Emily2002

for this moment, at least.

It's a beautiful day... I'm awake, sober, and feeling good.

Part of the reason I'm feeling this way is because of people here on this forum, and I thank you. The regulars, the newbies, those who've been sober for a while, and those who begin again and again.

I think I can do it this time. I hope.

I won't lie. Coming to grips with the reality that I am a true alcoholic is tough. I really don't want to accept it. I just want to keep believing that I have a "problem" -- one that I can control.

My gut tells me, though, that I can't. I AM an alcoholic. I AM. And I'm ANGRY.

I am trying again, though, because I need to beat this. I want, so much, to really "get it."

Coming here helps. I don't always post, but I read a lot, learn a lot, and care a lot.

Day 2 and counting.

MeToo2

Same here-day 5 (if i count correctly) of the plan. Woke up at what I thought was a bit after 6 AM, according to bedroom clock. Living room clock said not quite 6, LOL. But I went to bed early again, so it was OK. Just not used to seeing 5 AM from the waking up vantage point rather than the "stayed up all night" vantage point because of insomnia. Can hydrocodone addiction give one insomnia? I hear this and that, I don't really know what it can do. All I know is that even the drastic cut in dosage that I've made is giving me withdrawals, but nothing like c/t does. Right now it's mostly mental, even when I think it's physical, I think. I'm at 1 pill above prescription level right now, will be going to one less in a week or less, then to 1 and then none. More than anything I just want to get to the point where a day isn't something I measure in terms of having "got through" it (barring the normal human experiences), and is just another day, like it is for the whole wide world. It's just this one last darn thing to get past.

carl11

I hear you...it mad me upset that I could not control my own urges ....but it is what it is....don't let your anger drive denial....that’s a slippery little tack that the beast likes to use....making you pugnacious and stubborn ..it will use anything to trip you up...thats part of the nature of alcoholism...


anger is an issue that can be used to your advantage though......anger at the beast within you and us, that drives you to drink...get angry at the beast and tell it not today.....not today.

MeToo2

I've found that I have to not let my anger at my problem, drive me to willful defiance to give in to it. I don't know how to explain that, LOL. But I know what I mean.

parentrecovers

support your way, k

Emily2002

Carl, thanks. You're so right. The anger and denial are inextricabley entwined. Never thought of using it to my advantage... Putting an ugly face on it, PICTURING it as the true beast it is. Telling it "not today."

Anna

Hi New Leaf,

I am so glad that you're optimistic. I felt a lot of anger too, when I stopped drinking. After awhile, I realized most of the anger was directed at myself for allowing this to happen to me. And, so began the long process of forgiveness and moving forward.

Missymae737

Hi New Leaf,

Anger is the most difficult emotion I have. Learning how to FEEl this emotion in a healthy way can be most challenging but not impossible...

I have learned why much of my life I have been depressed...It is because I didn't learn how to feel anger in a healthy way...

Thinking of you...

Emily2002

Thanks, Anna.

Did you find yourself vacillating back and forth between emotions? I mean, I feel strong today, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? In fact, who knows how I'll be thinking about this whole situation later tonight during my tough time? I worry about that.

I felt so incredibly wonderful back in June when I made it to 25 days. Quite frankly, I don't know how I did it...

I can't run from this. I really do think that when I drink the depression kicks in, and when I get down -- I drink. It's hard to remember when feeling overwhelmed, lonely, tired, etc. that acohol's NOT a friend.

I'm sick of the revolving door.

Emily2002

I think I've suppressed a lot of anger in my past. It's not really something I ever really considered before. My son pointed out the other night -- now that he's 18, he's not going to let people walk all over him at work, at school, etc. He feels a new sense of empowerment with "adulthood." We talked a bit, and it came out that he thinks I let people walk all over ME. That I'm TOO nice.

Growing up I had to be the calm, composed one. Had to take care of my six younger siblings when my p's were fighting. Things almost always got ugly. Drinking was almost always the trigger.

Anway -- I'll try to think about anger in my life a bit more. How it's hurt me and how I can use it.

You, Carl, and Anna are awsome.

Thanks.

Anna

I was raised to behave and be quiet and that's what I did. I never expressed myself and just learned to sit on my emotions. I had what Oprah calls "the disease to please". And, it is a disease because it makes you sick, one way or another. Allow yourself to feel and to be heard.

Dee74

This is a great thread newleaf. Thanks
Some great advice here...nothing to add.

Just...think about today. Think about now. Let later and let tomorrow take care of itself for the moment

It's hard I know. But I believe you can do this.

D

stone

Yep, alcohol is NOT a friend. Well said. I am glad you are feeling optimistic and you sound determined too.

Jules62

Hey sweetie,

Oh yeah the anger is normal-I'm trying to deal with that myself.Accepting I'm an alcoholic was really hard-but like you, coming here has helped me so much and the only way for me to recover is to keep reminding myself that this is who I am.Some days I'm fine with that-other days I'm really p*ssed off I can't be like other people and drink normally/occassionally.It's a bit of a rollercoaster at times but I keep telling myself these feelings will pass-and they do.

I know you can do this-cos hell-if I can?I know you can.

You're doing great.As others here said-stick with today.If I focus too much on 'never drinking again' I get depressed and it feels too overwhelming.

Hang in there and know you're not alone

Love, Julesxox

Pilgrim

Hi New Leaf.

I feel exactly the same as you.

I am one of those ones that keep trying and trying.

I wrote a whole thread about that "nice" little part of me that is actually full of angry vicitm stuff. It is the part that drinks instead of dealing with my responsibilities. My Responsibilities include making sure I don't resent people who treat me badly. Making sure I don't get into situations that will cause me to be resentful and angry. It means taking action.

Thanks for your words which are so eloquent and express exactly how it is for me as well. It's so nice to be understood and to connect.

Sober_Life1030

I went to my first meeting yesterday. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I went again today and finally admitted what I had been in denial about for years. My sponsor called me today and asked if I made any phone calls. I told her no and she called me out on it, then I let her know that right when I got off of work I went to another meeting. I told her I was surprised that I went. I was so tired. She then asked me if I ever had been too tired to drink and I of course told her no. I am feeling very optimistic. I am excited that my life is going in a new direction and that maybe I will achieve everything I put my mind to.

Pilgrim

Hi SL. Welcome to SR!!!

It's great to see you taking some action.

If you hit the new thread button and introduce yourself, lots of people will welcome you to the site.

indigo

Welcome to SR, you'll like it here!