atticus1

I feel very confused as to whether or not it is possible or desirable to keep old friendships compatible with a new self.
I am not talking of drinking buddies - I left them a long time ago.
I'm talking friends of many years.
I have never been an assertive person - only of late have I tried to be moreso - speaking up more for what I want out of life rather than accepting things I'm not happy about.
Last night I drove home from another weekend with an old friend - crying so much driving was difficult.
Did I choose these friends unwisely in the past, did I not see them clearly, am I the one at fault, was I nicer when I drank, am I insensitive now, have I hardened too much emotionally, is it easier to have no friends, should I make new friends ?????????
I really don't know what's going on.
Have others managed to dovetail old friends into new life?

CarolD

Super

In my experience....friendships change

We touch and move apart.
Sometimes we re connect on a different level
Sometimes we do not.

I read somewhere that if a person
has 5 true friends in a lifetime
they are fortunate.

So what is a true friend?
One that sees thru us and likes the view
:
I do have one..we met 43 years ago.

JMO ....... Hope it helps

atticus1

Thank you Carol
You are so kind. I really appreciate your words.
I am crying again - but they are tears of gratitude that I can feel your goodness.
x

chicago

i have certain friends i have known all my life. when i got sober i spent 8 months in a halfway house and hardly talked to them. now that i have a little time, occasionally i will hang out with them on a 1-on-1 basis IF they respect what im doing. the majority of my friends are in AA and i spend most of my time with them. but if your old buddies are truely friends, they will respect what you are doing.

Aysha

I have ONE too.
We have been friends since 7th grade. 20 years.
We were inseperable.
Until I started hardcore drug use and we grew apart in my mid 20's.
And I use to move away alot when I was a teenager too because I got in trouble alot. So it was that thing..your going to live with your father..back to my grams and back and forth like that really all my life.
But no matter how long we didnt talk or see each other.
It was always and still is like we see each other everyday.
We talk over the computer sometimes and email each other.
If I need er she is there. And she knows I am here for her.
That is my only one true friend of all the people I have met in my life.
everyone else I have tried to get bck in touch with and it's like you talk once or twice and thats it.
So whatever.
Less people I know better off I am I think.

Anna

Hi Atticus,

Those are really good questions. And, I know I definitely changed when I began a sober life. I looked at myself differently and I looked at other people differently. I realized I had acted like flotsam and jetsum on the ocean in my relationships. When somebody let me know what they were looking for in a friend, that's what I became. In sobriety, that changed immediately. I also removed the toxic people from my life and that included some family members. But, when I became aware of who I was and what I wanted in my life, I began to attract different kinds of people. And, it's been that way since.

Dee74

I think you're going through a period of inventory, of self introspection, and of change...it's natural that your relationships may very well change too...but I've never lost a friend without gaining another, somewhere somehow....

D

atticus1

Thank you - your example of flotsam and jetsam said it perfectly.

TexasDad1968

I would like to reply on this topic as well.I'm dealing with issue concerning a friend that is very controlling that I met many years ago in highschool.We became friends and abused drugs together.We remained friends through the years off and on.I feel the only common thing bonding us was getting high together.I've chosen now 24 days sober so far and counting, to sever the ties of friendship.I feel he is very controlling and does not accept feelings.I did not tell him anything, i just decided to remain silent and shun him.He has repeatedly called and come to my door.I told my son to tell him when i'm ready to speak with you i'll call you.He still called and came by.I feel I owe him no explanation to my actions.A real friend would accept what I desired for the time being.I had to get call blocking to make him realize I meant it.I feel I am growing in a new direction and I need new friends and new paths.Am I wrong to feel this?

JigOvLife

I'm going through the same conundrum myself, we're a tight knit but accepting bunch, the common bond is partying, we even have a few k's of soundsystem, lighting, and generators that are communally owned (though they've been sat in storage this past year due to ego squabbles). A few of my closest friends were concerned and advised me about my drinking as long as 10 years ago, others have been curious about my attempts at sobriety these last 3 yrs as they're contemplating their own drinking and drug use.

But it seems every event is a drinking, drugfest, that's the common bond. There's a big party coming up in 3 weeks that's gonna start with a BBQ and end with everyone talking amphetamine/charlied bollox at each other till lunchtime the next day. I'm dreading it, but I'm terrified of social exclusion. Nobody does anything else. It's fancy dress though, so I'm thinking of going as a samurai complete with Japanese teaset and wierd eastern teas, as a coping strategy, don't know how long I'll last before having to sod off.

I sometimes think the real common bond is self centredness and not wanting to live in the real world. I don't make friends easily and this site has been a revelation. I hope Dee's right about new folk coming along. I'm loyal and I can't just cut everyone out.

Anyway myself and my best bud are going hiking for 3 days along the North Yorks coast tomorrow. He's done no drugs for years under pain of death from his girlfriend and rarely drinks. Very grateful I've got someone.

Rusty Zipper

jigs i like that jigs...

most of my old so-called friends fell in that catgory...

i have one true close friend, one of a twin...

its a blessing you have that best bud in your life...

cultivate that friendship...

good wishes jigs

rz

least

Atticus1, just got to say I love your name!! Gregory Peck has been one of my favorite actors since I saw TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD years ago.

I've not lost any friends, but then most of my friends don't drink or don't drink too much. And I have very few "bar friends" as I always drank at home by myself.

Just do whatever you must do for your own recovery and let the rest unfold as it will.

:ghug3

tommyk

"Have others managed to dovetail old friends into new life?"

Absolutely. It just depended on if they wanted to be part of my new life.

I certainly couldn't do the same things with them we did before my new life though.

Toomutch

Absolutely:

I am fortunate enough to still have three friends from my childhood that I regularly get together with.

We were both 5 years old when I met the first one. We are now 44. She lives 2 blocks away from me. We drifted for awhile, mostly because she didn't care for my lifestyle. But we are now close again.

As far as the other two we all met when we were 12. We all live within 15 miles of one another and have stuck together through thick and thin, even though we havn't always agreed with eachother.

Oh - I also have a friend that I have know since we were 14 - we e-mail one another all the time.

Dee74

wow! zombie thread - can't kill it

I am right Jig - always LOL.

But I had to leave some mates behind - precisely because of the drugfest factor...not that they threatened my sobriety or bollocks like that...I just have zero interest watching ppl getting ****** up anymore.

I'm loyal too - I couldn't have cut them out either....it wasn't a conscious decision on either side...we independently just kinda drifted apart. Still mates - but just don't see much of them these days.

I miss them sure - they were great guys and, in one case, really old friends. But crap happens.

And others have made their way into my life...

D

HeavyJ

Hi Atticus1,

I still have my old friends. I'm still new at recovery, but my friends are actually very supportive. In some cases I'm blazing a new trail that I hope a few of them follow.

With that said, I don't think there is anything wrong with looking for new friends too. If it were up to me, I would meet the world. I always have room for new friends...

Heavy

Eidetic

I never really had "drinking buddies" because I mostly drank by myself, so that wasn't a problem.

But I'm trying to figure out where old friends fit in to all of this too. Most of them don't really "get" it, and many of them are people I tried to tell about my drinking, who brushed me off and told me it wasn't a problem. They're uncomfortable with the fact that I go to AA meetings and stuff now...the dynamic is weird, because trying to stay sober is such a big part of my life, and they are just not part of it, at least not in an active way.

Kellye C

I have a best friend who has been my friend for 22 years. We have literally been through hell and back together. She stood by me during the worst of my drinking and has been a huge cheerleader in my almost 4 years of sobriety. Meanwhile I have seen her through the death of both of her parents, we've raised all our kids together, we've been through multiple marriages and divorces. We spent our time in the club and both have overdid it just at different times. Difference was she was able to pull herself back before crossing that "invisible line" and I was not.

I have other friends that appeared to be supportive but that we haven't been together because we really don't have anything in common now. Oh well. For everyone I've lost I've gained 10 more!!!

Take care,
Kellye