just a question to get some insight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: medford, MA
Posts: 7
just a question to get some insight
My abf who is living in a sober house has to take a urine test every Mon, Wed and Fri. I swear he is on drugs, i know he is doing heroin again. The other night i found an empty (well almost empty) bag of heroin in the bathroom. Of course when i confronted him he denied it fully, lord knows it wasnt mine, so i know he is full of sh**. Anyway, how can he get around the tests. If he missed one test, he gets kicked out, so is there anyway around that????
Just curious.
I knew from the first minute i saw him not to trust him, and i really didnt, i had my guard up fully, not caving into him at all, which i am very proud.
I am just so confused about this whole process and looking for a little guidance.
Thanks
Robyn
Just curious.
I knew from the first minute i saw him not to trust him, and i really didnt, i had my guard up fully, not caving into him at all, which i am very proud.
I am just so confused about this whole process and looking for a little guidance.
Thanks
Robyn
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
there are lots of ways around drug tests. Just ask an addict. I guess my big question is you said that from the 1st time you saw him you didn't trust him. And you have your guard up. So, let me ask you? Why are you in a relationship with someone you never trusted? If a relationship never had trust, how are you going to get it? And, of course, his actions are not building any trust.
Lynne
Lynne
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: medford, MA
Posts: 7
Im not back in a relationship with him, we have been talking alot, but he understands i need time, and he needs time.
Ive seen him often, i actually had to stop seeing him because i felt myself getting sucked back in, he definitely has a way of doing that.
The first week he moved into the sober house i knew he wasnt using. The second week i saw him once, and all the signs were there. I actually ended up driving him back to his house because i just didnt feel comfortable with him around. He swore up and down that he wasnt using, and the only thing that kept me saying "ok" were the drug tests that i knew he had to take. Especially, his roommate got kicked out because of a dirty test.
I went days without seeing him, he called begging everyday to see me, but i couldnt, i knew i needed my distance.
Then the other night when i found that bag, i just flipped, i dont get it, i dont understand, why?
I told him from the start that i would not be with him again romantically/relationship wise until alot of time has passed. My daily saying to him was "you do you and worry about everyone else after that"
Im good with not seeing him again, because i didnt open back up to him, im just trying to understand the whole testing process. I want to call that damn house so bad and scream out loud test him, pull him to the bathroom right now and test him, but what good would that do me?
Robyn
Ive seen him often, i actually had to stop seeing him because i felt myself getting sucked back in, he definitely has a way of doing that.
The first week he moved into the sober house i knew he wasnt using. The second week i saw him once, and all the signs were there. I actually ended up driving him back to his house because i just didnt feel comfortable with him around. He swore up and down that he wasnt using, and the only thing that kept me saying "ok" were the drug tests that i knew he had to take. Especially, his roommate got kicked out because of a dirty test.
I went days without seeing him, he called begging everyday to see me, but i couldnt, i knew i needed my distance.
Then the other night when i found that bag, i just flipped, i dont get it, i dont understand, why?
I told him from the start that i would not be with him again romantically/relationship wise until alot of time has passed. My daily saying to him was "you do you and worry about everyone else after that"
Im good with not seeing him again, because i didnt open back up to him, im just trying to understand the whole testing process. I want to call that damn house so bad and scream out loud test him, pull him to the bathroom right now and test him, but what good would that do me?
Robyn
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I see. Unfortunately, a lot of these "sober" houses are not up to par. There is a lot of stuff going on there in a lot of them. I don't know how closely they are watched when they do the test, but, believe me there are many ways to get around it. If you don't want to see him or talk to him, don't answer the phone, don't go. I know, easier said than done. But you are right to tell him...that he needs to work on him. That should be #1 in his life. If it isn't, he won't make it.
Lynne
Lynne
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
If he is going to make it, he will do it with or without you in his life. It has to be his choice. Don't have contact with him if it bothers you - you need to take care of you. You cannot fix him or help him through this.
If he wants to be clean and he wants YOU, he has to make that choice and do what it takes to get there.
If he wants to be clean and he wants YOU, he has to make that choice and do what it takes to get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: medford, MA
Posts: 7
no it definitely wasnt old stash. he went into the bathroom with the likely excuse, my stomach hurts! took awhile even used the lysol, but when he came near me i said "you smell" and he got all nervous, saying he was going to take a shower, but i said no, its not body odor, its the smell that use to be in my car, what is it??? I let it pass and we went to sleep, i woke up about an hour later and he was wide awake, on my computer, just playing around, so we talked for awhile, then i got up to go to the bathroom, and there it was, that lovely ugly bag sitting right there on the floor. First reaction was to ignore it, i smelled it, and there was that lovely smell that became all to familiar to me. I sat there for awhile just holding the bag, i couldnt believe he could be so careless, especially because every other minute i was accussing him of using again.
when i came back into the room, i turned on the light and just held my hand open and said "whats this" right away the defense went up. big red light!!!
he tried to tell me it was candy from his pocket, believe me i know heroin, seen it, smelled it, watched him do it, lived it for ever, i knew it was heroin.
he tried to tell me it wasnt, he had no needles, anything, and that is the only way he would do it was to shoot it, which was a lie, because i watched him snort it frequently.
He wanted to go to CVS and buy a drug test so he could proove me wrong, but he knew in his heart that i would never do that.
It definitely wasnt old stash, i went over my house with a fine tooth comb when he left months ago, so i knew everything was out. It was new. I talked to one of his close friends and she said that night that he was jammed out of his mind, but she didnt want to tell me because i asked her not to talk to me anymore. she said he had been getting high with one of the girls that lives in the sober house as well.
when i came back into the room, i turned on the light and just held my hand open and said "whats this" right away the defense went up. big red light!!!
he tried to tell me it was candy from his pocket, believe me i know heroin, seen it, smelled it, watched him do it, lived it for ever, i knew it was heroin.
he tried to tell me it wasnt, he had no needles, anything, and that is the only way he would do it was to shoot it, which was a lie, because i watched him snort it frequently.
He wanted to go to CVS and buy a drug test so he could proove me wrong, but he knew in his heart that i would never do that.
It definitely wasnt old stash, i went over my house with a fine tooth comb when he left months ago, so i knew everything was out. It was new. I talked to one of his close friends and she said that night that he was jammed out of his mind, but she didnt want to tell me because i asked her not to talk to me anymore. she said he had been getting high with one of the girls that lives in the sober house as well.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Addicts will tell you anything they know you WANT to hear! They are very, very skilled at that. And they don't know the difference between truth and lies - whatever gets them what they want - it's all the same and fair game.
Never, never try to talk logic to an active addict! It just doesn't work.
Never, never try to talk logic to an active addict! It just doesn't work.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Candy from his pocket.
True addict's excuse.
Amazing how they can pull everything under the sun out to account for their behavior.
My abf took some pills from me that I prescribed to. I found them in his bag and confronted him about them. Despite having FOUND THEM IN HIS BAG, he STILL lied straight to my face when I asked him if he had taken any.
I really do not know anything about surpassing a drug test.
HAHAH- MY BF also would demand a trip to CVS for the drug test. Even when I know for a fact he was in active addiction he STILL gave me this opportunity to test him. He also knew I wouldn't do it. He knows I don't have sixty some dollars to throw down just to prove he's clean so he always tried to use that as some indication that he cannot be using.
I can't imagine how you must feel now- a mixture of sadness, anger, maybe even denial.
And you are right- you cannot trust him.
But you CAN trust your gut feeling. This has been a challenge for me since I am VERY use to discounting my feelings and intuitions on multiple levels.
The other night when speaking with abf -- I asked him whether or not he had been getting high last summer. I was under the impression he had only relapsed in the past 4-5 months. A friend of ours told us he was wasted one day in August when doing a side construction job on the weekend. I confronted him about this and of course he denied and I just said, "Well I don't believe you. THere is absolutely no trust between us."
Then I realized that there was not anything he said that I could believe.
Hang in there, girl, you are NOT alone.
True addict's excuse.
Amazing how they can pull everything under the sun out to account for their behavior.
My abf took some pills from me that I prescribed to. I found them in his bag and confronted him about them. Despite having FOUND THEM IN HIS BAG, he STILL lied straight to my face when I asked him if he had taken any.
I really do not know anything about surpassing a drug test.
HAHAH- MY BF also would demand a trip to CVS for the drug test. Even when I know for a fact he was in active addiction he STILL gave me this opportunity to test him. He also knew I wouldn't do it. He knows I don't have sixty some dollars to throw down just to prove he's clean so he always tried to use that as some indication that he cannot be using.
I can't imagine how you must feel now- a mixture of sadness, anger, maybe even denial.
And you are right- you cannot trust him.
But you CAN trust your gut feeling. This has been a challenge for me since I am VERY use to discounting my feelings and intuitions on multiple levels.
The other night when speaking with abf -- I asked him whether or not he had been getting high last summer. I was under the impression he had only relapsed in the past 4-5 months. A friend of ours told us he was wasted one day in August when doing a side construction job on the weekend. I confronted him about this and of course he denied and I just said, "Well I don't believe you. THere is absolutely no trust between us."
Then I realized that there was not anything he said that I could believe.
Hang in there, girl, you are NOT alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
when I asked Keith if he was on drugs[about a week before he od'd], he denied it and also said [lets go buy a drug test]...Of course I didn't do it. Its amazing that they seem so unique and wonderful to us and yet, they are all the same. Peace to you, you sound like you know whats right for you......Marian
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Yeah, I can imagine that halfway to the store for the test, he would have started an argument about "trust" then asked to be let out of the car and walked home in a huff... typical stuff.
If you believe he is using, what is YOUR next step?
If you believe he is using, what is YOUR next step?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with the others, there are ways of getting around a positive test. my ah did 18 months in a drug court program, with maditory test too. somehow he managed to complete the program while using the whole time. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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