Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Initiating Relationships

Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are attracted.

As we progress through recovery, we learn we can no longer form relationships solely on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take into account important facts, and to process information about that person.

What we are striving for in recovery is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.

The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find ourselves needing to work through them with the people we're attracted to. Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships.

The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of.

The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.

This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn - no matter how long we've been recovering.

No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship, the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery.

We can learn to take care of ourselves during the process of initiating and forming relationships. We can learn to go slowly. We can learn to pay attention. We can allow ourselves to make mistakes, even when we know better.

We can stop blaming our relationships on God and begin to take responsibility for them. We can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships and remove ourselves more quickly from the dysfunctional ones.

We can learn to look for what's good for us, instead of what's good for the other person.

God, help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it - even though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. I will be open to the lessons I need to learn about me in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with people.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

helpus

Ann, It's like 6:00 sun morn. I'm only up & at the puter cuz I gotta start cookin for the baby shower. But do you have tiny elves that post everyday? Cuz man o man it's early for you to have all this written here. Can I say a big thanks for everything you do for us (((Thanks Ann)))

Ann

I AM the tiny elf, Helpus

I just wake up early every day, don't need an alarm. I take my time with my coffee, come here and post and take about an hour to really wake up.

Also, I cut and paste these readings, so don't have to type each word. I DO love the book "Language of Letting Go", it's one of my recovery bibles.

Have fun at the shower.

Hugs

hope213

i am an early riser also & only twice have i come on that ann has not already posted here.she is an inspration for all of us.thank you

abtchonamission

Ann, this one paragraph in the beginning really grabbed my attention. Until flowerguy, I never worried about "important facts" until it was too late...sounds so stupid now, but it's the reality of my past choices. And now, having first paid some attention to the stuff that's truly important to me beyond the initial first attraction, I really feel confident that this relationship has a chance to work out - I know that he doesn't use or condone drug use, I know that although he drinks, he drinks less that what is considered "social drinking" and never gets drunk...I know what he wants out of life and that it's reasonably close to the things I want, close enough that there will be very little 'sacrificing my wants/needs' because instead of giving up my own dreams, we can simply find a compromise...one that suits both of us.

Thanks for posting this one today...it gave me that little "jolt" that reminds me that I have come further that I thought in my recovery.

Ann

Well said, Trish. And maybe I could add that it isn't only about looking for those qualities that we find necessary in a relationship....but it is also not turning a blind eye to red flags, indicators of trouble down the road. Attraction just might be the "codie/addict magnet syndrome" and not love at all.

The phrase "love is blind" has proven true for all of us, whether our A is a partner, child, or friend...we live in denial blindly thinking that it could never happen to us.

Recover teaches us what to look for in a healthy relationship and prepares our heart and spirit to accept love that is genuine and give our hearts with trust.

Hugs

teke

thanks ann, its funny how god always speak to me through the power of what you post, if you only knew how much i needed to read this one. this is one that i need to print out and post on my frig. thank you so much for being here, you were one of the first here to tell me that i was not crazy. matter fact i believe that you were the very first responder on my first post, thanks again, i'm eternally grateful for god allowing me to meet all of you.

patchoulli

I didn't have time this morning to read your post. This one really hits home...Thank you Ann