Not Accepting It..or Not Letting It Hurt...How do you get there?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Not Accepting It..or Not Letting It Hurt...How do you get there?
So I've been reading a lot on here...and I see the posts where people say "I finally decided to just not accept any abusive behavior" or "I finally decided to live for myself and let A do whatever they want to do" or "I finally decided that I wasn't going to let A throw me off center anymore and not really care what A does"
The mystery of it all to me is how do I get there??? How do I get to the point where it doesn't hurt when she intentionally does things to pi$$ me off....or intentionally says things...or projects...and all the rest of the stuff that goes on.
How do I get to that point to detach....and remove myself from it mentally/emotionally, if not physically? I just can't comprehend how to do it.
The mystery of it all to me is how do I get there??? How do I get to the point where it doesn't hurt when she intentionally does things to pi$$ me off....or intentionally says things...or projects...and all the rest of the stuff that goes on.
How do I get to that point to detach....and remove myself from it mentally/emotionally, if not physically? I just can't comprehend how to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me, it was when I truly recognized I was powerless over AH's alcoholism and all the related problems and let God take over. I put AH in God's hands and felt the release of responsibility that I had imposed on myself. From there I found my path clear and relatively straight forward. I feel incredible sadness for my AH but no responsibility.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
Here's a good place to start - the first 3 suggested steps of aa/alanon:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I got there when I was ready to. 'I got there' means I'm better than I used to be. I still have to work at it, because recovery is an ongoing thing not something that always 'stays' done. My emotions and the 'day to day' of it keeps me from having it all so neat and tidy _all_ the time. Meetings and more meetings helped me. Taking responsibilty for myself helped me. That meant that I had to set some boundaries and look at my part in what was going on. I learned to do what I needed to regardless of my emotions.
The best thing I can tell you is that after I began to work on my own recovery and see some results...that was often motivation enough to stay the course. Oh...and the main way I learned was from my continued bad decisions, mistakes, slips and failures. I learned the hard way that what I was doing wasn't working and sought others just like you are doing now. I watched and listened and tried to adapt to what worked for them.
The best thing I can tell you is that after I began to work on my own recovery and see some results...that was often motivation enough to stay the course. Oh...and the main way I learned was from my continued bad decisions, mistakes, slips and failures. I learned the hard way that what I was doing wasn't working and sought others just like you are doing now. I watched and listened and tried to adapt to what worked for them.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I think I got there when I realised that there are 6 billion people in the world and I was letting one of them rule my life and that my life and soul was just as important, if not more so to me. Then I built on that.
I'm still alive after leaving, and so is he, as far as I know. He is still doing the same old, same old last I heard and is onto his 3rd fiancee in 2 1/2 years, after 3 marriages and who knows who else. That's quite some going for a 44 year old. I was just another face to distract him from his "stuff".
Difference is, I'm not doing the same old stuff. That I have been in a transition rut for some time is a bummer, however I would not trade it for what went before.
My two favourite threads about this are
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
I'm still alive after leaving, and so is he, as far as I know. He is still doing the same old, same old last I heard and is onto his 3rd fiancee in 2 1/2 years, after 3 marriages and who knows who else. That's quite some going for a 44 year old. I was just another face to distract him from his "stuff".
Difference is, I'm not doing the same old stuff. That I have been in a transition rut for some time is a bummer, however I would not trade it for what went before.
My two favourite threads about this are
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
It's so hard to detach, but you come to the point where you cant physically or mentally take anymore. I read about the illness "under the influence" and read posts here, you realise that you cannot beat alcohol, and that being with the alcoholic in your life is mabye making them worse. It's a roller coater ride from hell i got off several times and jumped back on for more till i couldnt do it anymore. Ive detached from my xab for over two weeks now and i'm stronger than ive ever been; but i still have bad days where i miss him.
One thing i did do when i was with my ab was to record him when he was drunk and abusive, i listen to it now and it makes me realise that i did the right thing for ME.
take care of YOU
M x
One thing i did do when i was with my ab was to record him when he was drunk and abusive, i listen to it now and it makes me realise that i did the right thing for ME.
take care of YOU
M x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I myself could not fully detach until I was no longer living under the same roof. Having a safe haven to retreat to allowed me to accept things as they were. But I'm too thin skinned to stay living in the same house and take that kind of abuse AND detach. Putting some physical distance between us helped me to get clear, get strong again, and even feel love and pity for him. Other people here might be strong enough to do that while living with their alcoholic, but I couldn't.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I couldn't either, GL. I tried for 3 months, however working my own recovery was hard enough, without being in a relationship with someone who was trying to sabotage it. Besides, having started on my recovery, I realised that I deserved more anyway.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I agree with denny. When I feel as if I'm taking myself into crazy-land, I get into a meeting or call someone on my phone list. I work the program. I pray. I hand it over to God. I hand the A over to God. I read inspirational literature. I think it's a combination of working on myself, journaling, reflecting on my own life and part in this "drama", that helps me to detach.
I also keep in mind that hurting people hurt others. I realize that most of the stuff A says is said in black-out, or during a hangover, or just said because he doesn't have the ability to request in a polite manner that his needs be met. Accusing and blaming is a defense mechanism for hurting people. They may want to say, "It hurts me when I feel you are ignoring me," but it comes out as "Why do you have to be such a *(&$(#*& and walk around with your nose up in the air?"
I also keep in mind that hurting people hurt others. I realize that most of the stuff A says is said in black-out, or during a hangover, or just said because he doesn't have the ability to request in a polite manner that his needs be met. Accusing and blaming is a defense mechanism for hurting people. They may want to say, "It hurts me when I feel you are ignoring me," but it comes out as "Why do you have to be such a *(&$(#*& and walk around with your nose up in the air?"
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Asking, I use to ask myself those questions all the time and if you have read some of my posts lately (I still do).
With me I guess its because I love her and care for her safety mainly, but you get to a point of how much more can I take.
Your answers will come when you reach that point. We all have a tolerance point I guess.
Some wonderful people here gave great advise to me, just this morning.
'Letting go is not abandoning her' Accept she has this problem, there is nothing you can do and stop helping her drink.
Good luck
With me I guess its because I love her and care for her safety mainly, but you get to a point of how much more can I take.
Your answers will come when you reach that point. We all have a tolerance point I guess.
Some wonderful people here gave great advise to me, just this morning.
'Letting go is not abandoning her' Accept she has this problem, there is nothing you can do and stop helping her drink.
Good luck
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
Asking - may I suggest reading Getting Them Sober??? It has some great suggestions on detachment - I wish I had gotten my hands on it while I was still with my XAF...I could have saved myself a lot of misery...I am also going to post a poem here that I keep in front of me at the computer - I read it all the time. I am not sure who the author is:Letting Go
To Let Go is not to stop caring
It's recognizing I can't do it for someone else.
To Let Go is not to cut myself off.
It's realizing I can't control another.
To Let Go is not to enable.
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To Let Go is not to fight powerlessness.
But to accept that the outcome is not always in my hands.
To Let Go is not to try to change or blame others.
It's to make the most of myself.
To Let Go is not to care for, it's to care about.
To Let Go is not to fix. It's to be supportive.
To Let Go is not to judge.
It's to allow another to be a human being.
To Let Go is not to try to arrange outcomes.
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To Let Go is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face their own reality.
To Let Go is not to regulate anyone.
But to strive to become what I dream I can be.
To Let Go is not to fear less. It's to Love more.
To Let Go is not to stop caring
It's recognizing I can't do it for someone else.
To Let Go is not to cut myself off.
It's realizing I can't control another.
To Let Go is not to enable.
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To Let Go is not to fight powerlessness.
But to accept that the outcome is not always in my hands.
To Let Go is not to try to change or blame others.
It's to make the most of myself.
To Let Go is not to care for, it's to care about.
To Let Go is not to fix. It's to be supportive.
To Let Go is not to judge.
It's to allow another to be a human being.
To Let Go is not to try to arrange outcomes.
But to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To Let Go is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face their own reality.
To Let Go is not to regulate anyone.
But to strive to become what I dream I can be.
To Let Go is not to fear less. It's to Love more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Just like you have already been told, it takes you getting to a point where YOU cant take it anymore. Nobody can tell you when that will be, you will get your plate full.....and when that happens you will do what is best for you. Some people that happens quicker than others....for me it took years. Just remember NOTHING changes if NOTHING changes.
Love & Hugs
Love & Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
I became so depressed that I had to let go for my own sanity.
Just talking to as or ad on the phone sent me into a tailspin. I can't live with these 2,nor should I have to. They are 33 and 26 respectively and not my dependents anymore. I just wish they realized this as well.
Hopefully, with dad and I not helping them, they will be able to recover.
_______________
Trish
Just talking to as or ad on the phone sent me into a tailspin. I can't live with these 2,nor should I have to. They are 33 and 26 respectively and not my dependents anymore. I just wish they realized this as well.
Hopefully, with dad and I not helping them, they will be able to recover.
_______________
Trish
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
"I finally decided to live for myself and let A do whatever they want to do" or "I finally decided that I wasn't going to let A throw me off center anymore and not really care what A does"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Posts: 26
Dear Asking Why: Detachment is a process. It comes when through experience as you begin to understand that there is nothing you can say or do that is going to change the alcoholic. They live in their world and you live in yours. The only time the two merge is when the alcoholic wants something from you or is trying to manipulate. You finally come to the understanding that their total motivation is for you to clear the way so they can continue to drink: Roof over their head, money, food, believing their lies - anything that clears the way for them to continue on the path they are on. I'm sending you below a definition of what "detachment" actually is - it's a gesture of love for them, for you. It never stops hurting, but you can't be stifled by the hurt. You're dealing with the alcohol. Underneath that is still the someone that you love. It will be a long time before you see that person again unless you get tough with the habit and stop making it easy for them to continue doing what they're doing.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Reading "How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics" chapter 11 "Detachment, Love & Forgiveness"
This is my favorite chapter in this wonderful book - it gives wonderful information about detaching from the A's in our lives, loving and forgiving ourselves and that we are worthy to NOT tolerate unacceptable behaviors.
I lived with active alcoholism/addiction for 10 1/2 yrs in my marriage, then my AH went into recovery, for the next 3 yrs he worked an awesome program of recovery. Now over the past yr & half the disease is slowly but surely becoming a strong hold in his life again. Relapse is an ugly word - but it doesn't have to be plural - thanks to the help I receive by reading Al-Anon literature, attending meetings and reaching out for help from recovery friends - I don't have to relapse too. He may be going back to those old ways, but I don't have to go with him.
Just how I am learning to live a healthier life.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
This is my favorite chapter in this wonderful book - it gives wonderful information about detaching from the A's in our lives, loving and forgiving ourselves and that we are worthy to NOT tolerate unacceptable behaviors.
I lived with active alcoholism/addiction for 10 1/2 yrs in my marriage, then my AH went into recovery, for the next 3 yrs he worked an awesome program of recovery. Now over the past yr & half the disease is slowly but surely becoming a strong hold in his life again. Relapse is an ugly word - but it doesn't have to be plural - thanks to the help I receive by reading Al-Anon literature, attending meetings and reaching out for help from recovery friends - I don't have to relapse too. He may be going back to those old ways, but I don't have to go with him.
Just how I am learning to live a healthier life.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by AskingWhy 
The mystery of it all to me is how do I get there???
Honestly, I think everyone has the best way that suits them and when they are ready to change, it presents itself.
I was going to Al-anon, but not really "getting" any of it because I wasn't ready to hear it.
No-contact was probably the biggest catalyst that sped up the process. I feel I've done more growing personally in the past few months than in the past few years. It's a lot of work on myself to get to that point though - it wasn't like waking up and thinking "I'm done" (though I wish it was that easy!)
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
It took me about 10 minutes into my first meeting. When I told my story, they smiled, and nodded their heads like they knew what I was going to say next.
We actually had a good laugh about it and it was like 2 tons of weight had left my shoulders. I finally realized that there are people in this world who understand and have had the same experiences.
We actually had a good laugh about it and it was like 2 tons of weight had left my shoulders. I finally realized that there are people in this world who understand and have had the same experiences.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
For me, it was all about self love.
When I finally realized that I was valuable, special, and worthy or being happy and being treated with respect and honor, I changed.
I had a fake it till you make it attitude that I had myself believing. I was so in denial about my feelings, that I couldnt see that I wasnt detaching, I was just pretending to not be affected.
Yikes, what wake-up call I received when I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing!
Theres a pretty awsome book called The Flip Side, by Flip Flippen (yes thats the authors name), which isnt about recovery, but is about helping people tackle the personal contraints in life that hold them back. That book is now one of my favorites.
You will get there, its just a journey. When you arrive, you just know!
((hugs))
When I finally realized that I was valuable, special, and worthy or being happy and being treated with respect and honor, I changed.
I had a fake it till you make it attitude that I had myself believing. I was so in denial about my feelings, that I couldnt see that I wasnt detaching, I was just pretending to not be affected.
Yikes, what wake-up call I received when I woke up one day and realized what I had been doing!
Theres a pretty awsome book called The Flip Side, by Flip Flippen (yes thats the authors name), which isnt about recovery, but is about helping people tackle the personal contraints in life that hold them back. That book is now one of my favorites.
You will get there, its just a journey. When you arrive, you just know!
((hugs))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
