TOPIC: NEWCOMERS & ELDERS Needing Help With New & Old Relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
TOPIC: NEWCOMERS & ELDERS Needing Help With New & Old Relationships.
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the Grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent had a
drink of alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
I brought this topic here to the
"Newcomers" Thread basically
because I AM A NEWCOMER
just beginning to learn the right
way to behave when it comes
time to enter a new relationship.
We have all be in relationships that
have been posioned my our disease.
I should know that first hand
because Ive been there done that
for the past 25 yrs.
However here i am 16 yrs sober....
newly separated...and if there ever
comes a time that i would like to meet
someone new or possibly return to what
I already have....then i will need some new
directions, suggestion, guidance first
in order to have a HEALTHIER relation-
ship.
I go to meetings and yes my old
behavior is alive and well....i look, i seek,
i wonder, i wish, and yet i know that this
approach is sick.
All the men i see as potential guys id like
to date r also married....DARN....lol And
yet, to pursue them is totally wrong....
See i have that knowledge of what is
right and wrong havin learned it the past
16 yrs....so now i have to put into
action what it is that i have learned about
relationships.
I want a healthy relationship with everyone.
I want to be the one that people will say ,
She works a good program and has a
wonderful relationships with everyone.
That I am liked and admired by many.
That is one of the rewards id like to
carry with me to the end if nothing else.
And so the topic would be....treat others
the way ud like to be treated. I dont want
to go into the religion part of this however
spirituality is a big part of our recovery.
If it were so easy for us to just treat each
other in a Christlike manner....and it all begins
right there in our own emmediate families.
Did ur parents show love and compassion to
each other? Did they honor each other?
If we didnt have the right examples
growing up then how are we to know
what to do now
in new and old relationships?
I guess i never had real good roll models
to teach me all there was to know
about realtionships because
it was already posioned by abuse and
addiction.
However today I am Willing to remain
openminded and teachable to be honest
as best as i know how in all my affairs.
We have to begin with the baby steps first.
Thanks for letting me share.
By the Grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent had a
drink of alcohol since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
I brought this topic here to the
"Newcomers" Thread basically
because I AM A NEWCOMER
just beginning to learn the right
way to behave when it comes
time to enter a new relationship.
We have all be in relationships that
have been posioned my our disease.
I should know that first hand
because Ive been there done that
for the past 25 yrs.
However here i am 16 yrs sober....
newly separated...and if there ever
comes a time that i would like to meet
someone new or possibly return to what
I already have....then i will need some new
directions, suggestion, guidance first
in order to have a HEALTHIER relation-
ship.
I go to meetings and yes my old
behavior is alive and well....i look, i seek,
i wonder, i wish, and yet i know that this
approach is sick.
All the men i see as potential guys id like
to date r also married....DARN....lol And
yet, to pursue them is totally wrong....
See i have that knowledge of what is
right and wrong havin learned it the past
16 yrs....so now i have to put into
action what it is that i have learned about
relationships.
I want a healthy relationship with everyone.
I want to be the one that people will say ,
She works a good program and has a
wonderful relationships with everyone.
That I am liked and admired by many.
That is one of the rewards id like to
carry with me to the end if nothing else.
And so the topic would be....treat others
the way ud like to be treated. I dont want
to go into the religion part of this however
spirituality is a big part of our recovery.
If it were so easy for us to just treat each
other in a Christlike manner....and it all begins
right there in our own emmediate families.
Did ur parents show love and compassion to
each other? Did they honor each other?
If we didnt have the right examples
growing up then how are we to know
what to do now
in new and old relationships?
I guess i never had real good roll models
to teach me all there was to know
about realtionships because
it was already posioned by abuse and
addiction.
However today I am Willing to remain
openminded and teachable to be honest
as best as i know how in all my affairs.
We have to begin with the baby steps first.
Thanks for letting me share.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Sharon,
This is a good topic. I had bad role models too when I was growing up, many of us do. I knew what I didn't want and not what I did want. So, I spent my energy in a negative way. And, I had some negative relationships. When I became sober, I learned about what I did want and I began to move in a positive direction and to feel positive about myself. Consequently, I have found some new and wonderful relationships. I think it is about knowing yourself and being true to yourself.
This is a good topic. I had bad role models too when I was growing up, many of us do. I knew what I didn't want and not what I did want. So, I spent my energy in a negative way. And, I had some negative relationships. When I became sober, I learned about what I did want and I began to move in a positive direction and to feel positive about myself. Consequently, I have found some new and wonderful relationships. I think it is about knowing yourself and being true to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
The Big Book and 12 x 12 both say that interpersonal relationships are not one of our strong points.
From "The bedivelments":
I am just starting anew on this relationship thing. To be honest, I have NO idea what to do. I know what NOT to do, however. That is, what I used to do.
But yeah, treating others as I'd like to be treated. Being open, honest, humble, giving, I think that's a good start.
From "The bedivelments":
We were having trouble with personal relationships
But yeah, treating others as I'd like to be treated. Being open, honest, humble, giving, I think that's a good start.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Sharon, I loved my parents so much, but no they were not the best role models for relationships. They drank, they fought, that was the cycle they repeated over and over. Naturally, I did the same over 24 years of relationships and drinking.
I find good and bad role models in the rooms of recovery. Like you, I remain teachable and open-minded. Most of all I try to observe, to learn from the behavior of others what I want and don't want in a relationship.
What's been helping me lately is reading the book "Mars And Venus On A Date" (and now I'll go cut up my Man Card) ;-)
I find good and bad role models in the rooms of recovery. Like you, I remain teachable and open-minded. Most of all I try to observe, to learn from the behavior of others what I want and don't want in a relationship.
What's been helping me lately is reading the book "Mars And Venus On A Date" (and now I'll go cut up my Man Card) ;-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
i don't think there's a perfect relationship Sharon..just like our recovery.
All we can do i treid to do the best that we can..becuase things change
and life change. Of course we all what the a decent life or a healty life,
but relistically it's not like that..We always think that those stuff only happens
to other people..You know..all that pain stuff ,the life on life's terms stuff.
Just like we thought we're weren't alcoholics until it hits home.
it's in the BB somewhere..We must learned how to love again, even
if we loose in love
We must participate in life and not stand on the side lines.
I have to get a sponsor to help me it. I went through a long
term relationship break up in recovery..and it felt weird as heck to
be dating at 30. i was daddy and settle down, so having lived like
that for over 5 years..I got comfortable with that. And all the stupid
mind trip you go through..I felt old..you know what i mean.
Having to date again was like a shock.
Then my Gf and I went through a seperation..we broke up , we get back
,we broke up, we get back..She relasped.
So i tried to move on with my life...holly crap man..at 38 and i have to
date again ??? i felt really stupid old or wierd having to do that.
Or i felt silly becuase i deem myself too grown up..
Put away the pride..get silly. Have fun, get rejected, or stand guys up.
date a couple of guys or three or four...dating oki doki, it's call dating.
Get out of your comfort zone..face everything and recover.
if being clean and sober ment that life was easy all the time..will of course
anyone can do it..and why the heck read the BB, work the steps, go to meeeting
and get a sponsor.
it's when life is a pain in the ass..that you still stay clean and sober thorugh it all
that's when the program actaully works at it's best.
In other words...your recovery gets put through the acid test.
gee whizz ..sharon..you mean a guy hasn't came to the bakery
everyday scoping you out yet ? I mean, a southern belle like you alt to
trun some heads
Or his has..but you havn't notice..lol
All we can do i treid to do the best that we can..becuase things change
and life change. Of course we all what the a decent life or a healty life,
but relistically it's not like that..We always think that those stuff only happens
to other people..You know..all that pain stuff ,the life on life's terms stuff.
Just like we thought we're weren't alcoholics until it hits home.
it's in the BB somewhere..We must learned how to love again, even
if we loose in love
We must participate in life and not stand on the side lines.
I have to get a sponsor to help me it. I went through a long
term relationship break up in recovery..and it felt weird as heck to
be dating at 30. i was daddy and settle down, so having lived like
that for over 5 years..I got comfortable with that. And all the stupid
mind trip you go through..I felt old..you know what i mean.
Having to date again was like a shock.
Then my Gf and I went through a seperation..we broke up , we get back
,we broke up, we get back..She relasped.
So i tried to move on with my life...holly crap man..at 38 and i have to
date again ??? i felt really stupid old or wierd having to do that.
Or i felt silly becuase i deem myself too grown up..
Put away the pride..get silly. Have fun, get rejected, or stand guys up.
date a couple of guys or three or four...dating oki doki, it's call dating.
Get out of your comfort zone..face everything and recover.
if being clean and sober ment that life was easy all the time..will of course
anyone can do it..and why the heck read the BB, work the steps, go to meeeting
and get a sponsor.
it's when life is a pain in the ass..that you still stay clean and sober thorugh it all
that's when the program actaully works at it's best.
In other words...your recovery gets put through the acid test.
gee whizz ..sharon..you mean a guy hasn't came to the bakery
everyday scoping you out yet ? I mean, a southern belle like you alt to
trun some heads
Or his has..but you havn't notice..lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Ok Satit...lol sure im scoping out the guys...one is coming
in the bakery and just the other day one of my coworkers
told him he had an admirer ....of course i was in the back
somewheres and wasnt there when she told him that....whew..lol
He did come in the next day and i waited on him....however
i played it cool...lol....didnt lead on that it was I who has
a "crush"on him...lol NOT...! lol
Ok so i go to my "rolex" meeting yesterday,,,i show up all prim
and proper...lol i know im full of it....lol and a tray of goodies...
I lay the tray down and walk to the fountain to get my water....
2 men are back there with me...one says...i have a gift for you...
Moi...lol and he gives me a hug....oh how nice...then the other
older man felt like he needed to give me a hug too....lol so i hugged
him....lol and complimented both for having the same color
shirt on....lol...small talk....
I go find a place to sit and spot one of my buddies,,,,i asked if
i could sit with him and he smiled and said of course....so i sit
and we chat...i flirted complimented him on his nice tan...so he
talked aout him and his wife and a trip....lol...
Then another buddy walks up and i signaled him to sit in
the chair at my left...i said only if he wanted to....well he flirted
back and said only if he could sit next to me....lol....he too is married....
Then....lol...a 3 guy walks up and decided to sit next to the man
to my right...i spotted him at the table where i dropped of my
tray and said...It's Will isnt it...lol and he comments the last he
remembered....lol...so he sat down....
WHEW....surrounded by MEN...lol Then one of my other
buddies sat at the big tale turned around to signal me that he
got his favorite crackers i esp placed on the tray for him....lol
Yep...i sure know how to play,,,,lol
but u know what....not a single guy will call me or ask me for my
number...i mean i did hand out my bakery card with my
number on it....but no one has crossed the line
I may goof off and flirt but honestly...i am being cautious and
serious about future relationships....
I think if i could be finacially secure and to never have to
depend on a man that way then ill be ok.
I remain teachable and funny as much as possible....lol
in the bakery and just the other day one of my coworkers
told him he had an admirer ....of course i was in the back
somewheres and wasnt there when she told him that....whew..lol
He did come in the next day and i waited on him....however
i played it cool...lol....didnt lead on that it was I who has
a "crush"on him...lol NOT...! lol
Ok so i go to my "rolex" meeting yesterday,,,i show up all prim
and proper...lol i know im full of it....lol and a tray of goodies...
I lay the tray down and walk to the fountain to get my water....
2 men are back there with me...one says...i have a gift for you...
Moi...lol and he gives me a hug....oh how nice...then the other
older man felt like he needed to give me a hug too....lol so i hugged
him....lol and complimented both for having the same color
shirt on....lol...small talk....
I go find a place to sit and spot one of my buddies,,,,i asked if
i could sit with him and he smiled and said of course....so i sit
and we chat...i flirted complimented him on his nice tan...so he
talked aout him and his wife and a trip....lol...
Then another buddy walks up and i signaled him to sit in
the chair at my left...i said only if he wanted to....well he flirted
back and said only if he could sit next to me....lol....he too is married....
Then....lol...a 3 guy walks up and decided to sit next to the man
to my right...i spotted him at the table where i dropped of my
tray and said...It's Will isnt it...lol and he comments the last he
remembered....lol...so he sat down....
WHEW....surrounded by MEN...lol Then one of my other
buddies sat at the big tale turned around to signal me that he
got his favorite crackers i esp placed on the tray for him....lol
Yep...i sure know how to play,,,,lol
but u know what....not a single guy will call me or ask me for my
number...i mean i did hand out my bakery card with my
number on it....but no one has crossed the line
I may goof off and flirt but honestly...i am being cautious and
serious about future relationships....
I think if i could be finacially secure and to never have to
depend on a man that way then ill be ok.
I remain teachable and funny as much as possible....lol
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
What can i say..all the crazy ones are taken..lol
There you go, my sponsor made me date..
I cried for like almost 4 months and he got tire of it. I got comfortable with that.
Just different stages of it sharon.. i was scare **** less asking a woman
out again..then I got rejected..then when i finally got a date, i got
stood up..That's what sponsor are for...
then the next I knew, i had all these women calling me.
I even manage to date two women with same name...lol
that made it easy..lol the i got comfortable doing that..
holly schmolly being single is kind of fun, then i just had to go fall in love..lol
yeap growning up in another or just living I guess.
Better then sitting at home and beating up on myself or feeling sorry for myself.
Basicailly my sponsor said he was going to kick my but if i sit home alone
and call him. He let cried enough i guess...lol
anyway, all the women that I ever got into a long term relationship
with asked me out...Yes, even the ex-wife.lol
There you go, my sponsor made me date..
I cried for like almost 4 months and he got tire of it. I got comfortable with that.
Just different stages of it sharon.. i was scare **** less asking a woman
out again..then I got rejected..then when i finally got a date, i got
stood up..That's what sponsor are for...
then the next I knew, i had all these women calling me.
I even manage to date two women with same name...lol
that made it easy..lol the i got comfortable doing that..
holly schmolly being single is kind of fun, then i just had to go fall in love..lol
yeap growning up in another or just living I guess.
Better then sitting at home and beating up on myself or feeling sorry for myself.
Basicailly my sponsor said he was going to kick my but if i sit home alone
and call him. He let cried enough i guess...lol
anyway, all the women that I ever got into a long term relationship
with asked me out...Yes, even the ex-wife.lol
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Eagles...
There's gonna be a heartache tonite
A heartache tonite
I know....
STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED GUYS...
Just be careful..I'd hate to see ya get hurt, Sharon.
I thought a guy was my destiny because he sat next
to me. He had a moon tatto on his left wrist and a sun
on his right. I wore a sun and moon bracelet..
and a moon earring o my left..a sun earring on my right..
It was dynamite...shouldn't have tho..he just couldn't
stay sober and I relapsed with weed with him.
He was a a beautiful young man who died from liver failure
6 years ago...it literally burst open at the end.
I sense you are vulnerable, Sharon.
Just..be very careful.
All my love,
:
IO
There's gonna be a heartache tonite
A heartache tonite
I know....
STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED GUYS...
Just be careful..I'd hate to see ya get hurt, Sharon.
I thought a guy was my destiny because he sat next
to me. He had a moon tatto on his left wrist and a sun
on his right. I wore a sun and moon bracelet..
and a moon earring o my left..a sun earring on my right..
It was dynamite...shouldn't have tho..he just couldn't
stay sober and I relapsed with weed with him.
He was a a beautiful young man who died from liver failure
6 years ago...it literally burst open at the end.
I sense you are vulnerable, Sharon.
Just..be very careful.
All my love,
:IO
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Lord, I am powerless over my desires too....
I think a key to a relationship is to slow down and not move too fast. Get to know someone before you give them you heart.
I have a friend who wants everyone to always like her and never be mad at her. I ask her all the time why is everyone liking you so important to you? Don't get me wrong I like to be like but, it ain't the end of the world if someone doesn't like me and if I obsess over it too much it is just the kind of thing that could push me over the edge. Ya can't please all the people all the time and for me the question is why would I want to. I am lucky if I can sometimes please myself I am glad when I do that and not too upset if I don't.
Be sides I don't like the kind of people I attract when I am in the "people pleasing" mode cause usually the only ones who will put up with it are users...it is not a real expectation and especially not reachable for me...
I think a key to a relationship is to slow down and not move too fast. Get to know someone before you give them you heart.
I have a friend who wants everyone to always like her and never be mad at her. I ask her all the time why is everyone liking you so important to you? Don't get me wrong I like to be like but, it ain't the end of the world if someone doesn't like me and if I obsess over it too much it is just the kind of thing that could push me over the edge. Ya can't please all the people all the time and for me the question is why would I want to. I am lucky if I can sometimes please myself I am glad when I do that and not too upset if I don't.
Be sides I don't like the kind of people I attract when I am in the "people pleasing" mode cause usually the only ones who will put up with it are users...it is not a real expectation and especially not reachable for me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
What a wonderful program we have to guide us. You
guys r awesome and I thank you for all ur sencere
words of wisdom.
Yes, i know it is fun to flirt and all that good stuff....
however my yrs of sobriety gathered together one
day at a time has given me a somewhat stable plateform
to build my sober life upon.
That is one good thing about being sober a few yrs,
I have listened and absorbed the teachings of recovery.
To help me not only stay sober but to also learn
to live life with out alcohol. To experience life without
the numbing affect of my drug of choice.
Choices...i like that word....Dont you? We have
those you know. To chose right from wrong. To
chose to live a better more meaningful way of
life with the AA 12 step program to guide us.
Starting a new relationship right now is not
top priority for me ....Right now all i
want to do is learn....To learn from the mistakes
i had in the past so that i dont repeat them.
Why jump into a new relationship when my first
one was a sick one....For 16 yrs i have learned how
to stay sober and now its time to grow some more.
To grow spiritually, emotionally,,,,Those r good things
for me right now to deal with....
If i were to place anything extremely heavy and
unstable on my already recovery foundation....then
im sure it will crumble.
Why risk it?
I am moving with caution ever so slowly with
guidance and care from Above. FIRST THINGS FIRST
as always.
Thanks for ESH. It is much appreciated.
guys r awesome and I thank you for all ur sencere
words of wisdom.
Yes, i know it is fun to flirt and all that good stuff....
however my yrs of sobriety gathered together one
day at a time has given me a somewhat stable plateform
to build my sober life upon.
That is one good thing about being sober a few yrs,
I have listened and absorbed the teachings of recovery.
To help me not only stay sober but to also learn
to live life with out alcohol. To experience life without
the numbing affect of my drug of choice.
Choices...i like that word....Dont you? We have
those you know. To chose right from wrong. To
chose to live a better more meaningful way of
life with the AA 12 step program to guide us.
Starting a new relationship right now is not
top priority for me ....Right now all i
want to do is learn....To learn from the mistakes
i had in the past so that i dont repeat them.
Why jump into a new relationship when my first
one was a sick one....For 16 yrs i have learned how
to stay sober and now its time to grow some more.
To grow spiritually, emotionally,,,,Those r good things
for me right now to deal with....
If i were to place anything extremely heavy and
unstable on my already recovery foundation....then
im sure it will crumble.
Why risk it?
I am moving with caution ever so slowly with
guidance and care from Above. FIRST THINGS FIRST
as always.
Thanks for ESH. It is much appreciated.
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