Cloud999

I just found this site.Trying to quit opiates. Detoxing as I type. A little more than 24 hours and I think to myself I have been here many times before. Have quit for 8 months before I drank alcohol almost every day to do this. I also have quit a lot more times for a week here a week there. Sometimes because of lack of connection. I can make it through the physical withdrawal easily enough but the depression I get is too much. I turn into A babbling brook. Crying about everything. Stuff not even that important. I have tons of Nostalgia about years past. Crying when I see an old show I used to watch on T.V. or a lot of different tunes. I also not only crave opiates when I come off I start craving alcohol. I was also an alcoholic before I was an opiate addict. I am 26 and have been an Alcoholic since I was 17.
The last 3 years I have been drinking only the 8 months I was off the opiates. Now I want to come off the opiates but I am scared I will be an alcoholic again. If I have to choose I would rather be addicted to pills. I am addicted to mainly Hydrocodones. If I do not have them I will get OC Fentanyl, Percocet, and Tramodol even. I try to weigh my pros and cons and it always seems a life of hiding behind opiates seems best. My heart tells me otherwise. I right it out and Pros win. How,Why do I feel like I can never be normal ever again. So scared of the future. I do remember when I quit opiates the first time even though I drank every night after work.
I remember feeling. I remember thinking I beat it. Not realizing that alcohol was creeping back into my life. I remember the feeling when I said I was free of opiates it felt great. I knew then that I didn't want to be an addict didn't see the alcohol monster getting it's hold on me again. Until one night 8 months later. I did some psychedelic mushrooms and starting thinking about my life. I thought about humanity and so much about my life and the bad things in it. I thought about quitting smoking. Also thought of my life on pills vs. my life as an alcoholic and I liked the pill guy better during this trip. So it was decided I would quit smoke and exchange drinking for pills again. Didn't quit smoking. I decided I like them a lot on pills. My story summed up as fast as I could.
Any suggestions for me to help me through this. Not the physical but the mental game.

Empty Cartridge

I am no expert, and am struggling with alcohol myself. So I only have a minor suggestion.

Would it help for you to have new music, new TV shows, new movies, and new places to go that reflect life without booze or drugs? Maybe you could find some new music that you have never previously discovered, that you could later associate with sobriety?

Maybe you could find a corner coffee shop with good reading material and an interesting environment that you could create new memories. New friends that do not revolve around booze or drugs could push new experiences ahead in the brain queue over those of your old days.

I'm giving myself advice as I give it, but I hope it helps.

best

Meetings. NA meetings would be a great source of support and a place to gather answers that work.

As for the depression... part of it could be part of your withdrawing but it could also be a true depression and only a Dr could tell you that. Some people can have a serious enough depression that it needs be treated with drugs....Ordered by and with the care of a Dr's support.

The tools we can gather at meetings sure do help. They help in all areas of life not just for dealing with not using drugs or alcohol.
You say you stopped before. Stop for a day... that you can do yes?
When day two gets here...stop for that day.
Deal with each day...one at a time. You can do it.

indigo

First of all welcome to SR, lots of good people here who understand what you're going through. I would suggest going to see your doctor about your detox fears and about your fear of turning to alcohol. I wish you the very best on your journey to freedom from using/drinking.

Rusty Zipper

cloud, first off... welcome to a shot at a way better life...

it sounds like your in way deep...

too deep for DIY recovery...

as mentioned... see a doc... be 100% open & honest about how much you use, and the depression.. that lots of times is from the benzo/booze dependence...

AA/Na or some recovery support for the mind, body and soul...

for me, i had to reconnect to life...

wish'n you all the best cloud... it soon may be pink!

xxoo, rz

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, cloud. please know that recovery is possible. blessings, k

Cloud999

Today is day 2. Feel like crap. But no urges to use. I don't have a Primary Care Physician. After the physical withdrawal symptoms are through maybe I can try to find one. I wish I could get on suboxone but can't afford it. I wish I could afford an ******** treatment. My first day was bad but I even managed to go to a friends house to watch the UFC last night. I am not even taking one day yet. If I make through 2 hours of not using. Than I will try to make through the next 2 hours.

GlassPrisoner

Welcome !

Sounds like a good plan. Do it a minute at time if you have to. "Sit on your hands."

Cloud999

Today will be day 3 off of painkillers and alcohol. Have had clonidine for the W/D and some benzo's for sleep. A very small supply. I don't want to trade one addiction for another. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables. For vitamins I take L-Tyrosine in the morning and at night. I take vitamin E, B complex, C, Calcium.I take daytime flu medicine. I also take immodium. I also have been taking an Herbal Detox morning and night I still do not feel good enough to exercise. Hopefully tomorrow. Will post back tomorrow. They say that 7/7/07 was the luckiest day. It could be for me because it was my first clean day.

Anna

That's great Cloud!

It sounds like you're doing pretty well. And, hopefully some exercise will feel good tomorrow.

Cloud999

Exercised today for about half an hour. Just upper body free weights. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables. Trying to drink about a gallon of water a day. It scares me however because I have beaten the physical addiction before but I have never beaten the mental.

IO Storm

Cloud..

It seems you are O.K. today...

But with the history of long term use of opiates...please get emergency help

if strong withdrawal symptoms occur..

And please do not resort to alcohol use..it makes any depression worsen.

Speaking from experience,

Love,

IO

Rowan

Hi Cloud,

Sorry I'm late welcoming you - what about NA meetings or AA meetings?

I'm an alcoholic/benzo addict. I go to AA. Getting healthy i.e. diet and exercise are fantastic, but it's vital that you not just distract yourself. Trust me, you'll start to feel great and denial may creep in. You're going to need more than working out and vitamins when that happens. You said yourself that the physical you can beat but not the mental aspect - and that's where you need help. It doesn't have to be a 12-step format - it could be Smart Recovery, or any number of other programs. But please, don't try to do this alone.

I hope you keep posting - and I truly wish you well.

Rowan

Cloud999

4th day today. Feeling OK. Yesterday was my last day of Benzos for sleep and I have no more Clonidine. As for AA and NA no thanks. Maybe smart recovery but I don't have a clue what it is. I will look it up and write back. Going to try to ride my exercise bike a while and take a shower. Write back later. Thank you all for your support.

GlassPrisoner

I've heard of contempt prior to invesigation, but approbation prior to investigation ? That's a new one on me

I hope you find something that works. I had a disdain for the 12 steps too, until I got beat up really badly and actually tried them.

Sav

Welcome. Y'know, it does sound like you're doing a lot of subsitution. If you've been stopping "cold turkey", and then switching to something else, you're probably (in part) self medicating for very real physical sympotms and resultant mental effects of the withdrawal.

...what are you taking right now and for how long? (I lost track! )

You might have to medicate for a number of the things you're taking. Just make sure you research carefully, get the right treatment.

On the mental side, you've been doing this for quite a while. If you're like me, the biggest problem I had when I stopped was I didn't know what to DO with myself!

I'd been an addict for years, it was all I knew! Without doing that, I was just sitting about, twiddling my thumbs, and getting ansy and stressed from a will and energy to be doing SOMETHING productive. But my life was such that I knew NOBODY, had NO connections, didn't know ANYTHING!

This has been one of the hardest parts for me. Trying to find something to fill the "void" I'd become when I stopped using.

Because stopping is great, but then you feel like you've got... nothing.

And you've got to fill that with...something.

But that does take time, patience, and practice.

Good luck, and Taanstafl!

Cloud999

I know about AA and NA I don't believe in God. I also do not believe I am powerless over this addiction. I think I do have the power to get through this and out the other side. I am not powerless. I know that. If I was powerless I couldn't even have made it this far. I never hit rock bottom. I was a totally functional addict. I will check out smart recovery however.

Spiritual Seeker

You are an addict (as you know) that is screaming to get into a treatment program that is long term so your chances this time will be great. Once you quit, the real work of recovery begins to get rid of the stinkin' thinkin' or you will be fighting this monkey on your back again and again. Get some help.

GlassPrisoner

Yet.

I thought exactly the same thing. That I could do this. My will power and self-reliance carried me through every other obstacle in life, why not booze ? I'll beat this or die trying, and if I go down I'll go down fighting !

I didn't beat it. I almost died. I went down alright. I gave up fighting and surrendered. That's when I got better.

Cloud999

I don't think everyone needs to hit rock bottom before they can come off the substance of their choice. As for treatment. I don't have the money. If I had the money I would be on a Suboxone program immediately. Suboxone is great for beating pain killer addiction.
The treatment center where I live is a joke. When I was 12 years old I helped my older brothers friends steel beer from the lodge in that area. I got caught. They forced me into treatment. I never drank or did any drugs. They still made me go. For a year. Normal people get out of that program in 6 months. My Dad had some good Insurance that gave them money every time I went.That is the only reason I was there.
I feel good today. Exercised, ate my vitamins. Got some decent food down in me. I do know I am going to need more help. I can't get it today so I am not going to worry about where to get it tomorrow. I am worrying about not using today and that is it. Thanks for all the reponses. Maybe I need to go to another Addiction forum though.