spoiledogz

My first post....
Caileesnana referred me to this site and I have enjoyed the posts I have read so far. My 23 yr old daughter is the alcoholic/addict in my life. Called and asked for help on Sunday (first time). She is currently in detox...wait and see I guess.

I learned last year to turn off all the phones in the house at night...couldn't take the 3am drunk calls to ask me for favors and then cuss me if I wouldn't jump up at that moment and do them. That was hard for me. But I decided that if there was a "real" emergency..someone could come and get me.

I try not to nag too much...don't give her money, don't pay bills for her, don't bail her out.

The hardest thing for me is that I still feel like a failure.....

Maybe there was something I did (or didn't do) when I was raising her that made her this way....

This is the most painful thing I have ever been through...

caileesnana

Hello--glad you're here. I felt like a failure too, but you will learn that all parents felt like that, but we didn't fail. Our kids choose to do what they do!
Hope you like it here!
susan

spoiledogz

I cried as I typed that post.....and she called during that time. I just want a "normal" mother/daughter relationship....trying to be hopeful

marle

Spoiledogz, Welcome. I posted a reply on the other thread but wanted to say welcome again. I know the feeling of just wanting things to be normal. My addict is my 21 year old daughter, only child. This forum was a Godsend and kept me from losing my mind during my darkest days. My daughter has not gotten better, but I did. Hugs, Marle

spoiledogz

Thanks caileesnana and Marle. I do appreciate the support. I am looking forward to reading/learning more.

hope213

welcome spoiledogZ,you are in the right place.sadly there is alot of moms here with addict children. my son is the addict in my life.i understand the feeling of wanting a normal life with our children.this is not your fault. we raise them the best we can & they make a wrong choice.there choice,their consequences. please read around.there is alot of info here & alot of help for us.we can not help them but we can learn to live with their choices & we can learn to let go & let God.prayers for you & your daughter, hope

greeteachday

Welcome Spoiled, I'm so sorry that you have to be here, but I think you'll find that the support, experience and hope of some really wonderful caring folks here will make a difference and help you to continue to move forward.

You've taken some great steps to help yourself already and I hope as you learn more about addiction and its affect on us, you will be able to let go of the guilt. I certainly believe that addiction and alcoholism is a disease...nothing we as parents did or didn't do causes it. Over 95% of all kids experiment with something at some time...did all those parents fail? I know I experimented and I don't consider my parents bad or wrong...I just was lucky; I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol. My children weren't that lucky unfortunately.

I find coming here and going to Naranon meetings to be wonderful ways to help me help myself. I can't change what was, but I can enjoy today and have hope for the future. Hugs and prayers for you and your daughter.

mooselips

spoiledogz,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
As you already know, great people, great support!

Ah...that feeling of guilt, yeppers, I had it too, BOTH of my sons have addiction, so I had those feelings of guilt doubly...(is that a word? LOL)...at first. It's something all us parents probably do, and one reason we're here.
We take the consequences of their actions to heart.

So, no more guilt, wasn't anything you did or said, or the way she was raised...nope it wasn't.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
you can't cure it....


Hugs from one mom to another....

BigSis

Hi! Another mom, here.

I have read and read and read and READ about addiction and alcholism (same thing, I think). Been with my 2 kids through 4 or 5 rehabs... lots of family weeks and 3 years here at SR and 3 years of Alanon.

Alanon and SR have been the biggest help.

But after all that, I am absolutely convinced this is a disease/condition that is a predisposition that is inherited. I am no more "responsible" for this, than I am for their blue eyes.

Try some open AA or NA meetings... especially speaker meetings. If you are not yet up to that, order some "speaker tapes" - both AA and Alanon...listen in your car. Amazing stuff. Just type AA speaker tape or Alanon speaker tape into a Google search engine. In fact, type in Mary Pearl Alanon and see what you get - now SHE is a kick in the butt!

Then let me know if you still feel "blame" and "responsibility" for her drinking.


(((hugs))))


Welcome!!

Elana

Welcome! Sorry you had to come here but glad you did.

I am not a Mom but I can tell you that getting thru all this is a lot easier with the help of SR and the ppl here. You have found a good place to come.

BTW I have spoildogz and spoiledcatz... I am totally codependent to them all, and the dog is being trained by the cats to be their codependent, slave, servant and someone they can take out their frustrations on.

Louise54

Welcome to SR. My addict is my 22 year old son. He is currently out of rehab and doing well so far. But I'm still holding my breath. I know the feeling of failure well. I would analyze everything I did for him (did I spoil him, baby him, etc.) But when he came home from rehab he kept telling me mom, it's a disease and I have probably inherited it. I did tell him that it does run in my husband's father's side of the family.

Hang in there and keep posting. This site really is a godsend.

Jwife22

((((spoiled))) welcome.....great advice above.

parentrecovers

hello and welcome, spoiledogz. my daughter is 23. she is also an addict and an alcoholic. she's had a lot of treatment this year, and continues to relapse. she often says she'd like a normal family relationship. my answer to that is now, "then do normal things."

keep posting. and i'm praying for you and your daughter. very glad she found her way to detox, be grateful.

blessings, k

spoiledogz

Thanks everyone....

After 5 days in detox they offered her OUT-PATIENT!! I couldn't believe it..and of course that is what she was hoping for. I knew that she wouldn't go to any meetings though.

Finally, I got her to agree to go to an in-patient facility for women only. I have heard good things about it. The detox facility took her to her new digs last night. I talked to her a couple of times and she was trying to get settled in...she sounded good. Another girl from detox went with her as well.

hopeful....

havehope

Welcome Spoiledogz
The addict in my life is my 20 yr old daughter. Haven't spoken to her since Feb. It breaks my heart so I know how you feel. I think she is clean, but not working her recovery so I am "still to blame for her horrible life".
Much good advice before me. I think what helped me the ost when I first came here were the 3 "C's". As Moose said:
I didn't cause it
I can't cure it
I can't control it

I just kept repeating this everytime I dealt with her addiction drama.
Keep posting here. I've found this place to be a godsend.
Hugs from one mom to another
Terri

notsleepingwell

Another mom of an addict here. It's soooo hard not to feel responsible. We've all been there. But you didn't raise your daughter to be an addict.

You will find this site to be a Godsend!! There are angels here who will reach out and comfort you at any time of day. We're open 24/7....so pull up a chair and join us. Lots of reading to do to help...esp the sticky's at the top of the page.

Sorry you find yourself here, but trust me, SR has been a rope to many a drowning mother!!

laketime

welcome my as is 20. one of the things i remember about his early stages of rehab when we were harboring a lot of guilt and thinking this had to be our fault somehow, was our after care leader saying to us "that is the biggest crock of sh** ive ever heard, you can't make anyone use anymore than you can make them quit" i think i will always remeber that if for my sanity only