kglast

so, i talked to him last night. our first "real" conversation since we last saw eachother ( 2 1/2 weeks ago ) and i find myself feeling totally confused again today and feeling like i want answers to so many questions.

why do i think i can get any answer out of him that will make any sense??? why do i keep hoping for it???? i don't know what is wrong with me. it is so obvious that i just need to walk away and let go of this relationship, but it is SO hard! I think i have made some progress...i haven't seen him at all, i turned off his cell phone line that was on my bill (why should i pay for his calls when we are not together any more??) and have avoided most of the drunken calls.....but i still having such a hard time! GRR!! am i a glutton for punishment or what??? do i need him to come right out and say he will never quit drinking for me to believe it?????what is wrong with me!?!?!?!?!!?!?

newenglandgirl

There's nothing wrong with you kg....it's a really tough thing to go through! There's no step-by-step script on how to deal with your loved one becoming a drunk...we just do the best we can. It takes time...and it will get easier. The first months for me were the hardest. Stick to your guns. Do things that are good for and that will keep you growing and moving towards a better life.

Hugs to you (((kg)))
neg

Sunflower

Yes it is all easier said than done--it all goes back to -it's over--no contact--until you do that the drama will continue

MsGolightly

kg, i've been there! honestly, the only thing that's helped me is distance. finally being able to disentangle myself from the entire situation, take a look back on it and decide if that's the kind of relationship i really want, etc, helped me let go. i'm not saying i don't constantly wonder things or want answers to questions i know i'll never get, but i've made a ton of progress. it all just takes time.

Girlfriend

If you could kind of look at it this way, maybe it'd help.

If you kept getting sick every time you ate....potatoes, for example. How long would it take you to quit eating them?

Or, if every time you used a certain cooking pan, you always got painful burns on your hands. How long would it take you to stop using it?

The same concept with being sucked back in by the A. They'll say anything you wanna hear from them or just do the "I'm no good. Nobody loves me" babble. It just ends up hurting you more......over and over again and you deserve to be treated so much better than that.

Don't punish yourself....let go and live again. It takes time, but it's SO worth it.

((hugs))

TexasGirl

My doc told me that I was just going to have to get over ever wanting "closure" or any kind of sensible, meaningful response from my X. He said, you are just going to have to forget that. It's not going to happen. He is not capable of giving you that, so get over it.

I see now he was right.

((kglast))

prodigal

Actually the only thing "wrong" with you, if that's what you want to call it, is you are beating up on yourself. You have expectations of getting a rational, logical, clear-cut explanation from an addict. It's your expectations that you are clinging to that are causing you frustration.

Can you imagine how badly his brain is messed up? He can't even deal with himself and what HE feels, let alone deal with you on an adult level.

It's a matter of acceptance. Accept what is. You can't get blood out of a turnip and you ARE trying to deal with a turnip.

Believe me, it took what I consider a miracle for me to give up ever expecting AH to accept genuine, adult responsibility for the crap he pulled on me. My expectations were making me nuts, when all along I thought he was making me nuts! I pounded my head against a lot of walls before I was able to accept the reality of "what is." Just be kinder to yourself. The closure you want is normal to want; what you want is not normal to want - or expect - from an A.

Grasshopper

Hi,i dont know about you,but for me,i felt that i --needed---someone to make sense.it was a need,not a wanting.If another made sense to me,i was then ok,with my world.If they didnt,then i was confused.So it all had to do with me and needs.Checking others to see how im thinking feeling.,sort of thing.Once i let this need go,i was ok,regardless,of the bull id hear from another..lol.al-anon, asks why do i expect a sick person to behave and act as if well?Today i dont.As long as i know the truth,tell me what you will,it wont have the power it once did on me.

free2be

My situation is very similar to yours. I feel like I have so many questions without answer's. I don't think we will ever hear what we want to hear and if we do get some answers it will lead to more questions like a vicious circle. I agree that it is so hard, I try to keep believing that it does get easier and time heals all wounds.
Stay strong.

mallowcup

I think it's hard to to do because we know that when we let go, their drinking will know no restraint. The only thing that slowed them down was us getting in the way. They didn't drink less necesarily, but at least we were around for damage control. Without our damage control, they'd have been in jail a long time ago. The thing you have to wrap your head around is that he needs to fall down without you there to help him up. That's a hard thing to know and follow through on.
If there's any chance he will quit drinkiing and you knew that you leaving him would get him there faster, would you feel differently? If it goes the way it is, one of two things will happen. You will back down and keep saving him enabling him to drink more or he will continue until he gets himself into trouble that requires jail time.
Have you gone to any alanon meetings? Taking care of you is the best way to do what's right for him too. There's no way staying involved with someone who's drunk all the time is best for you. Are you willing to stand behind every beer offered to him? That life will take your own life into a world of losers. The movers and shakers of this world aren't drunk. The happy young brides and young mothers pushing baby strollers aren't drunk. The men who bring home a paycheck and a hug aren't drunk. Do you want a life spent in a dimmly lit bar where the biggest deal of the day is a new song on the juke box and the pig roast on Saturday?

CE Girl

((((HUGS)))) I am so relating to where you are now.

How I am delaing with it? Its only been a month since we "seperated".

I find that when I am most tempted to make contact with him is when I am asking myself those questions. The ones I have come to realize will never be answered by him. I then make it about me. What can I do for ME, that will stop my obsessing about him. It could be something as simple as cleaning out my closests. Point is, to do something that keeps you occupied and your mind elsewhere. Ask yourself how many times have you tried to "go back" and it didn't work? Thought you could "help" only to find you had no control?

Stay strong. We can help each other

Tazman53

Hi Kglast, I am a recovered alcoholic so I speak from the other side of the fence, if you answer the phone I have won, by you answering the phone when I call it is telling me that you still want me, even if you are telling me I need to stop drinking, that I am an idiot, you answered, I can still make you do things just by calling, I know I can still lie and decieve you.

You have done well on all other fronts, but in my alcoholic mind you are still in my control right up until you quit answering the phone, you stop reading my emails.... yes I can tell if you read them, I get a reciept back saying you opened it! If I show up and you really do not want me there do not answer the door, call the cops!

kglast

thanks everyone!!! i definitely need this support and am having a somewhat stronger day today....i deleted his new cell # from all of my phones, also his roommates, and family's numbers - it will insure that i will not just pick up the phone in a weak moment.

of course, we had this "real" conversation monday night, and i told him yesterday that i hoped to continue it - he says he is working and "maybe" we can, but he has no idea when he will be home. haven't heard from him since. feeling like a FOOL again. this is NOT love - Taz - i think you are right. he thinks he got the control back so he is all set. well , i am NOT going to answer any more. thanks again everyone!!!!

CE Girl

Just wanted to say hope you had a good "in the day" KG last


My A contacted me today through my ass't. I've already gotten rid of phone #'s and emails. It wasn't pretty. But I have not broke MY vow of no contact.

It's the wondering. Even though I know, it is allowing him control, I still wonder if he is ok.

That's why I am off to an al anon meeting.

Peace

kglast

hey CE girl! It is so nice to know I am not waging this battle alone....i wonder too despite my best efforts not to think about it. there is only one alanon meeting in my area - wed nites - but it is tough for me to get a sitter for my 7 yr old son. maybe this weekend i will try to find another one (he will be with his dad (not my XAF) ) even if it means i have to travel a bit.

Peace to you as well ~

lilac

(((Hugs))) There is nothing wrong with you, you are just human....It does get better, there are gonna be up and down days. Much love to you.

FormerDoormat

"If you kept getting sick every time you ate....potatoes, for example. How long would it take you to quit eating them?"

A long, long, long time. Hey, what can I say? I LOVE potatoes and I'm addicted to food. So I guess my answer to GirlFriend's question would be: As long as I'm getting some kind of enjoyment by eating potatoes, I will continue to eat them.

So, Kglast, as long as you are getting some kind of benefit/enjoyment/fulfillment by staying in touch with your boyfriend, you will continue to do so. I guess the thing you need to figure out is exactly what need you're fulfilling by continuing to have contact with your ex. Is it a need to control him? A need to take care of him? A need to rescue him?

Girlfriend

WOW! Tazman.....that's a pretty real statement. Really helpful!

FD....HI!! it's good to "see" ya again. But, for me......nah uh, if I'm gonna eat potatoes and they make me really sick, I'll build an aversion for them eventually and won't go back.

I'm a cold turkey kind of person. Once I've finally had enough,,,,and it takes me awhile to get there, but once I have, I put that drink down and walked away. I put out that cigarette and walked away and I told xabf to "stick it" and walked away. I can honestly say I do not have any feelings for him whatsoever left.

Saw a pic of him about a month ago...ran acrossed it while cleaning out things. Didn't do a thing for me. And, at one time I LOVED THAT MAN. I am really proud of myself for getting to where I am today. It took me about a year, but....I did it. With the help of Al anon and doing things for myself again.

StandingStrong

He doesn't have to say the words "I'm not going to quit drinking" because he's already telling you that with his actions.

He doesn't have to give you closure either - because 1) he's not done with you yet, you are continuing to play the game. and 2) he probably doesn't know how and 3) he doesn't care if you get closure or not. Again - remember - as long as there is no closure, you are still playing the game. You're wanting and begging for something, he knows you want it and he's dangling it just far enough out of your reach that you keep your hand outstretched for it.

I was one of those people that lived on HOPE! Man, I look back now sometimes and can't believe just how that worked - but hey, that was what I did. And I was one of those people that really NEEDED closure! And funny thing is, I got my closure - much later than I'd planned or wanted and from a very unexpected place (not XAH) but I got it nonetheless. And you know what else I got - I also found that ACCEPTANCE was key in my recovery.

Not living on hope but accepting the reality.
He hadn't changed, he was still drinking, he wasn't going to be the man I wanted him to be, and I was not happy. etc etc etc.
It was time to get real with myself. I accepted the reality. And that was a beginning.

I know it's hard. But you know that contact keeps you hurting and confused. It keeps you playing the game and keeps you sick and unhealthy.
I guess the question I ask is this: Are you living on hope - or are you ready to live in reality?

kglast

SS - thanks for the insight. I don't know what I am living in anymore (which i guess is some kind of progress???) - i think somewhere between hope and reality. i guess it is difficult for me to accept the reality of the situation (he is an actively drinking alcoholic ) because it means giving up what i thought my future was going to be ( he was sober for the 1st two years of our relationship). i know he loves me - and that is what is killing me. i know he is not any happier without me than i am without him, but i still am not hearing that he is ready to give up the booze once and for all. seems that should be all i need to hear to move on. i just wish it was that easy. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!