MTBChick

OK so for those of you in Al-Anon, AA, or any 12 step program I have a question about step 9 (making amends). Particuarly, I am interested what all of you would do if you were faced with the following senario and or you had a sponsee comming to you wanting to know what they should do how would you advise them. So...what is the senario....well, lets say its time for you to make your amends but one of the individuals you need to make amends to the last time you had talked to them (i.e. before you found recovery) told you flat out that they wish to never speak to you, see you, or have any contact with you even if it was you trying to make amends. Now my question is would you go ahead and try to contact the person and make your amends (be it by a phone call, a visit, or a letter) ? or would you make your amends to be that you respect there wishes? Also, if you had a sponsee who came to you with this same situation would you tell them to just do what they felt was right or would you tell them to respect the other persons wishes?

My thoughts would be that I would pray to my HP and respect the other persons wishes and if my HP wanted a direct amends to be made that it would present itself when the time was right (i.e. running into the person somewhere or them contacting you extra...) I don't think I would direct a sponsee to go and try and make a direct amends especially if the person said they wanted nothing to do with me ever again...

rosalie

I would write a letter.I would never be able to make amends without at least that. I would do this knowing I would never get a reply.Go into it with no expectations. Then let it go.

cmc

MTB,
You are sharing a 'what if' situation and I'm not sure exactly what you want to know you are asking as the step itself is pretty clear. Amends can be made without contacting someone...I have a friend who made an amend by being kind to an elderly neighbor- an amend for not being a nice neighbor to someone else long gone. The amend was for 'himself' not so much for the person he harmed.
Step 9
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

MTBChick

It is a what if situation and one that I have personally had to deal with. Both with someone telling me that they wish to never hear from me again, thus I won't contact them but make an amends in some other way, like the example you gave with the neighbor. I also told the A who was in my life that I didn't want any contact from him even if it was to make an amends and he didn't respect that. I don't know when do you know when it will cause harm or will not cause harm. I just really felt him sending me a letter even after I said to never contact me again was more a way for him to ease his guilty conscious rather than really trying to make an amends. I dunno just has been on my mind thats all.

denny57

I think it depends on the amends. Is it just to say "I'm sorry?" Was there a specific act that an amends could be made in a different way? Is there an act that could be performed that satisfies the amends being made?

I did receive a letter a couple years ago from a former boyfriend making amends. It didn't really mean anything to me. I discussed it with my therapist and she said very often the amends is a necessary act for the person making it. If a letter is written to someone who has requested no contact, I'd keep it very brief. A simple I'm sorry.

It's hard to say without knowing all the facts.

Good luck.

MTBChick

I sent it back unopened.... I had meant what I said of ABSOLUTELY no contact. Thats what angered me. I felt disrespected. We live in the same city and both mountain bike my feeling is if the HP wants an amends to be made the situation will present itself and you'll know. Otherwise its a leave me alone thing. A proper amends would be don't ever lie to anyone ever again and don't cheat on a woman ever again. I just think sending a letter when the person has asked for you to never contact them again is crossing a boundary. You can always write the letter never send it and burn it as some type of offering. I'm just pissed that a boundary was crossed!!

SaTiT

somewhere along the line of being willing...
there's the second half of it...except to do so would injure others..
so if a person say they don't wish to see my face again or no contacts.
I follow instructions...alki following instructions ???
However..i always stay willing..incase the other person changes thier mind
and decides to contact me.

Well there you go...some people just try to get rid of their guilty
consciouse and actaully cuase insult to injury...

Now, you're second guessing and wondering wtf..now you're angery.
Now old wounds are open that you wish not to feel again.
Now, you have to work your program..let go or forgive even if people
hurt you intentionally or not.

The thing of it is..not everyone have program or is in recovery or
move on with their lives to not really care oneway or the other
if the person make ameds or not.

This is why most sponsors will prevent newbie from making amend right
off the bat..because newbie simply havn't consider things from all sides
or understand the depth of pain or harm that was cuased.
Newbies don't really know how to an ameds to being with..
"sorry"..gee wiz....family members heard that a thousand times while alki where using.

Spiritual Seeker

Now that i've been in recovery for 4 years (Alanon) one of the best things that I've learned and now practice is that when I am wrong I quickly admit it and make amends on an ongoing basis. It makes my relationship with my husband so much better

cagefree

MTB - I agree a boundary was crossed.

Amends can be made in other ways than having to contact the person directly, especially if the person you need to make amends with has passed away.

If my ex wanted to make amends with me now by trying to call, I'll delete the voicemail unheard, return an unopened letter or slam the door in his face (I'm going through an anger phase at the moment). He tried to get me to call him and knows that if I want to call him I will.

I don't want to contact him right now. There is nothing he could say to me that I would believe at this point. He's already done step 9 with me (granted, not an honest attempt) and lied to me afterwards.

Grasshopper

Make direct amends to such people wherever possible,
expcept when to do so would injure them or others..
Good judgement,a careful sence of timing,courage and prudence.
There will be those where action ought to be deferred.
We cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.
Being ---willing--to make amends.Praying about it.Asking for Gods will in this situation...and going on to thr next step.
Above all---we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid.

elizabeth1979

Hard to say without being in the situation, but

Seems that if you said no contact, that would fall under the category of potential for harming you-emotionally.
Depends on how you interpret the step.
I would feel the way you do though, had I been in that situation.