So sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hamburg, NY
Posts: 20
So sad
My twin sister is in the hospital right now and is so angry with me. She was showing up to work drunk, driving her children drunk, passing out without taking care of them, (18 month old twins) etc. I told her that I didn't even know who she was anymore, and she said that I have hurt her deeply and she doesn't want to speak to me. Also said that I am getting in the way of her recovery. I have let her and her problems run my life for years. I know she has to focus on herself right now, but I can't help feeling hurt. Any advice?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
She's manipulating you, she's also projecting bigtime. When a normal healthy life seems so preverted to her.....you have hurt her deeply?......and a big correction....you haven't gotten in the way of her recovery, you have gotten in the way of her drinking. Make no mistake, she has no intention of focusing on her, that's why she is so clear on your faults and so oblivious to her own.
She's mad, so what.
Of course it hurts you deeply, that's whay I'd stay away from her cutting remarks. They aren't true. She wants you to regret coming between you and a drink. She wants it to hurt you more to intervene than to just stay out of it.
If she wants you out of her life all she has to do is quit drinking.
Thank YOU. On behalf or those twins, ThankYou! On behalf of those of us out on the road, thank you. On behalf of pediatric nurses everywhere, thank you for one less senseless admission.
She's mad, so what.
Of course it hurts you deeply, that's whay I'd stay away from her cutting remarks. They aren't true. She wants you to regret coming between you and a drink. She wants it to hurt you more to intervene than to just stay out of it.
If she wants you out of her life all she has to do is quit drinking.
Thank YOU. On behalf or those twins, ThankYou! On behalf of those of us out on the road, thank you. On behalf of pediatric nurses everywhere, thank you for one less senseless admission.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Twinsis!
Wow did your post bring back memories. I had a similar episode with my sister who I found passed out leaving my 2 year old niece unsupervised. I did the normal codie behavior, checked bottle levels, called to check up on her, unannounced visits, etc. I was concerned not only for her, but especially for my little niece.
My relationship with her went straight to the depths of hell! What had once been a very close and loving relationship is no more, and, probably never will be again. Looking back though, it was a very sick relationship. This was years ago, but knowing what I know now, I can understand why my sister was so angry. She was my older sister and always thought that she should be someone I looked up to. Then the roles got reversed (as in me looking out for her) and that didn't sit well with her.
She has never forgiven me for checking up on her and as a result spent years being as cruel towards me as she possible could. Revenge was her code of the day! She brainwashed my niece, who she knew I also loved very deeply against me. The little girl who used to run up to me with hugs and kisses (and who once asked if I would be her 'mommy' - YIKES) grew to hate me. She stuck her tongue out at me, said "I was bad", would hit me in the face and throw things at me. Of course I knew this was not her fault. She was being fed this garbage.
Then for YEARS when my family and I called on the holidays (she lives out of state), she would speak to each and every person in the house to wish them a Merry Christmas, and went it got to my turn, she hung up on me. I was humiliated in front of the whole family. They kept on asking me what did I say that made her so mad? I replied, "all I said was hello, Merry Christmas". Then my brother (her new best friend) would get a smug look on his face and just laugh at me. Can you say "Very s-i-c-k family"!!!
For the longest time, I still loved my sister, and cared, but from a distance. It was kind of like detaching...a survival skill I used to keep the pain and cruelty at arms length. That lasted only so long and unfortunately, it killed something inside me. She has never apologized, but then again, neither have I.
She did not do AA, but rather saw a counselor and did a stint in a 'hospital' several times for awhile....a place that she never wanted to leave. Her husband told me that her doctors felt that she might one day be able to drink again, but for now, no. (S-I-G-H)!! I don't know if she drinks anymore or not.
I wish I could have shared a happier outcome to my story with you. But I do understand how it must hurt you. Have you tried Alanon yet? I wish I had known about it back then.
Keep coming back and read as much here as you can. Take a look at the stickies up at the top of the forum as well....loads of good stuff there to help you.
Originally Posted by twinsis 
. I told her that I didn't even know who she was anymore, and she said that I have hurt her deeply and she doesn't want to speak to me.
My relationship with her went straight to the depths of hell! What had once been a very close and loving relationship is no more, and, probably never will be again. Looking back though, it was a very sick relationship. This was years ago, but knowing what I know now, I can understand why my sister was so angry. She was my older sister and always thought that she should be someone I looked up to. Then the roles got reversed (as in me looking out for her) and that didn't sit well with her.
She has never forgiven me for checking up on her and as a result spent years being as cruel towards me as she possible could. Revenge was her code of the day! She brainwashed my niece, who she knew I also loved very deeply against me. The little girl who used to run up to me with hugs and kisses (and who once asked if I would be her 'mommy' - YIKES) grew to hate me. She stuck her tongue out at me, said "I was bad", would hit me in the face and throw things at me. Of course I knew this was not her fault. She was being fed this garbage.
Then for YEARS when my family and I called on the holidays (she lives out of state), she would speak to each and every person in the house to wish them a Merry Christmas, and went it got to my turn, she hung up on me. I was humiliated in front of the whole family. They kept on asking me what did I say that made her so mad? I replied, "all I said was hello, Merry Christmas". Then my brother (her new best friend) would get a smug look on his face and just laugh at me. Can you say "Very s-i-c-k family"!!!
For the longest time, I still loved my sister, and cared, but from a distance. It was kind of like detaching...a survival skill I used to keep the pain and cruelty at arms length. That lasted only so long and unfortunately, it killed something inside me. She has never apologized, but then again, neither have I.
She did not do AA, but rather saw a counselor and did a stint in a 'hospital' several times for awhile....a place that she never wanted to leave. Her husband told me that her doctors felt that she might one day be able to drink again, but for now, no. (S-I-G-H)!! I don't know if she drinks anymore or not.
I wish I could have shared a happier outcome to my story with you. But I do understand how it must hurt you. Have you tried Alanon yet? I wish I had known about it back then.
Keep coming back and read as much here as you can. Take a look at the stickies up at the top of the forum as well....loads of good stuff there to help you.
Last edited by ICU; 05-24-2007 at 02:33 AM.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome to SR TwinSis.
I agree with Mallow...manipulation. They have to have someone to blame and until they realize it is themselves they'll lash out at anyone!
Sounds like your sister is very lucky to have you. There is so much wisdom and knowledge to be gleaned from the people here. So keep asking your questions and read everything you can. There are stickies posted at the top of the forum page that really helped me.
Welcome!
I agree with Mallow...manipulation. They have to have someone to blame and until they realize it is themselves they'll lash out at anyone!
Sounds like your sister is very lucky to have you. There is so much wisdom and knowledge to be gleaned from the people here. So keep asking your questions and read everything you can. There are stickies posted at the top of the forum page that really helped me.
Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hamburg, NY
Posts: 20
Thank you to all fo you for sharing your stories and wisdom. I am so grateful and feel comforted by your words. I pray that my sister never has another drink, but the realisic part of me knows it may not be that easy. She may lose her job (as a teacher) and I am not sure how she will deal with all that. Or how she will deal with going back even if she doesn't get fired. I know she feels ashamed, and my aches for her in that respect. I will take notice of the stickies and will keep reading everyone's posts. This site is already a gift. Thank you, Lisa
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Best thing you can do for her is NOTHING!!!! Do not help her with anything, she needs to be allowed to face her problems all by herself, no one helping her!
That is what it took for me to start real recovery, I had to hit my bottom and the only way I was able to do that was to know I was going to face all of my problems with no one helping me in any way!
If you are buying her a hamburger you are saving her enough money to buy another drink, bail her out of jail and her problem is now yours, not hers! Put gas in the tank for her, same as the hamburger only worse because now she can drive to get something to drink and have even more money for booze.
If she calls and says she needs anything to take her kids some where, tell her you will take her kids there, but that is it.
The more you do for her thinking you are helping her the longer and more she is going to drink.
Her problems are hers, not yours! As long as you fix even one of them she will know that she still has control over you and it is safe for her to keep on drinking.
That is what it took for me to start real recovery, I had to hit my bottom and the only way I was able to do that was to know I was going to face all of my problems with no one helping me in any way!
If you are buying her a hamburger you are saving her enough money to buy another drink, bail her out of jail and her problem is now yours, not hers! Put gas in the tank for her, same as the hamburger only worse because now she can drive to get something to drink and have even more money for booze.
If she calls and says she needs anything to take her kids some where, tell her you will take her kids there, but that is it.
The more you do for her thinking you are helping her the longer and more she is going to drink.
Her problems are hers, not yours! As long as you fix even one of them she will know that she still has control over you and it is safe for her to keep on drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hamburg, NY
Posts: 20
Taz,
Wow. I never thought of all that. I guess because she has been depressed I always try to buy her things to cheer her up and make her life easier or less stressful. As she was sleeping off her bottle of southern comfort on Monday I was cleaning her house and doing her laundry. I thought I was helping. I will pass this on to the rest of the family. Thanks.
Wow. I never thought of all that. I guess because she has been depressed I always try to buy her things to cheer her up and make her life easier or less stressful. As she was sleeping off her bottle of southern comfort on Monday I was cleaning her house and doing her laundry. I thought I was helping. I will pass this on to the rest of the family. Thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: concord, nc
Posts: 304
Taz is so wise. I have been there and done that. You name it, I did it--for years. Did it help him? NO. It only prolonged the inevitable. It wasn't until I found this board that I realized how much I had enabled him. Who new about no contact? Thank goodness I now know. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello and welcome twinsis.....I too happen to have an identical twin sister and you probably feel a bit more concerned because as a twin we have a certain "connection" that we dont have with our other siblings. I know that in my life my twin and I seemed to go through periods of one twin is strong and one was weak...then the scenario would switch...I was strong and she would be the weak one. It just seemed that it mattered what stage of a relationship we were each in at the time. My twin hated and I mean despised my XAH one month and then would go to a bar with him watching him dance with women the next and all the while never telling me a word about it. It just seemed to me that she was trying to sabotage my marriage because she didnt feel he was good enough for me...what I am trying to say is that I understand the ups and downs of being a twin and the loyalty factor of being one. I remember when my ex left the kids and I for a hooch on the bar stool and filed for divorce my twin actually said: "I can't believe he's divorcing us." My mouth dropped to the floor and I said: "WHAT did you just say?" Talk about control????
Your twin sounds like a master at manipulation...our sisters must have gone to the same school...lol
Stay on your toes and let her fall...she has to "own" her actions and behaviors and the consequences. Remember - you didnt cause it - you cant control it - and you cant cure it.
Stay strong hun.
Janet
Your twin sounds like a master at manipulation...our sisters must have gone to the same school...lol
Stay on your toes and let her fall...she has to "own" her actions and behaviors and the consequences. Remember - you didnt cause it - you cant control it - and you cant cure it.
Stay strong hun.
Janet
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hamburg, NY
Posts: 20
Janet,
Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad to know someone knows how I feel.
My sister came home yesterday and is so filled with self-hate now. I can't imagine how she must be feeling, but I literally ache for her. I want to stand back and let her fall, but I need to be supportive and be her cheerleader too. I am not sure how to balance both those things.
Is it possible that showing up to teach her class drunk was her fall? Is it possible that she will stay on this road to recovery?
I also feel guilty b/c I didn't do anything sooner. I had confronted her several times and had private discussions with her husband. I am racked with guilt feeling that I could have (and should have) been able to protect her from herself. She just seems so fragile. It is like we have been walking on egg shells around her for years. I am always so protective of her, and now I feel that I failed her. Do these feelings go away?
How long does it take for someone like my sister to stop hating herself?
Thanks all
Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad to know someone knows how I feel.
My sister came home yesterday and is so filled with self-hate now. I can't imagine how she must be feeling, but I literally ache for her. I want to stand back and let her fall, but I need to be supportive and be her cheerleader too. I am not sure how to balance both those things.
Is it possible that showing up to teach her class drunk was her fall? Is it possible that she will stay on this road to recovery?
I also feel guilty b/c I didn't do anything sooner. I had confronted her several times and had private discussions with her husband. I am racked with guilt feeling that I could have (and should have) been able to protect her from herself. She just seems so fragile. It is like we have been walking on egg shells around her for years. I am always so protective of her, and now I feel that I failed her. Do these feelings go away?
How long does it take for someone like my sister to stop hating herself?
Thanks all
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hey twinsis....you asked if her teaching her class while drunk was her fall? NO the only way it could have been would be if she lost her job over it AND she faced and accepted the consequences from it and wants and embraces recovery. She is not there yet hun.
Sure she is filled with self hate right now but dont let her take anyone else down with her. She wants you to "see" her agony. She wants you to "feel" her pain. Misery loves company.
There isnt anything you can do for her - she has to do this on her own and in her own time. Don't watch it if its too painful ok. Turn away for a while and let her husband deal with her. She seems fragile to you of course because you and I can and do actually "feel" what are twin is feeling. People dont understand this about twins but you and I know its true dont we? And even tho she is fragile she has to want recovery or it just gets worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and she has to hit many bottoms before she sees the light. And it dawns on her that she can't do it alone. She will need AA. And a detox center.
And just for the record hun - she wouldnt have listened to you or anyone else if she had been confronted earlier....and she may not still. Be prepared for a wet hornet. If your twin is anything like mine....they dont take advice very well especially from us. They seem to have this preconceived notion that we believe ourselves to be the better twin or whatever.
Like I said earlier....in my opinion I think you should not do anything for her or to her or with her. If your brother in law asks you to help him with the kids then thats up to you but you dont want your twin to know that you are picking up her slack...she will only take advantage of you.
I sincerely hope that she embraces recovery for all involved - you will be in my prayers.
Janit
Sure she is filled with self hate right now but dont let her take anyone else down with her. She wants you to "see" her agony. She wants you to "feel" her pain. Misery loves company.
There isnt anything you can do for her - she has to do this on her own and in her own time. Don't watch it if its too painful ok. Turn away for a while and let her husband deal with her. She seems fragile to you of course because you and I can and do actually "feel" what are twin is feeling. People dont understand this about twins but you and I know its true dont we? And even tho she is fragile she has to want recovery or it just gets worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and she has to hit many bottoms before she sees the light. And it dawns on her that she can't do it alone. She will need AA. And a detox center.
And just for the record hun - she wouldnt have listened to you or anyone else if she had been confronted earlier....and she may not still. Be prepared for a wet hornet. If your twin is anything like mine....they dont take advice very well especially from us. They seem to have this preconceived notion that we believe ourselves to be the better twin or whatever.
Like I said earlier....in my opinion I think you should not do anything for her or to her or with her. If your brother in law asks you to help him with the kids then thats up to you but you dont want your twin to know that you are picking up her slack...she will only take advantage of you.
I sincerely hope that she embraces recovery for all involved - you will be in my prayers.
Janit
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