KMH

I was hoping to get some advice from anyone who has experience with this. My fiance and I are 28. He has struggled with alcohol for the past 6 years however about a year ago he got a DUI and crashed his car and started taking control of his life. After a year of changing everything in his life (location, friends, job, etc.) I agreed to marry him thinking it was all behind us. He still drank but it was only beer and seemed to be completely under control. This past weekend he had to travel on business and while he was away he went too far, drove drunk and got another DUI. The legal ramifications are boggling my mind and next on my list but for now I am wondering how someone so young copes with getting help. He's not dependent on alcohol and for the past year only drank occasionally and kept it under control (for the most part). However this time he drank until he was oblivious and got in the car again after promising he would never even think about doing that again. Luckily he didn't kill himself or anyone else but he almost lost his job and maybe me, depending on if I can get through this or not. Does anyone know of people so young that have recovered from this type of occasional alcohol abuse and were able to live normal lives? Do you suggest going to AA and never picking up a drink again? Do you define someone with a problem like this as an alcoholic? Can you control it sometimes and then others have absolutely no control? My heart is breaking since my wedding is 9 months away. Our fear is that one day he gets in that car and kills himself or worse...someone else. Knowing that there are times that he can't do anything to control the amount he drinks and the actions he takes when he goes to far scares me and it's so hard to understand how sometimes he can and sometimes he can't. Any suggestions about treatment for people in their 20's or advice would be greatly appreiciated.

PaperDolls

I was a "problem drinker". For me, the definition of alcoholic didn't really matter. My drinking was effecting my life in negative ways. That's all it really takes. I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol either. I was a binge drinker.

I've been sober now since December of 2005. I'm 32. I was in my 20's when my drinking was at my worst. Honestly, age doesn't matter. Alcoholism doesn't discriminate. My mother is 60 year old sober alcoholic. She's been sober 5 years now. She almost lost everything, including her life. It's a progressive disease and it really only gets worse.

You should consider checking into Alanon meetings in your area. It could help you have a better understanding of the disease.

Welcome to SR. Glad you're here!

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, kmh. alanon for you and aa for your fiance would be a good start...

i understand how difficult it is, seems overwhelming. but once the drinking stops, and recovery begins - it does get easier.

blessings, k

Astro

It's never too early to get into recovery, to spend the rest of your life clean & sober, but he has to have the willingness. Keep reading these forums and you'll see that nobody forces anyone into sobriety, they have to want it for themselves.

We have kids as young as 14 at the AA meetings I attend, many of our members are in their late teens. What a blessing it must be to "get it" that early. It's amazing to hear someone share who's in their late 30's and has almost 20 years of sobriety. The gifts they've been given as a result of recovery are always a huge inspiration to me.

MsPINKAcres

It is a cunning, baffling & powerful disease - most recovery books usually say that only the individual will be able to decide if he is an alcoholic or not.

Here we try to take the focus off of them and focus on ourselves. What you could do is attend some Al-Anon meetings. These meetings are great help to learn more about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects everyone that comes in contact with a problem drinker.

I know many people who have gotten sober in their 20's, even in their teen's - because they were powerless over alcohol and their lives were unmanagable.

There is some really great info on the site, at Al-Anon meetings and Open AA meetings to help those who have questions about alcoholism. I'm so very glad that you are reaching out for help. It takes a brave person to do this - please keep coming back.

Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita

sunshine321

Age has nothing to do with it. In the AA meetings I attend when I can't go to an Al-Anon meeting, the age of the members runs from late teens to 80s. If he's ready to be serious about treatment he can get better. If he's not, he'll stay sick until he's ready or won't ever get treatment. One never knows. It sounds like his disease is the same or worse. Just because he didn't use until oblivion for a year doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic. There are all types of problem drinkers in the world. Sounds like your AF has a problem and it's becoming your problem too, if you let it. Attend Al-Anon.

And I'd think twice before I married him. Just read some of the posts from people on this board who are now responsible for their A's financial irresponsibilities because they are married. "Financial ruin" sounds pretty awful to me. "Lost everything" sounds even worse. You can always get married down the road if he seeks treatment and is serious about staying sober.

Jenny

parentrecovers

by the way, kmh - my daughter is 23 and has going to aa since last fall. and there are several 20 somethings in my alanon meetings - either in your shoes or dealing with family addictions since childhood..

KMH

Thanks to all who have responded so quickly. I really wish I would have used this site years ago. One of the responders mentioned not gettting married, is that common advice from all of you who have been through this? Is marrying someone with these problems a terrible idea? Is there any hope that he can get better at such a young age and we can live a normal life or does this disease truly kill all that is good?

PaperDolls

KMH. It is possible to recover from alcoholism. I'm proof as well as lots of people here.

Astro

Anything is possible, people certainly recover and live healthy lives. But I think it's important not to have any expectations. Again, sobriety is totally up to him. Over 27 years I had two divorces and a slew of dysfunctional relationships. Through all of them except my last divorce I had no desire to stay sober, I loved my alcohol more than I loved the relationships.

ladyjane

The first time my son was arrested for drunk in public, he was 13 years old. He's now 33 and still drinking and using.
__________________
Trish

elizabeth1979

Hi KMH and welcome.
My ex is 30 and Im 27. He was in and out of several rehabs, homeless, arrested, on and on. I have a lovely job and was mortified at the social stigma and legal and financial ramifications I thought he was projecting onto me. It was hard with my ex, bc he didnt get plowed in front of anyone but me, so our 'friends' didnt see the binging, drinking away withdrawls, and violent outbursts that came with his drinking.

Age to me, was only a indication of what the future would hold for me with him.
I think in our 20's, a higher percentage of people drink socially, so its more likely to blend in with 'normal' drinking.
Non alcoholic drinkers dont get numerous DUI's in my opinion.

Im glad you are here

ARealLady

Keep reading this board, KMH, and you'll find all the proof you need about what awaits you if you marry an A. Then go and read the Alcoholism board and you'll sometimes read stories about all that the A lost...marriage, spouse, children, finances, house etc etc.

"Is marrying someone with these problems a terrible idea?"

In all sincerity, why on earth would you want to "marry someone with these problems"?

Personally, I would put the wedding on hold (can you imagine if he ruins YOUR day by being drunk??? and that will only be the beginning), start attending Al-Anon and keep posting your questions here.

By the way, I decided to end things with XABF when he got his first DUI.

ARL

denny57

Welcome KMH, glad you're here.

What you describe is called a geographic - changing everything BUT the drinking in the hope the drinking can continue because it was everything else causing grief.

I spent many years believing AH when he said it was outside influences or inside pain "causing" him to drink. Then I educated myself on alcoholism. After 18 years together, 15 of them married, I am getting divorced. It is a relief.

Keep reading and posting!

sunshine321

It's ultimately your life and your decision. I just don't see the rush if you aren't sure what will happen. I guess the important question is do YOU think marrying someone with those problems is a terrible idea? Maybe read some more threads before you respond.

Jenny

TexasGirl

I really think this is how it started for me and my stbXAH. Yes, he got pretty drunk pretty often, but like Elizabeth1979 said, it's easier to blend as a social drinker in your 20s. As was mentioned, alcoholism is progressive, and I really started to see the change in my X at about 26 (we married at 23 and both are now 29). The DWIs have racked up (he's up to 5), adultery kicked in, and on and on. I understand that it is difficult to imagine starting over, especially when you have a wedding planned on the horizon. But I can definitely tell you that it's also hard to be divorcing in your 20s too. Mine will be final next Friday. At the very least, could you consider a longer engagement while also dedicating some time to learning about alcoholism?

Welcome.

GlassPrisoner

There's some really great advice (as always). Nothing to add here ,except one observation

IMO, one can take positive action, and do the next right thing, and have reasonable expectations about the outcome. But , this recovering alkie in no way controls his own life. I gave up trying a long time ago. We alkies drive ourselves to drink thinking we can control the drink and life.

Emimily

i'm 22, and i've been sober just over a year.
my life is beyond amazing.
i just handled my first real relationship ending like an adult.
couldn't have done it if i were still drinking.

give al-anon a shot, see if he'll give the rooms of AA a shot, and see what happens. can't hurt to try.

good luck, big blessings, and thanks for being honest.

socalgal

I didn't seem to have a problem with alcohol...that is, when I wasn't drinking. When I did drink, it was a binge to the point of blackout. The only solution for me was to stop drinking entirely. I was fortunate enough to get sober when I was 28. I had been married a few years and was on the verge of losing everything, including my life. So, I guess my response would be yes, someone in their 20's can get sober. But...they have to decide that they want that and then proceed to follow whatever steps are necessary for recovery, which for me meant therapy, AA, inpatient and outpatient treatment, and not drinking alcohol...ever...no matter what. I have stayed sober for 12 years that way.

Today I have two great kids who have never seen their mother drunk. My son asked me the other day if I ever drank alcohol. My husband shot me a look like, "Oh Yeah, did she ever." I explained to him, briefly, that alcohol made me very sick and I couldn't drink it all any more and he might have the same problem (something else to consider if you plan on having kids with an alcoholic, recovering or not - it is hereditary).

I am rambling, I guess my point is that people can get sober at any age. However, there isn't a thing that you can do about your boyfriends drinking...

IMHO I wouldn't marry an active alcoholic. Love doesn't conquer all and it certainly won't cure his disease (if he has one). I put my husband through hell. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I would observe what is happening, take care of yourself (ALanon) and wait...the answers will come.


Ps. All of this is meant as my opinion, not advice. Take what you want...

-Kathleen

Wascally Wabbit

Age? My son started drinking and drugging when he was 19. He is 28 now, and is paying the awful consequences of it. He commited a crime, and spent 9 months in jail. Got out, did real good for another 9 months. Something came over him and within 2 months was totally addicted and drinking. He was on probation too.
He had to go but kept putting the appointment off because he wasn't clean.
One day, I took him to see the probation officer because, I told him, if he didn't go, he would have a bench warrant and spend 5 years in jail.
Well, it was a very sad day for me. While I sat in the waiting room, fearful for what would happen to him, his officer came out and handed me his wallet. I knew this was it. She said he couldn't pass a drug test and she was taking him in.

By the grace of God, she put him in a work release kind of place. Not a real prison.
He is clean again and thankful it wasn't worse.
He will get out in another couple of months.
It's a shame it happens so young, but then again, its a shame at any age.