mamashell

I am drinking right now. I am alone. I have so many issues alcohol is the least. I have been drinking for 4 years now...first once a week, now every other day. I know better than to be THIS! I need help. I hate me. I am OCD, & have an eating disorder. I self harm by tearing out my hair. I am a Mama & grandma. I am so ashamed. I used to be a Christian. Now I am this.
If I stop drinking I have to face ME.

CarolD

Welcome to the Newcomers forum...

This is a good place for others to see your situation.

Blessings

IO Storm

mamashell...

I'm Sherry, a mama and a grandma too!

And alcoholic..and I've grown a full head of hair since I picked most of it

out last year...

i was the good Christian wife and mom..and started drinking with a wham!

During a divorce I started...just couldn't face the shame of being abused by

an alkie husband..I felt god had simply forgotten about me...

I left the church because of shame..

This is my 7th time in..recovery...I've learned a lot ..and mama...the one

most important and I believe infallible truth through all my trials is this..

We give up on ourselves...we beat ourselves up on a daily basis because

of fear..and shame. We drink and or use because these emotions are too much

for us to bear.

His mercy is ever there for us..but we cannot feel or see it when we're in pain..

It is a lie that god isn't there...Mercy is going out to you at this very moment.

So you "used to be" a Christian? God doesn't ever disown a child...

Please stay on SR and read a lot. There are so many others that you will relate

with as I relate to you..

You will find a lot of love here and folks to talk with.

I also strongly recommend a visit to Christians in Recovery..they will not

judge you and are a great support with our beliefs.

Prayers and hugs,



IO

Done_With_It

Hey there Mamashell!~

Welcome to SR.. I can relate to what you are going through kind of. Take some deep breaths first.. Try and take it one step at a time, stop pulling your hair out.
I'm a self harmer and have an ed also. I was addicted to meth for along time also, but I am doing really well with all three now.

Your drinking "IS" your biggest problem, if you are anything like me, because it numbs you to the self harm, and the self harm numbs you to the ed, and with your OCD, I'm sure it's 10X's worse. It's a cycle and you have to stop them all.
I don't and never have had a problem with drinking, but I know I could not drink when I was self harming for that exact reason, I did it once or twice and I got myself into some serious trouble, so I just didn't do that again. I know that is much harder for someone w/alcohol problems, but I also know how bad alcohol and self harm go together..

If your drinking your judgement is going to be clouded and you will think it's okay to self harm and your eating disorder is going to continue to get worse.
Dealing and facing YOU, is not as hard as you think it is going to be.
You are in hell right now because you put yourself there, but just the same you can take yourself right out.

The first time my therapist told me that, I was kind of dumbfounded and pissed off, but she was right. I had been in hell for so long, but I kept putting myself there, and I didn't think I could deal with myself.
Dealing with yourself IS hard don't get me wrong, but I know the pain of self harm and an ed, and it is much worse.

What can you start doing to help yourself, you said you were Christian once, Cutting and an eating disorder does not change that? Why would you think it would?
My treatment center for my eating disorder was solely a Christian based place, they took me in and I'm not even a devote Christian. They would never turn their back on you. Can you go talk to someone at your church?
Do you have a counselor, or can you get one?

We can help you start to look at solutions and dig your way out, there is a way out, I promise you that. And what you are going through is nothing to be ashamed of.


I have some things that will help you with your self harm, print them out and use them. Even if you think you won't, just print them and try it before you hurt yourself next time, or try them now. They do work... (Impulse Control Log)

Keep checking in with us...

glad you are here..

(((Mamashell))))


DWI

Done_With_It

IMPULSE CONTROL LOG

The impulse control log is taken from S.A.F.E and is geared specifically for self-injury but can be used for many types of compulsions.
With the impulse control log it is required that you log down every thought or feeling associated with a particular urge to self injure, whether or not you actually go through with the act or not. In the beginning the goal is that the writing will become a diversion from the act itself. The long-term goal is to understand the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Self-injury itself is a thought, not a feeling. Once you can fully grasp and understand that internally, you can begin to understand that self-injury is a behavior and behaviors can be changed.

Self-injury keeps us from dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Feelings or thoughts we find unacceptable are disguised through self-harming in some way although only a temporary relief is felt. If you feel the need to self-harm there is a feeling behind that, something you need to express.

Using the impulse control log is a good way to make you slow down, think before you act and remind you that you are in control.

Below is a generic example


IMPULSE CONTROL LOG

1.SELF-INJURY THOUGHTS: Burning, Cutting

2.TIME AND DATE: 3/9/07

3.LOCATION: My Room

4.SITUATION: A Friend and I aren't speaking, my boyfriend and I got into a fight, a relative is sick, and I lost my wallet.

5.FEELING: Angry, Upset, Lonely, Frustrated, Alone, And Disappointed

6.WHAT WOULD BE THE RESULT OF SELF-INJURY? If I cut/burn, Then I don’t have to get angry, then I don’t have to cry, then I don’t have to care,
then it won’t matter what they say or do, I can act and appear like I don't care.

7. WHAT WOULD I BE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY SELF-INJURY?
That I do have feelings, that I think no ones cares, that I think I don't matter, that it hurts less if I cut/burn myself, that I'm scared.


8.ACTION TAKEN: Ended up running, doing some artwork, and writing in my journal.

9.COMMENTS: My desire to cut or act out is still w/me but I’m challenging the thoughts. Tonight I plan on going to the gym and then to a friends house.

Done_With_It

Impulse Control Log


1.self-injury Thoughts:



2.time And Date:



3.location:



4.situation:



5.feeling:



6.what Would Be The Result Of Self-injury?



7. What Would I Be Trying To Communicate With My Self-injury?




8.action Taken:




9.comments:

Done_With_It

This one might help some also..


Thought diaries

If you're feeling depressed or anxious, these are some techniques which might help you in identifying the behaviours, feelings and thoughts that are to blame.



Before you use these techniques, it's important to point out that they aren't a substitute for treatment by qualified mental health professionals. This technique is used in cognitive therapy - but there's more to cognitive therapy than mood and thought monitoring. Also, some people may benefit from a different approach. If you find that this gets you so far and then you become stuck - or if it just doesn't work at all for you - then it might be better to ask your family doctor to refer you to your local community mental health team.
Using mood and thought monitoring is done using four stages.
Stage 1 - be clear about what the problem is
Stage 2 - monitor how bad the problem really is
Stage 3 - find steps between where you are now and where you want to be
Stage 4 - work through the steps at your own pace

This isn't as daunting as it all sounds. If you're reading this with more than just passing curiosity, then you've already acknowledged that there's a problem and wish that you could do something about it. It may seem overwhelming now, but things can change - if you take it a step at a time.
But before we carry on, there are two words of warning:

1. This isn't necessarily a quick fix. It does take working at, and there'll be times when you feel frustrated at your lack of progress.
2. You may feel that things get worse at first. This is because before you can do anything about your symptoms, you may need to concentrate on them and increase your awareness of them. You may well feel that you couldn't be more aware of them than you already are - but you may be surprised. Being more aware may make you feel worse - but it also suggests that you're working on the problem and (in the long run) may be successful.Before you use these techniques, it's important to point out that they aren't a substitute for treatment by qualified mental health professionals. This technique is used in cognitive therapy - but there's more to cognitive therapy than mood and thought monitoring. Also, some people may benefit from a different approach. If you find that this gets you so far and then you become stuck - or if it just doesn't work at all for you - then it might be better to ask your family doctor to refer you to your local community mental health team.
Stage one - be clear about what the problem is

To complete stage one, think about your problem. It can be described in general terms - you might be feeling depressed or anxious, or it could be that you've a certain phobia or obsessive-compulsion. These labels have their uses, but they say very little about how the problem is affecting you.
To help unpick the problem, it can be useful to split it up into behaviours, feelings and thoughts. Identifying the behaviours, feelings and thoughts is the beginning of changing things. You'll usually find that you can link them - certain behaviours will go with certain thoughts and feelings.
It's not important at this stage to try to work out which is causing which - as is so often the case with these problems, it's a vicious circle. Just the same it does help to realise that they feed off each other - as in this illustration.
The behaviours may be things you'd like to do but just can't - or things you want to stop doing, such as a compulsion, a habit, or even an addiction like smoking. It's important to be absolutely clear about these - they are very real things that you want to change. These specific definitions are, in part, what will define how successful you've been in changing things.
The other part of the cycle is feelings. Many mental health problems are defined by the kind of emotional distress that they cause. The depressed person wants to feel happy again, the anxious person relaxed and the phobic person wants to be free of fear.
It's too easy when you're distressed to be absolutely overwhelmed by the feeling - it can take up all your waking moments and leave you with little time or energy to think about anything else. A first step to dealing with the problem is to try to get beyond the sense of distress - and get it completely clear just what it is that's distressing you so much.
To do this you need to look at the thoughts - the third part of the cycle - that come with this distress. The human mind always has a variety of thoughts going through it - if you're not sure about this try to sit and think of nothing. Not easy, is it?
When you feel distressed, get a blank piece of paper and just note down the thoughts going through your head. This may take some practice. The idea is not to edit them - don't worry about writing in straight lines or about grammar and spelling. You just need to get those thoughts recorded somewhere other than your head.
If this all sounds confusing, another name for these is 'automatic thoughts' or 'self-talk' - the running commentary or conversation that you may have with yourself as you move from situation to situation. For some people, this will ring a bell and they'll immediately know what this is about. Others will find that it may take them sometime to learn to 'tune into' this.
It will also be important (for further work) to rate how bad each part of the problem is. That is:
3. how much is the behaviour getting in the way of life?
4. how strong are the feelings you're experiencing?
5. how strongly do you believe the thoughts?

To help you with identifying - and assessing the strength of - the behaviours, feelings and thoughts that need to change, print out and complete the exercise below. Some points to remember when you're filling it in:

* sit down at a time when you can be quiet and undisturbed to do it
* take your time - it's important
* you may not complete it in one session
* it's helpful, having filled it in, to wait a day and then review it
* you don't have to limit yourself to one sheet
* you can spend as much as a week or two to think it through.

You should be sure that you've completed this stage before moving on to stage 2.
Exercise: stage one chart (print off and keep).



Before you use these techniques, it's important to point out that they're not a substitute for treatment by qualified mental health professionals. This technique is used in cognitive therapy - but there's more to cognitive therapy than mood and thought monitoring. Also, some people may benefit from a different approach. If you find that this gets you so far and then you become stuck - or if it just doesn't work at all for you - then it might be better to ask your family doctor to refer you to your local community mental health team.
Stage two - monitor how bad the problem really is

So far you should have developed a clearer idea of definite problem behaviours, feelings and thoughts. We'll call these the internal workings of the problem. There's also an external element to the problem - all your behaviours, feelings and thoughts are affected by things happening in the world around you. It's essential to get to know how events change the internal working of the problem. One way to do this is to look for patterns over time. To do this you need to extend the exercise from stage one. When you're aware of a behaviour, feeling or thought that's distressing - repeat stage one, but note what's going on around you at the time, or what events lead up to the incident. To help you do this use a new form.
If you feel that the distress is with you all the time it may be better to stop and take a few minutes three or four times a day to note down how you've felt and what's been going on around you. Whichever way you decide to do stage one, it's also helpful to start tracking your thoughts and feelings over time. This way you may spot a general improvement - or worsening - of things, or realise that certain times of the day or certain regular events improve - or again may worsen - things.
To do this you can use the following chart either to monitor the number of incidents - such as panic attacks, or to rate each day in terms of how low, anxious or how much craving, for example, you felt.
Exercise: stage two chart (print off and keep).



Before you use these techniques, it's important to point out that they're not a substitute for treatment by qualified mental health professionals. This technique is used in cognitive therapy - but there's more to cognitive therapy than mood and thought monitoring. Also, some people may benefit from a different approach. If you find that this gets you so far and then you become stuck - or if it just doesn't work at all for you - then it might be better to ask your family doctor to refer you to your local community mental health team.
Stage three - steps between where you're now and where you want to be

By now, you've done a lot of work around your problems. For some people working at developing this level of insight is, on its own, therapeutic - while for others, becoming this aware of the distress can make things seem worse. Don't despair - they can, and will, improve. What you should have by now is a clearer idea of:

1. behaviours that need to change
2. feelings that cause distress
3. thoughts that contribute to the feelings and behaviours
4. situations that set off the whole cycle or make it worse.

Using this information it's now time to decide what you want to change first. It's very important not to be too ambitious - this is change by evolution, not revolution. The big changes will come later and by that time they won't seem so big.
Deciding on what to change first will, of course, depend on the problem. Here are some suggested first changes for different problems:

1. phobias - just try thinking about the thing without feeling afraid
2. obsessive-compulsion - try to put off a ritual for one minute, or if it's something you feel you have to do a certain number of times, try doing it one less time
3. smoking - go without a cigarette on one occasion
4. depression or anxiety - identify a negative thought and work on changing it

Obviously, for some problems, the focus needs to be on the behaviour, while for others it's the thoughts. It doesn't really matter where you start though as long as it's something that you can envisage being achievable. Having identified this first step think about how things would be if the problem had been resolved. Not just "I wouldn't smoke anymore," or "I wouldn't be frightened anymore" - but what would the thoughts and feelings be like and what situations would now be no problem.
This is your final step: write them in the goals sheet. Now we know where the journey starts and where it finishes.
Exercise: stage three chart (print off and keep).



Before you use these techniques, it's important to point out that they're not a substitute for treatment by qualified mental health professionals. This technique is used in cognitive therapy - but there's more to cognitive therapy than mood and thought monitoring. Also, some people may benefit from a different approach. If you find that this gets you so far and then you become stuck - or if it just doesn't work at all for you - then it might be better to ask your family doctor to refer you to your local community mental health team.
Stage four - work through the steps at your own pace

This sounds very easy but you know that this is where the real work begins. If it was as easy as just setting yourself small goals and achieving them then there wouldn't be a problem. Certainly, if a step proves too difficult then move back and try something easier - but at each step it's good to have a definite strategy for how to approach it. This will also allow you to be clear about when it's time to move on. The strategy we'll use here focuses on the behaviours and the thoughts.
Think of each step as an experiment in behaviour - are its consequences so terrible? So if you suffer from a phobia, what was the consequence of thinking about the thing that you're afraid of? Obviously you felt some anxiety; use the graphs to rate your anxiety and try the exercise again the next day.
You can supplement this by practising relaxation techniques and trying to use them while you're thinking about the anxiety-causing behaviour. Similarly, if you've an obsessive-compulsion, think about not completing a ritual - or leave one small ritual out - and practice the relaxation techniques. Try the short desk relaxation routine - it also suggests where you can get other relaxation tapes.
The other thing to concentrate on is your thoughts - specifically your 'automatic thoughts' or 'self-talk.' These can prompt all sorts of inaccurate assessment of situations, including:

1. split thinking - you may be telling yourself that there can only be two extremes in a situation, one totally satisfactory and one disastrous: "If this happens I'll be ecstatic - if it doesn't I'll just be destroyed."
2. catastrophe thinking - you may fail to see any satisfactory outcome or be convinced that it could not happen: "All right, it could happen, which would be great - but I just know it won't - this is going to be a disaster."
3. personalisation - an action taken by another person or organisation is taken as a personal attack: "The boss moved the office just to make my journey more difficult."
4. selective recall - the evidence that something is going to go wrong may be drawn from the one time that something went wrong - when on most occasions everything was fine: "He didn't like my work that time, I just know it's going to happen again."

The list goes on and on. It's important at each step to note your thoughts down and look at just how accurate they are. To do this, you can ask yourself four questions about each thought:

1. What evidence is there to show this is accurate?
2. Is there another equally believable interpretation of what's going on here?
3. What action can I take to have some control of the situation?
4. If my best friend were in this situation - what advice would I give to them?

Each step on the way takes practice - stopping to analyse what's going on also takes practice. But you've already started the process in the groundwork you've laid in stages one to three to get this far. Taking the time out to ask the questions is now really the last piece of the jigsaw, just as with the other stages - practice, practice practice.
After asking yourself the four questions, re-rate your thoughts and feelings and see if things have improved. Again keep a record so that you can track improvement. To do this follow the next link below.
Exercise: stage four chart (print off and keep).
This article was last reviewed in September 2006.
First published in June 2000.

Disclaimer

All content within BBC Health is provided for general information only, and should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. The BBC is not responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by a user based on the content of the BBC Health website. The BBC is not liable for the contents of any external internet sites listed, nor does it endorse any commercial product or service mentioned or advised on any of the sites. See our Links Policy for more information. Always consult your own GP if you're in any way concerned about your health.


Quote:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditio...diaries5.shtml

Done_With_It

I'm sorry that sounds really harsh and judgemental. I was trying to type to fast.
I should say that was for "ME"... I had to stop them all. There was no stopping
just meth for me, because the cutting went with it, and so did the bulimia at the
time.
I AM doing really well, but I do still struggle and it's not perfect. I haven't touched
meth in almost two years and my record with cutting and bulimia is pretty much perfect, my ed and self harm issues are still there.

I just knew I had to make a huge change, I had to stop it all or I was going to die, the cycle for me was horrible, I was in my own hell.

That's what I meant to say, I didn't mean to try and tell you what to do. And I meant you can do it as well, you just have to believe in yourself and set your mind to it.

Arura

Hello Mamashell ....

Sorry to here your in so much Pain ...

I Understand the feeling's your havein
...Im also a cutter ...The thoughts in your head are hard to not listen to ....!!!
But ...you can overcome theses thoughts with time and practice ....

(((((Done's)))) ....posts are great ....I use the Impuse control log sometimes
to try and help keep the noise in my head down ...as it does get loud ...and want to hurt me ,...ODD is'nt it ...!

Sometimes it can take days for those thoughts to go away ....But its better than hurtin myself ...!
No matter how much pain my head is puttin me thro ...!

The drinkin will only make it worst,..but im sure you know that ...!
You would be better to try n start movein away from the drink n drugs ...as it just makes you belive the crap your head is telling you ...!!!

And its just not true ...!

I also starve myself ...for no aprent reason ...than I dont want to eat ..?
Dont know,...how to get it started ?
...But slowly is the best little by little thro the day ...!

Please read (((Done's))) posts they have helped ...ALOT....in my journey to not hurt myself ...!

Your not Alone honey .....
Talkin about it Does help ...!

parentrecovers

glad you found us, mama - keep posting, k

mamashell

Thank you all so much. I am to exhausted emotionally to say much now. I also am ashamed I posted while drinking. Thank you for sharing with me your experiences. I always feel like such a failure at life. I always feel alone. I will come back when I am not so dwon.
Thank you

Done_With_It

Oh sweetie, It's good that you reached out. Glad you checked it, was getting worried about you.

kojac

First, and far most.....welcome! And most of here at SR would agree that alcohol indeed is not the problem but it sure compile to it; whatsoever the it may be in your situation, circumstance, behavior or thinking. And, What is it you want to do about it?and, How can We help? again, Welcome. seloth@. tfs

Dee74

hi mamshell,

just wanted to say welcome - stick around

D

Anna

Hi Mamashell,

You are not alone and you are not a loser.

You have a lot to deal with and my suggestion is to not let yourself get overwhelmed. Just take things slowly and try to move forward. You don't need to feel ashamed and you can deal with these issues.

Keep reading and posting.

Rowan

Mamashell,

Please stay here with us - we do care and understand.

Arura

Hello Mamashell ....xXx...!

I Just wanted to check back in with you ....

I totally agree with Anna ...it can be Overwhleming at first ..to try and tackle so many things ....!

So be gental to yourself ....at this time ...you need it ....Keep it in the day ...and TRY not to dwell on things ....as that just feeds the thoughs ...!

DONT ever feel Ashamed or that your a Loser as your NOT ...!
Just dont belive the lies your head tells you ....

I Understand your feelings of lonleyness ...aswell ...!

Alone in a crowed room is not a nice place to be ...We know hon .....xXx...

Just stick with it ..and keep postin ....

We are here to help .....

...xXx....!

mamashell

Well, I haven't drank for 4 days, new record for me. I was averaging every other night when the children were sleeping.
I know I have these learned behaviors , I need to gain control of. I am a fixer. I have 4 children, one of which is a teenager with anger issues. He is also a male child. I have issues with males that have strong personailities. My father was very controlling & stern. My son is running over top of me. Thing is I feel like it is my fault...well I am sure it is my fault. I am always afraid of hurting my children emotionally the way that I was, so I OVER compensate by not being enough of an authourity figure. Don't get me wrong, I teach ethics & values but when they disrespect me, I assume they are right & don't punish them for it.
I recently read up on Learned Helplessness.It fits me almost to a tee. People with this even tend to drink & have eating disorders or OCD. I have all 3.
I accept the blame for everything that goes wrong in everyones life around me. I try to fix everyone. I love with my entire being. When I fail...and I usually do I am devestated & go right back into the old trusted behaviors that comfort me.
I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I want to. I think I have somewhat become my behaviors, does that make sense?

Jhana

Hi Mamashell,

Glad you are 4 days away from your last drink; soon it will be 5.

There has been so much of hselp posted above that I have nothing to add except support,

Jhana

kojac

U're on the right track......
My dis-ease had such a grip on me to the point of me believing that I had to learn how to use becaue consequences where much greater than I where willing to pay. But all of this was just another means of me staying sicker; as well as proteceing my using no matter what the drug of choice was ( alcohol is a drug ). Yet, ity good to know that things are looking up for u. And that u're in touch with u're feelings and seeking reading materials of subject matters which apply to such feelings that u are identifying with inside of yourself. Because this is where the real battle is; and,this is where the healing ( change ) begun. seloth@. tfs