kokobum

....why do we love addicts, despite the unbelievable pain that we feel?? These are the questions I've asked myself a million times in my 20 years of marriage to an alcoholic. I love her so much yet my love is conditional based on her sobriety, does that make sense? Why can't I just hate her?? Why can't I not let this effect every fiber of my being?? Why can't I go to work and not worry about what she's doing at home, or what wonderful psychotic episode I will have to deal with this time?? When will she say "enough is enough"? I know that the pain an addict causes us are not meant to be taken personally, but how do you not take it personally?? She drinks because she feels lonely....pfftt...tell me about loneliness!! Don't think there's another piece of my heart left to break......

denny57

Welcome, kokobum, glad you're here!

I'd start with reading the Stickys at the top of the forum.

Keep posting - it helps to know you're not alone.

TexasGirl

I recently said something similar to this. I said it would be a whole lot easier if I could just hate him. My doc suggested that I not try to hate him. He said it's very sad that he is so caught up in his addiction, but that doesn't mean that you have to live with him or his consequences.

Welcome.

kokobum

thanks tex, thats the reason i'm here, is because i know I'm not alone in these feelings. Not sure where the misconception that only men are alcoholics comes from, but i guarantee that's not true. I've been in waaaay too much pain for waaaay too long, and I really feel it's time to bail. The odds of her helping herself, obviously are slim to none, and I can't continue to progress in life as long as this situation exists. The thought of life without her is horrifying, but the pain I feel everyday is more horrifying!!

Mair

Welcome Kokobum (cool name) Youve come to the right place. I wished too that i could hate my xab, at one time i wished that he would be a womaniser instead of an alcoholic. If he was a womaniser i would find it very easy to hate him. But because of this disease he has it's a different story all together. My advice to you would be to read about the disease, learn about their ways, and learn how to detach. You cannot stop her drinking, but you can stop it hurting you.

This place is truley amazing, and im glad you found us.

Mx

Barbara52

kokobum, I understand the kind of pain you are going through. I hope you find the kind of support here that I have. Its been a real life saer for me.

You are absolutely right that women are also alcoholics. No shortage of women in that category at all.

I don't want to hate my AH. I do not love him anymore but I do care deeply. I bear him no ill will and pray daily for him to recover in whatever way he needs to do it. But I could not stay with him any longer. It was destroying my life, my soul. I have found peace now that I moved out and have been able to detach from his problems and the drama that was our joint life.

It is indeed possible to care and still detach. Others even manage to still love their alcolholic spouse while detaching.

FormerDoormat

I, too, used to fear the pain of losing Richard, my AB. And I did, indeed, lose him to the disease about two months ago when he succumbed to his illness. But the thing is, I now realize that I lost him about 5 years ago when his drinking progressed to the point where he could think of nothing else but his next drink. What remained in the last five years of his life was a mere shell of a man. Alcoholism is fatal if left untreated. Along the way, it takes many victims, including those who love their alcoholic partners, if we let it.

That's no way to live. Perhaps it's time to decide what if any joy is left in your relationship. Perhaps your wife is long gone, too. But only you can decide if that's the case. In time, with the help of SR and hopefully Alanon, your head will clear and you'll be able to face the truth and decide the best course of action.

Welcome to the forum.

kokobum

I've been to AlAnon many times but just don't think I have found the right group yet, but have promised myself to try a new group. Truth is, I've always become rather resentful that I'm the one seeking help for HER problem! Then, of course, I realize that since I'm the one that has chosen to live in this environment, that must mean I need help too!! As hurt as I feel, I am now just plain pissed off that she can choose to hurt the people that love her over and over and over again!! I've given her a thousand chances, how many more does she get?? I'm so sick of hearing "there's no magic pill that will make it go away", or "I am trying to quit", or "I am getting help"("help" means seeing a counsellor once a month, then promptly stopping at the liquor store on the way home). I'm sick of wondering if I should be buying Christmas gifts this year because I can't imagine we'll still be together by then. I'm sick of watching our last $20 being spent on the thing I hate the most!! Yet it has to be a priority for her?? Hey, I would love to come home after work and have a beer, but that is something I sacrificed long ago (like it's made a difference?). I have lived without intimacy for years, I'm only 41, not ready to give up sex yet!! Though, even if she tried (pffft...right!!) I wouldn't have sex with her when she's drunk!! Anyway, I just need to vent... I thank all of you who have posted messages, you are all great!!

sb0804

Kokobum, OMG when I read what you posted above it was like I wrote it (same age also). Especially the intimacy part of your post. I also used felt resentful at first because I felt that I was going to meeting for her problem. But now I have learned that is time for ME to take care of myself and once I figured that out I dont feel the heartache and stress anymore.

I also found it interesting when you mentioned that there is a misconception that only men are A's. I really believe that is very very true. As a matter of fact my group was a little surprised when I showed up and told them about my wife.

kokobum

LOL...that's been part of the problem I've had with AlAnon, been to 4 different groups, and each time I've been the only man there. Must say that it made me feel a little crazy...lol. Found it hard to believe I'm the only man dealing with this issue..(maybe the only man trying to do something about it was more appropo). I would say that I'm Christian (though haven't practiced for a while), but I do wish the meetings weren't so religious. If I wanted religion I'd go to church, I'm looking for solutions to my situation, not looking to be born again. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 16 months ago...I really thought that would at least stop the binging, but nooooooo....right through chemo, right through radiation, it didn't matter, that was more reason for her binges!! I can only imagine how incredibly difficult it was for her, but damn it it was very hard on me too!!! Don't I get any credit for at least being there??!! The binges are never ending, right now I don't think I could say that about our relationship. I left her 11 years ago, and we got back together after she had 2 years of sobriety, just as I let my guard down, POW, right in the $%^&*%#@, even if she went to rehab tomorrow I don't think I could EVER let my guard down again, and not sure thats much of a life for us. Sheesh, she wonders why I'm so grouchy?? No sex for years and endless binges?? I think anyone would be grouchy!!

CE Girl

Hey Kokobum, welcome to SR

I can't imagine putting myself LAST for 20 years. You are an incredible mortal.

And yes, it is the "promise" of maybe getting back what we fell in love with in the first place.

Until one day I woke up and realized, DUH, I ain't GETTING that back, at least not with my A. I'm a tad "older" than you, but I'm not ready to give up intamacy and love yet either,,,

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Sound familiar?

I got a little story about seeking help.

When my husband died after 23 years of marriage, I went to a counselor. I needed help dealing with the grief. I noticed when I walked into her office, on the coffee table was a BIG 11x17 wedding picture. Looked 'brand new'. She asked me what brought me there and I proceeded to tell my story. By the time I was done, the counsleor was in tears. Clearly upset. I thought, WOW I got me a "sensative one" and she was surely gonna be able to help. Then she explained, how my sotry touched her and she could not imagine going through that with her NEW husband who was in that big ole glossy with her! LOL I handed her some kleenix, COMFORTED her and said my good byes. I thought about sending her a BILL,,,he,he,he

I later found a group that related to me and I to them.

Point is, sometimes it takes some "misteps' to find what "fits". It's about YOU now, and what YOU need and want. Please don't give up

SR is a great place to start,,,

Peace

FormerDoormat

There was no physical intimacy in Richard's and my relationship for the last five years of his life, either. His drinking had progressed to a point where physical intimacy proved impossible for him. And emotional intimacy was something he avoided at all costs. He'd rather get lost in a bottle of brandy than open himself up to me.

Then one day I began to realize that it wasn't just Richard who avoided emotional intimacy. I did it, too. Always have. Alanon and SR helped me to realize that fear of intimacy is what often leads we codies to choose addicts as partners. We feel safe with them and can avoid emotional intimacy easily. In fact, we blame their alcoholism for the lack of intimacy in our lives. It's easier to blame another person for our shortcomings than it is to realize that we didn't choose alcoholics for partners hap hazardly. We chose them on purpose, knowing full well that we could hide our true feelings from them and focus on controlling their every move instead.

It's a sick dance we codies and alcoholics engage in. We seem to need and feed off of each other. Then one day the music stops playing and we wonder what the heck is going on here. And we exit the dance floor and end up here on SR.

There are some very good books and websites that deal with fear of intimacy. The roots of this fear go back to our childhoods and left unchecked, this problem follows us throughout our lives and affects all our relationships.

You may want to do a little of your own research on this topic as well as co-dependency and alcoholism. Good luck.

kokobum

Doormat, you are very good with words!! I have never been able to figure out why she always calls me "controlling", when I consider myself far from that, but the way you put it I understand it, and may even admit to that thank you. Maybe being on here is a giant step to changing it...here's hoping!! I grew up with an alcoholic father (sober 20 years now...yay), perhaps the way I am today is much more deep seeded than I thought

FormerDoormat

That appears to be the case with most of us here. Thanks for the compliment. I must admit that I used to earn my living as a writer. I'm glad I was able to help. SR was really a life saver for me. I've grown so much in the last three years since I joined the forum and my life is much better today. I mainly post here these days to "pay it forward," as others did for me.

keepingmyjoy

Welcome koko....Amazing that it does not seem to matter what gender, the behavior is the same. I am sorry for what you have been through and are going through. So glad you came here. I am new too and have been helped tremendously!

Rella927

Welcome KoKo!

Male/Female the behavior is the same when dealing with A's. I'm sorry for what you are going through-check out the stickies at the top of the page...and keep pluggin to find that right Al-Anon group!

I went to counseling after my husband passed away 17 years ago and found it was not for me! (Tuff codie girl) I was dealing within myself not only the death of my husband, my A brother's, my A sister, my A father ......when you say [quote]I grew up with an alcoholic father (sober 20 years now...yay), perhaps the way I am today is much more deep seeded than I thought[quote] That holds true for alot of us that do not realize it-it takes us time to realize hey this is not how I want to live my life feeling the way that I do! We end up here on the internet searching for help! Alot end up here some do not....

No matter what it is that wakes us up..it is up to us to start making the right choices for our own happiness!

I'm glad you are here koko keep posting!

AskingWhy

Wow KOKO, I can totally totally relate to what you are feeling. Everythign you are feeling and discussing I have felt and continue to do so with my AW. WOW.

Lady BlueMiles

Hi kokobum and welcome.

Those feelings of resentment kept me from trying Alanon for a long time. That and denial and wishful thinking that it would somehow get better.

Until I just recently realized I have issues and I need help.

I can also understand your feelings about the religious part. I vacillate between being agnostic and a transcendental Buddhism type of spirituality. Nothing organized at all. I haven't found religion to be a problem for me in the two meetings I've been to.

Take what you need and leave the rest.