What to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
What to do?
My daughter just called me at work to inform me that my as has been dropped off at our house by his pregnant gf.
Now my son has been told before he can stay at our house due to an incident about 6 weeks ago, when he called me at work and asked me if he could take his dad's truck and some money from his dad's piggy bank (which his dad guards fanatically) and go buy gas for the lawn mower. My as just lost his driver's license the day before. Also translate gas into beer for himself. I told him no, but he did it anyway.
When I got home from work that day I told his dad who was not happy at all and my son confronted me when his dad was away from home, cussing me and trying to intimidate me and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him. I told him he couldn't come back to my house, especially when we're not home and now he's there and my daughter is upset because he likes to cuss her too. I think he doesn't like women. He has always had trouble with personal relationships and likes to intimidate women.
Now, I'm at work and my husband it at work and as is home saying he has no where to go. By the way, he's 33.
I feel like running away to Siberia.
_______________________________
Trish
Now my son has been told before he can stay at our house due to an incident about 6 weeks ago, when he called me at work and asked me if he could take his dad's truck and some money from his dad's piggy bank (which his dad guards fanatically) and go buy gas for the lawn mower. My as just lost his driver's license the day before. Also translate gas into beer for himself. I told him no, but he did it anyway.
When I got home from work that day I told his dad who was not happy at all and my son confronted me when his dad was away from home, cussing me and trying to intimidate me and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from him. I told him he couldn't come back to my house, especially when we're not home and now he's there and my daughter is upset because he likes to cuss her too. I think he doesn't like women. He has always had trouble with personal relationships and likes to intimidate women.
Now, I'm at work and my husband it at work and as is home saying he has no where to go. By the way, he's 33.
I feel like running away to Siberia.
_______________________________
Trish
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
You can do nothing and allow him to cuss your daughter and abuse her while letting him have his way or you can call the cops asap. I am 34 and whether an addict or not he knows the diffrence between right and wrong as well he is trying to force himself on you. Have him removed from the property if he will not leave, you have to stay strong on these types of boundaries in my opinion and daughter does not deserve the bull crap.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
I agree, have your daughter call the police and have your AS removed from the home. If the police want to speak to you your daughter can call you. No one has to put up with that in their own home. He is old enough to know how to treat people with respect. He is doing what an addict does, think only of themself.
Hugs coming your way
Hugs coming your way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
I know you all are right and I've told my daughter to call the police if he says the first word to her and I've also told him that we're calling the police if he doesn't make other arrangements.
It's just really tough when your at work and you start getting these calls.
Thanks to all of you
It's just really tough when your at work and you start getting these calls.
Thanks to all of you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I wouldn't wait for him to make other arrangements. He's had all this time since you first told him not to come back to make the other arrangements and he didn't listen. Also, if you wait for him to speak to your daughter, you may be basically asking her to wait for him to snap and do worse. That first word between them may provoke something worse from what it sounds like...
If I were you, I would seriously consider calling the cops now, as hard as it is. Your daughter will thank you.
*hugs and prayers*
If I were you, I would seriously consider calling the cops now, as hard as it is. Your daughter will thank you.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
The situation has been taken out of my hands. My husband came home from work early and noticed that his change had been tampered with and threw him out. Now he's waiting for pregnant girl friend to pick him up.
If she's smart she'll keep on driving.
If she's smart she'll keep on driving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: lost, ca
Posts: 9
I am so sorry for your drama. It is really difficult to have to deal with adult CHILDREN. Will they ever grow up and take responsibility for their lives. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Maybe he will decide it is his time for a change. Don't ever give up hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
don't take any crap from him.stick to your boundries. you told him he could not stay, call the cops or what ever you have to do.it is so hard for us to do these things but we have to take care of our selves. sending prayers up for you & him too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 84
I am sorry you and your family is going through this. It is very hard sometimes. As a sisters perspective, we will put up with alot of bull from a big brother A....mine took after me with an axe because I would not let him use my bike to fight drugs and Alcohol...very tough situation...and my parents did not have the strength to deal with it....so I had to, at the age of 16 I moved out. I don't know if your daughter is teen or adult but everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home and that means you too....keep strong, take care and it may be a good idea for you and your family who want to go to an Alanon meeting....you can learn how to care for yourself and your well-being.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
What would I do?
Set a boundary line.
I would inform him that if he wanted to stay in my home he would abide by every single rule. If he can not comply I would tell him I love him and show him to the door.
Just because they have a self inflicted problem that they refuse to do something about, does not make us responsible for them. Especially when they are grown adults. When they have to fend for themselves a while, they either sink or swim. It is their choice.
When we continue to "help them out" without letting them help themselves, then they learn nothing and they continue their behavior with the behavior only getting worse and worse.
The guilt trips have to stop as well. Addicts are great manipulators, and guilt trips are their forte. Don't fall into that trap.
I have two sons in prison. One is a drug addict.
The addict son had just gotten out of jail, a first offence, and stayed with me to get on his feet. He worked hard, did very well, saved up 5000.00
9 months later he runs into an old drug buddy. In one month he blew every single cent.
I was fed up and told him that I would take him anywhere he wanted to go, but after blowing all that money, and proving to me he wasn't going to stay clean, he had to leave. He got in the car. I asked him where he wanted to go. He screamed at me, RIGHT HERE. So, I let him out of the car at that corner. Before he got out of the car, he spit in my face, jumped out and bent my car door so it won't shut any more.
I will not be abused by anyone, especially my own children.
That was it for me. No more ever again.
He went back to jail because he couldn't pass a pee test due to his being on probation. He's 28.
What a waste. But, it's not my fault he chose that road to ruin.
Now, I sit here at home and have no drama, no chaos and I like it just fine.
I have too much experience with enabling. It got me no where, but a spit in the face! So, no more enabling for me.
I know as a parent how much it hurts. It's terrible to watch our children destroy themselves. But, there really isn't much we can do, unless of course, we want to allow them to make us support them and their habits the rest of our lives and making us feel guilty when they get pitiful.
I encourage you, and hold out my hand in support to you. I have been there, I've been through all the stages, and I understand.
Take care
Set a boundary line.
I would inform him that if he wanted to stay in my home he would abide by every single rule. If he can not comply I would tell him I love him and show him to the door.
Just because they have a self inflicted problem that they refuse to do something about, does not make us responsible for them. Especially when they are grown adults. When they have to fend for themselves a while, they either sink or swim. It is their choice.
When we continue to "help them out" without letting them help themselves, then they learn nothing and they continue their behavior with the behavior only getting worse and worse.
The guilt trips have to stop as well. Addicts are great manipulators, and guilt trips are their forte. Don't fall into that trap.
I have two sons in prison. One is a drug addict.
The addict son had just gotten out of jail, a first offence, and stayed with me to get on his feet. He worked hard, did very well, saved up 5000.00
9 months later he runs into an old drug buddy. In one month he blew every single cent.
I was fed up and told him that I would take him anywhere he wanted to go, but after blowing all that money, and proving to me he wasn't going to stay clean, he had to leave. He got in the car. I asked him where he wanted to go. He screamed at me, RIGHT HERE. So, I let him out of the car at that corner. Before he got out of the car, he spit in my face, jumped out and bent my car door so it won't shut any more.
I will not be abused by anyone, especially my own children.
That was it for me. No more ever again.
He went back to jail because he couldn't pass a pee test due to his being on probation. He's 28.
What a waste. But, it's not my fault he chose that road to ruin.
Now, I sit here at home and have no drama, no chaos and I like it just fine.
I have too much experience with enabling. It got me no where, but a spit in the face! So, no more enabling for me.
I know as a parent how much it hurts. It's terrible to watch our children destroy themselves. But, there really isn't much we can do, unless of course, we want to allow them to make us support them and their habits the rest of our lives and making us feel guilty when they get pitiful.
I encourage you, and hold out my hand in support to you. I have been there, I've been through all the stages, and I understand.
Take care
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Ladyjane- just sending support from one mom to another. I don't even know where my AS son is, which is oh so sad. But I learn here, it can be equally painful in a different way when they do come around. Hope you've resolved this peacefully w/o police.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Protect your daughter. She is the innocent one here and should not have to be put in the position of calling the police on her brother. If he is a threat, then get a PPO. Your daughter is being changed from this and someday you may regret what it does to her. You can't change what your son is doing and today it is only money, tomorrow it may be something precious and irreplaceable that he takes from you. Hugs, Marle
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
What strikes me is how your son picks on you and your daughter while your husband is gone. My son does this too and a friend of mine told me it shows what a real coward he is. I never thought of it that way. Glad he's out of your house for now. Stay strong.
krhea
krhea
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