Time Has Come To Share
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Time Has Come To Share
Dear Friends, I have been trying very hard to handle this on my own but I just can't do it anymore.
I know you know about my AS & the problems I have had. I have also shared about my younger son being a single dad & going to school etc etc. My husband & I have been helping him raise his 2 young sons going on two yrs. Evrything was good when he was on unemployment but that stopped the 3rd wk in March. Since that time our family ( my hubby & myself & my parents ) have been helping him with his bills. He started to work a couple of wks ago, and we are hoping he will soon not need anymore financial help from us.
Now heres the hard part. I found out not long ago that hes been smoking pot. I was not too upset about it at first as I have always thought it was kind of a benign drug compared to the rest. Being a product of the 60's both my husband & myself have tried it many yrs ago but as everyone says the stuff we were exposed to is nothing like the stuff they have today. I admit when he spent money on it if he then needed help I would help him.
The problem is I just can't deal with it or him anymore. No matter how much money this kid gets it is never enough. As long as he smokes this crap I know now there will never be enough money. If you tell him you are short & you don't have it he winds up having a temper tantrum & boy it is very ugly when you see a grown man behaving like a 2 yr old. He had $70 on Sunday. My parents gave him $50 for his Birthday & I gave him $20. Yesterday he said he needed gas, etc & I gave him another $30. Now again today he wants money from me & I just don't have it. He gets pd on Thursday & says he'll give it back but I know he has bills to pay & its not going to be enough. Plus I really don't have it. You think at age 33 he would understand that but he doesn't. I cannot believe anyone would act this way over pot.
I need help dealing with this & I don't want to say too much to my husband as he gets really upset.
Love,
Diane
I know you know about my AS & the problems I have had. I have also shared about my younger son being a single dad & going to school etc etc. My husband & I have been helping him raise his 2 young sons going on two yrs. Evrything was good when he was on unemployment but that stopped the 3rd wk in March. Since that time our family ( my hubby & myself & my parents ) have been helping him with his bills. He started to work a couple of wks ago, and we are hoping he will soon not need anymore financial help from us.
Now heres the hard part. I found out not long ago that hes been smoking pot. I was not too upset about it at first as I have always thought it was kind of a benign drug compared to the rest. Being a product of the 60's both my husband & myself have tried it many yrs ago but as everyone says the stuff we were exposed to is nothing like the stuff they have today. I admit when he spent money on it if he then needed help I would help him.
The problem is I just can't deal with it or him anymore. No matter how much money this kid gets it is never enough. As long as he smokes this crap I know now there will never be enough money. If you tell him you are short & you don't have it he winds up having a temper tantrum & boy it is very ugly when you see a grown man behaving like a 2 yr old. He had $70 on Sunday. My parents gave him $50 for his Birthday & I gave him $20. Yesterday he said he needed gas, etc & I gave him another $30. Now again today he wants money from me & I just don't have it. He gets pd on Thursday & says he'll give it back but I know he has bills to pay & its not going to be enough. Plus I really don't have it. You think at age 33 he would understand that but he doesn't. I cannot believe anyone would act this way over pot.
I need help dealing with this & I don't want to say too much to my husband as he gets really upset.
Love,
Diane
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Sounds like he is manipilating and you guys are enabling. Is this the son with the two children? It becomes complicated when grandkids are involved. Be careful with the enabling as it is a slippery slope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
another one.... i am so sorry...me? i would not give him any money.that is enableing him. let him work these problems out on his own.yes, it is hard when there are children involved.say a prayer & let go.i will say one too.hugs, hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Rozied, Another good book is "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" by Charles Rubin and another is "Parenting Your Adult Child" by Ross Campbell, M.D. and Gary Chapman. The first book deals with substance abuse and the second with just overly-dependent adult children. Sorry you are going through this, but as long as he knows you will cough up the extra money, he will never learn to be responsible. Hugs, Marle
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My son admits that he is spending about $400 a month on pot... sheesh.
He makes minimum wage and is working a second job in order to support his habit.
Which I am guessing is more than he admits it to be.
Not only is pot far stronger than that we used "back in the day" - it is far more expensive.
He makes minimum wage and is working a second job in order to support his habit.
Which I am guessing is more than he admits it to be.
Not only is pot far stronger than that we used "back in the day" - it is far more expensive.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hope, I said the exact same thing " not another one " I feel like getting on a slow boat to China with my hubby & never looking back. Thanxs for the hugs, I am sending you one too as I know we all need them.
Marle, I will ck on Amazon regarding those bks. I can use all the help I can get. I have already informed him that I cut his brother loose & I can do it to him also. I refuse to be intimated anymore. I had been so very sick for so long it was sometimes easier to give in but now that I am strong again & I must stand my ground.
BigSis, At least he is wking 2 jobs to support his habit but doesn't he see with that much money he could have a new car or a vacation in the islands not just see it go up in smoke??? How old is your son & does he still live with you?
I really don't know whats wrong with the young people now a days.
I am really glad I posted about this, it was too much to carry by myself.
Love,
Diane
Marle, I will ck on Amazon regarding those bks. I can use all the help I can get. I have already informed him that I cut his brother loose & I can do it to him also. I refuse to be intimated anymore. I had been so very sick for so long it was sometimes easier to give in but now that I am strong again & I must stand my ground.
BigSis, At least he is wking 2 jobs to support his habit but doesn't he see with that much money he could have a new car or a vacation in the islands not just see it go up in smoke??? How old is your son & does he still live with you?
I really don't know whats wrong with the young people now a days.
I am really glad I posted about this, it was too much to carry by myself.
Love,
Diane
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Hey Diane.. I PM'd you.
I am so very very sorry. Been thru it with an addict and a pot user... it is a bad scene.
You need to cut off the money tree. I have no advice regarding your Grandchildren. I can say that pot use can keep him from a lot of good jobs cuz he won't test clean.
(((((Diane)))))
I am so very very sorry. Been thru it with an addict and a pot user... it is a bad scene.
You need to cut off the money tree. I have no advice regarding your Grandchildren. I can say that pot use can keep him from a lot of good jobs cuz he won't test clean.
(((((Diane)))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Glad you feel better! You stay strong! Do not budge one inch!! Yeah, your AS is going to throw a fit because for years you gave in and now you are NOT and he doesn't like the change in behaviour!! Too bad for him! All that $$ you gave him, YOU could have had a new car or a trip to the islands! As a matter of fact, every time he asks you for money, say no, and then take however much he asked you for and put in a specail account just for that trip! I'll bet you save enough for it in no time!!
hugs
PS and if he quits asking, just put it aside anyways for YOU!!
hugs
PS and if he quits asking, just put it aside anyways for YOU!!
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
addiction is insatiable and the addict never has enough ... it is the bottomless pit .. for them .. .trying to keep the addiction fed is a full time job ... for us ... trying to fill that void is impossible ... and we end up beat up from the feet up .. needing a check up from the neck up ... tore up from the floor up .. and broke too boot!
Last edited by nytepassion; 06-19-2007 at 01:04 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Rozied,
I am so glad you are reading that book! That book has been such a life changer for me. I could never really understand my family of origin. I do now! I was a BRAT and my parents loved me. There wasn't and isn't anything they wouldn't do for me. After getting sober for some time my dependence on them lessened but still wasn't REALLY gone. After reading that book I really do try and solve my own problems without going to them first. I am constantly checking my motives.
Since reading that book my whole behavior with my ABF has changed too. Not perfect but much, much better. Especially when his brother and he goooooooo onnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnn about their terrible childhood. Ya know, they did have a bad time, but I see it now. Their mother totally rescued them. Their stories don't even phase me anymore.
I hope the book does the same for you
Hugs,
Lithloren
Originally Posted by rozied 
Yes it is the son raising his 2 kids alone. You are right I have been enabling & I want to stop. I am reading the book The Manipulative Child & boy can I see us in it.
Since reading that book my whole behavior with my ABF has changed too. Not perfect but much, much better. Especially when his brother and he goooooooo onnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnn about their terrible childhood. Ya know, they did have a bad time, but I see it now. Their mother totally rescued them. Their stories don't even phase me anymore.
I hope the book does the same for you
Hugs,
Lithloren
been around the block...
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Happy Universe
Posts: 32
(((Rozied)))
Sometimes helping our children is taking us away from helping ourselves. Perhaps he will find his recovery as you focus on yours...not his. All said with love. I have a son who is waffling himself with sobriety. For me, what works is focusing on me and my marriage.
Hugs,
Here_I_Am
Sometimes helping our children is taking us away from helping ourselves. Perhaps he will find his recovery as you focus on yours...not his. All said with love. I have a son who is waffling himself with sobriety. For me, what works is focusing on me and my marriage.
Hugs,
Here_I_Am
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Rozied, I agree...the money is just enabling. One of my husband's cousins smokes pot...No idea how much, but he has since in his teens and he just gets more and more immature and irresponsible. His mother does everything for him and tells everyone what to say or do to "not upset D." I've never seen anyone so completely absorbed in running a grown person's life. The man is over 50 but mom comes over and cleans his house, keeps his checking account for him, buys the gifts for family occassions, etc. When she suggests things to him and he doesn't want to hear it, he treats her with complete disrespect...and she allows it. I truly believe she is as addicted to the codependency as he is to the pot. My point is, if you let it, it will take over the rest of your life. It's only when we decide we will no longer accept the unacceptable that anything can change.
Saying no may be hard the first time, but it gets easier each time and eventually he will stop asking. At this point his "budget' includes whatever he can get from you and the more you give, the more he will take.
I imagine the best way to handle an adult's temper tantrum is the same way I handle the 2 year olds...ignore it; don't reward poor behavior with attention and emotion. After a little "time out" he may realize that his poor conduct is not going to get the desired results.
I'm so sorry Rozied...I know you and Mr R would just like some peace. Keep practicing what you have learned and you will find serenity!
Saying no may be hard the first time, but it gets easier each time and eventually he will stop asking. At this point his "budget' includes whatever he can get from you and the more you give, the more he will take.
I imagine the best way to handle an adult's temper tantrum is the same way I handle the 2 year olds...ignore it; don't reward poor behavior with attention and emotion. After a little "time out" he may realize that his poor conduct is not going to get the desired results.
I'm so sorry Rozied...I know you and Mr R would just like some peace. Keep practicing what you have learned and you will find serenity!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((((Rozied)))), So sorry hon, that you have to go through this with another son.
This is a little something that my son emailed to me a while back and I read it every day. "When we do for other people what they should do for themselves, we both stay stuck. One of the first changes we can make is to let go of others, their opinions, their behaviors, and their responsibilities. Our need for them to fulfill our expectations is related to our insecurity, not theirs. Every time we preach or take on others' duties we must recognize that we are preventing much-needed growth, ours and theirs.
Our intentions might always have been good. But the time has come to let others live their own lives. It's quite enough to take care of ourselves.
I hope this helps.
Hugs and prayers.................Lois
This is a little something that my son emailed to me a while back and I read it every day. "When we do for other people what they should do for themselves, we both stay stuck. One of the first changes we can make is to let go of others, their opinions, their behaviors, and their responsibilities. Our need for them to fulfill our expectations is related to our insecurity, not theirs. Every time we preach or take on others' duties we must recognize that we are preventing much-needed growth, ours and theirs.
Our intentions might always have been good. But the time has come to let others live their own lives. It's quite enough to take care of ourselves.
I hope this helps.
Hugs and prayers.................Lois
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I did it again.............posted but forgot to hit reply.
Lith, The book is great. I cn't wait to get to the chapter that tells you how to deal with it.
It never ceases to amaze me all the support found here.
Thank you all. I will stay strong money is too hard to come by to see it go up in smoke!!!
Lith, The book is great. I cn't wait to get to the chapter that tells you how to deal with it.
It never ceases to amaze me all the support found here.
Thank you all. I will stay strong money is too hard to come by to see it go up in smoke!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rozied, it took me forever and cost me literally thousands of dollars before I had the courage to say "Sorry, I can't help you".
If he has a temper tantrum, then treat him as you would any child using their temper to get their way....ignore it and let him stomp his feet.
If we could buy their sobriety, not one of us would be here. All it does is take money that we need and in the end we are the ones buying their drugs.
"No" IS a complete sentence. Just say "no" Rozie.
Hugs
If he has a temper tantrum, then treat him as you would any child using their temper to get their way....ignore it and let him stomp his feet.
If we could buy their sobriety, not one of us would be here. All it does is take money that we need and in the end we are the ones buying their drugs.
"No" IS a complete sentence. Just say "no" Rozie.
Hugs
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Ann, I will say No. There is no drug that is benign even pot. I had always thought it wasn't that bad but from coming here & reading about what it has done to alot of people I know better now.
My son has a good life now & has so much going for him I can't understand why he is risking it all for that. I will refuse to discuss this with him anymore & when he asks for money the answer will always be NO. I cannot see watching your money go up in smoke. Well it aint going to be my money........if he has a fit I will refuse to see him or talk to him until he comes to his senses. I have my own life to live with my hubby.
My son has a good life now & has so much going for him I can't understand why he is risking it all for that. I will refuse to discuss this with him anymore & when he asks for money the answer will always be NO. I cannot see watching your money go up in smoke. Well it aint going to be my money........if he has a fit I will refuse to see him or talk to him until he comes to his senses. I have my own life to live with my hubby.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I have my own life to live with my hubby".
That is the final solution, you first. You raised your boys, they are adults, they are making their own decisions.
I know you love your grandchildren, but giving your son money is not resolving anything. He is spending the money you are giving him on dope, it is not going for the granchildren...and, he made the decision to have them, they are his responsibility, to raise and support, not yours.
I am sorry for all your pain, life at your age is supposed to be peace and serenity, not chaos 24/7. Perhaps by taking your life back you will find the peace you so deserve.
That is the final solution, you first. You raised your boys, they are adults, they are making their own decisions.
I know you love your grandchildren, but giving your son money is not resolving anything. He is spending the money you are giving him on dope, it is not going for the granchildren...and, he made the decision to have them, they are his responsibility, to raise and support, not yours.
I am sorry for all your pain, life at your age is supposed to be peace and serenity, not chaos 24/7. Perhaps by taking your life back you will find the peace you so deserve.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Rozied,
I just wanted to tell you how many times I have read your post about how you realized that you and your ex-husband did not bring out the best in each other and how after leaving you met your husband. Someone that really is there for you. Someone that you love more with each passing day. I never get tired of reading of reading about it.
Thank you for all the support you provide here. I am so glad you are here
Lithloren
Originally Posted by rozied
It never ceases to amaze me all the support found here.
Thank you for all the support you provide here. I am so glad you are here
Lithloren
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