marle

Middle of May is my AD's 21st birthday and you all know how we struggle to find the appropriate gift for our addicts. Anyway I was thinking about making some homemade coupons. I will make them all fancy and have them laminated. On one I will offer a day of pampering which will include hair, nails and eyebrows at a beauty shop, on another I will offer a day of fun which will include a movie and dinner, on the third I will offer a day of love which includes being with those that love her (her dad, me and Petey the chihuahua) and the fourth I will offer her a day of hope, which includes help to find a rehab when she is ready. She may not take advantage of any of them, but I will tell her there is no expiration date. What are your thoughts on this one. I am still finding myself feeling a little resentment from time to time. And I don't like to feel taken advantage of. Those are the problems. Can I do this without feeling like she is going to take advantage of my kindness. I don't know. I am confused by my own reactions. Marle

ncdeac

I think that sounds like a wonderful gift. What she does with it once she receives it will be up to her, but you have extended the offer for short term fun and pampering...and for long time health and happiness.

parentrecovers

my daughter's bday is coming up too. i like your idea! i might do it too! k

helpus

Marle, I think it is perfect. What a wonderful idea. Love, love love it!!!

teke

i think that would be a very good gift, and in my opinion, before the time comes, i think maybe you should look deep inside and check your motives, are you expecting something in return? think about if you can, what about this gift that would cause you to feel taken advantage of.

maybe if you give her a gift, give her one that you can feel comfortable with, without having to feel that she maybe take advantage of you. she's an addict and until you can trust her again, probably anything you do for her might feel like she's taking advantage of you. don't mean no harm and i may have misunderstood your post, if so i'm sorry, this is all said in love and my opinion only. find something that you can give her just because its her bday, whether she appreciates it or not, addict can be very insensitive at times

rozied

Hi Marle, I also think those are awesome gifts..............what a great idea.
As for your question regarding being taking advantage of ................Are you afraid that by opening the door to your heart & home that you might slip & let her take advantage of you??? If I misunderstood you please forgive me. I am only trying to understand what you said & give you the best answer I can.
Love & Hugs,
Diane

marle

I know this may not be the case, but I feel anytime that I am nice to her, I feel like she thinks "aha, now I got mom right where I want her." Case in point, the last time she came by saying she wanted help, I let her take Petey for a couple of days. She then told me that she wanted to take him again in a couple of days. When I told her that I had to see, she became very p*ssy with me. She has this sense of entitlement even with her addiction. So even though this is a one time offer and I don't expect it to suddenly turn things around, I don't want her to think it is an open invitation into my heart and home again. So I guess that maybe sending a card would be better at this point. That way I am holding onto my boundary of no relationship until she is in recovery. It is just so hard because I have all of these motherly instincts and no one to give them to. Thanks for the replies. I think I may know the answer. Marle

rozied

Sounds to me like you figured this out for yourself!!!
Love From One Broken Hearted Mom to Another,
Diane

parentrecovers

regardless of what you do, marle - your daughter is lucky to have you. blessings, k

helpus

Marle, Do what your heart & gut are tellling you. Ok that is probably two different things. I still think it's a sweet thing to do. Maybe op out of the beatuy shop one, since it will prob set you back quite a bit. But The others are something she could hang onto in her purse & look at & remember she has people that love her. A movie & dinner could be a reminder to her that there is life outside drugs, if she goes, but hey, ya never know. Your putting it out there. As long as you don't get your hopes up, But you will have done your feel good mom thing (Gosh do I know these) How would you as a mom feel worse, just sending a card, or doing a few special things that won;'t cost you anything but you time unless she uses them & that could be nice.

mooselips

(((Marle))))
I think it's a good idea. No cash exchanging hands, she can't abuse it, and she can call you when she's ready. If you're comfortable, then it's okay.

Hugs to you,

teke

marle after reading your response, i do understand how you feel, i think you have to do what is best for you. you have a right to not put yourself in a position to be hurt again. i'm still praying for ya and for your daughter

marle

Moose, That is exactly what I told my husband. We won't be out any money if she does not take advantage of it and at least she knows that someone cares. In the past we have spent mucho bucks for birthdays and Christmases since she is our only child, so even the things that I am offering are not as much as I would have spent in the past. We invited her for Easter through a text message and she answered two days after Easter and told us her abf did not give her the message. I really did not want her here but felt that I could at least reach out with love. So I will think on this. I still have a couple of weeks and you never know what could happen in that time. Thanks to all who replied. Sometimes I just need to put it out there and then the answer comes to me. Hugs, Marle

Ann

I think that's a great idea Marle. It is given with love and no expectations and also acknowledges her birthday. I love the day at the beauty salon, remind me to let you know when it is MY birthday

Hugs

Brownie

Marle - Feeling for you and sending (((HUGS)))) - I have an AD and it is very difficult when you know the person she is hiding (your daughter) and the person that you don't want to take advantage of you (the addict) - I like your idea and hope it works out

outonalimb

I think your idea is really sweet, Marle. Your daughter really is blessed to have a thoughtful, loving mom like you.

Hugs to you, my friend...

dollydo

Marle,

Firstly, you need to do what you want to do.

Are you planning to let her choose one, or, all four? I got lost somewhere.

You are a good Mom, can I adopt you as mine?

Dolly

marle

Dolly, I was going to send all four coupons for her to use when she wants. I really don't think she will use any of them. She has pretty much given up on her appearance and she probably does not want anyone to see her because she looks really bad. A movie and dinner will probably be too long a time to spend away from the drugs. And when she has come to visit it has been for a very short time. So basically I just want her to know that I care so maybe a card would suffice. And maybe she doesn't even care if I care. She has only contacted me one time since I saw her last on March 7th. And that time was only a text message. I think that she is basically ashamed of what she has become. I only wish that I could make her see she is worth so much more, but I know that I can't. I guess waiting and praying is my best option for now. It is just so hard when those special days come up and it is her 21st birthday. That is where my confusion comes in. I am still a mother with all the longings to be one, but with addiction all the usual mother things just are not possible. Marle

helpus

Marle, IMHO I think in there somewhere she does care that you care. Don't overthink too much or you'll drive yourself nuts. Sending hugs & prayers.

marle

I think my problem is this is her first birthday that she has been actively using and I am not in her life. I guess I am used to the holidays because she has used during all of them. But she has always been sober on her birthday and it was always a special day. I would always find a way to surprise her with something unexpected. So this year is a first for me and I guess I just need to get through it and then I know I will be okay. Just another consequence of addiction. Marle