I am new here and fraught with issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 23
I am new here and fraught with issues
Good evening all.
I think I could comfortably post in a few of the forums here. I don't necessarily struggle with alcohol but I have had my moments. My issues are more mainly tied to over-eating and the emotions that drive me to do it.
I am 38 years old, married for 13 years but I've been with my husband since I was 17. He's the only man I've ever been with intimately. I didn't know it at the time we were engaged and living together but he has a sexual fetish. He hid it from me even after we were married. I discovered it accidentally (found it on a partially erased videotape) and it slowly drove me to the depths of despair. When he found out that I knew he began to draw me into it. That went on for about 10 more years. I would do what he wanted because he would become verbally abusive. I tried to get into it but it slowly began to kill my soul. I wondered if he was gay and if I was the reason for it. I gained about 120 pounds during that 10 year period. He would make me feel bad about my weight and wasn't above humiliating me in public.
About a year and a half ago I caught my husband videotaping us in an intimate situation. He got me to perform "the act" and he taped it. I was sick to my stomach and I felt so lost. I told him I was upset he violated my privacy and I truly believed he was going to post it online (he belonged to at least 3 dozen different social groups through ***** related to that fetish). He was so mad at me for deleting the file off of the computer and threatened to divorce me. I had enough and decided to ask him to leave. While I had a lot of hatred towards him, he has been my whole life and he's the father of my child. When I made that decision I started to lose weight. I am sure it was a combination of stress and some positive changes I made in my diet and exercise program. He begged me for forgiveness and promised to stop smoking, to give up the porn and the fetish and he cut back his drinking.
I have tried to move forward with him but I am still not happy. (Out of respect for your eyes and patience I will save another piece of this story for another time) We haven't had relations in 6 months and I have issues with him touching me. While he didn't molest me in the traditional sense I feel much like someone that has been raped. I tried counseling but he demanded that I tell him what we talk about. I quit going. It was too stressful. I need to talk to someone, I need to know I am not alone out here.
I have been on medications in the past but I don't like them. Paxil made me crazier than I ever could have been without it. I really just need to vent and see what courage I can muster. I think I want to ask my husband for a separation. We don't feud and fight and we both love our son. I haven't done a very good job of loving myself. I think I need to find out who I really am. I need to get my food under control. I am at a crisis point and I am worried that I will snap.
I hope this isn't too much for a first post.
I think I could comfortably post in a few of the forums here. I don't necessarily struggle with alcohol but I have had my moments. My issues are more mainly tied to over-eating and the emotions that drive me to do it.
I am 38 years old, married for 13 years but I've been with my husband since I was 17. He's the only man I've ever been with intimately. I didn't know it at the time we were engaged and living together but he has a sexual fetish. He hid it from me even after we were married. I discovered it accidentally (found it on a partially erased videotape) and it slowly drove me to the depths of despair. When he found out that I knew he began to draw me into it. That went on for about 10 more years. I would do what he wanted because he would become verbally abusive. I tried to get into it but it slowly began to kill my soul. I wondered if he was gay and if I was the reason for it. I gained about 120 pounds during that 10 year period. He would make me feel bad about my weight and wasn't above humiliating me in public.
About a year and a half ago I caught my husband videotaping us in an intimate situation. He got me to perform "the act" and he taped it. I was sick to my stomach and I felt so lost. I told him I was upset he violated my privacy and I truly believed he was going to post it online (he belonged to at least 3 dozen different social groups through ***** related to that fetish). He was so mad at me for deleting the file off of the computer and threatened to divorce me. I had enough and decided to ask him to leave. While I had a lot of hatred towards him, he has been my whole life and he's the father of my child. When I made that decision I started to lose weight. I am sure it was a combination of stress and some positive changes I made in my diet and exercise program. He begged me for forgiveness and promised to stop smoking, to give up the porn and the fetish and he cut back his drinking.
I have tried to move forward with him but I am still not happy. (Out of respect for your eyes and patience I will save another piece of this story for another time) We haven't had relations in 6 months and I have issues with him touching me. While he didn't molest me in the traditional sense I feel much like someone that has been raped. I tried counseling but he demanded that I tell him what we talk about. I quit going. It was too stressful. I need to talk to someone, I need to know I am not alone out here.
I have been on medications in the past but I don't like them. Paxil made me crazier than I ever could have been without it. I really just need to vent and see what courage I can muster. I think I want to ask my husband for a separation. We don't feud and fight and we both love our son. I haven't done a very good job of loving myself. I think I need to find out who I really am. I need to get my food under control. I am at a crisis point and I am worried that I will snap.
I hope this isn't too much for a first post.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
welcome...glad you were so honest..that's the way to solve problems..i have no right to give opinions..but here's my bit of knowledge..you need to love yourself first....i know it sounds selfish, but it's not...it's self loving....
i was very religious, now i am more of a believer....i am a young guy that had problems with sex...i used to think it was a sin..and that lead me to problems in relationships....in my answers i found that a healthy relation with sex is crucial...witch means to look at it as a natural thing...not as a weird, hidden thing... and it must feel like a part of life, not like destruction...maybe your husband has some sort of sex addiction or maybe he's just redirecting his feelings towards sex as a way to ease some kind of personal pain...millions in this planet have it without knowing..i mean...some just take their families down while they struggle with their problem...i think you need to think about yourself first....that's the biggest thing you can pass to your son: SELF LOVE!..it takes time to build it...but it will be ok!
stay strong
p.s: i read somewhere that most of these problems are not related to sex..it's just a way people find to fill an emotional void...don't beat yourself up...it can be very dark to want to fix those kind of issues...do not forget to love yourself..you are so worthy!
i was very religious, now i am more of a believer....i am a young guy that had problems with sex...i used to think it was a sin..and that lead me to problems in relationships....in my answers i found that a healthy relation with sex is crucial...witch means to look at it as a natural thing...not as a weird, hidden thing... and it must feel like a part of life, not like destruction...maybe your husband has some sort of sex addiction or maybe he's just redirecting his feelings towards sex as a way to ease some kind of personal pain...millions in this planet have it without knowing..i mean...some just take their families down while they struggle with their problem...i think you need to think about yourself first....that's the biggest thing you can pass to your son: SELF LOVE!..it takes time to build it...but it will be ok!
stay strong
p.s: i read somewhere that most of these problems are not related to sex..it's just a way people find to fill an emotional void...don't beat yourself up...it can be very dark to want to fix those kind of issues...do not forget to love yourself..you are so worthy!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by kelliegirl 
I tried counseling but he demanded that I tell him what we talk about. I quit going.
He is in no position to demand anything from you. You need do what is best for you and your child. His disrespect and ill behavior has lost him any rights at all in my opinion.
Some strong boundaries and in my opinion... the camera removed from the house if he stays would be one of those boundaries.
You need do what is best for you and his opinion should not play a part in such. He has given up that right in my opinion.
My issues are more mainly tied to over-eating and the emotions that drive me to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Welcome Kellie,
I can only offer you support and encouragement.
I'm glad you're here, and i applaud your courage to address
this situation/problem in your life.
I'm sure someone who has more understanding on this topic can help
you more than i can.
But, i do say 'Welcome!'.
I can only offer you support and encouragement.
I'm glad you're here, and i applaud your courage to address
this situation/problem in your life.
I'm sure someone who has more understanding on this topic can help
you more than i can.
But, i do say 'Welcome!'.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Kelliegirl,
Welcome and I'm glad you found us.
I think that counselling would be a good idea and I think you should disregard what your husband says about that. It would be a step in taking back control and looking after yourself and your child. As Best said, setting boundaries at this point would be a very good idea.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You will find lots of support and information here.
Welcome and I'm glad you found us.
I think that counselling would be a good idea and I think you should disregard what your husband says about that. It would be a step in taking back control and looking after yourself and your child. As Best said, setting boundaries at this point would be a very good idea.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You will find lots of support and information here.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Hi Kellie...Glad you found us.
You have quite an awesome group of people here.
I dont know if you have seen our eating disorder forum.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/eating-disorders/
Maybe you can find better help there for that topic.
As far as the intimacy..I kinda had a similar experience with my ex BF.
He didnt have a fetish but he didnt know that when I said no..it meant no.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be basically raping me in my sleep.
Get mad and get physically violent if I refused. Go find a crack ***** because he use to be a dealer.
I have walked in on that a few times.
So I know what your saying. It got to the point where it made me sick to my stomach to even look at him.
It still does to think about him.
He was a disgusting pig and it makes my skin crawl to think about some of the times.
We werent married or had any kids. So I can imagine it must be quite hard for you.
You have found a very caring supportive group here.
I hope to see more posts from you.
You have quite an awesome group of people here.
I dont know if you have seen our eating disorder forum.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/eating-disorders/
Maybe you can find better help there for that topic.
As far as the intimacy..I kinda had a similar experience with my ex BF.
He didnt have a fetish but he didnt know that when I said no..it meant no.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be basically raping me in my sleep.
Get mad and get physically violent if I refused. Go find a crack ***** because he use to be a dealer.
I have walked in on that a few times.
So I know what your saying. It got to the point where it made me sick to my stomach to even look at him.
It still does to think about him.
He was a disgusting pig and it makes my skin crawl to think about some of the times.
We werent married or had any kids. So I can imagine it must be quite hard for you.
You have found a very caring supportive group here.
I hope to see more posts from you.
Welcome 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 23
Thank you all for the welcome and the input.
Besides the issues at home with regard to counseling, my insurance company made things difficult too. I sat in an office for over 4 hours waiting to see an overworked woman that prescribed pills. I didn't want pills. I wanted to talk. Personally, I think it's cruel to make people with mental issues sit and wait that long. Some of the other patients were quite disturbed - literally. It made me feel weird about myself.
I called around to several couselors and had one woman tell me she couldn't help me. I had too many issues (eating disorder, sexual intimacy issues, anxiety, trust issues) for her tastes. Well EXCUSE ME. I found a group affiliated with a church but it wasn't Christian counselling. The woman was nice but the price was astronomical. I make a decent living but I couldn't afford to go as often as I needed. When I would get the third degree at home it made it even worse.
So after much pleading from a friend I sought out this place. I will be interested in reading others experiences and see how they tie into my own.
As for the boundaries, that's been difficult. My husband doesn't believe he nor I should have them in regard to each other. He won't see a therapist with me and he won't see one on his own. He doesn't want strangers telling us how to live. I don't think he's grown much since this regrouping of our marriage started. He's a little more into our little boy but as for me, no.
We weren't sleeping in the same room before the video taping incident. He begged me to let him back in the bed so I relented. Now he's back to the couch by his own choice. He still falls asleep after dinner and I still spend my nights alone after my son is in bed. He was upset that I didn't find him attractive and that I was having a hard time separating his fetish from him. It was disgusting. I am sorry if that offends anyone but it isn't something I can handle.
I really think his fetish is part of who he is. No one that collects over 40 gigabytes of images and movie snippets is a casual viewer. I did tell him he had to stop that and get rid of all of the toys which he did. I am not sure I had the right to do it, there are probably plenty of women that would be into it. Maybe he needs one of them.
When things were at their worst I met a friend online. It was not someone I met in person but we chatted a lot through another message board. (I am fully aware of online predators and the perils of that world). I got lucky because this person is genuine. My best friend met him when he came this way from Wisconsin. He was actually the first person I told my situation to. He convinced me to stop participating in the act. My husband began hacking into my email (work and private) and my message board accounts. He read everything I may have had and he was furious. I know that emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical. What my husband doesn't see is that the issue is still him and me. It's not about that other person. He's more mad that I told his dirty little secret than anything. He joined my message boards and he constantly stalks me there. He demanded all of my user names and passwords but has never given me the dozens and dozens he's created. It's rediculous.
I want to live my life as a grownup. I want to be able to feel good about myself and be healthy for my son. I need to fix me so I can be there for him.
Besides the issues at home with regard to counseling, my insurance company made things difficult too. I sat in an office for over 4 hours waiting to see an overworked woman that prescribed pills. I didn't want pills. I wanted to talk. Personally, I think it's cruel to make people with mental issues sit and wait that long. Some of the other patients were quite disturbed - literally. It made me feel weird about myself.
I called around to several couselors and had one woman tell me she couldn't help me. I had too many issues (eating disorder, sexual intimacy issues, anxiety, trust issues) for her tastes. Well EXCUSE ME. I found a group affiliated with a church but it wasn't Christian counselling. The woman was nice but the price was astronomical. I make a decent living but I couldn't afford to go as often as I needed. When I would get the third degree at home it made it even worse.
So after much pleading from a friend I sought out this place. I will be interested in reading others experiences and see how they tie into my own.
As for the boundaries, that's been difficult. My husband doesn't believe he nor I should have them in regard to each other. He won't see a therapist with me and he won't see one on his own. He doesn't want strangers telling us how to live. I don't think he's grown much since this regrouping of our marriage started. He's a little more into our little boy but as for me, no.
We weren't sleeping in the same room before the video taping incident. He begged me to let him back in the bed so I relented. Now he's back to the couch by his own choice. He still falls asleep after dinner and I still spend my nights alone after my son is in bed. He was upset that I didn't find him attractive and that I was having a hard time separating his fetish from him. It was disgusting. I am sorry if that offends anyone but it isn't something I can handle.
I really think his fetish is part of who he is. No one that collects over 40 gigabytes of images and movie snippets is a casual viewer. I did tell him he had to stop that and get rid of all of the toys which he did. I am not sure I had the right to do it, there are probably plenty of women that would be into it. Maybe he needs one of them.
When things were at their worst I met a friend online. It was not someone I met in person but we chatted a lot through another message board. (I am fully aware of online predators and the perils of that world). I got lucky because this person is genuine. My best friend met him when he came this way from Wisconsin. He was actually the first person I told my situation to. He convinced me to stop participating in the act. My husband began hacking into my email (work and private) and my message board accounts. He read everything I may have had and he was furious. I know that emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical. What my husband doesn't see is that the issue is still him and me. It's not about that other person. He's more mad that I told his dirty little secret than anything. He joined my message boards and he constantly stalks me there. He demanded all of my user names and passwords but has never given me the dozens and dozens he's created. It's rediculous.
I want to live my life as a grownup. I want to be able to feel good about myself and be healthy for my son. I need to fix me so I can be there for him.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Kelliegirl,
It sounds like your husband is controlling your life. If he doesn't want to see a counsellor, you can still see one to help yourself. And, you're right, it isn't easy to find a good one, but keep trying. And, you have every right to tell your husband what is acceptable or not in the sexual aspect of your marriage. It's your marriage too.
I am also going to PM you about something.
It sounds like your husband is controlling your life. If he doesn't want to see a counsellor, you can still see one to help yourself. And, you're right, it isn't easy to find a good one, but keep trying. And, you have every right to tell your husband what is acceptable or not in the sexual aspect of your marriage. It's your marriage too.
I am also going to PM you about something.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Kellie, welcome to SR.
I would like to suggest that you contact a Domestic Violence Center in your area. Not only do they have counselling but can refer you if need be.
What your husband is doing is mental, emotional, and yes physical violence. The DV center can help you.
We can give you support here of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) but we are not therapists.
We do care, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Love and hugs,
I would like to suggest that you contact a Domestic Violence Center in your area. Not only do they have counselling but can refer you if need be.
What your husband is doing is mental, emotional, and yes physical violence. The DV center can help you.
We can give you support here of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) but we are not therapists.
We do care, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Love and hugs,
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