DaVinci2

I had a rough couple of hours from my last post.

I came home from work having not taken any benzo. I had a backache most of the day, but that was not a biggie. When I got home my wife was cooking dinner, which is rare. I usually do the cooking. When she cooks, I'm always happy. Anyways, here's how it all went to hell...

I just finished posting here on the forum when she walks in and says "Here's your dinner." She's very insistant that I stop what I do and eat whenever dinner is ready which gets on my nerves when it's something important. It wasn't important to get the post finished, so I went to sit down.

Usually, I say the Japanese version of 'bon appetite' which is good manners. Or I just say thank you for cooking. I said thank you, but she didn't hear. She said "Are you eating." I thought she thought I was still on the computer and was making sure I was eating. Then she complained about me starting without saying anything. I jump up, go to the kitchen, give her a kiss and say thank you.

As I head back to the living room to eat, she starts cleaning little parts of the kitchen. I tell her to stop and enjoy dinner with me. As she comes into the living room she notices the cameras on the floor (We received a collection of old cameras from her father that I've been cleaning). She says something that makes me angry "Maybe you don't care about <insert whatever> but..." and this time it was about the cameras. I tell her that I've told her not to say that because it's not that I don't care. There's a good reason that the cameras are on the floor (I won't go into them now) but I told her. She got angry. I told her I lost my appetite...because I did and I was angry that in 20 minutes we went from happy to angry with no good reason.

There were moments I wanted to lash out in anger. I couldn't...not just because I knew it was a bad idea to make the situation worse with more anger, but because I felt (And tell me if you've felt this) that if I talked loud or yelled or got angrier that my brain would just shutoff, that I would pass out or that something inside my head would just 'break'.

Eventually, I could see that she was trying to make things better by changing the topic of conversation. She started to eat a bit and I followed. It was quiet from that moment on. During that time, my back pain shot up. I decided to take a hot bath. About 5 minutes into the bath my mind was on the arguement. I tried talking to myself as though I were explaining my feelings to someone in front of me. My anxiety shot up. I felt pretty bad, lept out of the bath and took my 11pm benzos an hour early. I think I started to feel depressed, like I need to cry (Which is not something I've done for a long time). To make things worse (See last post if you don't understand) I have to be up earlier tomorrow than usual...and now I can't get to sleep. I took another sleep pill...once I took that, I started to relax and calm down. I felt I still needed to get this out, and this seemed like the best place to do it.

There are no real therapists here, not that I could afford one. My doctor sees me for 15 minutes a day and is just a pill pusher who says I have to learn to relax. No real help here. My mom says "Once you get back to Canada we'll figure things out."...I hope we get to Canada by December.

Feel free to comment or give advice...