I don't know what the next step is
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Markham
Posts: 4
I don't know what the next step is
I'm new at all this, so I think I need some guidance. I left my ex after 2 years of trying to help him get better. Unfortunatly he wasn't ready to give up anything. I knew leaving him was the best for both of us, and when he lost me he went over the edge but eventually admitted his problem.HE is in rehab right now and when I talked to him he sounds like a different person. There is sooo much confusion in me right now. I want to be with him again but there is soo much of me that if afraid he will be needy and destroy the independence I've started to build back?
I lost a part of myself because I just started to try to control everything in the relationship to compensate for my loss of control of him. I know its probably a typical story but he was one of the greatest guys I have ever met. He just started to get hurtful and neglectful when I put my foot down about the drugs. I want to believe he will be better but all the advice of gotten so far is to stay away from him so he can figure out his new life. Should I get back together with him and try to support him or do I keep my distance and risk losing him? What do I do?
I lost a part of myself because I just started to try to control everything in the relationship to compensate for my loss of control of him. I know its probably a typical story but he was one of the greatest guys I have ever met. He just started to get hurtful and neglectful when I put my foot down about the drugs. I want to believe he will be better but all the advice of gotten so far is to stay away from him so he can figure out his new life. Should I get back together with him and try to support him or do I keep my distance and risk losing him? What do I do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R... i am glad you found us.no one can tell you to stay or leave your husband but i can tell you he has a long hard road ahead of him.i really hope he makes it with rehab.when he comes home the recovery program is not over,it will never be over if he plans on staying clean.this is just the beginning of it.there is no cure for an addict.you need to decide if you want this the rest of your life before going back to him.read all the stickys at the top of the forum & read around all the post.there is nothing you can do for him. it is his recovery & his alone.there is alot of info here & a lot of caring people. i am glad you found us & keep coming back.the addict in my life is my son but there is alot of wifes that will be along.prayers for u both, hope
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Kriz,
Welcome to SR. There is great support here and other women who have been through exactly what you are going through now.
The whole deal about US, the people who love the addict/alcoholic, is that we have gotten so wrapped up in the addict's life, that we've lost ours. Best thing I could tell you right now (along with what Anvil said) is try to get the focus back on you and what is good for YOU. You can't base your happiness on this man because we don't know what is going to happen with him.
But you can focus on you and decide what you want for your life. I was able to get better and figure out my life by going to Al Anon meetings and reading on this board. Face to face meetings have done wonders for me and MY recovery. And I did need to recover from my addiction to my addicted daughter. You see, our addict is addicted to the drug and we are addicted to them. So we have to seek recovery, also.
Please check into local meetings and take in a few, at least 6, before you give up on them. And read and post here. Both those things have brought me to a much better place in my life today.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. There is great support here and other women who have been through exactly what you are going through now.
The whole deal about US, the people who love the addict/alcoholic, is that we have gotten so wrapped up in the addict's life, that we've lost ours. Best thing I could tell you right now (along with what Anvil said) is try to get the focus back on you and what is good for YOU. You can't base your happiness on this man because we don't know what is going to happen with him.
But you can focus on you and decide what you want for your life. I was able to get better and figure out my life by going to Al Anon meetings and reading on this board. Face to face meetings have done wonders for me and MY recovery. And I did need to recover from my addiction to my addicted daughter. You see, our addict is addicted to the drug and we are addicted to them. So we have to seek recovery, also.
Please check into local meetings and take in a few, at least 6, before you give up on them. And read and post here. Both those things have brought me to a much better place in my life today.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The real recovery begins after rehab, when they live in the real world and try to maintain their sobriety. Some make it right away, some take many tries and are stuck in the revolving door of recovery and relapse (my son was stuck there often).
You have lots of time to make your life choices. My thoughts are to continue working on yourself and letting time show you what your options are. You don't have to give up that feeling of personal freedom whether you go back with him or not. You get to make your own choices in life, no matter how he is doing.
Maybe try some meetings and work on keeping your balance through this, and then just say a prayer and ask to be led.
Hugs
You have lots of time to make your life choices. My thoughts are to continue working on yourself and letting time show you what your options are. You don't have to give up that feeling of personal freedom whether you go back with him or not. You get to make your own choices in life, no matter how he is doing.
Maybe try some meetings and work on keeping your balance through this, and then just say a prayer and ask to be led.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
IMHO - There is no "risk in losing him" as you already had to drugs. perhaps the question should be can we have a healthy relationship in the future? Can't you live in separate homes and try seeing ea.other on a limited basis, why you both work on being the "right person"
Once you ea. figure that out, and only then, can you have a chance. Give yourselves the time to grow and mature and see if this has a future.
Once you ea. figure that out, and only then, can you have a chance. Give yourselves the time to grow and mature and see if this has a future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Markham
Posts: 4
My mom says that if you love someone you let them go, if they come back then it wasn't just drug-love, it is real love... Do you think its possible to get rid of the nagging feeling that this person you loved in the worst of times will love you once they have a clear mind.
I know it shouldn't matter... I shouldn't be worried about that because if he can't see how special I am than its his loss..
Its just that for a year and a half he was really good to me, consistently. It was only in last six months that he really neglected me...
I'm I fooling myself to think he will go back to the man I loved?
I know it shouldn't matter... I shouldn't be worried about that because if he can't see how special I am than its his loss..
Its just that for a year and a half he was really good to me, consistently. It was only in last six months that he really neglected me...
I'm I fooling myself to think he will go back to the man I loved?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
in answer to your question it all depends.i have seen it where when they really get clean they do not want the same things at all,including their partner.i have seen it where all they want it to make it up to there partner the things they did while doing drugs.it is his recovery & you can not predict the future. hands off the addict.his recovery is his, yours is yours.live in today,set your goals & work on you.i know this is hard on you & alot to take in all at once but this program works if you work it,just like theirs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
kriz,
It's so true no one can tell you what to do but we can share our own similiar experiences. I left my BF after discovering his drug use and how it was getting out of control. He ended up going over the edge as well and ended up in re hab. The difference was I did not talk with him. I didn't talk with him until he had at least 90 days clean. At that point I did say I would support him and his recovery but I also needed my time for my own recovery. He was very understanding of that and we both worked on ourselves. I didn't jump right back in to the relationship, I took it slow and based it on MY feelings of comfort.
All I can suggest is you listen to your instints and see what they are telling you.
It's so true no one can tell you what to do but we can share our own similiar experiences. I left my BF after discovering his drug use and how it was getting out of control. He ended up going over the edge as well and ended up in re hab. The difference was I did not talk with him. I didn't talk with him until he had at least 90 days clean. At that point I did say I would support him and his recovery but I also needed my time for my own recovery. He was very understanding of that and we both worked on ourselves. I didn't jump right back in to the relationship, I took it slow and based it on MY feelings of comfort.
All I can suggest is you listen to your instints and see what they are telling you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
In my experience its too easy to slip back into codependant actions and tendencies. MOnths and months apart and months of good work can be damaged in only a few seconds.
Also, you dont lose someone in just a few months for needing time, if you do they were only there for selfish reasons to begin with
Also, you dont lose someone in just a few months for needing time, if you do they were only there for selfish reasons to begin with
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
its tough, I have the same thoughts and feelings about my AH
I go from wanting him out of my life for some peace..............usually when he has disappointed me
to seeing him, like I did this weekend and feeling all over again that I just want back what we once had..........
it becomes so easy for me to decide or believe or hope that.........this time it will be better that hes getting it under control........and we have a chance for that life together..............
no words of wisdom .................just wanted to say Your not alone
I go from wanting him out of my life for some peace..............usually when he has disappointed me
to seeing him, like I did this weekend and feeling all over again that I just want back what we once had..........
it becomes so easy for me to decide or believe or hope that.........this time it will be better that hes getting it under control........and we have a chance for that life together..............
no words of wisdom .................just wanted to say Your not alone
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