Here again after 3 years...
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
Here again after 3 years...
Well,
I find myself here again after at least 2 years and spent the last 2 hours going back and reading all of my posts from years ago and reading my adive to others froma time I went to rehab, out myself there, and went to NA 3 time and got just over 30 days everytime. There are a lot of people that helped me through those times and I havent had a chance yet to look through the directory but i hope they are all still here namely, namommy, hpeirce, chy, gooch, and anna who provided me w. a lot of support when i needed it.
After these years I am here again and I have a beautiful, peferct, sweet , amazing, baby girl named Liliana Joy! When I got pregnant, luckily I founf out such at about 2 weeks into it, b/c I just knew I was pregnant and I was right, I hadnt done too much but was definately concerned when I found out but was so elated that I never felt any type of withdrawels b/c the happiness of having a baby with my husband that I have been with for 12 years overpowered any type of withdrawels or morning sickness and being pregnant was the best 10 moths of my life! I KNOW IT WAS BECASUE I WAS SOBER and REALLY THOGUHT MY HUSBAND WOULD STOP USING AFTER I HAD HER BECAUE IT IS WHAT I HAD DONE AND IT WOULD BE UNFATHOMABLE THAT HE WOULD CONTINUE TO USE AND I WOULD START AGAIN AFTER WE HAD OUR LITTLE FAMILY. I know while I was pregnant I ignored his using becasue I was soo happy and fixated on having her that I really didnt notice or wouldnt let myself be jelous I couldnt do it to becasue I just knew I couldnt period. And I didnt do anything while I was pregnant, not one sip of beer, not one pill, I certainley had craings at first but I kept telling myself that I would "mangle my Baby" in the womb and kept repeating "Mangled Baby" everytime I thought oh just one beer or one pill wont hurt. I know this sounds explicit and I hope I am not offending anyone, but that is what worked for me but now that she is born and I am using again there is nothing I can sat to myself to make myself stop such as I can still mangle her mind by doing this or I am mangeling my body and could die and she would have no mom. NONE OF THIS STOPS ME.
After she was born I was not at all interested in taking benzos or drinking which was my drug of choice but they gave me perkocet in the hospital, even though I was in no pain and check me and the babay out after 24 hours b/c I felt so good. I literally had no pain after the birth but I did have the script for the 60 percs that they gave me for "pelvic pain" which I did not have but I kept taking htem b/c they gave me tremendous energy and I felt like superwoman and since I just had a baby it was easy for me to keeo getting my very large OBGYN practice more and more refills fore the Percocet. Now after all tha damn drugs I was doing in my life which I had planned to stop I was introduced to a new one I loved, when even during all my years of drug use I though I was allergic to any type of pain medication. I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks and have always been a worker and this time off work killed me b/c the baby slept a lot during this time and I didnt want to drink again and for the first time since I was a child I thought beer especially in the afternoon smelled horrible but I got bored and kept taking the percs and drinking.
Fast forward 10 months later and the addiction is back n full force. I could have stayed happy and completely stopped but since my first day out of the hospital my husband was ther with all the pills I could have wanted. SO I was bak to that place again. I still work very hard and never have any problems with that and stil no one knows but I know my life could be mcuh better without all of this. I know the disease progresses while I was pregnant and is now in full force. Adding to that when I went back to work, I am the "bread winner" of the faimly after having the baby I was laid of. Tehy said it was to company but I know it was because I had a baby and could no longer work 15 hours a day for them even though I loved doing it. I had to work the good old 9-5 b/c my husband works for a hotel and carries our insurance so altough he makes quite a bit less money he has to stay where he is so I got a 9-5 making great money but with the day care expenses and everything that goes along with the baby and having a husband that works night and weekends and having no family close by makes me feel lik a single parent. Not only do I bring in most of the money and have most of the house hold chores I am also going to school to finish my degree which I have been doing since before I was pregnant and will continue doing b/c I know if I stope for a semester I wont go back and I want my degree so I can tell my baby her mom is a college graduate.
I know this is a lot of information for anyone but I want to give all the active members here the who picture b/c I really need help. I take at least 5 10 mg valium a day, drink at least 8 16 oz. beers a day and have recently started to snort subutex which is basically heroin b/c that is what they gave my husband when after we had the baby we were trying to help him with his 4 year addicton to hydrocodone. But now I am sniffing that stuff everyday, after work,(Ii never do drugs at work) in addition to working full time, takaing care of our baby, taking care of the house, and going to school.
I know the one thing I am not doing right now and not doing since I gave birth is taking care of myself. I dont look unhealthy and everyone tells me I look pretty all of the time but i know that my indides are screaming out for help. I am always sick, eith direhhe(sp) or constipation, or tiredness, dizzyness, irritable, or angry and I know that is becasue of the drugs.
I want to go to aa b/c I went to na before and loved it and felt like the people there could relate but the amount of meetings are much more limited I just dont know how I will find the time. I know that recovery should and must come first but when you work full time and have to, my husband works the exact opposite schedule and I go to school and just got an academic scholarship and veterans benefits which meas I cant stop any of those things right now no matter what . So I am defiantely going to try to go to the very first AA meeting I can b/c I know I need help but just dont know when I can get to one. Ther eis no way I can do 90 in 90 days but I have to do something and hopefuylly now remembering that there are online meetings I can find some help.
I have rambeled on for long enough and have to feed the baby so thank for still beeing here I know I need all the help I can get.
Please send me a not to encourage me and let me know what you would do if you were in my situation and if you have been sober for a good amount of time, let me know how you did it.
All the best,
Christine
want2bclean
I find myself here again after at least 2 years and spent the last 2 hours going back and reading all of my posts from years ago and reading my adive to others froma time I went to rehab, out myself there, and went to NA 3 time and got just over 30 days everytime. There are a lot of people that helped me through those times and I havent had a chance yet to look through the directory but i hope they are all still here namely, namommy, hpeirce, chy, gooch, and anna who provided me w. a lot of support when i needed it.
After these years I am here again and I have a beautiful, peferct, sweet , amazing, baby girl named Liliana Joy! When I got pregnant, luckily I founf out such at about 2 weeks into it, b/c I just knew I was pregnant and I was right, I hadnt done too much but was definately concerned when I found out but was so elated that I never felt any type of withdrawels b/c the happiness of having a baby with my husband that I have been with for 12 years overpowered any type of withdrawels or morning sickness and being pregnant was the best 10 moths of my life! I KNOW IT WAS BECASUE I WAS SOBER and REALLY THOGUHT MY HUSBAND WOULD STOP USING AFTER I HAD HER BECAUE IT IS WHAT I HAD DONE AND IT WOULD BE UNFATHOMABLE THAT HE WOULD CONTINUE TO USE AND I WOULD START AGAIN AFTER WE HAD OUR LITTLE FAMILY. I know while I was pregnant I ignored his using becasue I was soo happy and fixated on having her that I really didnt notice or wouldnt let myself be jelous I couldnt do it to becasue I just knew I couldnt period. And I didnt do anything while I was pregnant, not one sip of beer, not one pill, I certainley had craings at first but I kept telling myself that I would "mangle my Baby" in the womb and kept repeating "Mangled Baby" everytime I thought oh just one beer or one pill wont hurt. I know this sounds explicit and I hope I am not offending anyone, but that is what worked for me but now that she is born and I am using again there is nothing I can sat to myself to make myself stop such as I can still mangle her mind by doing this or I am mangeling my body and could die and she would have no mom. NONE OF THIS STOPS ME.
After she was born I was not at all interested in taking benzos or drinking which was my drug of choice but they gave me perkocet in the hospital, even though I was in no pain and check me and the babay out after 24 hours b/c I felt so good. I literally had no pain after the birth but I did have the script for the 60 percs that they gave me for "pelvic pain" which I did not have but I kept taking htem b/c they gave me tremendous energy and I felt like superwoman and since I just had a baby it was easy for me to keeo getting my very large OBGYN practice more and more refills fore the Percocet. Now after all tha damn drugs I was doing in my life which I had planned to stop I was introduced to a new one I loved, when even during all my years of drug use I though I was allergic to any type of pain medication. I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks and have always been a worker and this time off work killed me b/c the baby slept a lot during this time and I didnt want to drink again and for the first time since I was a child I thought beer especially in the afternoon smelled horrible but I got bored and kept taking the percs and drinking.
Fast forward 10 months later and the addiction is back n full force. I could have stayed happy and completely stopped but since my first day out of the hospital my husband was ther with all the pills I could have wanted. SO I was bak to that place again. I still work very hard and never have any problems with that and stil no one knows but I know my life could be mcuh better without all of this. I know the disease progresses while I was pregnant and is now in full force. Adding to that when I went back to work, I am the "bread winner" of the faimly after having the baby I was laid of. Tehy said it was to company but I know it was because I had a baby and could no longer work 15 hours a day for them even though I loved doing it. I had to work the good old 9-5 b/c my husband works for a hotel and carries our insurance so altough he makes quite a bit less money he has to stay where he is so I got a 9-5 making great money but with the day care expenses and everything that goes along with the baby and having a husband that works night and weekends and having no family close by makes me feel lik a single parent. Not only do I bring in most of the money and have most of the house hold chores I am also going to school to finish my degree which I have been doing since before I was pregnant and will continue doing b/c I know if I stope for a semester I wont go back and I want my degree so I can tell my baby her mom is a college graduate.
I know this is a lot of information for anyone but I want to give all the active members here the who picture b/c I really need help. I take at least 5 10 mg valium a day, drink at least 8 16 oz. beers a day and have recently started to snort subutex which is basically heroin b/c that is what they gave my husband when after we had the baby we were trying to help him with his 4 year addicton to hydrocodone. But now I am sniffing that stuff everyday, after work,(Ii never do drugs at work) in addition to working full time, takaing care of our baby, taking care of the house, and going to school.
I know the one thing I am not doing right now and not doing since I gave birth is taking care of myself. I dont look unhealthy and everyone tells me I look pretty all of the time but i know that my indides are screaming out for help. I am always sick, eith direhhe(sp) or constipation, or tiredness, dizzyness, irritable, or angry and I know that is becasue of the drugs.
I want to go to aa b/c I went to na before and loved it and felt like the people there could relate but the amount of meetings are much more limited I just dont know how I will find the time. I know that recovery should and must come first but when you work full time and have to, my husband works the exact opposite schedule and I go to school and just got an academic scholarship and veterans benefits which meas I cant stop any of those things right now no matter what . So I am defiantely going to try to go to the very first AA meeting I can b/c I know I need help but just dont know when I can get to one. Ther eis no way I can do 90 in 90 days but I have to do something and hopefuylly now remembering that there are online meetings I can find some help.
I have rambeled on for long enough and have to feed the baby so thank for still beeing here I know I need all the help I can get.
Please send me a not to encourage me and let me know what you would do if you were in my situation and if you have been sober for a good amount of time, let me know how you did it.
All the best,
Christine
want2bclean
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi Christine and Welcome Back,
I'm so glad you have a beautiful baby!
The disease of addiction is progressive and I think that is what you're finding now. It will get worse unless it is stopped.
I would suggest that you talk to your dr about what to do. He will be able to tell you a safe way to get off the valium and whether or not it is safe for you to stop drinking cold turkey. I know that you need to do whatever it takes to get sober. It won't be easy, but you can do it.
I'm so glad you have a beautiful baby!
The disease of addiction is progressive and I think that is what you're finding now. It will get worse unless it is stopped.
I would suggest that you talk to your dr about what to do. He will be able to tell you a safe way to get off the valium and whether or not it is safe for you to stop drinking cold turkey. I know that you need to do whatever it takes to get sober. It won't be easy, but you can do it.
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
i remember your name
From yeas ago it is so comforting to know that you are sttill here. GREAT FOR YOU!!! Thank you for your reply, I know what I ahve to doi and luckily I am not taking too much stuff now so it should be easy to stop it is stayinf stopped that is that hardes I know if I can do it I will be as happy as I was hen I was pregnant. But I know I need to go to AA, I am just scared they will tell me I am doing too mcuh right now and I know sobriety coems first but I only have so many months of VA benefits so stopping school now is out of the question, I have to work ful time and I will never give up on my husband so I dont want anyone to tell me I have to stop ay=ny of those things.
As for the hereditary disease I know my mother is an alcoholic I had a rough life with, I have not seen her in over 14 years and I am 31, and my younger sister has hep c and isnt getting treating b.c she is still using my dad is a recovering alcoholic so I know the cards are stacked against me and my daughter so I have to stop to give her a chance.
Thank you sooo much for responding. DO you know when the next online meeting is.
Also, do you know if hpeirce, namommy, histteach, gooch or chy are still around they helped me a lot before and I have never forgotten then, just haven had a sec to see of they are still on board,
Thank you,
Christine <3C
As for the hereditary disease I know my mother is an alcoholic I had a rough life with, I have not seen her in over 14 years and I am 31, and my younger sister has hep c and isnt getting treating b.c she is still using my dad is a recovering alcoholic so I know the cards are stacked against me and my daughter so I have to stop to give her a chance.
Thank you sooo much for responding. DO you know when the next online meeting is.
Also, do you know if hpeirce, namommy, histteach, gooch or chy are still around they helped me a lot before and I have never forgotten then, just haven had a sec to see of they are still on board,
Thank you,
Christine <3C
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Welcome back christine.
Your desperation really comes through in your post. After i finished reading it i realized I stopped breathing.
You seem like you need to slow down. You just seem really overwhelmed.
I need to slow down also, let me back up a frame and congratulate you on the birth of your daughter.
Its sounds like your schedule doesnt allow anytime for you to take care of you. im having a hard time staying clean myself, but one thing I know is that as soon as I start to get busy and forget to take care of the things that keep me well and sober I lose it completely.
I too love the benzos and alcohol, and I had to go to detox and rehab to stop. Unfortunately when it came to the alcohol I couldnt stay stopped, but detox and rehab did help. Have you given any though to that? you mentioned something about scholarships and veterans benefits. I can tell yopu from experience I kept putting everything before my sobriety especially school, but after 9 years and 6 classes away from my BA I lost it.
you have a beautiful young daughter. If you think meetings help you than no matter how busy try to get to one.
If you feel like you are to busy to go to detox try to taper off a little.
Im really having a hard time here myself so I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, but I have been where you are with the benzos and I know the longer you do them the harder it is to get off them.
Your desperation really comes through in your post. After i finished reading it i realized I stopped breathing.
You seem like you need to slow down. You just seem really overwhelmed.
I need to slow down also, let me back up a frame and congratulate you on the birth of your daughter.
Its sounds like your schedule doesnt allow anytime for you to take care of you. im having a hard time staying clean myself, but one thing I know is that as soon as I start to get busy and forget to take care of the things that keep me well and sober I lose it completely.
I too love the benzos and alcohol, and I had to go to detox and rehab to stop. Unfortunately when it came to the alcohol I couldnt stay stopped, but detox and rehab did help. Have you given any though to that? you mentioned something about scholarships and veterans benefits. I can tell yopu from experience I kept putting everything before my sobriety especially school, but after 9 years and 6 classes away from my BA I lost it.
you have a beautiful young daughter. If you think meetings help you than no matter how busy try to get to one.
If you feel like you are to busy to go to detox try to taper off a little.
Im really having a hard time here myself so I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, but I have been where you are with the benzos and I know the longer you do them the harder it is to get off them.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi Christine,
I have addiction in my family too, but you can stop the cycle with your recovery. And, you're right, staying stopped is the hard part. It takes a lot of work. I do understand how busy you are and the things that are important to you, but remember that none of it will matter if addiction takes over your life. I'm not saying you need to give up everything, but I truly believe that recovery has to be a priority.
Namommy and Historyteach are still here. This really is a great place for support. For me it is my lifeline. Unfortunately our Chat option is broken so we aren't having online meetings at the moment. But, there is lots of good reading here and lots of inspiration.
I have addiction in my family too, but you can stop the cycle with your recovery. And, you're right, staying stopped is the hard part. It takes a lot of work. I do understand how busy you are and the things that are important to you, but remember that none of it will matter if addiction takes over your life. I'm not saying you need to give up everything, but I truly believe that recovery has to be a priority.
Namommy and Historyteach are still here. This really is a great place for support. For me it is my lifeline. Unfortunately our Chat option is broken so we aren't having online meetings at the moment. But, there is lots of good reading here and lots of inspiration.
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
anna
I tried the chat option and it seems to be working but there is just no one there. It would be really great to be able to do an online meeitng today. Oh well at elast I am here.
christine <3C
christine <3C
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
BY THE WAY...
BUPE IS SO NOT 'Basically Heroin'.
Oxycodone is 'Basically Heroin' my dear.
Bupe is a technologically SUPERIOR substitute for Methadone.
Again, you are 10x better off on Bupe than you are on Oxycodone, you can take that to the BANK baby.
You're doing the right thing there.
BUPE IS SO NOT 'Basically Heroin'.
Oxycodone is 'Basically Heroin' my dear.
Bupe is a technologically SUPERIOR substitute for Methadone.
Again, you are 10x better off on Bupe than you are on Oxycodone, you can take that to the BANK baby.
You're doing the right thing there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
On second thought, I should've read your entire post. The fact that you're on benzos and booze definitely complicates the situation. I was thinking we're dealing with straight Narc addiction. I'm gonna have to go ahead and strongly advise talking to a medical professional for your situation, and being very honest with them. I probably WOULD NOT go back and see the doc that got you hooked on the Percs, though ... Just a bit of friendly advice. Talk to a doctor that specializes in addiction issues, and tell them the whole truth. You have a pretty serious situation going in terms of your detox... Not to worry you, you'll be fine, you probably just shouldn't try to do it at home is all I'm saying ... But again, ask a real doctor, don't rely on me for ANYTHING resembling real medical advice...
And ... one last thing ... Subutex exists SO THAT YOU CAN WORK even though you're addicted to narcotics. You say you take it 'after work', well, if that makes you feel better, cool. But the fact is, it doesn't get you high, and it lasts 48-72 hours after you take it ... sooo ... you're still taking 'drugs' at 'work'. The good news is, again, that's what Bupe is for. Keeping your addiction stabilized without making you spacy or on the 'up-down' rollercoaster so that you can work despite dependency on opioids...
AGAIN, NOT a doctor here, but ... I invite you to look up anything I tell you, and I'm confident you'll find it accurate. That's all I'm going to say for now on this.
And ... one last thing ... Subutex exists SO THAT YOU CAN WORK even though you're addicted to narcotics. You say you take it 'after work', well, if that makes you feel better, cool. But the fact is, it doesn't get you high, and it lasts 48-72 hours after you take it ... sooo ... you're still taking 'drugs' at 'work'. The good news is, again, that's what Bupe is for. Keeping your addiction stabilized without making you spacy or on the 'up-down' rollercoaster so that you can work despite dependency on opioids...
AGAIN, NOT a doctor here, but ... I invite you to look up anything I tell you, and I'm confident you'll find it accurate. That's all I'm going to say for now on this.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Welcome to SR...
It looks like you are taking enough stuff to kill you, much less be there completely
to take care of your baby's needs...
50 mg is fairly high for Valium alone..added with the other stuff..whew..
Please see a good doctor and be totally honest about your long term history
of substance abuse. This is the only way they can help you to get and
maintain sobriety..
AA is fantastic...
And..I would strongly suggest you try a couple of Alanon meetings.
You will find friends there and no one will tell you to leave your husband..
it is just a support group that will help you to maintain sobreity of mind.
Recovering alcoholic and benzo addict here...
All my love,
IO
It looks like you are taking enough stuff to kill you, much less be there completely
to take care of your baby's needs...
50 mg is fairly high for Valium alone..added with the other stuff..whew..
Please see a good doctor and be totally honest about your long term history
of substance abuse. This is the only way they can help you to get and
maintain sobriety..
AA is fantastic...
And..I would strongly suggest you try a couple of Alanon meetings.
You will find friends there and no one will tell you to leave your husband..
it is just a support group that will help you to maintain sobreity of mind.
Recovering alcoholic and benzo addict here...
All my love,
IO
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