drainedwife your PM box is full so I posted my reply
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
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drainedwife your PM box is full so I posted my reply
hi,
I hope its OK that I went ahead and posted this when I couldn't pm you. I didn't want to lose it because as usual I got kind of longwinded. Sorry.
Yeah-I used to scrape dope off of counters in the workroom, garage, bathroom, pretty much everywhere. I would scrape it up and put it in baggies and show it to him and he would still deny it- even when I took a picture of him passed out on the couch with the white powder all over his nostrils. I drove myself crazy playing detective until I accepted the fact that it really didn't make any difference and stopped doing it.
What I meant by giving him his life back is that, for me in my marriage, I had to really come to the understanding within myself that there was nothing that I could do or say that was going to change him.
I gave him all kinds of ultimatums over the years but even if he 'changed' for a little while he always went back to using and then he was blaming me for somehow not being enough to keep him happy.
After I started looking for help for myself instead of for him, I started to understand that everything I thought I was doing in the name of helping him was only helping him stay a drug addict.
I filed for divorce three times before now and every time I believed that he meant every word of the promises he made when I took him back. I believe even now that he meant them, he just wasn't able to keep them because he is an addict and he was just doing what addicts do.
I can't tell you what you should do; no one can. I was just trying to relate my life experiences to you and what I have learned in the last year or so. After being married as long as I had (25 years), it was incredibly hard to accept the reality that my husband is a drug addict and most of my life was a lie.
When I finally reached the point that the pain of staying married to him was worse then the pain of finally letting him go and giving up whatever control over him that I thought I had, my life started getting better. It was hard at first, but I can honestly say that I am not sorry and that I am happier and more at peace then I have been since I met this man.
Nothing has been settled legally yet, but that doesn't matter to me now. I know that I will be OK and I can take care of myself and my kids. I have done it all along, anyway.
So I guess if you want my opinion-and that is all it is-I would say don't give him ultimatums. Yes, in my opinion you should keep the RO in place and enforce the no contact rule. You don't have to file for divorce if you are not ready or sure that you want to do that, but I just don't think ultimatums work.
If he is truly ready to seek recovery for addiction and abuse, then he should be ready to do it regardless of what you do or do not do. He should be doing it for the only person he can control-himself. And you need to be doing whatever you decide to do for the only person YOU can control and that is you. If he is as much like my ex as he sounds, he may stay clean for awhile but unless he is in recovery (which goes way beyond just abstinence from the drugs) when he relapses it will likely be your fault all over again and you will be back to square one.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
I hope its OK that I went ahead and posted this when I couldn't pm you. I didn't want to lose it because as usual I got kind of longwinded. Sorry.
Yeah-I used to scrape dope off of counters in the workroom, garage, bathroom, pretty much everywhere. I would scrape it up and put it in baggies and show it to him and he would still deny it- even when I took a picture of him passed out on the couch with the white powder all over his nostrils. I drove myself crazy playing detective until I accepted the fact that it really didn't make any difference and stopped doing it.
What I meant by giving him his life back is that, for me in my marriage, I had to really come to the understanding within myself that there was nothing that I could do or say that was going to change him.
I gave him all kinds of ultimatums over the years but even if he 'changed' for a little while he always went back to using and then he was blaming me for somehow not being enough to keep him happy.
After I started looking for help for myself instead of for him, I started to understand that everything I thought I was doing in the name of helping him was only helping him stay a drug addict.
I filed for divorce three times before now and every time I believed that he meant every word of the promises he made when I took him back. I believe even now that he meant them, he just wasn't able to keep them because he is an addict and he was just doing what addicts do.
I can't tell you what you should do; no one can. I was just trying to relate my life experiences to you and what I have learned in the last year or so. After being married as long as I had (25 years), it was incredibly hard to accept the reality that my husband is a drug addict and most of my life was a lie.
When I finally reached the point that the pain of staying married to him was worse then the pain of finally letting him go and giving up whatever control over him that I thought I had, my life started getting better. It was hard at first, but I can honestly say that I am not sorry and that I am happier and more at peace then I have been since I met this man.
Nothing has been settled legally yet, but that doesn't matter to me now. I know that I will be OK and I can take care of myself and my kids. I have done it all along, anyway.
So I guess if you want my opinion-and that is all it is-I would say don't give him ultimatums. Yes, in my opinion you should keep the RO in place and enforce the no contact rule. You don't have to file for divorce if you are not ready or sure that you want to do that, but I just don't think ultimatums work.
If he is truly ready to seek recovery for addiction and abuse, then he should be ready to do it regardless of what you do or do not do. He should be doing it for the only person he can control-himself. And you need to be doing whatever you decide to do for the only person YOU can control and that is you. If he is as much like my ex as he sounds, he may stay clean for awhile but unless he is in recovery (which goes way beyond just abstinence from the drugs) when he relapses it will likely be your fault all over again and you will be back to square one.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
duet-thanks
for the great and insightful post.
has anyone read the book "lies at the alter" by Robyn Smith ? (she is a psychologist thats always on oprah). She was in a serious realtionship once for a long time with an addict..she says during that time "she lost herself", as her mates lies blossomed, she was being killed softly. her life during those years were a lie.
I feel that my life with my ah has also been a lie...i found something he had written back in july of 2000 and it said he knows he does things that are wrong, and he tries to seperate himself from the guilt. If he is talking about using, i had no idea that it was even going on back then. also, i found a list he had written in 2001.. it said things to look forward to, and on the list was pain kill (short for pain killers, im thinking). Again, i had no idea he was using back then...so i feel like who is this man i am married to and for how long has our marriage been a lie.????
What makes him think that he can do whatever he wants in a marriage??, and not have to take any responsiblity for it?? how dare he blame me for ruining our kids lives---how dare he!!! How dare he not be a man and own up to his problems and the horror he created in our lives!! who does he think he is that he has the right to destroy 3 other peoples lives because he wants to feel better!! How does he live with himself, how does he sleep at night?? all the lies he has told---the manipulation, the abuse.....how does he justify it all in his mind?? does he think i dont have any reasonable reasons to file for divorce???? does he think hes above the law in that he can buy illegal drugs and socialize with drug dealers?? does he think thats ok to bring illegal drugs into our home---we are rsponsible fo rprovding a safe envirnment for our children, how dare he tell me im ruining our children's lives...how dare he!!!
ok--just needed to get that out!!
has anyone read the book "lies at the alter" by Robyn Smith ? (she is a psychologist thats always on oprah). She was in a serious realtionship once for a long time with an addict..she says during that time "she lost herself", as her mates lies blossomed, she was being killed softly. her life during those years were a lie.
I feel that my life with my ah has also been a lie...i found something he had written back in july of 2000 and it said he knows he does things that are wrong, and he tries to seperate himself from the guilt. If he is talking about using, i had no idea that it was even going on back then. also, i found a list he had written in 2001.. it said things to look forward to, and on the list was pain kill (short for pain killers, im thinking). Again, i had no idea he was using back then...so i feel like who is this man i am married to and for how long has our marriage been a lie.????
What makes him think that he can do whatever he wants in a marriage??, and not have to take any responsiblity for it?? how dare he blame me for ruining our kids lives---how dare he!!! How dare he not be a man and own up to his problems and the horror he created in our lives!! who does he think he is that he has the right to destroy 3 other peoples lives because he wants to feel better!! How does he live with himself, how does he sleep at night?? all the lies he has told---the manipulation, the abuse.....how does he justify it all in his mind?? does he think i dont have any reasonable reasons to file for divorce???? does he think hes above the law in that he can buy illegal drugs and socialize with drug dealers?? does he think thats ok to bring illegal drugs into our home---we are rsponsible fo rprovding a safe envirnment for our children, how dare he tell me im ruining our children's lives...how dare he!!!
ok--just needed to get that out!!
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
drainedwife,
He's not thinking at all and certainly not thinking clearly. He's an addict and their minds are totally distorted as soon as they start abusing drugs. He's not the same person at all. He's mentally out of whack. The longer that he's used, the less his mind works properly. Please read the Sticky at the top of the forum about What Addicts Do. Again, if you have already. Please believe me that his mind is warped. He's not thinking clearly at all. He's not a normal man or husband or father right now. He's an addict and that's all consuming for him.
He's not thinking at all and certainly not thinking clearly. He's an addict and their minds are totally distorted as soon as they start abusing drugs. He's not the same person at all. He's mentally out of whack. The longer that he's used, the less his mind works properly. Please read the Sticky at the top of the forum about What Addicts Do. Again, if you have already. Please believe me that his mind is warped. He's not thinking clearly at all. He's not a normal man or husband or father right now. He's an addict and that's all consuming for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
I feel that my life with my ah has also been a lie!
Dw, that is something i struggled with as well...A relationship with an addict is a big lie really because they are lying to themselves, so how can they be honest with anyone else?
Duet has some incredibly wise words there, and they are all true....Even now sometimes when i feel weak i go back and read what people on here origionally posted to me in the beginning to what i wrote and it helps me all over again...
With some time and distance from him things will seem so much more clear.
One thing i learned is that an addict is INCAPABLE of making any kind of a promise.
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