queenteree

Hi All, In my last post you guys said I could post here a little off topic, so here goes: You all may know the saga of my daughter who rents from the XFF (Xfamily friend) who I want no part of. XFF definitely has issues and has created more problems than she's worth. Anyway, she has a 21 year old daughter who lives with her. XFF's D and my daughter do not get along (even tho she is Godmother to my daughter's 6 year old). At one point they were close growing up, etc., but when the XFF's daughter slept with my daughter's A husband while my daughter was still married to him and at work supporting her kids, their friendship ended. XFF and her D will stop at nothing to create tension for my DD as there is an intense dislike between them and they even tried to turn me against my own D by making up stores. They always talk down about my daughter. Anyway, my son's fiance (and mother of his child - they live together) had a birthday bash this past weekend where she invited all her friends and my other son and his girlfriend and XFF's D (my son's fiance is not that close with XFF's D). Fiance did not invite my daughter because she doesn't like her (son's fiance is VERY stuck up and thinks our whole family is dysfunctional and looks down upon us, especially my D). My D doesn't care that XFF's D was invited, but XFF and her D are the type who are now gloating over the fact that she is more wanted than my D and it validates their perception of her. I feel sons' fiance used poor judgment when not inviting my D. I will not say anything, it's her choice who she invites and who she doesn't, and I totally understand that. But, in my recovery, where we are supposed to accept things we can't change, courage to change things we can and we are the only ones we control, does that mean I have to still treat my son's fiance (who I was never too fond of anyway) as a daughter, which I have always tried to do, and be there for her and include her in things? I never wanted to, but I always thought I was doing the right thing by accepting her, including her and being there for her. But by her actions of not accepting my daughter, who is basically as much family as fiancee is, and not concerning herself with doing the right thing or feelings involved, shouldn't I be able now to treat her as I please and not be concerned about her feelings? Or is this whole recovery thing about turning the other cheek? (Something I don't think I could do). She has proven to me that other's feelings don't mean anything to her, only her's do, so why should her feelings be of a concern to me? I have been dwelling on this all day. HELP!!! I need to get over it. Thanks.

lovemypup

Is it worth risking losing the relationship you have with your son by cutting out his fiance? I think you need to have boundaries but don't lose your son over trying to teach her a lesson. Its just not worth it.

Barbara52

Perhaps honesty and tolerance?

lostnfound1961

How does your son feel about his sister not getting invited? Since it's his party then I guess it's up to him to be upset about his girlfriends choice of guests. He may not have an issue with it and again it's his party. Maybe you and your doughter can make plans to do something fun that evening?
D

queenteree

lovemypup, I wouldn't exclude her from family functions, etc., after all she is the mother of my grandson and I owe her respect for that, but she will call me if she has an argument with my son, just to vent or for my advice, and I have listened patiently to her, and there are times when she has put my son (both sons) and family members down and I've not said anything, or when included in family things, it seems so fake for her, like she's going thru the motions, I have bent over backward to make her feel welcome (they've been together 7 years), yet I know for a fact she thinks very low of our family, yet I've let it slide. What I mean is, I don't have to be her friend, right, like when she called me to ask me to babysit for her birthday and talked to me for over 2 hours about how great it was going to be, her theme for it, etc. I would just see her when I have family things, which I tend not to do anymore, since my two sons have not been around since RAH went to rehab.

Barbara - what did you mean by honesty and tolerance? Trust me, this girl is very stuck up, always was.

queenteree

lostandfound - no, it was HER birthday party, he had NO say in it. He even told me that if my D found out she wasn't invited to please make sure that I tell her it had nothing to do with him. See, this son is very co-dependent himself and lets people walk all over him, always has.

Barbara52

I'm thinking along the lines of you being honest with her about how you feel about what she says, how she acts etc. Giving her the boundaries you are comfortable with, such as don't call after you've had a fight with my son because you don't want to be in the middle of it or just don't want to hear about it. Don't ask me to babysit unless you will treat me with respect. That sort of thing. And then tolerate what you cannot change or aren't willing to change as far as her behaviors. You can't change her afterall.

In my own life, there are some relationships that require strict civility to maintain at all and if they cross that boundary of polite civil behavior and words, I withdraw from those relationships as much as I need to while still retaining whatever threads I need to. I hope this makes sense to you.

lovemypup

I would have to say if she was cutting down my family then that would be one of my boundaries and I would ask her politely to not talk about my family that way.
If my daughters husband called me to talk to me about fights with my daughter I would have to put a boundary there and tell him that I do not want to hear about it unless it is an emergency of some sort. Otherwise they need to work it out on their own.
Maybe your daughter doesnt want to go to this party anymore than the fiancee wants her there. Maybe its not an issue to her. Other than a bad feeling of not being invited.
As for babysitting the grandchild. I would babysit if I did not have anything else to do that night. The child shouldnt be part of this. First I would probably ask to take my daughter out to dinner that night and maybe shopping and to a movie.
I know its difficult sometimes. You feel as though you are in the middle of your kids arguments. I have been there and I have taken myself out and have told them to try to work it out.

denny57

Did you discuss it with her at all?