JT

I learned how to survive, but not how to live.
—Gilly A.

We adult children spent much of our childhood learning how to get by. Many of us didn't learn to play as other children play or to observe and describe reality as other children do. We didn't learn to laugh at happy things and cry at sad things. We learned to coast. To fake it. To imitate as best we could the look and behavior of the people we imagined were "normal." We survived as well as we could.

Some of us made a better show of it than others. Some of us—twenty, thirty, or forty years away from the days of our childhood—have gone on to lives of outstanding professional achievement. We tell ourselves it doesn't matter now. The past is past. Others of us are never free of haunting images. To us, then is now, the sense of loss is constant, and the pain, like the sun, greets us every day. We have no energy for achievement.

Both categories of adult children are caught in the same trap. Without a desire to confront and resolve past issues, neither has escaped what was. Both are still just getting by. There is no way out but through.

Today, I pray for strength to choose life over survival.



From the book, Days of Healing Days of Joy
© 1992

2stop

That is so true. I had a counselor once that said I needed "play" therapy. I remember being so offended that someone thought something like playing would help me. I was so used to crisis after crisis that taking time to play seemed insane to me. I am finding the opposite is true, yet I still resist the urge to relax or enjoy myself. I feel too vulnerable when I am calm.

Thanks for the post!
Tammie

journeygal

Hi Tammie,

My therapist has said the same thing to me many times, that I need to learn how to play. I'm very good at "taking care of business", but I don't know how to just "be", and I definitely don't know how to play! She has suggested trying painting or something that would allow my imagination to take over...but I often think I don't have an imagination!!! And I would be too concerned with it coming out "right". I have a hard time accepting that there's not always a right or wrong way to do things...

DolphinBlue

What a great idea, I didn't know there was a meditation book for ACoA.

My counsellor says the same things, that I need to learn how to enjoy myself now that I'm not drinking anymore. I would've preferred him telling me I need to accomplish some great feat, I would actually find that easier because I'm good at making excessive demands on myself.

I remember starting school, observing everyone else around me and wondering why no-one else was doing the same thing. How did they just naturally be themselves? Whenever it was play time, I had to watch others laughing and having fun so I could copy them. I had no idea how to.

I get caught up in right or wrong too. I seem to think that if I can't do at least as well as the ideal, or better, then its not worth doing at all. I was a total nightmare at any sort of competition, throwing tantrums if I didn't come first. If more than a couple of people beat me at anything, I felt completely useless and gave up trying.

I'm glad I'm learning more about why now.

Amy