Ragazza Miele

well, after 5 months of sobriety, my mother-in-law has stepped into my shoes and become her son's new enabler where I stepped out, and is convincing him that he is not an alcoholic. "Alcoholic's beat their wives, they run around on them, yada yada yada". This has a been a very difficult recover for him, yet he's stayed sober, but I'm not so sure for how long at this point. I got a very vicious call from her the other day (AH & I are separated & divorce is pending) and she spouted horrible things about what kind of wife & mother I am and always have been. We were married for 24 years, it's hard to believe she might have had all this simmering underneath. Chances are she hasn't, she just wants to stick this all on my, blame me for the break up of our family. Why! Her son couldn't have any problems. She said he drank because of me. Now when I met him at 15 he had already been drinking since he was 13, so I'm no so sure he was drinking because of me. I find it hard to believe that I hold that much power............any comments? And thanks for the vent of course.

Pick-a-name

((( Ragazza Miele ))) Sorry...btdt

My exFIL went thru pretty much the same thing (my AH "couldn't be an alcoholic because he still had a job and he hadn't been arrested for beating his wife" and "he knew because he is a doctor!" (he left out the part about being an alcoholic retired doctor!) Originally, he encouraged AH to move on (maybe find a younger woman),etc. Well, after 27y AH did divorce me. Now his dad has seen and heard a little more and seems to be a bit quieter.....thinks his son does have some problems (not that he is sure alcoholism is one of them) but that he does need some help. As I said in another post earlier, he seems to think better of me all the time....

Very sad. I have stepped out of it and let the truth find its own way out.

It is very destructive and hard not to cry "foul" but denial is a hard thing to crack,for all of us.

Glad you are here posting

Barbara52

He drank because he chose to, not because of you or anyone else. Don't ever forget that.

denny57

I know I do not hold that much power. I have been fortunate. Even though AH's family continues to enable him, they do not blame me; they see him for how he is. Alcoholism is rampant in his family, as he always liked to say they were Russian Canadians with a little Brit thrown in, so what did I expect. I just see it as them being where I was before educating myself - in denial on what alcoholism is. I think it is scary for a lot of people - the word itself seems to bring up visions of gutters and stumbling drunks for so many.

I don't know if you attend Al-Anon; I highly recommend it. If it's possible, perhaps next time she calls to spew, you could recommend "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence."

splendra

Blame sucks especially if we believe it...

respektingme

Hmmm, aren't controlling mother-in-laws who breast feed their sons into the grave difficult to deal with?

I read a good book, I'm Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Helped me identify my MIL's wicked ways.

However horrible your mother-in-law might be, you were and are only connected to her through her son. Now that you are divorcing him, thank God you no longer have to deal with her. So, I don't know why you had that conversation.

I know if AH and I wind up divorced, it will be a cold day in hell before I ever speak to my mother-in-law. I quit speaking to her and we're still married.

Her head is obviously in the sand. No doubt she never raised him to stand on his own two feet if she's stupid enough to believe that you made him drink. Her son, apparently, can't take responsibility for his own actions.

However, you have made the decision to get him and his poison out of your life. She goes along with that. So out with the baggage. You certainly don't need it. You've made it to this point, so pitch her to the curb.

I can feel myself in your shoes. I have started going to Al-Anon. I feel so much better just realizing that I have choices. And I sure as hell won't choose to let my MIL speak to me as she has done in the past. The days of her manipulating my AH and getting him to side with her are over. They can both take a hike.

minnie

Sheesh, that must be difficult to deal with. My prospective MIL died after my ex and I had been seeing each other for 6 months, but nasty women though I know she was, bizarrely I think she would have been on my "side".

Looking from her side, it must be horrendous to look at someone who you carried for 9 months then raised as a child turn out to be unable to be a productive and participatory member of society, relationships and all. After all, isn't that the job of a parent? I am not saying that she is the reason he turned out that way, but the thought must go through her mind and I would have thought that would be a real soul-destroyer for a parent. And humans do all they can to "be OK", so it is not really surprising that deflecting blame to someone once-removed might come into play. Nor is it therefore surprising that she might try and convince all and sundry that he is not an alcoholic. That doesn't matter, though, because it is not for her to decide. In fact, it's not for you to decide either. Some people never progress beyond that reactiveness and therefore it becomes even more important for us to concentrate on our own recovery. Learning about my own motivations also helped me to understand those of others perhaps a little better.

What other people think of me is none of my business - a cliche, but they are only so because they are true. As long as I know that I am on the right track, others can think what they like.

Pick-a-name

I forgot about that. One time my kids were talking to FIL and and opportunity presented itself. I told him I had just read an informative book that he was welcome to read; "Under thie Influence". I think he did. I hope so.

baggervance

You earth people are horrible driving us poor pityful alcoholics and addicts to drink and use.Also think few of you stole our money wrecked our cars put us in jail beat our dogs and possibly peed in our pants.I know we wouldn't do this to ourselves.

fluffyflea

Well no you don't have that much power because if you did you could have also gotten him sober.

Can you not take her calls?


Earthworm

Ragazza Miele

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I don't have to take her calls anymore. I wanted to tell her to quit feeding him poison and fury, to an already sick-minded person. I'm the one who's going to get hurt if she keeps making him more & more angry with me. He was doing okay in recovery, until she realized that I wasn't coming back no matter what. It was too little too late, but I was happy for him and wish him well. She's mostly pissed because I didn't stay and put up with his crap, her emotional cripple son. It has disrupted her life and that's what it's always about with her - her self-centered self. Wow, she went wild, and I should have hung up but I didn't. I let her have that last say and I didn't bother to tell her what I thought of her. I won't put myself on her low level, and if she truly loved her son, she would help him understand his responsibility to this. I was not perfect, but I didn't send our marriage into a spiraling out of control divorce either.