook for my dil to help her out. I would do anything for them because they are good people and I love them so. I just wish we could be more of a family. I can never invite all of my children over to my house for a dinner because my younger son and wife do not want to be around my daughter.
My daughter is sober now and doing pretty well. She said she wishes she could hold the baby. When she did get to meet her neice she was only allowed to look but not touch.........heartbreaking. What is a mother to do?
You are not alone in your feelings. I don't have any advice as my heart is breaking also. My whole family has been ripped apart. Any advice would be welcome.
Prayers for all of the broken families..............Lo
He thought it was best to let her go. Her younger brother and his wife do not bother with her at all. They had a baby last Feb. and they will not let her be a part of the baby's life. My dil is very distant and doesn't want the baby near my daughter. I have suffered because of this also. My dil's mother sees the baby everyday and also babysits. I have never been asked to babysit and I don't see it happening anytime soon. I feel like my dil and her family look down upon us because of my daughter. I make a point to visit my grandaughter once a week. I feel like they are supervised visits because my dil's mother is there eveytime I visit.
I don't want to say anything to my son because I don't want to create more problems. I am very good to my son and the baby and my dil. I have bought the baby a lot of nice things. Sometimes I cook for my dil to help her out. I would do anything for them because they are good people and I love them so. I just wish we could be more of a family. I can never invite all of my children over to my house for a dinner because my younger son and wife do not want to be around my daughter.
My daughter is sober now and doing pretty well. She said she wishes she could hold the baby. When she did get to meet her neice she was only allowed to look but not touch.........heartbreaking. What is a mother to do?
You are not alone in your feelings. I don't have any advice as my heart is breaking also. My whole family has been ripped apart. Any advice would be welcome.
Prayers for all of the broken families..............Lo
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I know how you feel dix
Both my sons have done so much to make me not trust them.
Right now, I have adopted my grandbaby's mother. She's not married to my son, but she is a good sweet and kind and gentle girl that I love. It just seems that she deserves more than my own sons, and so does my granddaughter.
Life will never be the same as it was before they both got in trouble. One has been in prison 3 times for stealing and he is only 26!
The oldest got addicted to drugs.
Where will life lead all of us? I don't know.
I know that my money and time goes to the people most deserving of it.
Both my sons have done so much to make me not trust them.
Right now, I have adopted my grandbaby's mother. She's not married to my son, but she is a good sweet and kind and gentle girl that I love. It just seems that she deserves more than my own sons, and so does my granddaughter.
Life will never be the same as it was before they both got in trouble. One has been in prison 3 times for stealing and he is only 26!
The oldest got addicted to drugs.
Where will life lead all of us? I don't know.
I know that my money and time goes to the people most deserving of it.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Dixie, I know you were looking for answers from parents and it is my spouse that is addicted however I know it has caused a huge rift between us and his side of the family. His parents love him but they don't talk very much. They do live on the other side of the country which also puts a physcial distance between us. One thing I do want to say is that I have sometimes felt caught in the middle between my MIL wanting to know how my AH is doing. I understand why your DIL said to ask him yourself. It is hard to be the one who keeps the updates and is probably more her being frustrated with HIM not keeping in touch with you and taking care of it himself than it is with YOU asking. That's how it was for me, anyway.
It makes me very sad that my son is collateral damage in all this as he does not have a close relationship with my inlaws or my husbands brother. As his mom, I try to keep my inlaws updated on their only grandchild but it gets hard sometimes when I am parenting alone. I would ask your DIL why she won't let you babysit (it could be because she feels her child would not be as comfortable because he doesn't know you as well). She may feel the way she feels because she may harbor resentment against your AS's side of the family even if it is not deserved. I can relate to that.
It is hard to be in your position but hopefully if you try to keep lines of communication open then in time, your DIL will come around OR when your grandchild is old enough he will choose to have a relationship with you. Keeping a journal for him is a really excellent idea. Just remember addiction is a family disease and you do the best you can, you love your grandchild and that in itself is a big deal.
Hugs!
It makes me very sad that my son is collateral damage in all this as he does not have a close relationship with my inlaws or my husbands brother. As his mom, I try to keep my inlaws updated on their only grandchild but it gets hard sometimes when I am parenting alone. I would ask your DIL why she won't let you babysit (it could be because she feels her child would not be as comfortable because he doesn't know you as well). She may feel the way she feels because she may harbor resentment against your AS's side of the family even if it is not deserved. I can relate to that.
It is hard to be in your position but hopefully if you try to keep lines of communication open then in time, your DIL will come around OR when your grandchild is old enough he will choose to have a relationship with you. Keeping a journal for him is a really excellent idea. Just remember addiction is a family disease and you do the best you can, you love your grandchild and that in itself is a big deal.
Hugs!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Dixied, I don't know the answer to that question. I know my youngest son is very disgusted with his AB. I don't know if the relationship will ever be good. My husband ( AS step dad ) is also very angry with my AS & gives me a hard time if I even want to go & see him.
I hope your son stays in recovery & I really hope oneday all relationships can be restored for both our families.
Love,
Diane
I hope your son stays in recovery & I really hope oneday all relationships can be restored for both our families.
Love,
Diane
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