newenglandgirl

So after a couple of weeks of not receiving any voicemails/texts from my STBXAH, I got 2 voicemails this weekend. He's been travelling alone...spending lots of money...seeing a girl he got hooked up with via an old friend...she lives many states away and he's gone to see her once, and now has plans to see her again shortly. Ok, so how do I know all of this if I don't talk to him? Let's just say I know his passwords.

His voicemails yesterday were nothing new...just more of the same...him sounding drunk and sad and telling me how much he misses me and how bad he's messed up in the head. So, yeah, they make me feel sorry for him. So sad what what drinking does to a person...what kind of man he could have been if he didn't have a thing for the drink, etc.

I'm trying really, really hard to feel my feelings for the first time in my life. I'm being hyper viligent of my tendency to stuff them. So this brings me to the second thing I wanted to say...

So, after I hear these voicemails I then read something he's written to his mother...about how how totally into this new girl he is...and how he "hates" me. And that he bought her a ring.

Wow - moving right along aren't we. That poor girl. I hope for her sake that she's takes a sec to ponder why his marriage ended and he lost his job. And why he's so quick to get involved again. But whatever....she knows he's still technically married...I can't feel too bad for that skank. (that felt good).

I get a feeling when I think about what he said...and I'm trying to sit with it. Recognize it. Really feel it. I think it's hurt.

CE Girl

PRICELESS!!!!!!


I understand your wanting to recognize the feeling your having after the recent developments. Yes, it could be hurt, but since you "qualifying" it with, you think, maybe it's worth more examination?

It's hard to hear their voice, drunk or not, and it brings out the "codie" in us no matter how much we've done to get past it. Your together girl, can tell by your posts, determined in your quest to make your life better.

Maybe you should consider the "feeling" your having as your disease talking? Bringing up the demons of the past, when it was so easy for your A to hurt you? IMHO, he's still trying to push your bottons, cause you would be a lot easier to go back to then "breaking" in someone new. I know its out there, but consider the thought. He's gotta put up with all the bs to start the manipulation process over with someone else. Thats a hell of a lot of work for an A. On the ohter hand, if you would just TRUST that he misses and love you, maybe he doesn't have to give the SKANK,,,LOL,,,the ring?

just thought mayb eI could help "sort" that feeling your having

You've been there for me NEG

Peace

dobiediva

why is it that we still have to check up on them even when they are gone? I know my ABFs passwords too. It was hell when we had broken up because I saw how quickly he moved on (because I was reading his emails!!). My ego couldn't take it and I took him back again. I believed the lies. I believed that maybe he really DID love me and she was only "to pass the time" until I came to my senses and realized how much I really meant to him. What a load of POO POO! Sad thing is that even when we are apart I long to hear from him. I really just want to hear "I'm sorry for being such an *******, treating you like shi*t, hurting you, lying to you, blaming you, I'm sorry that I can't see how much of a blessing you are to me and my life. I'm so sorry that I don't deserve you and all the unconditional love you have given to me. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you." But, as I'm learning, those are words he will never say. He doesnt' think those things because he doesn't feel them. He lies. He manipulates. He blames. I fall for it. I feel sorry for him. I believe him. I get hurt. Yet I don't want him to move on. I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt. I pray and mistakenly believes that if he hurts enough he will realize what he has done to me. But he doesn't want to realize anything. So he finds another "victim" to fill the hole that I couldn't fill. Someone else to pass the time until the next one. That's a hard reality for me to accept.

dobiediva

And I even went one more NEG--I emailed the "skank" and let her know that he was still calling me and begging me back! Figured I wasn't going to let him hurt someone else. In reality it was just a way to try to hurt him again "If I can't have you noone can" mentality. It was VERY VERY WRONG but at the time it felt pretty darn good to let him know I was on to him....and now so was she! I guess maybe I do it because I'm afraid he WILL sober up for someone and that someone won't be me. After the wasted time and effort I've put into this relationship, the pain I've gone through, the lies, hurt and despair why should I care??!?!

guineapigjude

You know, even though they blame us for all their troubles, they still want to know we're there to take care of them and clean up their messes. My STBXAH still comes around expecting me to run his errands, take care of his bills, and essentially do all his dirty work. I'm just getting to the point were I realize it's Not My Job!

CBrown

I know my ABF's passwords too, and watch his email regularly. So far he has been on the up & up with me, but I keep watching and waiting. It seems like it's only so long he can go until he cheats on me, or decides that he doesn't need me, and then the games begin. Thank you so much for your posts. It's helping me to understand ME.

MsGolightly

geeze, i'm so glad my ex changed her passwords after we broke up. but boy, i found out at one point when we were together and being "honest" with each other, that she had a whole other email account that she was emailing the "friend" she cheated on me with... they're living together now by the way... i'm SO happy i never had that password... it would have driven me crazy!

neg, this girl clearly doesn't know what's hit her... YET. you haven't even been separated from him for that long, and he's already found someone else to leech off of?! that sounds ridiculous to me.

i can imagine you're hurt, i'd be devastated. but these past few months, you've been able to learn more about yourself and what you deserve, and honey, he just isn't it! (i'd probably stop reading the emails though )

mallowcup

All that is, is him validating himself. Alcoholics latch on fast. If they can present a normal appearance and have a relationship, they convince themselves they are doing OK. If they have someone, anyone, they think they save face and certainly the problem was you.
We all know in reality, loving mature relationships don't happen that fast.
Why.....he's already got her a ring...she must be special.......good thing we know a hook when we see it.

CE Girl

ok, so we need a Sunday laugh, and it can be on me if you like

I've been thinking about NEG's thread this afternoon and thought, "hmmmm,,,I think I know my A's passwords too"

SO, I tried to get into his email!!!!
LMAO,,oh my god tooooooooo funny!!!!

Then I thought, thank the spirits I couldn't

I gotta tell ya NEG, I have NO desrie to read his email. Pretty simply put, what I don't know won't kill me. Geez, I'm having a hard enough time reading what he sends me, why would I want to see what he doesn't??!?!?!?

At the very least, mental pic of me sitting on my puter coming up with all kinds of variables to his usual naming conventions ought to put a smile on your face!!!

Peace

newenglandgirl

Last winter, when my AH got really, really crazy and sick from his drinking (not leaving the house for days on end; drinking fifths in hours; just nuts) and I had to remove myself from the situation, I was terrifed for his well-being. I had no way of knowing if he was dead or alive without going over there...which was no good for me...I started checking his email to see if he was alive.

It helped me sleep at night knowing that he had not died by himself in his room. As the months went on, I've just kept doing it. I know it's probably not the most moral thing to do. But I have to tell you, it's really helped me stay in touch with reality. He'll tell me one thing and then send emails saying something else...and it helps me stay angry and strong...instead of thinking (falsely) that he's just so alone and needing me.

Boy, just reading what I wrote has made some lightbulbs go off for me...hmmmm...

dobiediva

We're one sick bunch of people aren't we?!

CE Girl

THANKS DD,,that one made me SMILE/GIGGLE BIG TIME!!!!!!

NEG, I'm curious, What "lightbulbs" went off?

Peace

kglast

Girls - we are truly all in the same boat - Mine called last night - of course at 10:30 - didn't answer but felt good to know he was thinking about me and trying to reach me. why??? validation maybe that the relationship wasn't nothing? when in my head i know he was drunk and God only knows why he was calling.... Dobie - I relate exactly with your post. Exactly how I feel.

chero

Sick, sick, sick!

I was sad because mine didn't call me on his own.

TexasGirl

When I moved out, XAH stopped working, so he didn't have an e-mail to check anymore. I found my own obsession.....watching his bank account since I had that password. I would watch the bar charges rack up and the dinners at nice restaurants with pricetags that could only be for two and get myself all riled up. The friends here on SR would tell me that I should not, for my own emotional sanity, be checking that information. I just couldn't quit. Looking back, I shouldn't have done it, both to myself and to him as a snoop. But the thing I found the most interesting is that being TG Private Investigators, Inc ran its course. I got bored seeing the same thing over and over. I got tired of getting angry about how much money he was blowing. I didn't stop altogether, but I did slow down from daily to weekly. Then maybe monthly. Now, I don't even look. I don't care. It's going to say the same thing day in and day out, so why waste my time making myself miserable? Now that I've come out the other side (of that anyway), I want to "help" you see that you're messing with your own mind, but I also know that when you're done, you'll be done. We've all been there. So I guess the point of this post is to say, hey, you're not the only one doing these things, but have faith that it will pass.

(((NEG)))

kglast

i would watch the cell phone bill as we were on a shared plan - in fact, just got the latest one today. i shut his line off about three weeks ago so i can't do that anymore, but if he still had the line on my account, i know i wouldn't be able to resist scanning the call details trying to figure out who everyone was...you are not crazy, NEG - just part of letting to (or at least i am hoping!)

newenglandgirl

Thanks guys.

Yeah, I do agree that it's crazy-making (yet, although, at times, it's honestly SANE-making) and, and the same time, a necessary part of letting go that has to run its course.

My desire to check his email has definitely dwindled down over the months; so I know I'm moving on, slowly but surely. It's so nice to know that I am not the only one who snoops. It's really hard to go from being best friends with someone, to their caretaker, to all of sudden having to supposedly cut off all contact. What we've gone through with our A's is just plain traumatic...whether we're codies or not, it's just simply human to struggle with letting a partner go due to an addiction.

CE - the lightbulb that went off really isn't all that profound...just that as I wrote that I realized how obsessed I sounded (am?). It was a moment of self-awareness.

TexasGirl

Yes, it is. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm feeling better, and it sounds like you are too.

cagefree

He!! yes!

Bjen

Is it a codie thing or just a girl thing? We are a silly species. I'm glad mine doesn't have email or a cell phone anymore. In fact, I am fortunate enough that he is in jail AND if he found a girlfriend, - I really don't want to know. LOL
But I've been there before in all my years with him. We were engaged about 10 years ago, he left me for another, destroyed me, broke my 22 year old heart, literally ruined the sweet naive girl I was, and married the gal he left me for. He told me later it was because she asked him and he was going back to prison and thought no one else would want him. I cried and told him I would have wanted him, I wanted to marry him and how could he think that? I told him that after he got divorced 3 years later and we got back together ( 7 years ago). I guess that is where I thank God he married her and we never did. He didn't really love her anyway but he needed her. His fragile alcoholic mind needed SOMEONE, anyone. They make us feel weak but it is them who are the weakest. Sad but true.

I hate alcoholism. Hang in there NEG - your doing good.