Kacee

Ever just have one of those days??? I know you have. Today is mine. I am exhausted. Exhausted from trying to hold everything together and be everything to everyone. My AH is just so frustrating. He tells me things just to hear himself talk! He has no intention of quitting or even slowing down. In his opinion he "works hard all week" and "deserves" to party on the weekend. Says hes not hurting anyone and that I am just trying to make him feel guilty for "having fun with his friends". I'm sure you hear that one all the time too! He has done everything he could possibly do to hurt me in terms of his drinking and the outcomes of some of those binge nights. He has also has had two affairs in the same month a while back and blamed it on drinking and cocaine use. He said we were "having problems", I say HE was having problems and the problem is alcohol. Do any of you have similar experiences with AH and having an affair? I know alcohol only makes the inhibitions less, but they are the ones who submit and have the affair. The women are also drinkers and they "understood" him. AHHHH I could just scream. I try to forgive, but geez how much can one person take?
He just doesnt get it. He hates counselors, they dont know anything! (you have heard this one too I bet - LOL) I have to leave, but I just cant get it together to do so. It is a huge thing for me to leave with two kids and living in a town far from my family. But I am planning little by little. I guess I am just heartbroken that he cant see what he is losing. I am lonely and sad and just want to be happy again.
Thanks for letting me vent.

lillian

sorry you are hurting-- it is hard to walk away. i never did it, and got walked away from. either way, i think we know a bad situation when we're in it. the trouble becomes, what to do about it? try not to beat yourself up-- also, alanon can be a good place of support for what is and will likely be very stressful.

parentrecovers

don't let a word he says affect you, your decisions or your well being. it's his disease talking, and it's all just nonsense - built in denial and not wanting to be accountable for his own actions

make the choices that are best for you and your children. and if you're not already - find a face to face alanon group for yourself to attend for support.

blessings, k

kglast

((((kacee))))

I can definitely relate - sorry you are having a tough day....funny how everything is always "our fault".

8675309

((((Kacee))))

I'm sorry you are hurting. I have experienced the affair thing. My AH was secretly having a "friendship" with another woman. I discovered excessive text messaging, many phone calls to someone with a cover "male" name in his phone... He claims she was becoming his best friend and wished that I would be his best friend..quack quack. The pain is incredible.

What I have discovered about me in all of this. Whether he slept with her is irrelivent, whether I can forgive, I don't know. The point is, my non-negotiables were broken. I am honest with others, give respect, and am loyal. I expect the same in return. I too blame the drinking on his behavior however he does have a choice and he made the wrong one. Therefore, I made a choice. As long as he is drinking, I will not be with him.

Thankfully, he has moved out. What has helped me get through this madness is counceling, Al-anon, and this site. I understand the sadness. The only thing you can do is take care of you and your children.

Hang in there.

justjo

My first option would be to get him to move out. Tell him to move in with one of his affairs and see how he likes it.
Why should the kids have to suffer because he is selfish, ask him that?

Live

Glad to hear that you are putting together the pieces of a plan! Good work.

It's not worth the effort to try to set their thinking straight. They believe themselves!

I went through this and 10 years later, mine (X) still believes that it happened the way he said.

Do you have the book Codependent No More? I highly suggest it, you will get a good idea of what is going on and what it leads to, imo

respektingme

I know some of your frustration. When my AH would be drinking, he'd use the excuse that our marriage was so horrible that he had to drink. What???????? News to me.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If he's not willing to stop drinking, than you'll probably start feeling like you want things to change. I'd suggest going to Al-Anon. I love it.

Janitw

Mine used to say "My wife doesnt love me, my wife doesnt like me"....blah blah blah....so he had an affair and left the kids and I after 22 yrs. He married the hooch 4 days after our divorce was final. Alot of us know your pain and offer our best wishes for you hunny. Affairs hurt so very much and its been 2 yrs since he left us....none of us will have anything to do with him or that side of the family. His choice paved the way for us to have choices also. Stay strong but be careful sweetie....std's are everywhere. And they are so dangerous.

dollydo

Some people are cheaters, alcohol or no alcohol. Alcohol may magnify the desire, and in many cases be used as excuse.

All I can say is that you deserve better, and, I am glad to see that you are taking steps to move forward.

TexasGirl

When I caught my stbXAH in lies, he managed to convince me it was just a friendship. He even cried at the idea of not being able to talk to his friend again. He said she just understood him and his problems and that it was going to be sad to never be able to talk to her again. That really hurt to hear....for our entire marriage, I was his confidante. Come to find out a year later and amid the process of divorce, he admitted to me that he'd been sleeping with her that whole time. It was a slap in the face that still stings well over a year later.

Try not to let the bad choices of an alcoholic in the midst of active drinking affect how you feel about you. And a plan is a plan, even if it's just a few steps here and there.