Brand new; just checking it out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 13
Brand new; just checking it out
This is my first real "act" associated with my problem drinking/alcoholism?Alcoholism runs in my biological and non-biological family. My mother is a dependent drinker, at best; my sister is bipolar and in alcohol recovery (although struggling at present); my stepfather died four years ago at age 56 from alcoholism.
I was always a partier, drinking a lot in high school and college, and even beyond. Not a lot of other drugs; occasionally some pot but I seem to prefer drinking even though it makes me sicker and feel absolutely depressed afterwards. (By the way, Back to Black, I too relate to the "black" in AH's songs.)
I'm in my late 30s now, and the drinking has picked up over the last couple years, especially when I quit smoking about three years ago. In the interim, I got pregnant and didn't drink at all during the pregnancy. Just before getting pregnant, I was getting worried about my drinking: too many hangovers, too many nights without a night off; too many fights over dumb **** with my husband that were solely attributable to my drinking. But then I got pregnant and felt so good not having any toxins in my system, I figured that when the baby came, I'd be in control again. Not so. Only shortly after her arrival, I started up again. It's often the case that I promise myself not to drink and just simply let myself down, although not every night is a bender by any means.
Anyway, I've had some conversations with my husband about my concerns about my drinking. He's a tremendously supportive person, although I will say that he doesn't quite get that I would prefer to *not* stock alcohol in the house since I can't control myself. That, to him, seems nuts since he can control himself. But when I insist that I can't, he does undertand and will refrain from buying it unless I specifically ask him to or buy it myself.
But I just keep thinking that I'm not "that bad" (what will I have to do before I decide I am?) and that maybe I can get ahold of it.
I also have to admit something that is very difficult to say, but I figure that I should do it since it is a barrier for me. I'm highly educated, and I am a person of faith who thinks very philosophically about morality, spirituality and how the divine intervenes (or doesn't) in our lives. The truth is that all of the 12-step stuff seems really hokey and kind of oversimplified, and I fear that people in programs are just thinking for the first time about things I've thought about a long time. I hope you all will forgive me for being honest about this. I also will tell you that my stepfather was also highly educated, and was an aetheist (two excuses he used as avoided getting help for his alcoholism) and we can see where his big brains got him.
I really appreciate the fact that you are all here.
I was always a partier, drinking a lot in high school and college, and even beyond. Not a lot of other drugs; occasionally some pot but I seem to prefer drinking even though it makes me sicker and feel absolutely depressed afterwards. (By the way, Back to Black, I too relate to the "black" in AH's songs.)
I'm in my late 30s now, and the drinking has picked up over the last couple years, especially when I quit smoking about three years ago. In the interim, I got pregnant and didn't drink at all during the pregnancy. Just before getting pregnant, I was getting worried about my drinking: too many hangovers, too many nights without a night off; too many fights over dumb **** with my husband that were solely attributable to my drinking. But then I got pregnant and felt so good not having any toxins in my system, I figured that when the baby came, I'd be in control again. Not so. Only shortly after her arrival, I started up again. It's often the case that I promise myself not to drink and just simply let myself down, although not every night is a bender by any means.
Anyway, I've had some conversations with my husband about my concerns about my drinking. He's a tremendously supportive person, although I will say that he doesn't quite get that I would prefer to *not* stock alcohol in the house since I can't control myself. That, to him, seems nuts since he can control himself. But when I insist that I can't, he does undertand and will refrain from buying it unless I specifically ask him to or buy it myself.
But I just keep thinking that I'm not "that bad" (what will I have to do before I decide I am?) and that maybe I can get ahold of it.
I also have to admit something that is very difficult to say, but I figure that I should do it since it is a barrier for me. I'm highly educated, and I am a person of faith who thinks very philosophically about morality, spirituality and how the divine intervenes (or doesn't) in our lives. The truth is that all of the 12-step stuff seems really hokey and kind of oversimplified, and I fear that people in programs are just thinking for the first time about things I've thought about a long time. I hope you all will forgive me for being honest about this. I also will tell you that my stepfather was also highly educated, and was an aetheist (two excuses he used as avoided getting help for his alcoholism) and we can see where his big brains got him.
I really appreciate the fact that you are all here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Hi and Welcome,
I like your User Name. I think all of us addicts are good people, we just have an awful disease.
It sounds like you're looking for help, but haven't quite decided that you are an alcoholic or not. It's the norm to be in denial about our own addiction. I tried for ages to moderate my drinking and was convinced that I could do it. Of course, it never lasted long and while I was ''controlling'' it, I was also obsessing about it. I couldn't control my drinking and stopping drinking is what works for me. In fact, it was a relief to make that decision.
Many people use AA as a recovery program but there are other recovery methods. I'm not an AA person myself, though I know it works for many. Being in recovery has helped me to return to spirituality in my life.
Here is a list of recovery programs:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
I like your User Name. I think all of us addicts are good people, we just have an awful disease.
It sounds like you're looking for help, but haven't quite decided that you are an alcoholic or not. It's the norm to be in denial about our own addiction. I tried for ages to moderate my drinking and was convinced that I could do it. Of course, it never lasted long and while I was ''controlling'' it, I was also obsessing about it. I couldn't control my drinking and stopping drinking is what works for me. In fact, it was a relief to make that decision.
Many people use AA as a recovery program but there are other recovery methods. I'm not an AA person myself, though I know it works for many. Being in recovery has helped me to return to spirituality in my life.
Here is a list of recovery programs:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 13
Thanks, Anna. And I like your name (it's the same as my daughter's!) Out of curiosity, if you're not an AA person, what do you do? does it involve meetings? Are you comfortable sharing anything more about your story?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Well, I kind of find my own way. When I realized what a mess I was in, I turned to books, which is what I had done my whole life. I began to make changes in my life. I removed certain toxic people almost right away. I learned how to say 'no' and how to believe deeply that I deserved good things in my life. After a few years of sobriety, I found this message boards and I've been around here for years. It's my lifeline. I have found support and understanding and wonderful friends who understand.
I would make one suggestion to you, if you don't mind. "Knowing" things is not necessarily the same thing as "living" those things. I work at it every day - physically, mentally and spiritually.
I would make one suggestion to you, if you don't mind. "Knowing" things is not necessarily the same thing as "living" those things. I work at it every day - physically, mentally and spiritually.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I had tried to moderate and failed, but I didn't relapse after I decided to stop for good.
The book that showed me the way was "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav. It's a book which helped me renew my spiritual journey. I also loved "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. This is a memoir written by a young, highly functional, very intelligent woman and her love affair with alcohol. It inspired me - I knew if she could do it, I could do it.
The book that showed me the way was "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav. It's a book which helped me renew my spiritual journey. I also loved "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. This is a memoir written by a young, highly functional, very intelligent woman and her love affair with alcohol. It inspired me - I knew if she could do it, I could do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by GoodPerson 
IThe truth is that all of the 12-step stuff seems really hokey and kind of oversimplified, and I fear that people in programs are just thinking for the first time about things I've thought about a long time. I hope you all will forgive me for being honest about this.
Hi,
Welcome to SR...As Anna said we are all good people learning how to live life on lifes' terms without drinking.
The Twelve Step program really helped me to THINK about where I was, and where I am...Alcohol numbed my feelings..
Keep posting, we are glad you can join us...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Southwest PA USA
Posts: 339
Welcome GoodPerson.
Look around the forums. Lots of good people and lots of good info.
Only you can decide if you have a problem or not. If you decide you do, there is lots of help, inspiration, and resources available. Keep posting.
Best to you!
BHJ
Look around the forums. Lots of good people and lots of good info.
Only you can decide if you have a problem or not. If you decide you do, there is lots of help, inspiration, and resources available. Keep posting.
Best to you!
BHJ
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