Stop it, Mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Stop it, Mom
I remembered this morning that when I was 8, my mom tried to kick me because I had not done a good job of cleaning the kitchen.
Actually, I never forgot it, but this was the first time I acknowledged that maybe most moms probably don't do that.
I think.
Anyway, I get to work and she is calling me.
"I know you don't like talking to me honey...
"Your brother is going to have to have back surgery...he's in so much pain, maybe you could just call and cheer him up a little...he's had to take so much pain medication...
" Your brother says I need to move, but how can I, I just moved and you and Mike helped me; but there are 25 apartments here and he is afraid the new apartment manager is going to move in 25 hispanic families...
"Well, I don't want to bother you at work, I'll just go now...
"The car is acting up...
"Marsha's mother is dying, but she probably is ready to rest...
"I am sorry to bother you, but I just have so many worries right now...
Mom; listen:
My brother , your son, has not had a sober day in 15 years and is now physically wasting. I can't bear to be around him and see it anymore. I can't bear to hear him drunk on the phone.
He is not in pain, he is now addicted to oxy, because that is the pain med he was prescribed and is now taking too much of. It will likely kill him, given the daily vodka intake. Or the withdrawal from it, combined with his wasting -unless, of course, the surgery does the job first.
Do you know, any of you, my beloved, idiot family, who I adore so much and cannot bear to be in the same room with, what happens chemically/biologically when someone with years of booze under their belt goes into surgery? Do you want to know? Of course not.
Mom, my brother wouldn't pay a thin red dime to help you move into another apartment; so he has no damned business talking to you about how "fearful" a place it could become — don't even get me started on these attitudes toward people with skin and language not your own — because he has no intention of helping you. It's just another piece of his own embittered self pity, as he flogs himself for not "being able" to help you.
The car, which I am paying for, will sometimes need a repair.
Mom, you do worry, incessantly, but you refuse to even consider taking antidepressants. or talking with a counselor. You have been depressed forever and a day. We have talked about this. It is your only major health problem.
I am not taking on cheering anybody up. I am putting down the pom-poms. The damn things weigh a ton. Waving them around didn't save my father, my uncles, my aunt, my grandfather from dying; they won't save my three cousins and my brother, they may not save my son — your youngest grandchild.
The sun will have to come up without me. Mike will have to deal with his diseases. You will have to live with your sadness. My son will have to find his own path. I haven't made a bit of difference to anyone in my family who has ever been touched by this. There aren't enough tears in the world to lift all these boats and save the family I love from drowning.
And you were right when you told me I would never keep a good kitchen. I order out.
Actually, I never forgot it, but this was the first time I acknowledged that maybe most moms probably don't do that.
I think.
Anyway, I get to work and she is calling me.
"I know you don't like talking to me honey...
"Your brother is going to have to have back surgery...he's in so much pain, maybe you could just call and cheer him up a little...he's had to take so much pain medication...
" Your brother says I need to move, but how can I, I just moved and you and Mike helped me; but there are 25 apartments here and he is afraid the new apartment manager is going to move in 25 hispanic families...
"Well, I don't want to bother you at work, I'll just go now...
"The car is acting up...
"Marsha's mother is dying, but she probably is ready to rest...
"I am sorry to bother you, but I just have so many worries right now...
Mom; listen:
My brother , your son, has not had a sober day in 15 years and is now physically wasting. I can't bear to be around him and see it anymore. I can't bear to hear him drunk on the phone.
He is not in pain, he is now addicted to oxy, because that is the pain med he was prescribed and is now taking too much of. It will likely kill him, given the daily vodka intake. Or the withdrawal from it, combined with his wasting -unless, of course, the surgery does the job first.
Do you know, any of you, my beloved, idiot family, who I adore so much and cannot bear to be in the same room with, what happens chemically/biologically when someone with years of booze under their belt goes into surgery? Do you want to know? Of course not.
Mom, my brother wouldn't pay a thin red dime to help you move into another apartment; so he has no damned business talking to you about how "fearful" a place it could become — don't even get me started on these attitudes toward people with skin and language not your own — because he has no intention of helping you. It's just another piece of his own embittered self pity, as he flogs himself for not "being able" to help you.
The car, which I am paying for, will sometimes need a repair.
Mom, you do worry, incessantly, but you refuse to even consider taking antidepressants. or talking with a counselor. You have been depressed forever and a day. We have talked about this. It is your only major health problem.
I am not taking on cheering anybody up. I am putting down the pom-poms. The damn things weigh a ton. Waving them around didn't save my father, my uncles, my aunt, my grandfather from dying; they won't save my three cousins and my brother, they may not save my son — your youngest grandchild.
The sun will have to come up without me. Mike will have to deal with his diseases. You will have to live with your sadness. My son will have to find his own path. I haven't made a bit of difference to anyone in my family who has ever been touched by this. There aren't enough tears in the world to lift all these boats and save the family I love from drowning.
And you were right when you told me I would never keep a good kitchen. I order out.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Nitelite
Great post! Maybe you should really say all those things to your Mother...or did you?
It would probably fall on deaf ears anyway, as it sounds as though she is too deep into her own self-pity to worry about anyone else.
Sounds like Mr. Dev's X-wife. In fact, she's in Florida too!! The only difference is she keeps real busy writing to J.Edgar Hoover! Wonder where those letters go?
Hugs, Devastated
It would probably fall on deaf ears anyway, as it sounds as though she is too deep into her own self-pity to worry about anyone else.
Sounds like Mr. Dev's X-wife. In fact, she's in Florida too!! The only difference is she keeps real busy writing to J.Edgar Hoover! Wonder where those letters go?
Hugs, Devastated
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I had an extremely abusive mother. Now she is old and things are different.
As much as I hate what she was when she was an alcoholic, I fear her gone out of my life now.
It's just horrible what drugs and alcohol do to people.
I liked your post too. You standing up for yourself is a truth I needed to hear.
As much as I hate what she was when she was an alcoholic, I fear her gone out of my life now.
It's just horrible what drugs and alcohol do to people.
I liked your post too. You standing up for yourself is a truth I needed to hear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Hurricane Alley, Fl
Posts: 119
Thanks to all; this has really started me thinking about what I don't say, but just hold inside ~ i felt --whooosh-- like a good wind had blown through me not when I wrote it, but when I began reading your posts in response..I'm NOT crazy! NOT a bad daughter!
Dev, I can't quite get to the face to face thing with my Mom, but I am thinking I can, maybe, say to my brother that I love him, and I can't see him because watching his alcoholism is overwhelming. If I could do that, it would be a big, big, step--and I think it might even be freeing --whoosh! --again...
there are just too many secrets in this family.
Dg; I don't want to plant new and maybe unnecssary worries; but I was terrified that my brother would go into DTs in the hours of no drinking/eating prior to surgery. Some hospitals even give alkies IV alcohol prior to surgery because of that.
Long-term alkies are usually malnourished and anemic. There go the red blood cells. Booze causes the red blood cells to group in sticky wads, which slows down circulation, which cuts oxygen, which creates all kinds of challenges for the anesthesia; decreases the ability of white blood cells to destroy bacteria, so chronics are at huge risk for post-op infections -- the sort of stuff you see in people who have been drinking, and drunk, for decades.
Thanks again to all, for making this bearable ~ hugs & prayers~ nitelite
Dev, I can't quite get to the face to face thing with my Mom, but I am thinking I can, maybe, say to my brother that I love him, and I can't see him because watching his alcoholism is overwhelming. If I could do that, it would be a big, big, step--and I think it might even be freeing --whoosh! --again...
there are just too many secrets in this family.
Dg; I don't want to plant new and maybe unnecssary worries; but I was terrified that my brother would go into DTs in the hours of no drinking/eating prior to surgery. Some hospitals even give alkies IV alcohol prior to surgery because of that.
Long-term alkies are usually malnourished and anemic. There go the red blood cells. Booze causes the red blood cells to group in sticky wads, which slows down circulation, which cuts oxygen, which creates all kinds of challenges for the anesthesia; decreases the ability of white blood cells to destroy bacteria, so chronics are at huge risk for post-op infections -- the sort of stuff you see in people who have been drinking, and drunk, for decades.
Thanks again to all, for making this bearable ~ hugs & prayers~ nitelite
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Gee, Nite, I just wish you could just come right out and say what you mean.... 
I bet you feel 50 lbs lighter. Good for you. Writing is a great way to get this mess out of us sometimes...writing a letter but never mailing it, or journaling...both great tools to rid ourselves of some the junk inside us that is helping steal our serenity.
Thanks, Nite, for showing some folks how to write it out. I'm sure you most likely didn't send this post to your mama...
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I bet you feel 50 lbs lighter. Good for you. Writing is a great way to get this mess out of us sometimes...writing a letter but never mailing it, or journaling...both great tools to rid ourselves of some the junk inside us that is helping steal our serenity.
Thanks, Nite, for showing some folks how to write it out. I'm sure you most likely didn't send this post to your mama...
Hugs,
Hangin' In
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Thanks, nite. I feel like I have been juggling my two sons and my ex for a long time. It's just in the past 3 years since my divorce that I have learned to let them stand on their own. It's better for all of us, and so less tiring on my part. Of course they bitch about it sometimes, but not as much now as they did at first.
krhea
krhea
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