MTBChick

OK... I don't know if it is just that I have PMS or if I'm really and truly just feeling lost. I know that I'm currently going through a rough spot in my life (i.e. the last two to three months) where I'm finding it very hard to validate myself. I haven't been on my mountain bike in over a month I feel like I am being failed by GOD.

I also have to put on a fake smile and pretend to the rest of the outside world that things are great in my life...and thats even with people I would consider reasonably close friends. Sadly, I've learned that the only people I can trust with how I'm feeling or anything about my life are those who are not extremely close to me (i.e. the people of SR, Al-Anon members, my therapist).

Astro

It's like that old thought process of having to jump right back on the horse after it throws us, otherwise the fear sets in too deep. Sometimes I have to force myself to exercise or ride my bicycle, or I get complacent, I become fearful and isolate.

My recovery program works the same way. I can stew in my own **it, or I can take the steps that lead me to a meeting, prayer & meditation, support, and the friendships that validate me as a human being.

Sounds to me like you're doing pretty well. Awareness can be a powerful motivator.

MTBChick

I don't know part of me wants to sell the bikes. Lately I've been too tired to go ride and I've also been telling myself that I have to get other certain things done before I can go out and ride. I'm not fearful of excersising or anything like that I have just plain given up on life.

MsGolightly

mtb, it sounds like some depression you've been feeling... have you talked to your therapist about this?

GlassPrisoner

I used Mountain Biking for 4-5 years as my recovery program. I got really good at it, but it didn't work. Eventually, I got bored/tired/depressed and didn't want to ride anymore. I used to say to myself "What's the point ?, So I shave 7 seconds off a 4 hour ride ??!?"

The ONLY thing I've found to completely re-arrange my attitude and outlook on life is a 12 step program. And my, has it changed !!!!

hbb

I can relate to you, up until about 2 months ago i didn't miss the gym for the world. I was going 4-5 times a week, spinning 3x's and step 2x's. I think for me it is depression a bit too. Nothing really excites me even if in the middle of doing something fun. We just need to dust ourselves off and get back on that horse again like Astro said. It's amazing how someone (my ex) who has NO SELF ESTEEM WHAT SO EVER can make us feel so down when we are the healthier of the two.....boggles my mind but i feel your sadness MTB.....keep posting.

MTBChick

I'm most certain its a bit of depression but not b/c of the ex. I've inherited wacky brain chemistry from my one of my parents genes.... Basically, regardless of what I do I'll always carry a low grade depression its just the way the chemicals in my brain are thus I will always have to be on some type of medication. Over the past year 1/2 we have been trying different ones. I'm currently on the fourth week of a new one as we speak...so part of my erratic emotions over the past two to three months has be in large part due to changing and trying new meds. At least I'm aware of it.

MsGolightly

it could be the meds and the PMS combined.

is there a way you could find a new activity or hobby that you enjoy? like taking a class, or learning how to knit or how to cook. you're right, since you are aware of your meds and your depression, you have the opportunity to take control of it and make the most of where you're at right now.

prodigal

MTB, I have struggled with low-grade to pretty intense (sometimes unrelenting) depression since I was 8 years old. It's genetics for me as well. My family on both sides is like the Who's Who in the Wacky World of Crazoids. I have tried many antidepressants over the years, and found only one that worked, and after several years it didn't work any longer either. I went off the antidepressant in April. I still am hounded by anxiety (just the other side of the depression coin), so I take a very small amount of an anti-anxiety med daily.

Don't give up on life. And I'm here to tell you that God has NOT given up on you. Never has, never will. You are a person who is valued very highly by your creator. You have a contribution to make and a purpose for being here. Right now, you might not feel that way and you may even wonder if you have any purpose, but you DO. Guaranteed. I found that my own stinkin' thinkin' was contributing a lot to my negative self-image, codie-ism, depression, and sense of "what's-the-use?". My hormones also went totally berserk five years ago, and that was a contributor to the mess going on inside my head too.

Anti-depressants can be a real crap shoot. What works for one person, doesn't work for another. Some cause stomach problems, some cause weight gain, some just don't work for certain individuals. Have you had a physical lately? I had a gf who thought she was losing her mind, only to discover that she had a thyroid problem that was going haywire.

Consider other physical activities and hobbies. You might not feel like considering anything at the moment, but when you're feeling a bit better, explore your options. I came out of six months of the worst depression of my life by entering my cat in the "household pet" category at a number of cat shows in the D.C.- Baltimore area. It really gave me something to do, a way to meet "cat people" and got my mind off of feeling like I was in a bottomless pit.

Perhaps meditation or yoga would benefit you. Maybe lifting weights at a gym. Heck, maybe there's a starving artist inside of you that is crying to be set free to paint! The sky is the limit. You are worth investing in yourself. Don't give up. As someone who had thrown up my arms and just given up on life in general, I can attest to the fact that things DO get better.

dollydo

I do not suffer from depression, so I do not really understand it. However, I do know that the subconcious mind is the controller of your mind and body. It feeds thoughts to your concious mind, and you concious mind believes what it is fed.

Everynight right before you go to sleep feed your subconcious mind a positive thought.
Something simple like "Tomorrow I will be happy and at peace." Say the same thing everynight until your concious mind believes it, and it will happen. Then move onto another issue. This does work, one day you will wake up, and be in a better frame of mind.

I am sorry that you are struggling, this too will pass, it just takes time and a proper attitude.

cagefree

This makes sense to me - you have a neuron in your brain that associated something good (mountain biking) with something painful (your ex).

Get that neuron to disconnect mountain bikes from your ex and connect it to something good - someone new, a group of people, instructing a class - heck, I don't know, I'm no mountain biker.

I'm having to do the same thing at a gym that myself and my ex both go to, that I've been avoiding. I'm trying to get workout buddies who are fun to be around to go with me - that way, I don't associate going to the gym with him being there, but with laughing and joking about how out of shape I am with good friends.

MTBChick

Thank you for the responses. Me not wanting to mountain bike right now has nothing really to do with the ex. There is no association there (sure he likes to mountain bike too) but I've never associated the two together. Prodigal I had a physical last year need to schedule one for this year. Anyway, last year they didn't find anything wrong with my thyroid but I'm POSITIVE my hormones are way out of whack. It is really frustrating getting doctors to listen and work with me b/c I know that its more than just having messed up genes from my parents. The reason I say this is b/c I'm very much in tune with myself and I can tell when the hormones get out of whack it tends to be this up and down roller coaster. I will feel fine right when I get my "friend" and then a week to a week 1/2 before I get my "friend" again I plummet and become extremely emotional and depressed which magically lifts as soon as "friend" arrives. I've tried birth control pills and they have helped marginally. The antidepressants work marginally well too...I have been like you Prodigal where one has worked really well for a long period of time and then has stopped being effective for me. I do have other hobbies out side of my mountain biking, I haven't really wanted to do those either. I know the answer is making myself go and do the things I've always loved to do. On the same token I know I am extremely stressed and I know that my stress is fear induced. I have a big semester about to start. During this semester I will be doing my last semester of full time student teaching, writing my 30 page M.Ed. paper, taking a slew of standardized tests you have to take to be given teaching license, revamping my resume, and starting the interviewing process with schools to line up a job once I graduate in December, oh and continuing my part time job I have now along with all my hobbies. Looking at all that FREAKS me out!! I know it is doable but at the same time it FREAKS me out and I haven't quite yet learned how to handle it so I think I've reverted back to old coping behaviors.