kglast

so, i was dumb enough to pick up the phone today....thinking maybe he was calling because he was sober and wanted to talk - WRONG!!! surprise, surprise.....it has been a litany of calls and nasty voice mails ever since....one nasty then one crying about how much he loves me....WTF!!!!! the more i don't answer the crazier it gets.....he is saying he has not had a sober breath since I left!!! he seems to forget that he kicked me out of his house!!!!! GRRRR!!!! i know he is not being rational but on some level he is making me feel bad!!!! is that the intent????? HELP PLEASE!!!!!! why am i feeling this way???? he thinks i am trying to deflect all of our issues onto the drinking so i don't have to accept responsibility for my part in our arguments...is this typical??? he is making me very confused - i need clarity, PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE......

atalose

It sounds like the phone calls are a way to manipulate you, don't fall for it. And yes of course he is going to attempt to make you feel bad, that's what they do. If he were to accept all the blame then he'd have to do something about it right? and it doesn't sounds like he is willing to do that at this point.
Don't allow him to make you feel bad for his own behavior. Keep telling yourself that over and over again and stop answering the phone and listening to his voice messages, turn your phone off.

TexasGirl

When I stopped answering the phone, the calls increased dramatically. Try 21 times one day. I guess he finally realized I meant business, because after that, they subsided for the most part. Answering the phone, talking to him, keeps you engaged in the process.

I've been speaking to mine more often recently because of the divorce proceedings. Today though, I decided that I'm going to limit that to when I choose to call him. I answered, and he started out okay, but suddenly he was ranting about how when he married me, I had a $13,000 credit card debt that he paid off for me. Huh? That never happened. I did have some debt, and he did pay it off for $2000 for me. That's factual. I said, I never had that kind of debt, and he proceeded to argue with me. He's the one who's accrued an $11,000 credit debt, just since I left!!! I realized he was flat looney, and I hung up on him and silenced my phone.

You, and me too, have the control over whether you want to answer the phone and get involved in the drama. If you and I do answer, we are responsible for the craziness and drama we get. I don't mean that rudely to you....I'm in the same boat.

cagefree

1. He needs clarity so much more than you
2. When he is drunk he will blame the titanic sinking and Jesus being hung on the cross ON YOU. It's all you're fault. It's your fault that snow is cold and dog poop smells gross. It's your fault that gas is $3.00 a gallon.
3. You're confused - who wouldn't be? It doesn't make sense to a rational person.

It's easy to forget how bad your behaviour is in front of an even bigger sinner than you. If you can't find a bigger sinner, create one in your mind...A very good friend of mine began to "prepare" me for this after my XABF exited my life. She even put $ on how many days it would be before he called and tried to "blame" me. She was less than 24 hours off...scary.

newenglandgirl

KG - what he's doing is textbook.

There is zero point in engaging him in conversation when he's drunk - you won't get anywhere and it's no good for you. I can't tell you how many hours I spent trying to talk to my AH like a normal person...it was hard for me to face reality: he is mentally ill from drinking too much. sigh. They cannot exchange information like normal people. You might as well be talking to a wall. I'm sorry sweetie.

Is his intent to make you feel bad? Yes! He's trying to manipulate you into taking him back. He will press all your buttons to try to get you to break.

Listen, you might not be the perfect wife (hell, who is?) but that's NOT the reason that you guys are going through this mess! Let him try to bend reality all he wants, you know what's up. You're a decent woman, a good wife, and his addiction has ruined your marriage and hurt you terribly. Of course he doesn't want to face this!

For me, there's no clarity when dealing with an A. I only find peace during those stretches of time when there's no contact.

Pick-a-name

Sounds familiar to me..... He is making you confused because (1) he isn't making any sense;he's sick (and drunk) and (2) he is manipulating you and trying get you to forget your boundaries and "suck you back in",etc. Don't be surprised that if the "love talk" doesn't work or the guilt, that the meaness and threating behavior starts up. He'll probably keep trying until something/anything works that gets him HIS way. Oh, and threats of other women,losing his job,etc.,,,,anything that he thinks might really get to you.

Good luck. Try to hear QUACK,QUACK,QUACK.....if you have to listen to it. Better yet,ignore the call if you can.

kglast

thanks you guys.....I really need to hear what you all are saying...he called 11 times between 5pm and 9pm. he must be passed out or has found someone to listen to him because it seems the phone has stopped ringing for tonight.

how did i not see all of this manipulation all along??? good grief! thank GOD i did not marry him!!!! i was very close...

so is there no point in trying to get through to him when he is sober????

mallowcup

It sounds like he's doing the full routine. He loves you , he hates you, it's your fault but he can't live without you. He just called to tell you not to call him. He'll call again to be sure you got the call telling you not to call him.
He's drunk and it makes perfect sense to him.

kglast

yep - and i "better call him back tonight....", or WHAT???? he has already broken up with me 3 times today on various messages - so what exactly is he going to do, leave me?????

kglast

should i even try to talk to him when he is sober???? or just cut my losses and move on?? i am really struggling with this.

embraced2000

anytime i tried to engage in a conversation with xh, the end result was the same....only he wasn't drinking. he still had the drunken mind set, and determined to get his way.....he could love me to death one moment, and the next moment actually threaten my death if i did not reconcile with him.

boy, that works, eh? come here and let me hate you some more????? you lucky one, you, to have me. blech!

he could appear so sweet, loving, humble, sincere.....and as soon as he realized his sweet talk wasn't working.....i was the most filthy, disgusting, person who he had hated more than anyone else in his own life!!! c-r-a-z-y!!!!!

i didn't believe anyone that told me it was best for no contact....so i learned the hard way. it kept me in the drama, hurt, chaos, and confusion.

this was how it was for me.....

best to you

denny57

I say this a lot - sounds like he's at a point in his career where he won't be sober, he'll just occasionally stop drinking. Haven't you tried talking to him "sober" before?

Aristo

Have you had a think about who is actually making you feel bad ?? Only one person can - you !

Lay some boudaries down to protect yourself - you have to be strong and forthright.

Tell him how you make yourself feel when he calls and that you don't want any part of it any more. You may even need to go to the lengths of an AVO (apprehended violence order - dunno what you call them over there).

You are the only one that can do anything to you - therefore you need to do what you can to change in order to protect yourself. You are the most important person in your life - remember that.

Good luck.

atalose

Even when he is sober you are talking to a diseased mind, his thinking and logic is still not that of a sober person. The problem is when you do talk to him he's going to be loving, caring and wanting to do what ever it will take to get you back. Words are words action is what speaks the loudest.

duet_4-8

My EXAH does the obsessive calling thing, too, and the voice mails. They start out real sweet, then they get ugly, then back to sweet, and back to ugly........

No contact is the only way for me to go; I honestly did not see how completely sick he is until now. As for talking to him sober-that is a complete waste of energy. He is just as selfish and manipulative sober as he is wasted.

Rella927

First of all-(((BIG HUG))) I broke up with my XAB a little over a year ago and had to put a restraining order on him-he continued up until last week with the phone calls, the nasty txt messages, voice mails! Voice mails so sick that it would make your head spin! "Go dig up your dead husband and crawl into his casket with him, you are the reason he probably is dead anyway" Notice: ME I'am the reason and I'am the reason he got his second DUI while he was stalking me the other night and I called the cops! I took the bottle and shoved it down his throat and then handed him the keys! NOT HIM-It was ME! Ha Ha Ha and-with my A Brother as well-and the rest out there-it is YOUR fault not there fault- they do not know how to accept responsibility for the behavior the present. And by you or I or anyone engaging in the chaos they are creating by answering the phone and yelling at them or whatever may have you-we are allowing our unacceptable behavior to project onto them! Guess what this does? Keeps it going and going and going-why waste so much energy on something and someone that will not get it! They will not get it until they see how they are destroying their own lives-why go round and round on the merry-go-round? JUMP OFF!

It is easy for someone else to tell you this, trust me I did not want to hear it when I was involved in the chaos-but you will be better off in the long run if you take care of you-we all jump backwards on the road to recovery I know I do still while mine is in jail now I'm terrified of him getting out-but I'm doing what I can to take care of me-

Take care of you and stop answering the calls-no response will make him keep going-and answering him will not make him stop, so you STOP! Change your number....if that does not work call the police and get him on harrassment charges! Sadly they all eventually stop-most when drastics measures come into play-but try not to worry about anyone but YOU! No Contact!

parentrecovers

it's just drama. ignore it. blessings, k

minnie

Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this. I see it as a form of torture - I am still triggered when I hear a ring tone like my old cell phone. I let it go on far too long and I hope you can learn from my mistake.

I urge you not to pick up the phone. Ever. If you need to communicate before he is able to do so like an adult, then perhaps consider a lawyer. If you pick up the phone after 20 calls, you just teach him to make 20+ calls next time.

You've a big lesson in boundary setting (and maintenance) here - and it's one of the most important.

Rella927

The trigger!!!! I get a text message and squirm! And it is only a friend saying hello! Amazing....I know soon this will go away! So many different circumstances but all related things! Also too ever drive down the road and see the same car they drive-and just get that instant feeling of UTTO-but it passes as soon as we realize that our "crazies" are kicking in-I'am a work in progress but getting better-

And so true the pick up the phone and you will get 20 more, 30 more it does not stop! Wasted energy!!

Tazman53

Well there is a huge difference between a sober drunk and a recovering/recovered alcoholic, and it is far more the a few weeks sober! I was never as angry as him, I did my manipulating in a far softer manner, he is so far right now from even beginning to recover I would say cut your losses, who knows in 5 or 6 months he may wake up to reality or find a new victim.

As a recovered alcoholic I can tell you he is no where near the path to recovery yet with the stuff he is pulling right now, put a block on all his calls and move on.