Reia80

I'm 27 and this is about my 100th time trying to quit drinking. I've been drinking for over 10 years, and every time I do, I get completely blasted. I'm not the two drink maximum type of girl. After I turned 21, I pretty much went into a drinking every night cycle. It got worse when I moved into my own apartment with no roommates from 22-26. I drank every night. Now I live with a roommate and I drink every other night, but the days I don't drink, I'm recovering from the night before. I have been to AA meetings, but not consistently. I have tried "rational recovery", but no cigar. I have had a boyfriend for a year that is kinda recognizing that I have an issue. He has never said anything to me before, but I ordered a book called High Bottom Drunk 2 days ago. Today he said, "Yeah, my girlfriend who orders a book about addiction, then gets drunk the next day." I got all defensive and mad, but I know the reason is because I know I have a problem.

When I have gone to AA, I completely related to most of the things people said. And I'm constantly wanting to get sober, except for when the night comes and my brain always, ALWAYS filters my regrets and my shames (most of which, ironically, happened under the influence). I haven't gotten a DUI, although I was in the car when my roommate sheered a fire hydrant and got his (thank god it was just a fire hydrant). I have lost 1 job when I was 19 because I used to come in hung over and late everyday. I haven't hit "rock bottom". But I want to keep my health. I want to live a healthy life. I want to go to AA but am so afraid of what my family and friends will think. I've even told my brother and dad that i think I have a problem with alcohol and they laugh. I feel like I'm so ashamed of my drinking but I'm so ashamed to admit I have a problem. Right now, I hate myself and I hate that I say I'm not going to drink anymore, but am drunk less than 36 hours of that promise to myself.

Sorry, I'm rambling, but I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.

LC

L Ron Hoover

Welcome Reia.

You certainly have the desire to quit. Don't worry about what friends and family have to say. Getting sober is a very personal decision.

I'm sure others will be along soon

Best to you.

LRH

baggervance

Reia
It is a scarry thing to admit you cant control something.I was afraid of what people would think.Everyone I thought I had fooled new better than I.AA was great for me when I did what i was told.You can get sober it's not easy but imho it's worth it.I have ro be beaten down before I take action.Dont worry about your family do this for yourself.

Aysha

Let it out reia...That is the best therapy in my opinin.
Forget what anyone says. This is about you and what you need to do.

Everyone else is irrelevant.
Your sobriety comes first.
It is possible. It will be rough but it will get better.
I will be thinking of you.

igetallnumb

Hello hon,

Im Jennifer Im 26 and Im an addict your not alone dear. There are tons of people here who are recovering Alcoholics who can help you. Please stick around this time. Get some support we will all be here for you. You just have to let us.

And the part about buying a recovery book and drinking the same day .... hey I did that too. I used to read all this stuff about recovery at the same time be high as a damn kite from all the pills I popped. Its like one part of your brain is telling you "hey this is wrong we need to stop lets start doing something about it" and the other part says "sure we can do that but I dont wanna stop using tho" Double edged sword ... we want to get better but we dont wanna leave our comfort zone with drinking or drugs...

Im here for you .... like I said stay around your among friends

Macphisto

I've tried to quit many times before too but I don't think I was ever 100% serious about it till this time around. I would quit for short periods and even got to 6 months once but I always knew i would go back to drinking. I always though "this time I'll just control it and I'll be fine". Nedless to say that NEVER worked and it will NEVER work for me. I think realizing that had gotton me to this point. I have finally realized that I can NEVER drink again and if I do I will go right back to drinking every day like I was before.

I'm onlly sober just a week but somehow this feels different than my other attempts. I tell myself every morning that I will not drink that day and I don't think about what I will do in the future. If I try thinking what I will do in the future it's a scarry thought but as long as I tell myself each day that I will not drink that day it doesn't seem like an impossible task.

Good luck in your journey, you'll find people on here very helpfull

Reia80

I thank you all for your support. I really need it right now.

igetallnumb

hang in there.... trust me we all are

Rowan

Hi LC,

Your post reminded me of soon after my first AA meeting - I did NOT want to be there, I was NOT going to belong to their cult! Suddenly, I didn't think I had a problem. Two days later, I was in a bookstore carrying a book to the cash. The book was called 'You CAN quit drinking without AA' and I realized how absurd this gesture was so I went back to AA and didn't buy the book.

It's awfully hard to quit drinking using willpower alone. There are many recovery programs available, if that's what you choose to assist you, but you really must WANT it. It's hard work! But if you want it, it WILL happen.

Please keep posting. You've found a great place.

Rowan

Taking5

A couple of thoughts here. First, AA in anonymous for a reason. People are not allowed to say who the members are. I have heard of this happenning in small towns, but you have almost zero to worry about in OC CA. There are also hundreds of meetings in OC, anywhere from 6am to midnight, so you will have a lot of choices.

Secondly, I had the same feelings as you about not wanting anyone to know about me going to AA. But when I finally told family, some friends, and work associates, I was overwhelmed by the support I got. My guess is that unless you familiy and friends are real a-holes, your support will be great too.

1_day@_a_time

"I want to go to AA but am so afraid of what my family and friends will think."

It has been my experience, while I may have thought I was fooling most, the fact was, most knew SOMETHING was wrong........

Step One:

“We admitted we were! powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Both the Big Book and the 12 & 12 talk about the word ADMIT.

Question: Can I ADMIT COMPLETE DEFEAT?

Step One is the only step of the twelve that has a dash in the step. This may seem to be a little thing. However, prior to the dash, Bill Wilson is talking about alcohol (the chemical). After the dash, and for the remaining 12 steps, alcohol (as a word), is not mentioned again in the steps. Bill Wilson, from the dash on, is directing the recovering person to the condition of their lives (the “old character” that had to drink verses the “new character” that is learning to live without alcohol or drugs one day at a time). The fundamental position that we must remain clean and sober is the cornerstone of recovery. However, that position is by no means the entire goal of recovery!

The fact you are here and involved in your own recovery says volumes about you!

YOU are worth it!

Tom

parentrecovers

keep posting, lc - blessings, k

carl11

hang in there....stay focused......its about you.....not about opinoons..opinions aren't going to help you if you crash out....

AcceptingChange

Hi,
Your story sounds like the author Caroline Knapp.
She wrote about her very similar situation.
The name of her book is 'Drinking: A Love Story'.
http://www.amazon.com/Drinking-Love-...6237974&sr=8-1

You may really relate to her years of struggling with her addiction before she quit.
She recorded a version for Books on Tape that i listened to about 6 times.
I noticed on Amazon.com that they didn't have the audio version.
I got mine from my local library.

Best of luck! You're only 27. The good news is, you're still relatively young.
Also, i can tell you from personal experience that drinking just gets less pleasurable
as the years go on. So quitting now will help you avoid lots of guaranteed self-inflicted pain and agony in the future.

Hope you keep posting and use SR.com during your recovery.

leeside

I hope you have learned "this time"

Reia80

Thank you for your posts. I have been going to meetings and I am on day 6! Something just feels different this time about my quitting. It doesn't seem so forced upon myself. It's like I really want out of this cycle. But what I'm dreading right now is that my best friend who I've been getting blasted with since I was 14, is getting married. She lives in Wisconsin, but we're supposed to meet in Vegas next weekend for a bachelorette party as I am her maid of honor. I have to go...I can't not go. But I don't want to drink out there. Any thoughts?

Rowan

Congratulations on your sober time, Reia. Thanks for coming back to share that with us. You say you can't not go to the bachelorette party because your are your best friend's maid of honour. You also mention that you have been getting blasted with her since you were 14.
Any thoughts? you asked. Yes! Don't go!
You are now a Recovering Person, and if you really want this cycle to stop, you've got to be willing to change. I know you want to support your friend, but you need to support yourself more. Put yourself, and your recovery first. Your friend will understand.
And, if you're thinking of going anyway, and end up going on a bender, just imagine how you will feel. Remember how poorly you felt when you first got here? Why put yourself, and your loved ones through that?
If I were 6 days sober - no way would I go. In fact, I've got a little bit of sober time accumulated now, but I still wouldn't put myself in that position. My recovery is too important to me.
Let us know what happens. I'm glad you're here with us, Reia.

Rowan

leeside

Maybe you should write down, on paper, all the reasons you want to quit and keep it in a pocket or purse and look at it when you are thinking about drinking.