debpug

So I have been doing good during day time, staying busy trying to have fun with kids.Yes I think of him non stop.Yes I want him home,he will come back like always when the money or drugs run out.And I will open my arms and heart over and over again.The nights are the worse,I cry,I panic,I can't sleep,I walk the house over and over ,I pray,I just go nuts.Any ideas on how to make the nights better? Does anyone else act like this?

Lovestoomuch

The nights were always worse for me. That's when things slow down and for me......I didn't want to slow down. I needed to be busy and pre-occupied.

Find a good book to read. Sometimes those self help books can give you that boost in self esteem. I used to read, come here, paint and write. Writing a journal helped pass the time away and I was able to get my thoughts out especially when there wasn't anyone to talk to.

Most of all, just be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. A lot of that love and nurturing we need comes from within ourselves.

tropikgal2

"Lonely is the Night, when you find yourself alone,
and your demons come to light, and your mind is not your own.......
-----Billy Squier-----

dollydo

I read your other post, and, I am sorry you are in so much pain.

However, it appears from this post, you are willing to do this over and over again.

I do not sit in judgement, however, until you start working on you, there is nothing but more pain in your future. This will not get better until you take control of you, your life.

As for the nights alone, there are more to come, his first love is drugs, he is an addict. The answer is to detach, explore things that you "liked" to do before all the insanity started. Books, Movies, Classes,Hobbies or just calling your family or friends. Anything, just do something.

You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he does not, never has, never will....it's up to you.

Have you checked out meetings in your area?

greeteachday

Deb, I'm sorry you are in pain too. I like Loves suggestions about writing and getting immersed in some good self help books. have you read any of Melodie Beatty's books? I think you might relate and perhaps it will help you move forward too.

I find the worst thing I can do is go to bed if I am not going to sleep. It gives my mind far too much time to fret and be unhealthy. If I can not fall asleep in a short time, I get up and occupied. Music helps me too...no dreary depressing stuff...good music to sing along too. It is hard to fret and worry and sing at the same time.

If you haven't started Alanon or Naranon, please give yourself that gift. Hugs

debpug

Ok so night is here but that is ok,I'm reading and learning.For that post about me a doing it over and over.I'm not sure I understand.Do you think I am wrong for stayin with him? I know you can't answer that ,what I mean is do you think the only way for the pain to go away is to move on? I am looking up info on meetings for me.Is anyone still with the person they love who is using drugs? I know I have to take care of me,I'm just not sure how to do that.Thanks for listening ,I will check out the meetings.

greeteachday

You're right, no one can answer that for you. But insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I wouldn't say that means leave...only when or if you are ever ready. But perhaps you can find different ways to deal with this than to continue to welcome him with open arms and heart, clean up his mess and protect him so he faces no consequences of use, while you get steadily sicker and hurt more and more. Is that what you would like to be facing a year form now...five years from now? I think it is very hard for an addict to want to try recovery if his life is protected, his needs are met and he gets to get high all the time on top of it. They say when the pain of using (or in our case the pain of being a codependent) is greater than the pain of trying to stop, that's when we will seek help.

Reading and going to meetings will definitely help you to focus on you and your kids. I'm glad you are exploring that. Hugs

finallyout

deb, leaving him is not the only way for the pain to go away, cuz honestly even if you leave the pain is still there. focusing on yourself and taking of you, letting go and detachment (i know easier said than done) are the best ways i've found in 12 years to make the pain stop. it is easier to stop hurting when you leave them. i separated from my ah after 10 yrs of marriage cuz of his using, and it was the best thing i ever did. he did finally find recovery for himself and we are now together trying to make it work, but i have no high hopes and if he uses even once, i will no doubt leave him again. its all about what you can live with and what you are willing to accept. no can tell you whether its right or wrong to stay with him, thats a choice only you can make. we've all been there and we support you whatever you do, just remember that you can't help him no matter how much you love him, and sometimes letting them go is the best thing you can do for them and you. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

dollydo

Good advice ahead of me. No, leaving him is not the only answer. This is a decision that only you can make. Some people can live with an addict/alcoholic all their lives, I am not one of those people.

My point was you need to get yourself some help to learn how to set your bounderies and stick to them. All the ultimatums in the world are not going to make him stop using. It is his choice, his problem, you need to work on you, get your head straight and then make your decision to stay or go.

Regardless of what you decide, start putting some money aside, money that he does not know about. Drugs are very expensive, and, he is deep into his addiction. There will be no money left, many times, no house, no car, no nothing. Try and protect yourself, make a plan and set your bounderies and stick to them.

I wish you the very best,

nevergivingup

I think part of letting go and moving forward with you life is exploring who you are! Finding out what interests you. For me, I found myself with my number one interest being my xabf. Changing that focus to something that's more meaningful help me to stop the pain. Yes, I left my xabf because he was violent and turned my life into a nightmare, but we have a child together so leaving never meant really leaving. I had to teach myself to spend my thoughts on things that were in my benefit... work (which I love), friends, reading, real estate (obsessed with those huge houses!!!), photography, etc. Now these things occupy my thoughts and I spend less time being angry and obsessed with someone else's actions! That's what the 12 steps did/do for me!!!!